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“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die
alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.”

~Orson Welles

“Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself.
Life’s cruellest irony.”

~Douglas Coupland

I’ve been screaming in my heart for years and no one has ever heard me.

I am nothing but a nobody.

I am numb, a world of nothing, all feeling and emotion gone forever.
I am a whisper that never was.
Because loneliness has been my loyal companion.

And I’ve fallen.

Fallen so hard.

I’ve hit the ground.

Gone right through it.

Never in my life have I felt like this.

Nothing like this.

I’ve felt shame and cowardice,
weakness and strength.

I’ve known terror and indifference, self-hate and general disgust.

I’ve seen things that cannot be
unseen.

And yet I’ve known nothing like this
terrible, horrible, paralysing feeling of dying alone.

I feel crippled.

Desperate and out of control.

And it keeps getting worse.

Every day I feel more sick.

Empty and somehow aching.

Life is a heartless bastard.

Loneliness in these last moments is a strange sort of thing.

It creeps on you, quiet and still, sits by
your side in the dark, strokes by your hair
as you sleep.

It wraps itself around your bones, squeezing so tight you almost can’t
breathe.

It lies in your heart, lies next to you at night, leaches the light out of every corner.

It’s a constant companion, clasping your hand only to yank you down when you’re struggling to stand up.

You wake up in the morning and wonder
who you are.

You fail to fall asleep at night and tremble in your skin.

You doubt you doubt you doubt.

-do I

-don’t I

-should I

-why won’t I

And even when you’re ready to let go of life,you doubt whether there is really no one out there who has any use for your poor life.

When you’re ready to break free from agonies of life,you hesitate.

-Maybe someone out there still needs me-you lie to yourself.

When you’re ready to be re-brand-new-you hesitate.

Loneliness is an old friend standing beside you in the mirror, looking you in the eye,
challenging you to live your life without
it.

You can’t find the words to fight
yourself, to fight the words screaming that you’re not enough never enough never ever enough.

Loneliness is a bitter, wretched
companion.

Sometimes it just won’t let go.

Makes me wonder about the falling raindrops outside my window:

I always wonder about raindrops.

I wonder about how they’re always falling
down, tripping over their own feet,
breaking their legs and forgetting their
parachutes as they tumble right out of the sky toward an uncertain end.

It’s like someone is emptying their pockets over the earth and doesn’t seem to care where the contents fall, doesn’t seem to care that the raindrops burst when they hit the ground, that they shatter when they fall to the floor, that people curse the days the drops dare to tap on their doors.

I am a raindrop.

My parents emptied their pockets of me
and left me to evaporate on a concrete
slab-a lonely life.

In these last days of my life,hope,empty hope, is hugging me, holding me in its
arms, wiping away my tears and telling
me that today and tomorrow and two days from now I will be just fine and I’m so delirious I actually dare to believe it.

Hope is a pocket of possibility.

I’m holding it in my hand.

Hope.

It’s like a drop of honey, a field of tulips
blooming in the springtime.

It’s a fresh rain, a whispered promise, a cloudless sky, the perfect punctuation mark at the end of a sentence.

And it’s the only thing in the world keeping me afloat.

I have absolutely no pleasure in the
stimulants in which I sometimes so madly
indulge.

It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason.

It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.

Raindrops are my only reminder that
this lonely world has another heartbeat besides mine.

That I have one,too.

But soon,and soon enough,I will lie down in eternal rest and silence.

But my soul died out of loneliness,many years ago.

I never had a friend.

But I wanted to be somebody’s friend.

I wanted to be the friend you fall hopelessly in love with.

The one you take into your arms and into your bed and into the private world I keep trapped in my head.

I wanted to be that kind of friend.

The one who will memorize the things you say as well as the shape of your lips when you say them.

I wanted to know every curve, every freckle, every shiver of your body.

I wanted to know where to touch you, I wanted to know how to touch you.

I wanted to know how to convince you to design a smile just for me.

Yes, I did want to be your friend.

I wanted to be your best friend in the entire world.

That’s now water under the bridge.

I’m leaving this world without a friend.

I’m just a blot in the dust that the wind will soon blow out of place.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

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