Tags

, , , , ,

To Toni(Antoniella),

Many years have passed now, since I last saw you-many,many years ago!
My friends,those who were once our mutual friends,tell me about you once in a while when we meet.
But that is not the point I want to dwell in, in this long post.
My dear Toni,I just want to let you know that I have learnt my lesson.

I have tried many women in my life; none compares to what we had,you and I.

Ours was a communion of souls.

Our love was love full of innocence,long before our young bodies were stolen away by bodily lusts!

What came after you left me was just lust.

It was always your heart that I always wanted to win,but with many other girls who came after you,well,it was their bodies that I always wanted!

Toni,my dear,I was a boy then,on those days. But Toni, please, I’m a man now,
and losing you was the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life.

There are things you do that you later learn to regret, that flummox you,
unimaginable things that make you pause and reconsider who you really
are now, and what you were capable
of in those early years of your foolish past.

That’s what I realise now,my dear Toni,unfortunately,many years too late!

I’m an old man now.

I have been in and out of marriage,after you left.

Looking back,I can’t say I have truly fallen in love ever since you left my life,but I have lied to myself that I have loved other women,and I have lied to myself too,that they have loved me…

I learned a lot when I moved away from you.

I learned that I don’t even really like drinking all that much.

I learned that not everyone in the world thinks it’s cool to meet and sleep with random women.

I learned that holding someone you care about is more satisfying than the Ice Bucket Challenge in a hot desert.

I learned that leaving your dishes in the sink with ketchup on them makes doing the dishes a thousand times harder the next day,though you never complained when I used to do exactly that.

I realised how much I missed your sweet scent after you visited me in my house.

That scent… It’s faded from my life–and
it’s starting to fade away from my memory.

I fear for the day it truly does fade away completely from my life!

I learned how to embrace change.

I learned what being a man really is.

I learned. who I am now,and i hate who I have been in the past.

And most of all, I learned that you were always the best girl for me,my first love,the best thing that ever happened to me.

So let me say this; It doesn’t matter if
you’re 16 as you were when I first met you, or 96 now-my love for you is still as fresh as it were,those many years ago!

Don’t run away from my love because you’re afraid of all those mistakes I made,many years ago; I wish I hadn’t.

God, I wish I hadn’t,’cause you would still be here with me as I ride through the sunset of my years,alone.

So, Toni, if you ever read this, I miss you more than you will ever know.

I beg of you to share this message with other people who are in your life now, so that people don’t make the same dumb mistakes I made.

And maybe one day, Toni,you will come
across this post, and decide to say one more word to me,before I lie down for my eternal rest.

Maybe, if enough people read this and
share it to all their friends, maybe, you will be one of their friends,and you will come to see me in
person,just before I die .

Maybe we can go on another date,like the first date we had,you and I, and
I can spend the rest of my life making up for the way I treated you.

And I will have sheer probability to thank ,for bringing you back into my life,one more time.

I’m dying,my dear Toni,but this physical pain that I suffer everyday in my deathbed is not as bad as the pain I suffer,knowing that I won’t see you one more time,before my eyelids close forever in repose of death.

Pain is but a feeling,and this feeling will pass in time,as time passes away forever in my life,but I miss you, Toni.

And that’s a debt I’d like to pay back to you,before the end of my days!

Oooh,and these painful memories that now flood through my restless soul…running like a stuck loop of a tragic movie….!

Tony,you were my girlfriend, but now
we are forever separated.

We had broken up a dozen or more times during our early years together, and I’m finally strong in my spirit to want you back,and this time,dear Toni,it will be forever,because forever now stands at my doorstep,waiting to carry me into eternity.

Dont get me wrong, i still have feelings for you.

But those feelings just aren’t strong enough to sustain a healthy physical relationship.

My body is now almost done with all the burdens of this world,but my spirit wants to carry away a piece of your good soul with me to my new celestial home.

You and me are no more.

Both of us have remained single for all this time-Oh God,why didn’t we stick together for each other!, scares
me in these last days of my life.

But i know it is for the best, i swear it was
for the best.

There may be absolutely no part of you that even vaguely agrees with me, but i know I’m right. I know it is for the
best.

You can make no argument that will
change my mind about that single conviction in my now weak and feeble mind.

So just hear me out.

Read this post over and over again and
understand it.

Live it when I’m gone.

Go back to it every time you are feeling sad.
And know that someone always loved you so much
,that he couldn’t forget you,even on his deathbed!

It’ll help you.

It’ll help me too,to know that I have tried my best to contact you one more time,though my time is fast running out.

God knows we both need this last push of luck to move on,to have a decent closure on our relationship.

Always remember that I’ll still love you no matter what, just not in an intimate way.

You have become like a long lost sister to me.

Your memories help my mind to remain calm and focussed for this last and lonely journey ahead of me in these turbulent moments of my life.

You were ever sweet. Kind. Caring. And hopefully strong enough to handle what you are reading in this post right now.

I hope you are strong enough.

I really do. This relationship has taught me a lot about the ever enduring power of love, and no matter what anyone else says, I’ll always know that to be true,down here on earth,and in the many millions of years that I will live in eternity without end.

I hope it has taught you a lot also.

Someday you will realise what type of a boy was right for you.
But I became that boy long after you had already left my life.
How were you to know,my dear Toni,that every positive change I made in my life,I made it only for you?

I know for a fact that you will not realise what was the best for you anytime soon,not before you read this post.

You are stuck in this mindframe that you’ll never meet anyone else that you like as much as me,after reading this post.

You are wrong,my dear Toni.

Let me repeat that… You’re wrong.

Think about your future, your success, your goals.

You have so much to look forward to in your life.

I swear you do.

And that’s a life I would have liked to share with you,but my life is now time-barred by this terminal illness.

You are so bright.

I know some day, some special man is going to claim you for his own. And
you’ll claim him for your own.

You will love the feeling you have with him.

You will thank me in your mind for letting you go. You will,my dear Toni.

This experience is a good one.

Don’t remember it as a tragedy, which im sure you will,especially if you ever read this post.

Remember it as something that allowed
you to grow in a different direction away from the one I wanted for us both.

Think about it… You are rich now, you have a job, you are a little better at managing your money, you have planned on getting another car soon,… All these
things are so amazing, and they will help
you mature in a different way.

Dont get me wrong, i needed to
mature too. And I did,though you were not there to see these positive changes take place in my life after you left my life.

I owe you an apology for letting this relationship stay afloat for so
long without any proper direction. Too long,my dear Toni.

I knew it wasn’t going to work out for us in the long run, not before I could make any positive change like I have now done in my life, and i selfishly still kept you for myself, even long after you left my life.

I should have
ended it many years ago to set you completely free, and i should
have been serious about it.

Learn from my mistakes in our relationship,and dont dwell on the
negatives.
Take it for what it is, because it is
not going to change,it’s too late in the day for that,no matter how I feel about you in these last days of my life.

This post is not meant
to hurt you, it is meant to inform
you about my never ending love for you,right into the mouth of my grave.

I hope you understand exactly what
I’m saying, and hopefully you can live a
better life with someone who wants to
marry you.

There are plenty of men out
there who are good for you. This is where I now draw the line,my dear Toni.

It is too late to have you back in my life,but I will miss you in this last journey that I must take alone.

I wish you only the best in your life.
Good bye,Toni.

Yours forever,
Bernard.

Advertisements