This is my story yet it still hits me as almost unbelievable.
I was at such an incredibly low point in life.
I felt like I’d lost everything because of the divorce and was completely beat up and defeated.
Everything around me appeared to be collapsing.
I had absolutely no desire to get on with
life, or to do anything for that matter.
With hindsight now, more than ten years later, who would have known that I would be richer, more comfortable with women who I meet on daily basis without the fear of commitment, and in more satisfying casual relationships that don’t tax my emotional and material resources?
There is surely a lot of empowerment that comes,not out of foresight, but hindsight.
I now see the opportunity of divorce as a chance to live my future unconstrained by a coupled relationship.
I have not necessarily changed as an individual as I was always a loner and an introvert but i want to pursue paths more
easily followed alone.
A partner might compromise my new found freedom.
I’m empathetic about the impact my new lifestyle would have on a partner and choose to be uncoupled because i know it would be challenging for a partner.
I can totally understand the mindset of
never wanting to remarry.
Not remarrying means fewer obligations, not having more kids, and avoiding the negative aspects of marriage that played into us being divorced in the first place.
Not remarrying also provides the freedom to experience more relationships, or to maximise the early exciting stages of dating that tend to wane as relationships age.
I have had a number of very exciting non committal relationships with wonderful women who I would never have met if I had stuck to my dead marriage.
The beauty of these relationships is that right from their onset, I made it clear that that marriage was not on cards, and each of us had the freedom to walk away as soon as things started becoming stale as it normally happens in the late stages of any relationship.
This lessened the pain of parting when all the fun was gone.
I get it now; serial dating or
even not dating at all can be easier than
nurturing a successful marriage.
Choosing not to remarry is an
understandable position, but I am
concerned when this option is selected to protect ourselves and not because it is
something we actually want. I understand
this mindset mostly because
I spent a lot of time in my early dating immediately after divorce being directed by fear.
I was very fearful, post-divorce, of getting into a future relationship only to repeat the same mistakes I had made in my dead marriage.
I was so overcome by fear that I did not want to remarry and it made dating very
It took a lot of counselling for
me to understand that I really did want to
try open dating again but was letting fear convince me otherwise.
I was allowing low self-esteem
associated with divorce, the statistics that
suggest dating after divorce is harder, and the fear of being hurt again, to decide my future.
I believe many men choose not to
pursue relationships post-divorce out of
fear and i want divorced people to make
decisions based on their authentic goals
and not to be clouded by the pain of divorce.
We, divorced men, have to move
beyond the pain and allow ourselves to live our lives fully again by cultivating richer experiences with women who walk into our single life again without the fear of commitment that mariage always seem to enforce.
Divorce should never make us give up on the other half of human race because of one rotten apple in that one big basket that we call the world.
I owe a lot to many different women who have come into my life as colleagues at work, waiters who serve me at a restaurant with a kind smile, supermarket cashiers, nurses who attend to my health issues-the list is endless!
I only used to see women from the romantic side.
Life after divorce has taught me that they can be friends,colleagues,care givers and I now see them in so many other roles in which they are useful to my life.
I thank them all for restoring my faith in women!
And what a big loss it would have been if just one of them had made me give up and hate all women!
We owe it to ourselves, having
been through divorce, to choose our
Whatever we choose to do with our life
after a divorce, it should come from a place where the pain of divorce does not cloud our decision.
At the very least, divorce
provides an opportunity to decide what you want for your future, without having to consult anyone else.
We choose how to spend our time.with whom to spend it with, and that is what I call personal freedom.
In a funny twist of fate, my two boys sided with their mother and ganged up against me.
While this was painful to me as a parent, I now find that it saved me from the guilt of feeling that I failed them by walking away from that dead mariage and leaving them behind to pursue my own personal freedom.
It also released me from all my parental responsibilities that would have always chained me back to my past.
On the plus side, that leaves me with a lot of disposable income from my personal investimemts to pursue my hobbies and interests.
I’m now a strong believer of the fact that all is not lost after divorce if we can pull ourselves together and focus on our personal improvement.
Ten years later, I’m richer for it, both spiritually and materially.