He’s married to a “wonderful woman,” and he works in a bank.
(He doesn’t work in a bank, I have just written that to protect him and to throw
He’s my closest friend.
A few weeks ago he threw me a curve ball.
We were emailing about ‘alternative careers’ when I asked him if his career (which isn’t banking) was fulfilling.
He said it was the only thing keeping him sane because the rest of his life was a shambles.
“What do you mean? Don’t your kids bring you joy?” I asked.
-Yes, but they were part of “an elaborate lie” that he had constructed for
And that’s when he told me he was gay.
He kept having kids to prove that he wasn’t gay.
JUST BEING HONEST
You know the first thing that came to my mind? Can you guess?
Well, it was: “Damn, I hope he isn’t trying to hit on me!”
I even went back to count all the smileys I have used in my reply emails to him.
I sent him, (three), and their usage.
Yes, I know, I should never have thought it but I’m being honest here.
He said he didn’t like women, never really has.
That he didn’t like being in “her bed.”
Here was a man calling his matrimonial bed “her bed”.
Do you see the weight of that phrase?
He said he forced himself to have sex with her and it always left him feeling “a
sense of great loss, like I keep selling my body to her at a lower price every time.”
He added, “I have ran out of currencies to feed this lie.”
He wanted to know what he should do.
I wrote back and told him, “First, never seek help on marriage from a lifetime bachelor like me.
We know nothing.
(And then I inserted a smiley here.)
I asked him if his wife suspects if he is gay.
He said she doesn’t.
But he’s been married for 10 years;
And I have always thought that women have a sixth sense!
Where is a woman’s sixth sense when they really need it?
They only have sixth sense when you buy a new shirt and wear new scents of cologne, but when you really need their sixth sense they don’t come through.
This guy has a boyfriend who is single.
A man older than him; he’s 37, the other guy is 44.
I asked him if the 44-year-old is the ‘man’.
He said no; he is. The ‘top’.
I was flattered, to be honest.
Here was a gay man asking me for relationship advice.
I think I have made it now as a gay relationship counsellor.
I don’t care what you think.
This is it for me.
I have crossover appeal.
For the longest time I had a single-minded view of homosexuality, mostly informed by my African socialisation.
Now I don’t care because there are
many things I should be caring about other than people’s sexual preferences.
I don’t care because I never had a son now, and even if I had, until I see him with a girl, I can’t be too inflexible.
If one day in the far future he tells me, “Papa, I’m gay,” will I disown him? Hell no.
I will be bewildered and conflicted, yes, and I will ask him, “Are you really, really sure, Kim?
Have you seen Sandra? She is very shapely. You should try your luck with her”
There is nothing “my son” will ever do to make me disown him.
I told my email buddy that he knows what he needs to do.
His choices are open to him and he only needs validation, which he won’t find with me.
Mostly, I told him to stop standing in the
I told him to stop conforming because he’s a round shape trying to fit through a square hole, and it’s going to keep killing his spirit.
He asked me if he should come out of closet.
I asked him for what?
A hero’s plaque?
There are men who love being whipped by women wearing orange wigs; do they feel the need to come out?
I told him to look for the Ray Bans advertisements: Never Hide.
Powerful advertisements, if there ever were any.
Then I sent him one last smiley.
Now my quota of gay relationship advice is done.
Who would have thought a self-exclaimed bachelor like is fit to offer relationship advice to a “married” gay man,and of all people,my closest friend?