To all the girls I wrote to in high school who never replied, I hope you are still proud of your heartlessness!

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“I wanna hear your heartbeat,
In the darkness,
Every day of my life;
I wanna heart your heartbeat,
In the darkness(beating),next to mine!”
~Don Williams

I loved music during my High School days; I love music even more now,in my old age.

It is one love that I’ve not outgrown through all these years….

There was a time when seduction played out paper, not on Facebook or WhatsApp; when men wrote letters on stationary perfumed by cheap brands like Yolanda and sent them with a metaphorical kiss.

They were so cool we didn’t call them letters, we called them ‘missives’. We
even purchased stationary with love hearts printed on them, or flowers, that we thought fit for the purpose.

We then spent half our night- time preps writing these letters in black ink. This
kind of writing was arduous and precise because you didn’t have the benefit of the backspace, which means if you erred on the fifth paragraph, you had to start the letter afresh on a fresh piece of stationary. You wrote things like: ‘You make my heart go boom / food tastes like murram when I think about how you sung during that CU outing / your smile is like the full moon, and now it keeps my heart bright during these cold nights studying nomenclature in bio / I can’t wait to see you again because I’m the luckiest man in the world.’

Then you sent the letter with your photo
enclosed – the only photo in which you were wearing a clean school shirt. Letters would take a week to get there and another week to come back, assuming she was so taken by your lyrics that she wrote back immediately. But then you
would wait and wait and at some point you would realise you aren’t the luckiest man in the world and that in place of the full moon smile that shone in your heart, there now lived darkness.

Oh, with the level of heartbreak some
of us endured in high school, it’s a wonder that we even finished that race.

The art of writing letters to women is dead. I mean proper letters in envelopes. I miss licking the sticky side of an envelope. (How safe was that, anyway?) The thrill was not even in writing the letter with the cheesy poetry, it was in
waiting for a reply.

Sometimes you would wait and wait and think that maybe the klutzy form one Letter Boy in charge of distributing the
letters lost your letter in a heap. So you would write another one full of poetry and enclose another picture of yourself in a clean, borrowed shirt and still, she wouldn’t reply! Love was tough in high school. Hell, love is still tough.

Now it comes in the form of an ignored blue tick.

There is very good written song by Don
Williams who just passed on called If
Hollywood Don’t Need You. It’s one of my
favourites. I stole a lot from Don’s lyrics. This song starts with him telling this girl who left him to go to Hollywood that, “While you know I’m not much good at writing letters, so I gave up and decided that I’d call…/ There isn’t much news to tell you, things back here never seemed
to change at all / I hope you made the big time / I hope your dreams come true / But if Hollywood don’t need you, honey I still do / Lately we don’t cut up like we used to (with his mates) / Cause all that I think about is you / I know this is what
you’ve always wanted / but I know now that all I want is you.”

Boy, did I love that jam! I stole it and mutilated it and turned it into mine. And boy, did it fall flat with those girls! I guess I imagined that the girls would read it in Don William’s gentle voice.

They obviously read it in my squeaky voice. Oh well, this was supposed to be a tribute to Don Williams for dominating my pre-teens and now in my old age with great poetry and great lyrics. To all the girls I wrote to in high school who never replied, I hope you are still proud of your heartlessness!

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If I had all the world, it should be yours

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I love you with that tenderness of spirit, that purity of truth, that sincerity of heart, that I could sacrifice the nearest friends or interests I have on earth barely to please you.

If I had all the world, it should be yours; for with it I could but be miserable, were you not mine.

In short, you will quickly become to me the greatest blessing or the greatest curse that ever man was doomed to.

Oh, if I could but burn into your spirit the deep –the true meaning which I attach to those three syllables underlined! But, alas! The effort is all in vain and ‘I live and die unheard.

And now, in the most simple words I can
command, let me paint to you the impression made upon me by your personal presence.

As you entered the room, pale, hesitating, and evidently oppressed at heart; as your eyes rested for one
brief moment upon mine, I felt, for the first time in my life, and tremblingly acknowledged, the existence of spiritual influences altogether out of the reach of the reason.

I would comfort you – soothe you – tranquillize you. You would rest from care – from all worldly perturbation.

You would get better and finally well.

And if not Daisy – if you died – then, at
least, I would clasp your dear hands in death, and willingly – oh, joyfully – joyfully go down with you into the night of the grave.

From that hour I have never been able to shake from my soul the belief that my Destiny, for good or for evil, either here or hereafter, is in some measure interwoven with your own.

All thoughts – all passions seem now merged in that one consuming desire – the mere wish to make you comprehend – to make you see that for which there is no human voice – the unutterable fervor of my love for you.

So,say to me those coveted words that would turn Earth into Heaven.

My love has made me selfish. I cannot exist without you. I am forgetful of everything but seeing you again; my Life seems to stop there; I see no further. You have absorbed me. I have a sensation at the present moment as though I was
dissolving: I should be exquisitely miserable without the hope of soon seeing you.

I love you ever and ever and without reserve. The more I have known you the more have I loved. In every way, — even my jealousies have been agonies of Love; in the hottest fit I ever had I would have died for you.

I have been astonished that men could die Martyrs for religion, — I have shuddered at it. I shudder no more; I could be martyred for my Religion, — love is my religion, — I could die for
that. I could die for you.

This union is love – genuine, complete love, such as few men can imagine. It is a love which is a religion, since the object of love is regarded as a divinity, with all the devotion and affection which turn the greatest sacrifices into the sublimest joys.
Such a love you inspire in me, and such a love you will someday feel for me, although to my sorrow you do not feel it now. Your soul is incapable of an angelic love. It may be, therefore, that only an angel can inspire such a love.

Yes, I am your husband, your defender, protector, slave. On the day that I lose that conviction I shall have ceased to live, because my life will have lost its foundation. You are the only person to whom I can confide the desire, hope, and love that is within me – my soul itself.

I am in such haste that I know not what I write, but I do know that I love you more tenderly than ever, that the pain of this separation was necessary to convince me how very dear you are to me, and that I would give at this moment half my existence for the pleasure of embracing you again, and telling you with my own lips how well I love you.

Daisy,I only know that heaven watches over fools like me who spend all their life just being devoted to loving you!

In life, gradually, our desires change…

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Have you ever said to yourself,”this too shall come to pass”?

Did you find it liberating,just saying those words in the midst of a ‘storm in your life’?

When we are young or just naïve,we believe that we can change the
things around us in accordance with our
desires—we believe it because otherwise
we can see no other favourable outcome from our own desire.
We do not think of the outcome which
generally comes to pass and is also
favourable: When we do not succeed in
changing things in accordance with our
desires, gradually our desires
change.

The situation that we hoped to change because it was intolerable becomes unimportant to us.

We have failed to surmount the obstacle, as we were absolutely determined to do, but life has taken us round it, led us beyond it, and then if we turn round to gaze into the distance of the past, we can barely see it, so imperceptible has it become.

And that is what we generally call fate:
Sometimes fate is like a small
sandstorm that keeps changing
directions.
You change direction but the sandstorm chases you.
You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn.

Why?

Because this storm isn’t something that
blew in from far away, something that
has nothing to do with you.

This storm is you.

Something inside of you.

So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand
doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step
by step.

There’s no sun there, no moon,no direction, no sense of time.

Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized dry bones.

That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it
through that violent, metaphysical,
symbolic storm.

No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades.

People will bleed there, and you
will bleed too. Hot, red blood.

You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won’t
remember how you made it through,how you managed to survive.

You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain:
When you come out of the storm you
won’t be the same person who walked
in. That’s what this storm of change is all about.

And when you are going through this storm of change in your desires,the most important things are the hardest to say.

They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out.

But it’s more than that, isn’t it?

The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away.

And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it.

That’s the worst, I think.

When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.

Even love cannot escape the storm of change.

You think because she doesn’t love you
that you are worthless.

You think that because she doesn’t want you anymore that she is right — that her judgement and opinion of you are correct.

If she throws you out, then you are garbage.

You think she belongs to you because you
want to belong to her.

Don’t.

It’s a bad word, ‘belong.’

Especially when you put it with somebody you love.

Love shouldn’t be like that.

Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain?

They circle all around it; sometimes you can’t even see the mountain for the clouds.

But you know what?

You go up top and what do you see? Mountain’s head.

The clouds never cover the head.

The head pokes through, beacuse the clouds let it; they don’t wrap it up.

They let the mountain keep its head
up high, free, with nothing to hide it
or bind it,except when seen from a distance.

You can’t own a human being.

And so You can’t lose what you don’t own.

Suppose you did own her.

Could you really love somebody who was
absolutely nobody without you?

You really want somebody like that?
Somebody who falls apart when you
walk out the door?

You don’t, do you?
And neither does she.

You’re turning over your whole life to her. Your whole life, to a girl.

And if it means so little to you that
you can just give it away, hand it to her,
then why should it mean any more to
her?

She can’t value you more than you
value yourself.

I think we are well-advised to keep on
nodding terms with the people we used
to be, whether we find them attractive
company or not. Otherwise they turn up
unannounced and surprise us, come
hammering on the mind’s door at 4 a.m.
of a bad night and demand to know who
deserted them, who betrayed them, who
is going to make amends. We forget all
too soon the things we thought we could
never forget. We forget the loves and the
betrayals alike, forget what we
whispered and what we screamed,
forget who we were.

I once loved a pretty girl,who was far beyond my league.

And tore my heart apart.

I wanted so badly to lie down next to
her on the couch, to wrap my arms
around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in
those movies. Not even have sex. Just
sleep together in the most innocent
sense of the phrase. But I lacked the
courage and she had a boyfriend and I
was gawky and she was gorgeous and I
was hopelessly boring and she was
endlessly fascinating. So I walked back
to my room and collapsed on the bottom
bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I
was drizzle and she was hurricane.

But I tried, didn’t I? Goddamnit, at least
I did that.

But it too came to pass.

And like many other storms in my life, it didn’t kill me.

So if you are going to try anything in this life,If you’re going to try, go all the way.
Otherwise, don’t even start. This could
mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives
and maybe even your mind. It could
mean not eating for three or four days.
It could mean freezing on a park bench.
It could mean jail. It could mean
derision. It could mean mockery–
isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the
others are a test of your endurance, of
how much you really want to do it. And,
you’ll do it, despite rejection and the
worst odds. And it will be better than
anything else you can imagine. If you’re
going to try, go all the way. There is no
other feeling like that. You will be alone
with the gods, and the nights will flame
with fire. You will ride life straight to
perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight
there is.
Like a girl I met who kept saying-..
But I’m going to be very careful if I ever fall in love again;
I will be very careful the next time I fall
in love, she told herself. Also, she had
made a promise to herself that she
intended on keeping. She was never
going to go out with another writer: no
matter how charming, sensitive,
inventive or fun they could be. They
weren’t worth it in the long run. They
were emotionally too expensive and the
upkeep was complicated. They were like
having a vacuum cleaner around the
house that broke all the time and only
Einstein could fix it. She wanted her next
lover to be a broom.

Usually we walk around constantly
believing ourselves. “I’m okay” we say.
“I’m alright”. But sometimes the truth
arrives on you and you can’t get it off.
That’s when you realize that sometimes
it isn’t even an answer–it’s a question.
Even now, I wonder how much of my life
is convinced.

Reality too,actually, changes through the storms of our lifes.

I never believed in Santa Claus. None of
us kids did. Mom and Dad refused to let
us. They couldn’t afford expensive
presents and they didn’t want us to think
we weren’t as good as other kids who, on
Christmas morning, found all sorts of
fancy toys under the tree that were
supposedly left by Santa Claus.
Dad had lost his job at the gypsum, and
when Christmas came that year, we had
no money at all. On Christmas Eve, Dad
took each one of us kids out into the
desert night one by one.
“Pick out your favorite star”, Dad said.
“I like that one!” I said.
Dad grinned, “that’s Venus”, he said. He
explained to me that planets glowed
because reflected light was constant and
stars twinkled because their light
pulsed.
“I like it anyway” I said.
“What the hell,” Dad said. “It’s
Christmas. You can have a planet if you
want.”
And he gave me Venus.
Venus didn’t have any moons or
satellites or even a magnetic field, but it
did have an atmosphere sort of similar
to Earth’s, except it was super hot-about
500 degrees or more. “So,” Dad said,
“when the sun starts to burn out and
Earth turns cold, everyone might want to
move to Venus to get warm. And they’ll
have to get permission from your
descendants first.
We laughed about all the kids who
believed in the Santa myth and got
nothing for Christmas but a bunch of
cheap plastic toys. “Years from now,
when all the junk they got is broken and
long forgotten,” Dad said, “you’ll still
have your stars.

Love is not real; Love is turning away from the reality

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How do you know how to love? Did you sit
wide-eyed in front a large screen as
colourful costumed characters hugged one
another to a saccharine sound-track so this
imbued you with the concept of what love
was? Did those cartoon characters explain
to you what it is to love? Did their
exaggerated voices and crazy antics,
followed by the moral of the story teach you
what love is? Perhaps you read about it in
love, heard it in songs and studied the many
ways in which this ultimate emotion
appears and affects people. Chances are
that you have been affected by those hugely
affecting passages from the great works
dedicated to love. Chances are you have
been captured by haunting lyrics and catchy
jingles which also profess to tell you what
love is. They have all played a part. You may
have learned about love from the version
churned out by the media, of Hollywood
romance, dashing heroes, fair maidens,
tarts with golden hearts, the good man who
rides to the rescue, the wayward soul saved
by love. Love may have been explained to
you from the pulpit as a higher love,
something which transcends all earthly
manifestations, a love so powerful and
complete that it sacrificed its only son in
order to demonstrate its love for
humankind. This godly love is all around
you, it touches each and all and is mighty in
its effects. Love may have been learned
from furtive fumbles down alleyways,
sneaking into bedrooms when so young, the
exploration of warm and urgent body parts
accompanied by those every so sincere
protestations of love. A haphazard journey
through galloping teen years as nothing and
everything makes sense all at once. Then
again, love might have appeared to you in
the form of something small and furry, an
unconditional (so long as it was fed) love
which was loyal, giving and ever so cute. So
many erudite tutors, learned lecturers and
wise proponents of what love is. Love thy
neighbour, love yourself, love is all you
need, woman in love, it must have been
love, crazy little thing called love, to know
him is to love him, we found love, how deep
is your love? Love is all around us, in us,
between us, lifting us up and letting us
down. It is everywhere and you may well
have been taught by many of the above and
more besides as to what love is.
However, love most likely will have been
taught to you by those who created you,
those two people who came together and
through their own pleasure created you.
Two people who decided that they would
shoulder the responsibility of creating life,
nurturing it and bringing a new person into
the world. Those two people accepted
many, many responsibilities from such a
decision and act. Chief among them was
the responsibility of teaching that person
what love is. Through their offices they have
furnished each and every one of us with the
notion of what love is. A deep-seated and
visceral understanding of this is how love
feels, this is what it looks like, this is what it
sounds like. This is love. From those two
people more than anything else we are first
grounded in the concept of what love is.
This grounding lasts a considerable time
and whilst there are other factors to be
considered, as I have mentioned above, it is
this lesson which is learnt invariably first
and the one lesson which resonates beyond
all others. So often we are in their hands
when it comes to being taught about love.
So, what is this taught love? It has so many,
many facets.
Love is being told to never trust anybody.
Love is being made to re-write the entire
essay because of one spelling mistake.
Love is being sent to stand outside on a cold
winter’s day until all three verses of Ode to
Autumn are recited correctly.
Love is knowing nothing is ever good
enough.
Love is understanding that someone else
knows better than you what is best for you.
Love is turning away from the reality.
Love is standing straight against a wall for
several hours for speaking out of turn.
Love is for the weak.
Love is being told that when I am gone
nobody else will look out for you.
Love is succeeding.
Love is building a wall as high as possible.
Love is trying until it hurts and gaining that
final curt nod of approval.
Love is being seen and not heard.
Love is fulfilling your potential and securing
that legacy.
Love is hurting you even though it hurts
me, but someone in this household has to
do it and it won’t be him will it?
Love is reading to yourself than being read
to.
Love is living in the shadows and hoping not
to be noticed.
Love is being the best.
Love is the preserve of the powerful.
Love is being denied a birthday party
because the other children are too stupid.
Love is being undermined in order to
prevent conceit.
Love is a begrudged recognition and the
injunction to try harder, go further, climb
higher, run faster, study longer.
Love is burning your hand but not crying.
Love is don’t tell anybody about our secret.
Love is a righteous beating.
Love is being distant and pretending things
never happened.
Love is being sent away.
Love is not being told.
Love is splendid isolation.
Love was taught this way.
Love is embracing chaos that spring from our primal lust.
Love is after all,only a taught construct in our minds!

We’re each a negligible part of a vast cosmic entity, and there really is something beautiful about that if you choose to see it for what it is

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We all experience the world like we are at the center of reality.

We think and we feel in relation to how our senses absorb information and how this information mingles with our personal memories. The subjective perception created by these interactions provides the illusion of importance.

We forget that this perception only exists in our minds and that everyone near us is walking around under exactly the same psychological mindset.
In truth, we’re just one of billions, and over the course of history, everything about us is insignificant. Even people like Newton and Einstein, who we revere for their contributions to humanity, are only slightly less insignificant.

Our universe contains one septillion stars (a one followed by 24 zeroes) and a lot of these stars contain many, many more modes of dust that we call planets. If any of us ceased to exist tomorrow, little would change beyond the subjective emotional states of the people in our immediate circles.

Earth would continue its orbit, and the laws of physics would remain in tact. We’re nothing more than a fraction of a ripple in an infinite sea of entropy.

The Purpose of Life Is to Be a Nobody
We’re nothing more than a fraction of a ripple in an infinite sea of entropy. Unsplash
Many of us don’t like hearing this. It conflicts with the story our mind tells.

We’re brought up to think that we’re special, and we like believing it. But I don’t say any of this as a cynic or to depress you. In fact, quite the opposite. I say it because distinguishing between our subjective perception and the objective reality is the key to living a meaningful and important life.

Acknowledging unimportance liberates us from the grips of the self-centered voice in our head that’s chiefly responsible for many of life’s difficulties.

It’s the voice that compares us to people that don’t matter, it’s the same voice that convinces us that we’re entitled to a comfortable and easy life, and it’s indeed this voice that has us chasing arbitrary measures of success.

And the result?

We spend our time acquiring things we don’t want or need, we falter at the first sign of hardship and inconvenience, and one day, we wake up to a ticking clock realizing that, all this time, we’ve lived somebody else’s life.

The surest way to be unfilled is to walk around like you hold some sort of a privileged position in the universe. It’s not only a completely false and harmful illusion, but it also overlooks the fringe benefits of being a nobody.

I’d like to walk you through them.

1. Being a nobody allows us to truly experience and appreciate the profoundness of the sublime.

In 1757, Edmund Burke published one of the most influential works in aesthetics. It’s a branch of philosophy that deals with the nature of beauty.

In it, he separated sensory experiences into The Beautiful and The Sublime.

We’re all familiar with The Beautiful. It can be summarized by the standard definition. We see it every day in the things we find stunning and pleasant. The Sublime, however, is different. It’s more than just visually enticing. It’s overwhelming. It makes us feel small, and it has the power to engorge us.

It’s found when we are in awe at the might of nature, it’s experienced in the emotion of love, and it’s discovered when we are compelled by a great work of art. It’s a heightened sense of existence beyond comfort and normalcy.

The Purpose of Life Is to Be a Nobody
Every day we see things we find stunning and pleasant. Unsplash
To fully indulge in The Sublime, we have to give up a part of ourselves. We are forced to accept a degree of inferiority for a connection to something greater. The risk of vulnerability is balanced by the reward of ecstasy.

No one is immune from experiencing this wonder, but an ego and a deep sense of personal importance get in the way. They seek ecstasy without accepting vulnerability, and they then find themselves cornered with fear.

There is nothing desirable about it. It leads to a kind of paralysis that steals the potential of experiencing some of the great joys in life. It may be masked with humor or rationality, but in truth, it’s nothing more than insecurity.

Being a nobody, you don’t have this problem. You accept that you’re already naked, so you may as well put it on display to try and gain something.

More often than not, you do.

2. Being a nobody frees us from the irrational pressures and expectations of an uncertain world.

We live our lives guided by labels and hierarchies. It’s how we make sense of a complex reality. That said, these labels and hierarchies aren’t absolute.

A tree isn’t a tree because a law of nature has defined it as a tree. It’s a tree because our cognitive brains have learned to understand it as such. It’s our way of translating sensory noise into a mode of organization that’s useful.

This is a crucial distinction. Our observation of reality is an approximation confined by the boundaries of language. It’s uncertain and in large part unpredictable. As the late Nobel Laureate Albert Camus noted, we live to reason with an unreasonable world and it often leads to a conflicted life.

When you bind these labels and hierarchies too closely to your identity, you anchor your expectations to things that are fundamentally fragile.

The Purpose of Life Is to Be a Nobody
Our observation of reality is an approximation confined by the boundaries of language. Unsplash
If you gain your worth from being a CEO and the fact that you wield a degree of power in the context of a business, rather than, say, from intrinsic values, then you will eventually find yourself in a position of conflict.

Life isn’t concerned with your artificial sense of importance. At some point, there will be a divergence between the story you tell yourself and the cold, hard reality. Your net worth won’t matter, and the fall will be much steeper.

When you are a nobody, however, you don’t pretend that a label — whether good or bad — is anything more than a figment of our collective imagination. You liberate yourself from many of the petty societal pressures of existence.

You may still assume a certain role with pride, but knowing that it doesn’t make you any more or less important grounds you on a firmer foundation.

It’s a small mental shift that makes a big difference.

3. Being a nobody gives us the humility to realize that it’s our struggles that define us, not our desires.

When we convince ourselves that we’re more special than what the universe dictates, we tend to develop a sense of entitlement about what life owes us.

We choose to believe the surface-level stories about what happiness and success look like, and we are quick to think that they don’t cost a thing.

The harsh truth is that the universe doesn’t owe anyone anything. It’s utterly indifferent to what you or I want. It exists as it does based on the forces that act on it, and to shape an outcome in our favor, it’s on us to pick our battles.

It’s fine and well to want an amazing career, but walking around with the assumption that you deserve one won’t get you there. It’s the price that you are willing to pay that will. It’s that initial unrewarded work and those long, long hours of blood and sweat and tears with no end in sight that will.

The Purpose of Life Is to Be a Nobody
The harsh truth is that the universe doesn’t owe anyone anything. Unsplash
To accept such struggles, it takes humility. It requires you to acknowledge that you’re just like everybody else that wants a great job, a wonderful relationship, and consistent happiness. Your desires aren’t unique.

It means that you accept that the difference isn’t in what you want, but in what you are willing to suffer for. It’s about the trade-offs you’re willing to endure, the beatings you’re willing to take, and it’s about knowing that in spite of all of that, the fruits of your labor may still not amount to anything.

It’s about boldly staring life in the face and having the courage to say,

“I might not be much, and I know I won’t always get what I want, but it sure as hell doesn’t mean that I won’t try.”

And that, ultimately, is the purpose of life. To try and see reality in its true form and then to do what you can to shape it into what you wish it were.

You’re already a nobody, and as am I. We’re not owed anything. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we can focus on the things we can change. And there’s a lot we can change. It’s not easy, but that’s precisely why it’s valuable.

We’re each a negligible part of a vast cosmic entity, and there really is something beautiful about that if you choose to see it for what it is.

The Profile of a Deadbeat Dad

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You don’t become a father unless a woman is kind enough to grant you the honour of siring a child with her(not so in case of rape!).

Then she throws you on a tail spin.
The mother of this child then becomes
difficult to live with.

She makes financial and emotional demands you cannot meet.
You start seeing you have no future as a couple.

You separate.

You demand to spend time with your daughter, to bond with her like
father and daughter but mother would
have none of it.

She demands you pay bride wealth to her parents and take her a wife.

She insists you visit the altar and sign the
dotted lines.

You prevaricate, being in severe financial
straits.

But you send money to her frequently for the child’s upkeep.

You also send money to members of her family to help keep in good stead.

Her demands increase.

You long to see your daughter frequently.

She baulks and becomes increasingly abusive.

She isn’t working so she needs more financial assistance from you.

You begin to think she considers you an ATM; as such, available to her beck and call to be skimmed for cash.

You resists her onslaught.

You get vilified and ostracised.

You are banished from seeing your daughter.

You are a deadbeat dad, a worthless sperm donor, a no-do-gooder creating toxic cellular mayhem in society
at large.

You re-trace your steps, seek
rapprochement with her and her family.

She does not relent in her demands.

You have to provide this, that and the other for the child or else…

You call in Social Services to intervene.

They plead with her to be reasonable.

She curses, cries, gnashes her teeth and insists her demands be met.

They tell her she’s trying the father’s patience.

They wonder how you can manage to have so much patience.

Both mother and father leave
Social Services unresolved.

You call your child to say I love you.

The child,in a rehearsed voice says she despises you and drops the
phone.

What can the mother be feeding
the child, you ask? She’s only four
years old. Where is she learning hatred
from?

You continue to rack your brain to no
avail.

You remain undecided as to how to solve the problem.

Sometimes,the mother allows you to speak with their child. Sometimes
she doesn’t.

Your requests for visits are met
with the same attitude.

The child remains ambivalent towards you, wavering between love and hate.

You fear her young mind is being poisoned.

Your heart breaks over the mental
manipulation.

Perhaps you’d better withdraw completely to spare everyone further heartache.

Sometimes you do not call or visit for months.

You fear you are becoming what you had always dreaded most : a deadbeat dad.

The years drift by.

The mother insists you can’t want the child and not want her too.

This is a serious bone of contention.

You must desire her enough in order to be with yourr child.

She refuses to budge from her demands that you pay ‘damages’,
Bride wealth and sign the dotted lines with her.
You have long since stopped loving her.
She senses this and uses your child as a
pawn.

You feel helpless and resent the
situation.

You eventually cave in to this
helplessness.

You drift away from your
child.

Their child becomes a young woman
full of resentment for you.

You had abandoned her.

You failed to fight for her.

You haven’t been there at the crucial
moments of her life.
Her mind had been filled with bitter tales
about your absence.

Your absence is both a life sentence and an indictment.
Nothing can assuage the pain, the sense
of betrayal and abandonment.

To her, her mother,and the rest of the world, you will always be, and remain a deadbeat dad.

If i ever find love again

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Where can I go, when all the roads I take they never lead me home
Hey yo
I miss you so, but I’m used to seeing people come and go

Yeah, I’ve made mistakes
Next time, I swear I’ll change

When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll be much better than the man I used to be
When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll have a better plan for us

Hey yo
I’m not ashamed, ’cause everybody has a heart that’s made to break
Hey yo
Don’t be afraid, ’cause you’re only getting stronger from the pain

Yeah I’ve made mistakes
Next time, I swear I’ll change

When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll be much better than the man I used to be
When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll have a better plan for us
Yeah, you and me

Yeah, I’ve made mistakes
Next time, I swear I’ll change

When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll be much better than the man I used to be
When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll have a better plan for us
Yeah, you and me

When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll be much better than the man I used to be
When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll have a better plan for us

When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll be much better than the man I used to be
When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll have a better plan for us

Memories of a Wonderful Christmas; a dance with Lena

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I had no plans for this Christmas day,long ago,back on my college days.

I kept my lonely self busy listening to Christmas carols playing on the radio.

Suddenly,I was disturbed by a soft knock on my door.

I hurried to the door,and when I opened it,a girl who was gradually growing into a beautiful woman,was standing on the threshold: She was my Lena,a half-woman,and a half girl, pouting her seductive lips as an invitation for a silent kiss!

Her black skirt suit fitted her blossoming figure smoothly,gloss cheeks and her sexy eyes poring shyly through my shocked senses.

She was not disconcerted by my embarrassment;my room was in disarray,I was not expecting a visitor.

She looked about her with naïve curiosity that always turned me on,I remembered so well during our first sleep over in my place.

You were not expecting me,Ben,but here I am-she said as she took off her jacket and sat more at ease in her blouse,of some soft,flimsy silk,on my bed.

Her face dimpled into a shy smile,and her hand reached out to tuning dial on my radio,searching,for what I came to realise in a moment,dance music station.

She rose ,and held out her hand for me,a shell shocked figure of a man,being led on,as always,by this beautiful girl.

To dance with Lena on Christmas day,or any other day, was like coming home,riding on the crest of a tame ocean tide.

She moved without exertion,rather lazily,
Her hand often tapped the rhythm of the music playing on my radio, softly on my shoulder.

She only smiled if I spoke to her,but seldom answered.

The music seemed to put her into a soft trance,and her eyes looked sleepily and confidingly at me from her cute lashes.

Whenever she sighed,she always exhaled a fragrant breath of pepper mint that drove me insane,and I only remedied this with a return of a wild kiss.

She danced every dance like a waltz,a waltz of coming home to the best romance that I ever had,of inevitable Christmas rapture.

With Lena,every dance was always a new adventure of subtle seduction,a return to a new place in my heart that has always been reserved for her.

And at the end of every dance,after her fingers stopped tapping the rhythm of music on my shoulders,she ran them through my hair,waiting for the next song that would play on my little transistor radio,and call us again to the dance floor of my small bachelor pad.

I have always dreamed of Lena.

One dream I dream many times over during Christmas,and is always the same dream; I’m lying on grass under a mango tree that grew in my childhood home. Lena is coming across barefoot in a short skirt,with her long dancing legs hoovering over my face.

She squats on her heels beside me with a soft sigh and says; “now,they are all gone Ben,and I can kiss you as much as you want,on this Christmas day!”.

Lena has left something warm and friendly in my heart that runs through all my Christmases.

If there were no girls like Lena in this world,there would be no poetry,and Christmas would always be another dull day me: this revelation seems to me inestimably precious,and I always cling to it every Christmas day as if it might suddenly vanish.

As I sit all by myself this Christmas day,I know that my old dream will come to me again,like a precious memory of that actual experience many years ago,floating like a picture page on some glamorous magazine,with Lena whispering softly on my ears; “”now,they are all gone Ben,and I can kiss you as much as you want,on this Christmas day!”.

Merry Christmas,2015,every one!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

So my (Ex)girlfriend kissed a girl!

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So my woman passionately kissed a girl on the mouth.

It didn’t break my heart; it broke all the faith I had in women as soul mates.

I didn’t hear about it on the grapevine; I saw it one night as I drove to her place.

As I parked, i noticed them, right there
under the street lamp in the deserted cranny of a peripheral University Campus estate, two women, washed over by a beam of light coming from above them, their shadows
cast far out into the wet road.

I knew it was my (now Ex)girlfriend – I can tell the shape of my woman in any light or darkness– I could tell how her butt juts out like that, as if struggling to divorce itself entirely from the rest of her body.

At first, in alarm, I thought that the other
figure was a guy, and I instinctively slowed the car down to a crawl and as I drew nearer.

I squinted and saw with surprise (and relief) that it was actually a girl.

She was taller (than her, and me).

She was wearing some sort of running tights and a sweater through which large breasts rose triumphantly on her chest.

With one hand she held my woman around the waist and with the other, the back of her head in that firm, half manly, half womanly, fashion.

It seemed tender, yet enslaving in a sinful way at the same time.

That hand on her neck seemed to say, “You are mine. That rogue of a man you call your boyfriend will never love you as passionately as I do now,at this present moment”.

My woman looked all together succumbed and submissive to this tall manly looking slender girl, resigned in a docile way I have never quite seen before in her demeanour.

She seemed completely owned by this
strange woman.

It was unbelievable to me,knowing she was a mother of a toddler from her previous relationship.

Clustered together under that street lamp, they looked like two last humans left behind after a catastrophic apocalypse, desperately clinging
onto what’s left of their humanity.

It didn’t look romantic,like it would look if it were between a man and a woman; it looked ominous, desperate, desolate,a cannibalistic sort of union.

Later she walked into her kitchen to find me fixing a drink (Lord knows I needed
something stiff). “Hey,” she said.

I poured her a glass of her regular tetra pack Sherry that I always brought along for her as she unwound the scarf
around her neck.

She said she had been out to clear her head.

“The long walk always does me a lot of good,I had to have one just waiting for you” she added, taking her wine from my hand and kissing me on the mouth.

Her lips tasted of dirty rainwater.

Have you ever slipped and fell face down into a roadside gutter after the rain tasting the muddy water in the ditch?

That’s how her mouth tasted in my mind.

She took a sip and stared into her glass, as if looking at her reflection, or choosing the right words to say something.

I leaned on the kitchen counter and stared
at her.

Her sharp chin and sparkling eyes and her long hair, now wet, falling around her face, making her look like one of those gypsies I read about in books.

“I didn’t know you like girls as well,” I said.

She sighed, and I could have sworn I felt
the sigh coming before she actually let it out.

That statement hung in her kitchen air like dawn fog; solid and weighty, like it
can anchor a small steamer ship.

She looked up and held my gaze for a while before bringing her glass to her lips.

I patiently rattled my ice cubes in my glass of whisky, intrigued, curious. “I don’t know what to say,” she mumbled, finally. “It’s just one of those things that happen and you can’t explain… you are a guy, you wouldn’t understand. I don’t expect you to… but I’m straight,that’s why you are here with me now. I was just curious, OK?”

Her statement was much more painful than a physical castration on my manhood.

Then she sat her glass on the counter and crossed her arms around her chest, like she was shivering, and looked at me with a question mark on her chin.

“I actually don’t mind,” I said with a wicked smile.

She stared hard at me then emitted a
small choked laugh. “You are sick,” she said.

Any man who has asked his woman if they would kiss another girl has been told, “Yeah, why not?. It’s innocent”.

Like they would actually consider it completely asexual.

A perfectly straight woman will tell you, “That woman has nice breasts,” or “That woman is so hot,” or “That chick has such a sexy body.”

But it always comes out in an asexual way.

But I knew that my woman was having a lesbian affair with her bosom friend.

I snooped into her bedside drawers; there were all manners of lesbian toys.

I slept on a matress on the floor of her bedroom that night,feeling disgusted about my folly.

I drove off the next morning very early before she awoke.

I haven’t seen her since.

I have never tried to find out what she does with the fake facade of her double life.

¤¤¤¤¤

Two weeks ago I went for this pre-wedding lunch meeting for one of my friends and happened to sit next to this chap called Tony who is a soil scientist in my consultancy.

Tony and I rarely discuss anything about our social lives.

But he was tipsy on this night.

He said that women are inherently and unconsciously predisposed to be
attracted to other women, and of course that caused a big debate around the
table.

That’s how the memory of this lesbian ex-girlfriend resurfaced on my mind,after I had all forgotten about it for years now.

Then I bounced the idea off a few women and they seemed not altogether rebuffed by it as long as they “liked that girl.” “You would have no reason to be jelously suspicious about such an asexual gesture,Ben,would you?”.

But does it matter?

Does it matter when you find out that your woman has been getting some
tender loving from another woman?

Would you get mad? Jealous? Like I did?

Would you want to compete with another
woman? How could you? Wouldn’t that be like bringing a cock to a bullfight?

Wait, I shouldn’t have said that here.

That’s not what I meant…you know what, just have yourself a great weekend, will you?

I, on the other hand, will fetch myself a drink,and drown the foul taste of that last kiss on my mouth that I got from my lesbian girlfriend, many,many years ago.

I forget what her name was.

Of savvy kids, and seeking clarity of mind in a world full of mist

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I really can’t tell what’s happening to me these days.

I miss kids like crazy.

I’d wish to really have some kids around me at this point in my life.

Does that happen to you?

When you see a child and you want to adopt them even if they are with their parents?

There is this other kid I wanted to adopt because my life is full of kids I want to adopt.

This one was a boy of about 7.

He was performing at a school concert a few weeks ago at a neighbouring school’s open day that we attended,me and my partner,Daisy.

By some accident of nature,I don’t have my own kids,neither does Daisy,my partner.

They were a whole bunch, dancing up on stage to Eddie Kenzo’s song Sitya Loss. Chubby boy with a gorgeous smile that never left his face and that boy could dance!

He had such a robust spirit, such a vim for life and he was there dancing upfront,
moving his chubby limbs, his large
cheeks strained in that lovely smile and
he was killing it!

I wanted to adopt that one even though I could tell his appetite would get me bankrupt in a week. Boys eat.

A boy eats anything.

If it doesn’t cause him convulsions,he will eat it.

I told some pal of mine this story, the
story about that boy, and he said it was kind of creepy.

He said that he has NEVER looked at someone’s child and thought he should adopt them.

Which made me wonder if I was growing to be a kind of a creepy middle-aged man.

Then another lady friend of mine mentioned that I should try meditation and yoga to- and listen to this – “calm my mind.”

This “craving” for other people’s kids must be coming from a “disturbed mind”,she said.

That I needed “clarity.”

You see a kid who dances in a school concert and suddenly people want you to have clarity!

Yogis are always trying to get the world to seek clarity.

They want you to “centre” yourself. I feel centred enough, thank you very much.

If I didn’t feel centred I would be jay walking.

I saw this other kid once at Kengele’s,ABC place,Waiyaki way, Lavington Curve, speaking on the mobile phone.

She was about 5/6years old,
protectively clutching a doll under her armpit.

“I was not sure what to order,” she was saying,”…yes, but last time I eated chicken wings…I ate chicken wings,…yes,….yes, but will Cynthia take me to see Garvin?…Why mom?”

Then she did something extraordinary, she looked at her phone and said, “ Wait, dad is calling me, wait a moment mom.”

And she pressed a button on her phone and said, “Hi dad… I’m fine…at Big Square, I am talking to mom, can you call me back after five minutes?” then she pressed another button and said, “That was dad, he was aksing where I am,” then at that moment the little spacecraft thing they give you when you order food started vibrating and lighting up on the table and she looked at it and simply told the mom, “Food is ready, I will call you
later,” and then hung up, pap without
any ceremony! Haha.

They always hung up fast when they see food.

I watched her and her nanny go to the counter to pick their order and I was completely mesmerised and in awe.

I sat there and thought, heck, what school does this kid go to?

I particularly loved how she said,
“aksing”, not “asking.”

Dad is aksing where I am.

I didn’t want her to leave. I wanted her
to stay there a little longer with her doll and receive a million calls for me to eavesdrop on.

She had these small podgy fingers with nails painted silver and with some princessy things on them.

Her feet dangled from the edge of the wooden seats.

Pretty as a goddamn picture,till it hurt my eyes,just looking at her.

I watched them leave.

The nanny carrying the food and her hopping and skipping along beside her confidently, with her doll and her
mobile phone that connects her to the
world.

A little girl who knows how to keep you on hold, pick another call and then put you off hold.

I struggle with that stuff, yet she did it one fluid motion and with such class: “Dad, can you call me back in five minutes?”

My God, I bet that kid eats Weetaflakes for breakfast and flosses her teeth twice a week!

She has always stayed on my head, that
kid.

I know this might sound crazy, but
I wanted to adopt her.

I wanted to show up with her in my house and my partner would ask, bending to greet her with a smile, “and who is this?” and I would tell her, this is Winnie-The-Doll and she would say, “OK, I know but who is this other pretty one?” and the little girl would speak up and say with confidence, “My name is Brenda,” Of course she is Brenda,nowadays nobody calls their kids Jane or Milka or Pamela.

That’s like buying an antiquated Motorola phone.

And Brenda and Winnie The Doll would sit and have milk and biscuits with us at the dining table.

Later,Daisy,my partner would summon me to the bedroom and ask, Who is that kid, is that your kid? and
I would say, No, relax, I saw her at Kengele’s food joint and I took her.

And she would look at me like I’d gone mad and ask incredulously, “You took her? Like you would take a free magazine?”

And I would say, “I mean, she didn’t mind, I think she is too cool, I heard her hold and unhold a call and I just had to take her…don’t you like her or her Winnie the Doll?” and she would hold her head in her hand like it’s going to explode and then motherly put one hand on my shoulder and say in a very slow tone, like I’m slightly younger than Brenda, “You can’t take other people’s kids from restaurants because you think they can swap through calls! It’s illegal. Now I
want you to take her back right now, her
parents must be sick of worry!”

Then I would ask if she can at least finish her milk and she will say sure, of course
then watch me leave the room with a
very worried look on her face.

Anyway, Daisy, my partner and my resident shrink on the house,sent me this Russell Simmons book called “Success Through
Stillness” co-authored by Chris Morrow.

It’s about how Russell, a hip-hop mogul,
found his stillness but I really never read
past the third paragraph and every time
she would call and ask me, “Ben, have
you finished the book?” I would say, “I’m
taking my time with it,” until finally she
asked, “You aren’t reading it, are you?”
and I said I wasn’t.

I said I had a clot in leg calf vein and
I have been waiting for it to disintegrate
first because really, I don’t think you can
“centre” yourself when you have a clot in
your leg. So now that the clot is no
more, I just have to read it.

But she also asked me to download this app called Meditation Made Simple by the same Russell Simmons and it promises to reduce stress, anxiety attacks and Insomnia, and to increase happiness.

How about that, an app that will
increase your happiness.

Regretfully , it didn’t mention anything about urges to adopt other people’s kids.

So this morning I started on my Buddhist meditation again.

I woke up at 5am and went to the sitting
room and sat in silence, eyes closed and
I played the app which is essentially
Russell Simmons asking you to breathe
in and out while swami-like music plays
in the background. “…to recognise all
the pauses between our breath in the
second of stillness…” Russell says sagely.

The whole point of the exercise is to
empty your mind of thoughts and find
peace.

But my thoughts refused to leave,I couldn’t focus.

I heard the wall clock tick loudly above, I heard the fridge hum and the water dispenser purr and outside the neighbour’s cock make a racket. (Oh boy,
I can’t even find stillness in a sentence
like that).

It was ironic that I heard more sounds while meditating than when I wasn’t.

It lasted ten minutes of me sitting there shirt less in my sleeping shorts, legs crossed like a swami, breathing in and out and trying not to imagine my partner walking out and finding me there, which wouldn’t surprise her because she already thinks I’m a bit crazy wanting to steal other people’s kids just because they are cute. Hehe.

She almost said that I’ve started “behaving like a woman”.

Which is why I think people should
meditate in a forest, probably Karura forest.

Or Ngong forest.

Talking of forests.

There was this time I was coming from my home town in Kiambu.

Driving back I found myself alone because the person I had gone with decided to stay behind.

So I was in the car alone and some chaps –probably some carjacker were trailing my car.

The previous night, I was out having drinks with my childhood buddies from my village.
I slept at midnight. Stupid. I know.

But have you ever dozed off at the steering wheel?

It’s the scariest thing ever!

An hour before I came to Karura Forest at Ridgeways,I was woken up with a start by the front wheel getting off the road.

My heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my neck.

I rolled down all the windows, and
killed the heating system.

I called my friend Gitau who had made a short stop over in Kiambu town and said, Boss, I’m nodding off, can we meet up somewhere in Pangani and do a power
nap?

He said, “I was nodding off too, but
where do we stop man, where is this
place?” I didn’t know.

It was dark. And cold.

All I knew was that in the middle of Karura Forest and it didn’t seem like a
bright idea to just stop in that ominous
darkness.

I might wake up and find that some opportunists helped themselves to my car tyres as I slept.

But i said Heck and pulled over at the side of the road in a small clearing and blacked out.

When I woke up at 6.30am there was an
old man tapping on my window.

He had on those grungy hats farmers those sides wear with some a heavy brown jacket with a red collar turned up.

His face was weathered and curved like
something from a slave-movie.

He startled me.

I started the engine and rolled down my window slowly.

Here is the weird thing, In my confusion, I
thought it was an apparition. True story.

I thought I had died at the wheel because
of sleeping while driving and now,a saint
was here with his grungy hat.

He said something in Kikuyu and I thought, aah this is just great, now even a saint has to be a KiKuyu?

I said something in Kiswahili and he
asked me if we were OK and I said I had
slept, I was tired driving.

And he said, Ohh, “poleni kwa safari” (Sorry for a tiring journey and he trudged on, hunched over.

I went over and woke Gitau and the
rest up and went and peed in the bush.

Then I realised that I really needed to
use the bathroom so I went to the little
boma 50-meters away and found the old
man standing near his gate reading
smses on his feature phone and asked him if I could use his bathroom.

He pointed at this drop-toilet and I walked in, past mud-houses, a cattle shed, past a kitchen with musky three-stone smoke coming out of its door and when I got to the drop toilet I realised it had no tissue pape,r so I walked back and embarrassingly asked him if I could get some.

He called out a name, Wanjiku or Wairimu, I can’t recall, they all sound the same, and said something in Kikuyu and Wairimu or Wanjiku, a girl not more than 13, brought back a bunch of old newspapers which was a bit insulting because really, how big did she think my ass was?

When I came out, I found her waiting with a jug of warm water to wash my hands
and she poured the water for me, that
touched my heart out of me.

They warmed water for me! A stranger!

My goodness!

You know, as we drove back I thought to
myself that the old man could have been a saint after all.

You know how Jesus washed the
feet of his disciples? What are the odds?
We fell asleep on the wheel, we stopped
at some random and who knows,
dangerous part of the road and napped
and some old man, with a curved face
and a red collar gave me his toilet and
his daughter handed me old newspapers
and warm water to wash my hands.

What is that guys? Isn’t that the hand of
God? I don’t know what the Bible says
but I think this is how Jesus shows his
hand.

We will wait for burning bushes or tall men with white robes or hymns and
harps but that might not be Jesus.

When Jesus shows up he will show up in a
different form and we will miss it
because we will be looking out for
something that we have been
conditioned to believe.

Then I thought about Brenda and that old man and his red collar when I was trying to “centre” myself through Buddhist meditation in the morning.

I’m sure I saw the face of a saint in that misty dawn.

I don’t think I need any more centering or
meditation or even to buy a yoga mat.

I just need to close my eyes and think of a shy girl,Wairimu pouring me the warm water to wash my hands as the old man
pretended not to watch.

That is my centre.

That is stillness residing in my mind!.

The regrets of the “one that got away”

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“The one that got away” is an ex who has an exalted place among your past loves.

They are the one you focus about.

They are the one who floats to the surface of your thoughts when you are trying to sleep, the one you can still picture a future with — in a parallel universe.

You just aren’t sure whether it’s the universe you’re supposed to exist in or whether you belong right here in
reality.

The one that got away isn’t someone with whom you had a terrible, devastating breakup.

They didn’t cheat on you (or vice
versa).

Things simply didn’t work out because you were young and immature, or one of you had to move, or you just had other things you needed to do before you
found this kind of love.

The point is that things never ran their natural course.

You never really found out that you two could never work out. It just ended, for
circumstances other than falling out of
love.

This ex was a good person, your breakup
didn’t change your opinion about this.

They are someone who deserves love in
their lives, someone another person would be lucky to be with.

They had things they needed to work on, but then again, so did you.

You’re both good people, but maybe
you just weren’t good enough for each
other at the time.

The way to spot “the one that got away” is to think of the ex that makes you hopeful about what your future love life can be like, rather than making you upset or pessimistic about human nature.

You know your ex —this ex — will always be the one that got away because things will always be unresolved.

You still respect them too much to let your breakup tarnish your opinion of
them.

You know the person you end up with is going to have to do better — the one
that got away always raises the bar on what love can really be like.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

•One man’s story…..

I catch your scent sometimes.

In crowded places where the air gets thick and people rush past but their clouds hang frozen in the air.

And there you were, in the most
vivid of memories, from that one whiff, I
could feel the soft of your skin, see the
creases of your eyes, hear the heartiness of your laugh.

I used to lie awake while you slept.

I used to delicately touch your face and endless wonder what cosmic alignments brought you into my broken life.

I used to be devoured by my fears of not being enough for someone so charismatic, so vibrant, so endlessly charming that much of my days were spent swimming in dark waters of
anxious insecurities.

I tried to hide the tenderness.

The eternal flame of powerful emotions that ripped through me whenever I thought of you, but they burned ever brighter by the day.

I felt sick when I exposed too much, when my mouth kept talking about how lovely and perfect you were when all I wanted to do was have the self-control to say nothing.

Be cool, be aloof, the one who cares the least holds the power.

But I lost all reason when I met you.

I descended into a place where I couldn’t think, I could only feel, and I wanted to feel you every second.

You saddened and frustrated me.

You spoke of love like it was a tangible thing you could study and know.

I wanted you to get lost in your own heart, to jump into the unknown and unleash your truest, most hidden self
to only me.

But you remained guarded.

I confused your lust and passion for my body as a connection to my mind and soul.

I fell so fast and so deep that other parts of my life ceased to matter.

I was convinced you had more depth than you wanted me to know about, that if I got close enough to the farthest centre of your soul, I could break you open and you would become equally overcome with love for me.

You fell away.

Or maybe I pushed you with my impatience, with my intensity, with my
endless need to be equally enthralled with each other.

I woke up at the bottom of the rabbit hole, more broken than before.

Being with you stopped filling me with excitement and anticipation and instead was replaced with only disappointments, in you and in myself.

Maybe I had misjudged you, that
what you presented to me was always all
there would ever be.

Or maybe it was, simply that, I wasn’t the one for you and you weren’t the one for me and we ran together for as long as we could until life faded us out.

And though I know that I will never be able to explain how quick and furiously I became smitten with you or why you never made the trip to that place for me,

I will always wonder if you remember my perfume.

If the scent of it on another reminds you just as vividly of those moments together, when everything was brilliant and full of possibility.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

•One girl’s story….

It’s been a long time.

You knew him right before you moved on
from something important.

You didn’t want to end that stage in your life, but you were graduating or you got a new job and it had to be over.

You had to go.

Your friends were moving on too maybe, but you didn’t think they felt the loss as acutely as you did.

You’re the kind of person who chops your
life into distinct stages in your mind.

It’s lonely being like that.

You’ve always felt like a fragmented person with a million free- floating pieces.

Just a few of them matched anyone else’s.

Until you met him.

He seemed nothing like you at first.

But something about the look on his face –those little expressions he made that he
thought no one else noticed – said he was your person. He asked you to take it easy.

You talked casually.

Neither of you are casual talkers.

One of you would speak and the other would pause to think before saying
the next thing.

Those pauses were loaded and both of you were nervous and it felt like forever had passed between one word and
the next.

But it always turned out to have been just the right thing to say.

You tumbled into bed like you’d fall into a good book or something: so natural that you didn’t even notice the progression.

You talk about the people you see.

You make him laugh.

His thoughts are as catty as yours and it makes you feel great.

Every night he lies on his back in your room and you swing one leg over him, tracing his face with the tip of your finger as he tilts his head to your hand so you can memorize him more.

He has distinctive marks on his body, like a light scar under his eyebrow.

He likes when you play with it.

No one else ever noticed that about me, he says.

He’s patient in bed.

You tell him how to touch you and you can see his brow furrow as he tries to get it just right.

He’s amazing, because he tries so hard.

He confides in you.

He always acts like it isn’t a big deal but
you know it is.

Your days and nights are on two separate planes.

He doesn’t overlap with the rest of your life. But your soul; your gut; your very essence – the two of you are linked.

And it feels like that’s the only thing in the world that matters.

You’re still wondering what happened.

The most important parts of you were closer than anything.

But the most relevant parts weren’t.

He was the right person at the wrong time.

Or maybe, you think, before you push that thought away, the wrong person at the right time.

He came along when you were just about to break and you’d still be feeling that damage now if he hadn’t been around to protect you.

It can’t be fate that makes connections like that happen.

It feels like more of a mathematical
formula.

And in the end it just didn’t add up.

On your last night together you plead with him not to forget you. “You’re not a
forgettable person,” he says, and he kisses you long and hard because he really means it.

He says goodbye the way he knows you
want to remember it before he closes your door.

You sit down, touch your lips, and let
yourself re-feel everything that happened from beginning to end.

We like to think our lives are linear.

That everything you do accumulates into a better decision-making process that will get you the person you’ve really wanted all along.

But what if it isn’t?

What if he’ll always be the person you’ll have had the most piercing feelings for?

What if those few months outweigh the rest of your relationships for the rest of your life?

Maybe what you want the most and what’s best for you really aren’t the same thing. (And if that goes for you, of course, it goes for him as well. You feel smug. You don’t want to be smug though, because you really do want the best for him. Really.)

You tell yourself you lost nothing really.

You two had what you had and it will always be happening on a loop in some corner of the universe.

Or maybe just a corner of your mind.

Maybe you like the feeling of doomed
love.

You relish that bittersweet piece of your past that casts a golden shadow over
the rest of your forward-thinking life.

Or maybe you just see him on Facebook
and wonder what would happen if you ever got to see him again.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

These two stories tell of people who deserved to be in our lives forever,but the pettiness of our value system chose to let them go out of our lives!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A time to mend fences…life’s too short

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Last Saturday,I was interrupted by a hammering sound coming from my neighbours house,next door.

I stood up, walked over to the window and noticed my next-door neighbour replacing a small section of his white picketed fence.

The fence had been damaged the previous week.

As I stood there watching him take down the damaged section and replace it with a new fence; I wished the problems
in life could be fixed so easily.

My mind drifted back to the now broken relationship I had with someone I once cherished in my past.

I continued to watch my neighbour as he
methodically replaced the damaged section of fence.

The first thing he did was to recognise that the fence had a problem; it was damaged.

Then he had to remove the damaged portion of the fence.

Next, he nailed the new fence into place, and the last thing he did was paint the fence.

After he had finished the process, you could not tell that the fence had been damaged. It looked brand new.

I turned away from the window, and sat back down on the couch.

It suddenly occurred to me that I had a damaged fence in my own life, and it
was up to me to repair it.

But it was already too late for that; death of this particular person had long closed the door of reconciliation.

And it finally dawned on me: life is just too short-the time to mend all the broken fences in our life is RIGHT NOW!
This is a fence that will never be mend.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Avoid strife in your life; never take it personal

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Strife is a very destructive force in your life.

It can creep into relationships by starting small, maybe through a comment or a mean look from someone, and can then escalate into something much bigger.

But when you choose to cease from strife and overlook an offense, you are acting honourably towards yourself and others too .

But how do you avoid strife? Love for yourself gives you confidence from insecurities that contibute to strife in your life.

It means that you give people the benefit of the doubt.

Their mean reactions towards you don’t shake the foundations of security you have already built by loving your life.

You consider what they may be going through instead of focusing on how they reacted to you.

Maybe someone was short with you at the office, but they may have a loved one in the hospital.

Instead of getting upset, walk in the road of universal love—be patient and kind to them.

Look for ways to walk in peace with the people in your life and put an end to strife!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Cultivate and nurture gratitude in your life

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Gratitude is strongly and consistently
associated with greater happiness.

In a distressful moment, it’s hard to see positive forces when obstacles are blaring and fears are looming.
But this is also the good time to be grateful for all the other good things going on in your life.

Not grateful for what has distressed us, but appreciating what doesn’t.

Gratitude helps us see our situation in a way that can lessen panic, and could open up our thinking to new solutions.

The main thing is, people aren’t hardwired to be grateful.

And, like any skill worth having,
gratitude requires practice.

There are three stage involved in practising gratitude : recognising what we’re grateful for, acknowledging it, and
appreciating it. Very simple, right?

And the benefits of practising gratitude can be life-altering.

Gratitude puts all situations,both awesome and awkward, into perspective.
When we can see the good as well as the
bad, it becomes more difficult to complain and stay distressed.

Gratitude helps us realize what we have.

This can lessen our need for wanting
more, all the time.

Gratitude strengthens relationships, improves health, reduces stress, and,
in general, makes us happier

Here are some guideline leading questions that will help us to cultivate daily gratitude in our lives:

• What’s one kind or thoughtful thing
someone did for you recently?

• Who is always there for you, and how do you feel about them?

•Who has helped you become the person
you are today, and what’s the top thing
you’d thank them for?

•Who’s that someone who always really listens when you talk, and how does that affect you?

•How have your spiritual beliefs or
practices fulfilled you recently?

•What’s the best thing that happened
today so far?

•What’s something that inspired or
touched you recently?

•Has anyone done anything recently
that made your job easier?

•What’s one thing you enjoyed about
doing your job recently?

•Can you think of any non-physical gifts
you’ve received recently—someone’s time, attention, understanding, or support?

•What about today has been better than
yesterday?

•Who have you enjoyed being around
recently, and why?

•How have you used your talents and
abilities recently, and what have you
enjoyed about doing that?

•What have you learned recently that will help you in the future?

•What made you laugh or smile today?

•What’s the last song you heard that you
enjoyed? How did it make you feel, and
why?

•Have you experienced any blessings in
disguise lately—things that didn’t turn out as you’d hoped and yet turned out for the best?

•What’s the weather like today, and
what’s one good thing about that?

•How has technology enhanced your life
and your connections recently?

•Have you had an opportunity to help
someone recently, and how did you feel
about that?

•What’s one thing you experienced
recently that made you feel a sense of
wonder or awe?

•What’s the best thing about your home,
and have you taken time to enjoy it
recently?

•If you didn’t get what you wanted today,
can you identify something in what you got that’s worth having?

•What’s improved about your life from
this time last year?

•What choices have you made in the last
five years that you’d thank yourself for
making?

•What’s something you did well recently,
and what qualities or skills enabled you to do this?

•Who made a positive difference in your
life recently?

•What’s something you’re looking
forward to in the future?

•What did you learn from the most
difficult part of your day yesterday, and how will this lesson benefit you going forward?

•What’s something you witnessed
recently that reminded you that life is good?

•What’s something you witnessed
recently that reminded you that people are
good?

•How many of your basic needs do you
not need to worry about meeting today?

•What event or interaction made you feel
good about yourself recently?

•How have you made personal or
professional progress lately?

•What simple pleasures did you enjoy—
or can you enjoy—today?

•What modern conveniences (i.e.:
electronics and appliances) do you enjoy
that make your life easier?

•What’s the most beautiful thing you saw
today that made you glad to be alive and to see it?

•What’s something enjoyable you get to
experience every day that you’ve come to take for granted?

•What are three things your arms or legs
allow you to do that you enjoy?

•What’s the kindest thing someone has
done for you lately?

•How do your friends and/or family
members show they care about you?

•What’s the last thing you enjoyed with
your senses—a good meal, a song you love, or aromatherapy—and how amazing is it that you were able to experience that?

•What movie, book, blog, or article
affected your life for the better recently?

•What have you seen in nature recently
that made you feel happy, peaceful, or free?

•How has modern medicine improved
your life, recently or overall?

•How does electricity simplify and
improve your life—and can you imagine
what life would like be like without it?

•What’s your favorite thing about your
bed, and how often does it enable you to
get restful sleep?

•What’s something you have easy access
to that always improves your mood, and
how has it improved your life?

•Who in your life has survived something
difficult, and how do you feel when you
think about the fact that they’re still here?
•Have you recently imagined a worst-
case scenario that didn’t actually happen?

This last one is always crucial for me.

Not only does this help me appreciate things that turned out better than I’d anticipated, but it also reminds me how often this happens—if only I’m willing to act.

Go on and have a grateful day.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

When no other woman could find anything to love in me…..

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When no other woman,
Could find anything to love,
In a plain faced man like,
It is me you chose to give your love to.

Whenever I lose my way,
Around the maze that is life,
I know just what to do,
When i can’t seem to think what to say,
I come running right to you;
You always seem ready to lend me a helping hand,
Somehow, you always seem to understand me.

Whenever I lose my way,
You make things a whole lot better,
When I can’t seem to stand on my feet,
I know just where to go,
When i can’t seem to make ends meet,
I know you’ll always know what to do;
You only say the words that need to be said,
You never tell me that I’m out of my head,
When I lose my way.

When I’ve lost all sense of time,
And I can’t seem to make the words make sense of my thoughts,
When I’ve lost all direction,
And I can’t find the answers to the questions in my life,
I know just what to do,
When I can’t seem to think what to say,
I come running right to you;
You always seem to say the things i need to hear,
Somehow you always chase away all of my fears,
And make things a whole lot better.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Too many foolish things still remind me of you…

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We almost made it,
I almost called you mine,
And you almost called me yours.
We almost had it all,you and I.
I think we almost loved each other.

But the only thing I’m sure about,
Is that I wasn’t good enough for you,
So,you walked away from my love.

I still haven’t figured how to forget you;
Too many foolish things still remind me of you.

It’s just amazing what you’ll find,
When you aren’t keen searching;
Those things that once mattered,
But you thought that you had lost them forever,
Like that pair of socks that we searched for the whole morning together,
You and I,
The pair of socks that we thought was lost forever,
Has been sitting pretty in one of my drawers,
And it is sad that it has come back,
To remind me of you.

Hearing that song we used to listen to on the radio,
come on unexpectedly in my playlist,
and feeling like I should text you to tell you that it came on,
even though that’s an objectively silly
thing to text someone over.

What about the sound of people laughing together at a joke you’ll never quite hear, when their sense of closeness radiates outward and you feel like you can catch it for just a minute,
Because that simple magic of people laughing,
Reminds me of you..

Or driving alone on the subway at night and seeing the lights of the gas stations and tunnels pass by one after the other, and being rocked to sleep like a car-ride, when you were a little kid.

Or a really good appetiser dish that’s just too big for one person,
the kind that they normally bring out with two spoons,
so that lovers sitting in dark corner table,
Can spoon it to each other’s lips,
As a seal of their delicious love.

Or waking up to my empty bed at night, and seeing the blankets and pillows
all piled around like there was someone there,
and forgetting just for a second,
that you aren’t there curled up,
and just waiting for me to kiss your sleeping lips.

Or seeing something in a shop window that would fit you just right,
that would be just your style,
but that you would never agree to splurge on for yourself,
Though I was always willing to buy it for you,
As my loving gift offered in love.

Or when something really, really funny happens,
and I immediately turn around to look at you with that “Oh my god, what??” face, even when I know you’re not there.

Or walking through a museum and seeing a painting that I’ve seen in one of magazines that you left behind a
thousand times before,
but which becomes so breathtaking the first time you actually see it in person,
But you are not there to see how pleased I am,
By your taste of arts.

Or seeing a couple leaning into their table at the restaurant to say something quietly,
meeting their hands in the middle right next to their wine glasses,
to run their fingers together in a public display of love.

Or wondering what that couple is saying, how long they have been together,
and if they know how lucky they are to have what they have.

Or locking my eyes with a child for a minute or so,
while their mother is ordering at a counter or paying for her groceries,
and wishing you could say hello to them in a way that they would understand,
That we once planned on having our little cute children.

Or walking through a playground at night, and swinging on the swing set alone, which is somehow just as thrilling,
As when I used to push you in those swings,
With your whole body trembling in the thrill of our love.

Or an old man helping his wife cross the street,
letting her lean on him even though you can tell that walking upright is not easy for him, either
And knowing that we used to hold our hands as we crossed the streets,
For there was safety in that simple loving gesture,
That would have held our love secure forever.

Or when someone says your name across the room, and my mind refuses to understand, for just a minute, that anyone else could have the same name as you.

Or that first sip of tea when it’s still a little too hot,
but it feels good against my lips and hands when it’s so cold outside,
And that reminds me how your love used to keep me warm,
When the whole world around me was freezing cold.

Or the sun shards coming in through the window late on a Sunday morning,
with the little dust fairies floating around in the light, and the sound of
people walking around just outside,
Just the way it used to be,
When we would laze in bed the whole of sunday morning,
Cushioned by the warmth of our sweet love,
And the knowledge that we will not have those cherished moment forever,
When our planned children finally arrived.

To many foolish things still remind me of you…and I have now come to realise,
That although love is always lost, it can never be forgotten….

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Don’t waste your life living in an elusive future

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There is no purpose in getting anywhere if, when you get there, all you do is think about getting to some other future moment.

Life exists in the present, or nowhere at all, and if you cannot grasp that you are simply living a fantasy.

There is nothing like security in this life.

Looking for security,which can also be said to be like “avoiding all risks”, is like jumping off a cliff while holding on to a rock for safety – an absurd illusion.

We must allow ourselves to take all the risks of this life,even though they will always kill a part of us,when we are still living,and allow the killed part to re incarnate into a more useful form for us to move forward in life.

The doctrine of reincarnation can be more accurately thought about as a constant rebirth, of death throughout
life, and the continual coming and going of universal energy, of which we are all part, before and after death.

Destruction is as necessary as creation.

Think about all the rotting and new growth that takes place all the time in a natural forest.

Chaos must exist if we are to know what order is.

Both aspects of reality, in tension with one another, are necessary to keep
the whole game going: the unity of opposites.

Don’t worry about the future,
Or know that worrying is as effective as
trying to solve an algebra equation by
chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to
be things that never crossed your
worried mind,the kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m. on some idle Saturday afternoon.

But even with all your troubles and victories,don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts.

Don’t put up with people who are
reckless with yours either.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy either.

Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind others in life;the race is long and in the end, it’s only a race against yourself.

Remember compliments you receive,
forget the insults, if you succeed in
doing this, you will tell me how joyful life really turns out to be.

Keep your old love letters,and throw away your old bank statements.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what
you want to do with your life; many of us don’t either.

The most interesting people I know
didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to
do with their lives!

Some of the most interesting 40-year-
olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium in a glass of yoghurt.

Be kind to your knees,and don’t always go down on your knees beging for things you can work for.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t.

Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you
won’t.

Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll
dance the ‘Funky Chicken’
On your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate
yourself too much or berate yourself either.

Your choices are half chance, so are
everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you
can to come alive every day.

Don’t be ashamed of it, or what other people think of it;
It’s the greatest treasure and an instrument of all joys you’ll ever
have.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it
but your own living room.

Read the directions to your destiny, even if you don’t intend to follow them.
Do not read every beauty magazine you can lay your hands on; it will
only make you feel ugy.

Understand that friends come and go,but a precious few, who should hold on,give them your all!

Work hard to bridge the gaps in
geography and lifestyle,for as the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young

Live in a City sometime, but leave
before it makes you hard.

Live in deep in the countryside sometime, but leave before it makes you soft.

Accept certain inalienable truths;
Prices will rise, politicians will philander,
you, too, will get old,and when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young,prices were reasonable, politicians were noble.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you;
maybe you have a trust fund, maybe
you’ll have a wealthy spouse,but you never know when either one
might run out on you.

Don’t mess too much with your hair,or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy but be
patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing
it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal pit of time goneby, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts,and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

Above all else,cherish your present,it is the only real time you own,just this moment.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Happiness is what babies see when they look in the mirror

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Doesn’t it feel great when people like you?

Each one of us feels that we would be truly happy if everybody loved us.

But do we love ourselves first and foremost?

Everyone wants to be happy, but not many people contemplate whether or not they really are.

Some of us feel too privileged in many other areas of life to not be happy, while others don’t want to face the possibility that we might not be.

In the much acknowledged absence of any straight forward formula of determining what is true happiness, I have pinned down nine truths about happiness to help you think a little more deeply about what it really means to be happy.

• It isn’t a feeling; it’s a relationship to
life.

To be human means that we experience a range of emotions.

If you were to look at a graphical grid illustrating the levels of happiness across life and see a line in the shape of a wave, it would be an accurate representation of the human experience.

We shouldn’t be operating as an even,
straight line.

That’s what I’d call a robot or someone who is numbed out from full experience of life.

Human beings experience emotions in
response to life’s circumstances.

That means sometimes you’re going to feel happy, sad, and all the other emotions in between.

Embrace this holistic experience as the baseline of true happiness.

True happiness is not a continuous state of life; it’s the way we relate to our lives such that, If we’re rooted in unconditional love for ourselves, the world around us transforms into a happy one.

We have the ability to express gratitude for all experiences in life as a total sum that forms the foundation of our true happiness.

This way,we are able to sit with difficult emotions without denying ourselves self-love.

We’re able to relate with ourselves and with the world in a way that shapes our overall perception of our lives to one of love and gratitude.

This is the path to happiness.

• It requires a willingness to know the
truth.

I once felt guilty for not being happy in spite of all good things that happen in my life.

I felt like I had no right not to be happy amidst a life of abundance.

Relatively, I had so much more than so many other people on this planet.

Yet,happiness eluded me most of the time.

And then I woke up the truth that I was, in fact, not happy, and to deny that didn’t change the truth.

I realised that my relationship to myself was the source of my unhappiness.

I lived under the illusion that I loved myself by avoiding contemplating whether or not I truthfully did.

I was able to see that I couldn’t actually be happy until I learned to love myself as I am.

We have to wake up to our own underlying simple truths that keep us one step away from true happiness.

Any lies that you keep telling to yourself
holds you back from true happiness.

• You have to be willing to feel pain.

True happiness isn’t the expression of
happy chemicals floating through our
brains all the time to create a private utopia in our thoughts and surreal perception of life.

True happiness comes from the
willingness to face ourselves for who we trully are.

Only through some of my most painful experiences have I come to live in true happiness.

When I was willing to sit in the despair of
my lost love, when I was willing to face the truth that I had become numb from feeling of self-love, and when I did the difficult work of healing ,I came out the other side that is happiness.

In other words,I had to wallow through the mud of life to cross to the happy side of life without feeling that all was lost in this journey.

Sometimes I felt lighter, but always with a deeper understanding of who I am.

• It has nothing to do with whether or
not people like you.

It’s like the high school experience I always dreamed of,being everybody’s favourite boy,and then I would be happy always.

Of course,that didn’t happen….that’s not what is meant to happen either,in real life.

As I got older and more comfortable with myself, I seemed to attract amazing people into my life more effortlessly.

I loved them and they loved me without the undue pressure of having to impress them.

And then someone nasty slipped through the cracks, and I experienced someone not liking me again. It stings, right?

No one likes not being liked. But it also
wasn’t my problem. It was more of their problem than mine.

As long as you’re good with who you are
deep down and as long as you’re facing
yourself each day, it’s not your problem if
someone else doesn’t like you.

It’s their problem, because more often than not people are reflecting their relationship to themselves.

When someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t threaten your happiness.

Your happiness is yours.

It is rooted deep within your self-love.

It’s your relationship to yourself and
your own life that matters most.

What another person thinks about you can sting, but it doesn’t have to
change how you feel about yourself.

• It’s not what most people are pretending to be.

Comparing yourself to anyone else is not
only futile but also irrelevant.

Your concern should be to uncover your own truth and live according to that.

When you try to be like someone else, you are trying to live according to what you think it means to be happy like them.
And the unfortunate truth is that most people are pretending to be happy.

They may gloat about their successes or
perceived achievements.

But true happiness is a vibration that is undeniable and needs no proving.

• You can’t look for it anywhere outside
of yourself.

You will never find true happiness if you
take out a flashlight and start searching outside yourself for it.

There is not one single thing outside of
ourselves this will cultivate true happiness.

Nothing.

Not another human being whether it be a partner, parent, or your own child.

The only place true happiness can emerge from is through the self.

We can experience moments of joy and bliss in relationship to other human beings, but true happiness is a result of your connection to your own truth.

Once you’ve awakened to that, all of your
relationships will be more vibrant.

• It’s what babies see when they look in
the mirror.

Years ago, I remember a three year old looking at herself in the mirror.

When I asked her if she thought she was beautiful, her eyes lit up as she looked at herself, and without a doubt, without hesitation, she said yes with a hefty outburst of genuine laughter and happiness.

Children are not yet tainted by the
judgments of our world.

They see that beauty is not physical, that it’s an essence.

They look at themselves without judgment of either themselves,or others.

It’s the same relationship to self we now
have to cultivate.

We have to learn to let go of the judgments of others in order to see
the truth of who we are: that we are, in fact, that same beautiful baby.

•You can’t buy it, drink it, or recycle it.

True happiness is not a book you can read, lipstick or hat you can wear, or an act you can do.

It’s almost ineffable.

It’s most definitely not any of the things our culture has attempted to brainwash us into believing it is.

It’s something you have to discover for
yourself.

It’s something you have to be willing to work hard to uncover.

A good place to start would be to let go of all of the ideas that things and ideas are what will bring you to true happiness.

• True happiness reveals itself through
love.

In our moments of great deliberation, we
have two choices: love or fear.

Love is not often the easy choice.

Love can challenge us.

It can make us feel uneasy and vulnerable.

Love can actually elicit deep pain.

Fear is the easy escape route.

It’s the choice to express anger instead of vulnerability.

It’s the choice to hide instead of face the pain.

It’s the decision to push someone away
instead of embracing them.

True happiness will always be pushed at arm’s lenght when you choose fear.

Choosing love for oneself and others, especially when it’s difficult, is the path to accessing true happiness.

True happiness is an unwavering
connection to your own truth.

It’s is a connection to the soul, to the deepest part of ourselves that screams out for us to listen.

You always have the choice to align yourself with it because your soul is always communicating with you through your conscience.

It’s even happening now as you read this.
Are you listening?

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

This is the way love dances

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In the cool stillness of the evening,
Without sunlight to intrude,
I see the twilight’s spark in her eyes,
As the moon sets up the mood,
Music playing soft and low,
While romance fills the air,
I can’t help but feel the heat that kisses all my senses.

The very moment she comes near me,
With a teasing dance that mimics the embrace of lovers,
While a single candle casts a magical light to highlight her feminine curves,
And the smell of sweet perfume,
Seems to drive my captured soul insane,
I draw close to look into her eyes,
And run my fingers through her electrified hair.

I taste the sweetness of her neck,
As I nibble at her ear,
And wish to whisper words of love,
That remain unsaid,
As she sighs with an unsaid reply,
And in a very sensual way,
Her sweet body comes alive,
To light the heat of my desire.

In a silent ritual,
we slowly come to a state of undress,
As I to lay her down gently,
And she welcomes my caresses,
With her luscious sexy curves,
And my tongue roams into the most sacred territory,
It is a taste I can’t resist.

She gives me so much pleasure,
Ecstasy explodes through the pores of my skin,
From a dance that started with one,
But the other just couldn’t sit still and watch;
This is the way love dances,
To inspire this love that we aspire,
For only love can fill this joy,
That becomes the dance of our desire.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Even good people are not meant to be in your life forever; only their memories probably are!

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When people come into your life, it is hard to dissociate from the shared moments and move on.

Oftentimes,and this is the reality of life, we find ourselves forced to leave people whom our lives once revolved around behind.

Your mind will always carry memories of the sights, the sounds and the experiences you shared.

But, sometimes people change; sometimes we move on and oftentimes, we simply grow.

As days turn into months and months into
years, it is still difficult to understand how
to detach yourself from the people of your past and to accept the reality that they will no longer be part of your present.

People who made up such a large part of
your life at one point (ex-boy/girlfriends, teachers, old roommates, friends, etc.) are not always meant to be in your life forever.

Sometimes, those people come into your
life for a brief moment in time — however brief — and then, they are gone.

And in a moment, the people in whom you invested on with your life turn into mere pictures stored somewhere
in the back of your mind.

The moments you shared meant something — and they may still mean something,if only by their memories.

You are subject to an internal battle to understand how the people you once valued are no longer of importance to you in your daily life.

In a way, those people in your past became your bigger family and you probably find yourself struggling to let them go.

They gave you advice when you needed guidance.

They gave you hugs when you felt alone.

They gave you unique experiences that defined a stage of your life.

Most of all, however, these people gave you a sense of comfort in the unfamiliar and unpredictable journey that we call life.

And during those unusual times when you return back to those people and those places, you realise that your connection to that city, to those people and to those memories still holds strong.

While you may have left and may have a new life completely unlike your past, those connections do not dissipate.

Just because you left a place or left people, it does not mean that those memories somehow become void.

And when you return to that place from your past, you are reminded of the friends you made, the people you knew and the moments you shared.

All of these things suddenly become fresh in your mind,sometimes in form of painful or happy memories.

It is in these instances when you’ll realise either their importance, or the evidence of the scars they left behind in your life.

It is still difficult to look back, knowing that your current life does not quite leave room for everyone in your past.

And while you’re not sure it will ever get easier, when you know that people you once considered to be family are continuing to live a life separate from yours, it is comforting to know that at any point, you can stop and remember the experiences you shared together.

As we grow, we realise that all people are
not permanent fixtures in our lives, that
they can be fleeting fixtures of happiness, love,comfort or even pain.

It is a difficult concept to grasp that people we consider to be staples that hold our life together in this present moment may not be here for us
tomorrow.

But, we must learn to accept the
idea that whether it be a lover, a coworker or a friend, his or her place in our lives may not always be meant to last forever.

When we begin to understand that
relationships are not always meant to last, we can also have a deeper appreciation for the experiences we share with people while they are in our lives.

Though it may sadden you to consider the end of a relationship, you can begin to appreciate the people in your life for the sheer reason that they exist in your present.

People come and go, but memories last forever.

The lessons people teach us and the
hardships they help us navigate,or the pain they cause to us, are never forgotten.

These memories become permanent parts of us and continue to shape who we become.

Just because a relationship does not last does not mean that it is insignificant in any way.

It is not the amount of time these relationships last that is important, but instead, it is the ability to remember them.

Once we can accept the realisation that
relationships are fleeting, our lives will be
filled with vast moments of appreciation.

Appreciation for each relationship in its
entirety and the uniqueness of the
moments that you share together —
appreciation for the present.

Leaving people behind is never easy — it
never feels right to move on to the next
chapter.

But, as life continues onward, so do we, and just because we leave people, it does not mean we must forget the times
we shared.

It does not mean that all those things must be lost in some unknown abyss.

All we can ask is to remember and
that those whom we once loved remember us, too.

And those who caused pain to us,no longer have any power over our life anymore.

It is in the character of life to move-on,both from good and bad experiences in our life,such that,we are forever growing into new forms everyday that need not be always tied to our past.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

The mind is a beautiful place to be…

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The mind is a beautiful place
to be,
if you don’t mind some people dying around you all the time,
or maybe,even starving some of the time,
Senseless wars being fought for no good cause,
Hearts being broken for a pennyworth of false love,
Kids being born without fathers they can call their own,
which isn’t half bad if it isn’t you;
Yes,the mind is beautiful place to be,
If you can find peace in the swirling chaos that is this world.

The mind is a beautiful place to be,
A never ending universe,
where beautiful memories create memories within themselves,
With the complexity of it’s function, that makes it even more enticing.

The mind is a beautiful place
to be,
if you don’t mind a touch of hell now and then,
just when you think everything is fine,
because even in paradise they don’t sing jolly songs all the time;
Yes,the mind is a beautiful place to be,
When you don’t lose your sense of wonder.

The mind is a beautiful place to be,
When no matter what they tell you,
You know you don’t have to walk the line,
‘Cause the thing about people who don’t mean what they say,
Is that they think everyone else believes them,
Even when they don’t believe in themselves.

The mind is a beautiful place to be,
Because even when you leave a
beautiful place,
you carry it with you wherever you go.
Yes,the mind is a beautiful place to be,
Because I have the same feeling
when I walk in a very beautiful place, that I am going to own it in my mind for a lifetime.

The mind is a beautiful place to be,
Because people don’t want to go
to the garbage dump and have a picnic, they want to go out to a beautiful place
and enjoy their day,
And so I think that,
in a world full of despair and despondency,
Our beautiful mind is the only place we can go,
And partake a picnic of life in peace and health;
Yes,the mind is a beautiful place to be,
Because it has not been touched by garbage that is our everyday life.

I don’t want to be in some big beautiful place
that nobody wants me,
But I feel loved,safe and secure,
As I roam the beautiful valleys and plains,
That form the magical landscape of my mind
;
And yes-walking through the peaceful countryside of my mind seeking happiness,
I have come across many others running in the opposite direction,
To seek happiness outside their minds,
In this noisy world suffused in total chaos!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

To my Ex-girlfriend,Toni: I miss your sweet scent in my life again!

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To Toni(Antoniella),

Many years have passed now, since I last saw you-many,many years ago!
My friends,those who were once our mutual friends,tell me about you once in a while when we meet.
But that is not the point I want to dwell in, in this long post.
My dear Toni,I just want to let you know that I have learnt my lesson.

I have tried many women in my life; none compares to what we had,you and I.

Ours was a communion of souls.

Our love was love full of innocence,long before our young bodies were stolen away by bodily lusts!

What came after you left me was just lust.

It was always your heart that I always wanted to win,but with many other girls who came after you,well,it was their bodies that I always wanted!

Toni,my dear,I was a boy then,on those days. But Toni, please, I’m a man now,
and losing you was the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life.

There are things you do that you later learn to regret, that flummox you,
unimaginable things that make you pause and reconsider who you really
are now, and what you were capable
of in those early years of your foolish past.

That’s what I realise now,my dear Toni,unfortunately,many years too late!

I’m an old man now.

I have been in and out of marriage,after you left.

Looking back,I can’t say I have truly fallen in love ever since you left my life,but I have lied to myself that I have loved other women,and I have lied to myself too,that they have loved me…

I learned a lot when I moved away from you.

I learned that I don’t even really like drinking all that much.

I learned that not everyone in the world thinks it’s cool to meet and sleep with random women.

I learned that holding someone you care about is more satisfying than the Ice Bucket Challenge in a hot desert.

I learned that leaving your dishes in the sink with ketchup on them makes doing the dishes a thousand times harder the next day,though you never complained when I used to do exactly that.

I realised how much I missed your sweet scent after you visited me in my house.

That scent… It’s faded from my life–and
it’s starting to fade away from my memory.

I fear for the day it truly does fade away completely from my life!

I learned how to embrace change.

I learned what being a man really is.

I learned. who I am now,and i hate who I have been in the past.

And most of all, I learned that you were always the best girl for me,my first love,the best thing that ever happened to me.

So let me say this; It doesn’t matter if
you’re 16 as you were when I first met you, or 96 now-my love for you is still as fresh as it were,those many years ago!

Don’t run away from my love because you’re afraid of all those mistakes I made,many years ago; I wish I hadn’t.

God, I wish I hadn’t,’cause you would still be here with me as I ride through the sunset of my years,alone.

So, Toni, if you ever read this, I miss you more than you will ever know.

I beg of you to share this message with other people who are in your life now, so that people don’t make the same dumb mistakes I made.

And maybe one day, Toni,you will come
across this post, and decide to say one more word to me,before I lie down for my eternal rest.

Maybe, if enough people read this and
share it to all their friends, maybe, you will be one of their friends,and you will come to see me in
person,just before I die .

Maybe we can go on another date,like the first date we had,you and I, and
I can spend the rest of my life making up for the way I treated you.

And I will have sheer probability to thank ,for bringing you back into my life,one more time.

I’m dying,my dear Toni,but this physical pain that I suffer everyday in my deathbed is not as bad as the pain I suffer,knowing that I won’t see you one more time,before my eyelids close forever in repose of death.

Pain is but a feeling,and this feeling will pass in time,as time passes away forever in my life,but I miss you, Toni.

And that’s a debt I’d like to pay back to you,before the end of my days!

Oooh,and these painful memories that now flood through my restless soul…running like a stuck loop of a tragic movie….!

Tony,you were my girlfriend, but now
we are forever separated.

We had broken up a dozen or more times during our early years together, and I’m finally strong in my spirit to want you back,and this time,dear Toni,it will be forever,because forever now stands at my doorstep,waiting to carry me into eternity.

Dont get me wrong, i still have feelings for you.

But those feelings just aren’t strong enough to sustain a healthy physical relationship.

My body is now almost done with all the burdens of this world,but my spirit wants to carry away a piece of your good soul with me to my new celestial home.

You and me are no more.

Both of us have remained single for all this time-Oh God,why didn’t we stick together for each other!, scares
me in these last days of my life.

But i know it is for the best, i swear it was
for the best.

There may be absolutely no part of you that even vaguely agrees with me, but i know I’m right. I know it is for the
best.

You can make no argument that will
change my mind about that single conviction in my now weak and feeble mind.

So just hear me out.

Read this post over and over again and
understand it.

Live it when I’m gone.

Go back to it every time you are feeling sad.
And know that someone always loved you so much
,that he couldn’t forget you,even on his deathbed!

It’ll help you.

It’ll help me too,to know that I have tried my best to contact you one more time,though my time is fast running out.

God knows we both need this last push of luck to move on,to have a decent closure on our relationship.

Always remember that I’ll still love you no matter what, just not in an intimate way.

You have become like a long lost sister to me.

Your memories help my mind to remain calm and focussed for this last and lonely journey ahead of me in these turbulent moments of my life.

You were ever sweet. Kind. Caring. And hopefully strong enough to handle what you are reading in this post right now.

I hope you are strong enough.

I really do. This relationship has taught me a lot about the ever enduring power of love, and no matter what anyone else says, I’ll always know that to be true,down here on earth,and in the many millions of years that I will live in eternity without end.

I hope it has taught you a lot also.

Someday you will realise what type of a boy was right for you.
But I became that boy long after you had already left my life.
How were you to know,my dear Toni,that every positive change I made in my life,I made it only for you?

I know for a fact that you will not realise what was the best for you anytime soon,not before you read this post.

You are stuck in this mindframe that you’ll never meet anyone else that you like as much as me,after reading this post.

You are wrong,my dear Toni.

Let me repeat that… You’re wrong.

Think about your future, your success, your goals.

You have so much to look forward to in your life.

I swear you do.

And that’s a life I would have liked to share with you,but my life is now time-barred by this terminal illness.

You are so bright.

I know some day, some special man is going to claim you for his own. And
you’ll claim him for your own.

You will love the feeling you have with him.

You will thank me in your mind for letting you go. You will,my dear Toni.

This experience is a good one.

Don’t remember it as a tragedy, which im sure you will,especially if you ever read this post.

Remember it as something that allowed
you to grow in a different direction away from the one I wanted for us both.

Think about it… You are rich now, you have a job, you are a little better at managing your money, you have planned on getting another car soon,… All these
things are so amazing, and they will help
you mature in a different way.

Dont get me wrong, i needed to
mature too. And I did,though you were not there to see these positive changes take place in my life after you left my life.

I owe you an apology for letting this relationship stay afloat for so
long without any proper direction. Too long,my dear Toni.

I knew it wasn’t going to work out for us in the long run, not before I could make any positive change like I have now done in my life, and i selfishly still kept you for myself, even long after you left my life.

I should have
ended it many years ago to set you completely free, and i should
have been serious about it.

Learn from my mistakes in our relationship,and dont dwell on the
negatives.
Take it for what it is, because it is
not going to change,it’s too late in the day for that,no matter how I feel about you in these last days of my life.

This post is not meant
to hurt you, it is meant to inform
you about my never ending love for you,right into the mouth of my grave.

I hope you understand exactly what
I’m saying, and hopefully you can live a
better life with someone who wants to
marry you.

There are plenty of men out
there who are good for you. This is where I now draw the line,my dear Toni.

It is too late to have you back in my life,but I will miss you in this last journey that I must take alone.

I wish you only the best in your life.
Good bye,Toni.

Yours forever,
Bernard.

How old is your soul,my love?

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I have died every day waiting for you
Darling,
don’t be afraid,
for I have loved you for a thousand years,
And I’ll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer;
But my love,please tell me,how old is your soul?
‘Cause I have died every day waiting for you!

How can I love when I’m afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away
somehow,
I can’t stand watching you walk through this life alone.
How old is your soul?
‘Cause I have died every day waiting for you!

Darling, don’t be afraid,
I have loved you for a thousand years,
And I’ll love you for a thousand more,
And all along I believed I would find you;
Time has brought your heart to me,
Along with an old soul that I have sought for a thousand years,
To be my soulmate;
But my love,please tell me,how old is your soul?
‘Cause I have died every day waiting for you!

And now I have you here with me at last,
When I look into your eyes,
It’s like watching the night sky,
Or a beautiful sunrise,
Well, there’s so much they hold,
And just like them old stars,
I see that you’ve come so far,
To be right where you are,
How old is your soul?
‘Cause I have died every day waiting for you!

Well, I will never give up on us,
Even if the skies get rough,
I’m giving you all my love,
I’m still looking up to the sky,
To give thanks for having you in my life,
And when you’re needing your space,
To do some navigating around this wide world,
I’ll be here patiently waiting,
To see what you find,
‘Cause even the stars they burn,
Some even fall to the earth,
We’ve got a lot to learn,
God knows we’re worth it,
And no, I won’t give up,
I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily!

I’m here to stay and make the difference
that I can make,
Our differences, they do a lot to teach us,
how to use the tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake,
And in the end, you’re still my friend;
at least we did intend it for us to work, we didn’t break, we didn’t
burn all through the years of waiting,
We had to learn how to bend without the
world caving in,
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m
not, and who I am,
I won’t give up on us,
Even if the skies get rough,
I’m giving you all my love,
And I’m ready to wait for another thousand years,
Till your loving soul comes back to me;
How old is your soul?
‘Cause I have died every day waiting for you!

God knows I’m tough enough,
I am tough,and I am loved,
We’ve got a lot to learn,
That a thousand years is a long wait,
But it is worth the price of our love,
We’re alive, and we are loved,
God knows we’re worth it all,
For another thousand years;
How old is your soul?
‘Cause I have died every day waiting for you!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

An Oasis for a thirsty soul

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Have you ever walked through the deserts of life,
And then found an oasis of love to quench a lifetime of thirst?
Have you ever drank from its eternal
waters?
Walked through deserts, but found it is the only oasis with a pure drink,
Have you seen its miracles in your soul,
Witness pains disappear to far away places?

Have you ever allowed it to wash away doubts and fears?
Known the forgiveness that comes from its strength,
Seen its gentleness melt like the sun into the surface of the sea,
Or observed its wisdom as close as arm’s
length?
Have you ever drank from this purest
fountain?
A gentle brook from a mountain high above?

Have you ever bathed in its healing waters?
The waters from the fountain of true Love?
Without it, to a colourless life you’re
doomed,
Will you not seek a paradise, there in Love’s Oasis?
Earthly demands, tormenting, there await respite in the Oasis of love,
Envisioning fields of flowers bright in bloom,
In your loneliness, does Heaven truly exist?
Except in the Oasis of love?

For nothing is as complete in loveliness,
As one pure soul with Love for another!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Beautiful lessons on love learnt from burning garbage in my compound

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Recently, while burning garbage in my
compound, I found myself thinking about love; the fire of love to be precise.

From starting it, to ensuring that all the accompanying garbage burns, without touching anything else in the compound
that can start an uncontrollable inferno.

From that mundane experience, I learned lessons that I thought would be valuable to our relationships.

•Starting the fire:

I gathered some dry twigs and
some papers, created a small space under them and struck a match.

There was some smoke at first, a small
fire and then huge flames begin to lick at the garbage.

LESSON ONE LEARNT: Lighting a fire is easy if the conditions are good and you do everything right.

The weather conditions were just right—hot and calm with a gentle wind blowing.

If you have been struggling to start a love fire, chances are that something isn’t quite in place.

Mind you, I am not saying that what you feel for your partner should be perfect, or that you should not have self-doubts about your partner.

However, the nature of love is such that once the conditions are conducive; it
quickly ignites and burns away.

•Burning deep:

I had a long pole with which I kept poking at the fire, forcing up to the surface stuff that is buried under layers of garbage.

That is where the fire is, and the idea is to ensure that every bit of garbage in that pit is burned, not just what is on the surface.

LESSON TWO LEARNT: Though starting a fire might be easy, for a relationship to be fulfilling, love must burn deep.

For this to happen, you need to engage the mental gear of love, the one that
over-rides the temptation to bask perpetually in the glory of shallow passion.

Instead, it demands effort in the form of
commitment, responsibility and self-disclosure, as well as exposure.

In this way, love grows to the extent that even when the fire is not visible to
others, we know it is there, burning deep.

•Fire control:

“Fire is a good servant but a bad master”, goes a well-known saying.

That is true because in fact, my energies at the garbage pit were divided almost equally between ensuring the fire burns deep on the one hand and on the other, ensuring it did not burn beyond a certain limit that would set other things in my compound on fire.

LESSON THREE LEARNT: Love is a fire that if left unchecked, can do more harm than good.

You might say that is ridiculous because our responsibility should be to keep love burning, not controlling it.

That might be the case for many, especially after being together for a while and have formed stable relationships.

But think, for example, about the young college students who give up everything: family, friends and studies
once they fall in love.

They are totally consumed with each other for a semester, sometimes a year.

But by the time they come around to reality of life, they discover that in the heat of passion, everything else went up in smoke; their dreams, their health and very, very often, and unfortunately so, their sanity,reputation and life.

I have been there, so I am drawing from facts.

THE ULTIMATE LESSON LEARNT

Be there!

To light a fire, to ensure it burns deep and to control it demands this one thing: your total presence, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Where physical presence is not possible, couples should have a constant,
deliberately planned communication schedule.

Love is not a hit and run affair and cannot be remote controlled.

It is only by being continually present that lovers will know whether there is a fire in their relationship, how deep it is burning, and whether it is burning out of control.

And sometimes,when the fire has burnt itself out to ashes,you just leave it! You can’t start a fire from dead ashes of a broken heart…

At other times,when it threatens to burn out of control,you have to douse the flames with water!

Love is fire that should be warm enough to keep away the cold,not too hot to threaten your very existence.

And if the fire of love ever burns out of control,threatening to burn your car,your house,your designer suits,your very important documents,or your body by dousing it with petrol in the evil crimes of passion, jealousy and revenge from jilted lovers,run for your dear life,my friend!

I have had too many women!

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Driving home this evening,
I could have sworn we had it all worked out,
Then I heard it on the street;
I heard you might have found somebody new,
Well who is he baby?
And tell me what he means to you.

I took it all for granted,
But how was I to know,
That you would be letting go of me so soon?
Now,that cuts like a knife,
But believe me, fresh love still feels so right!

There’s times I’ve been mistaken,
There are times I thought I’d been
misunderstood,
So wait a minute darling,
Can’t you see we did the best we could?
This wouldn’t be the first time,
Things have gone astray,
Now you’ve thrown it all away
Now,that cuts like a knife,
But believe me, fresh love still feels so right!

Looking back to when I was young and
free,
And I owned my life,
and no one owned me,
Someone asked if I could give her a
my heart,
When I said, “Yes,” I made my first
mistake,
Yes, she got her love at last, and so did I,
Then, she broke my heart for another guy,
Oh, I had dreams, you see and I had
plans,
But I traded them for some romance!
Now,that cuts like a knife,
But believe me, fresh love still feels so right!

Look at what I’m facing now,
Another heartbreak is on the way,
just because of chasing
Too many women
Now,that cuts like a knife,
But believe me, fresh love still feels so right!

When I see the mess that I’m now drowning in,
I know why I’m here after what I have
been through;
Chasing too many women!
If the truth be told, I would have to say,
It was still worth the price,
that I had to pay,
Though they break your heart and make
you cry,
I can’t hardly wait ’til the next comes by
For another try, and i don’t know why;
Now,that cuts like a knife,
But believe me, fresh love still feels so right!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A man who has nothing else left in this world, may still know bliss that is love

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I now understood how a man who has nothing left in this world,
may still know bliss that is love,
be it only for a brief moment,
in the contemplation of his beloved.

In a position of utter desolation,
when a man cannot express himself in
positive action,
when his only achievement,
may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way–
an honourable way–in such a
position man can,
through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved,
achieve fulfilment so deeply rooted in his soul.

For the first time in my life,
I am able to understand the words,
“The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory of love.

As you know, my heart is now full,
With all the love you give to me,
But did you know?,
That long ago,
my heart was filled with emptiness,
When It felt so sad
And pain burnt my soul,
It seared that precious part;
My heart was charred,
A blackened mess.

I cursed myself, I couldn’t think,
My mind was chewed right through,
How had I made a mess of things?
A quandary, yes, but true;
How can my life turn round?
I had no clue, not one idea,
On how I’d change my world,
But then I found you,
My shining light,
My beacon in the dark,
The only one who loved me,
Despite my flaws.

You helped me through each dark day,
Until I saw the dawn of my new life,
The darkness faded;
You help me still,
And keep me sane.
Stopping me going mad with loneliness of the heart,
But my love I must admit;

My heart is now so full,
Spilling over the brim;
You changed my dark to light,
My love,
My Muse,
My heart’s liberator.

These words are yours tonight,
My love, you are so wonderful,
To me, no one compares to you,
The things you do and say to me,
They drive me wild,
Through and through.

Take last night,for instance,
You smiled so sweet,
Took my hand,
Kissed me softly,
Guided me,
Gripped me,
Whispered to me,
Such sweet words to my ear,
In your arms,
We moved as one,
My body welded to yours,
Beneath cool white sheets,
My heart, it pounds like a war drum,
My chest wall aches.
In an anticipation of a rapture.

You say the words so soft and sweet,
Only meant for my ears,
And then we fall.
Bodies locked tight,
Lips are locked,
In a passionate kiss,
That can only be drawn by lovers.

And in your arms,
I lay so still,
Until the dawn,
My sweetest thrill…
My mind wanders with sweet delight,
To valleys full of joy,
And a stream that only flows for me,within the lush fluffs,
That crown the source of untold joy and pleasure;
My dreams filled of only you.
Your fingers dip beneath the elastic of my
shorts,
And a mountain rises in a valley,
That was flat just a while ago!

…Telling me how and when to touch,
Commanding me to release the pressure,
Smiling wickedly and telling you to grip
harder,
My breathing shallows,
A deep urge builds,
Not quite yet, you say to me.
To help prolong the thrill.

Can’t hold back,
What now truly belongs to you,my love,
It’s all yours to take!,
Yes, you say,
The time had come;
A shudder washes over me,
And knowing that you’re there,
Watching,
Smiling,
As I slowly let out,
A moan so deep,
it hurts my throat,
Ploughing throw a field,
That is only meant to satiate my need,
My hunger is no longer a pain,
My need is quenched again.

My eyes closed tight,
My breathing slows,
I know not what my body does,
Bursting with streams of thick joy,
as I drift into paradise.
My eyes they slowly trace the line,
Upward, skywards, so divine,
Fingers skip along your leg,
To that place between,
Where the warmth does lie,
Pulses race across your flesh,
Breath it quickens,
Gathering pace,
Teasing with my soul and flesh,
A thousand shocks race against my finger tips….

What’s that, my sweetie?
Speak it loud,
Scream and shout,
Purr for me,
As my fingers dance,
But it seems,
That’s not enough,
Fingers grip your fluffy curls,
Dragging my head to where the fountain of joy sits.
On this stairway,
That leads to paradise,
As your body begs for a dance,
That’s only meant for two!
It is in this bliss of love,
That I finally drift into peaceful sleep,
Still locked in the warm embrace of your loving hands….

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A red rose for my sleeping beauty

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I have put a red rose beside your pillow,
And scattered rose red petals among our bed sheets,
so that in the gentle hours of the night,
we will share dreams,
That are only inspired by our love.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Cultivating true happiness:Some practical thoughts to build on

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Thinking you can avoid suffering is kind
of like thinking you control the ocean
tide.

Just in case you were wondering,
you can’t.

Suffering by definition: the state of
undergoing pain, distress, or hardship.

As humans we typically strive for what we perceive the opposite of suffering,
happiness: the state of being happy.

Of course why wouldn’t you?

Nobody wants to suffer.

But,sometimes in order to appreciate
happiness we have to experience
unhappiness.

We can’t say we are living if we are only choosing to allow in experiences and feelings that feel safe for us.

I once viewed myself as a very unhappy and reactive person.

I worked very hard to be an unreactive happy person.

You know those people who go to yoga
every day and glide though life with a calm flow, but then you are driving with them one day and someone cuts them off and they lose their mind, waving their fist and swearing? That was me.

I had even started to refer to myself as 80 percent Buddhist and the other 20 percent of the time was reserved for “other.”

Maybe part of happiness is not avoiding
suffering?

Maybe to experience happiness
we actually have to experience everything else, including suffering.

There is a place in the middle that
respects our entire being,in other words,our middle ground.

It is a place where we can be everything and anything.

It is place where we are gentle with
ourselves and brave.

It is a place where we can embrace it all,
with the understanding that each thread is important in weaving our story.

Rather than chasing happiness or running
from suffering there is another place we
can go, an action we can take.

I almost feel foolish for missing it for so long, as it is simple.

It is called being yourself.

It is a humble place, a sometimes scary place, a gentle place, and a place full of wonder, love, and opportunity.

All you have to do is simply be yourself.

And like everyone else,embrace the life’s middle ground.

And both suffering and happiness will serve to give you a higher experience as an all round human being.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A wheel chair,and a female doctor with dimples-what a good luck!

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Men only go see a doctor if they have a
bleeding hole in their head. Mostly from being shot by silly carjackers,or having a beer bottle splitting their brains into two halves in a beer brawl.

And men hate it if and when, they have to be wheeled around the hospital in a wheel chair!

So,when I drove myself to hospital to have some persistent pain and swelling on my right leg around the calf muscle checked at the hospital,I was not expecting to be wheeled in a wheechair to the emergency room!

Didn’t the case screening clinical officer know that I had just driven myself here,and I expected to be attended to and then proceed to a weekend outing with friends,on this Friday afternoon?

But you can ask for a wheelchair the next
time you visit the hospital, even if you
just have a flu and you are on piritons
and you are a wus of a man.

They won’t have the heart to say no.

Plus, it’s not like they have to worry about fuelling the damn thing.

Or, as in my case,they might force you into a wheelchair!

The only problem being wheeled around is that people sort of stare at you and wonder what you could be suffering from.
They wonder if you have some sort of enzyme deficiency that has been responsible for reducing your testosterone levels to that of a frigid woman ; if the bad enzymes had finally caught up with you,then you have to bear this disgrace with fortitude..

He called for a wheelchair but I told him
that I was cool, I could walk it. He said
he would be more comfortable if I was
wheeled instead and I wondered, heck!
Am I actually dying and this guy isn’t telling me?

This orderly pushed me around, without saying a word. Chaps who push you on a
wheelchair aren’t used to conversation
because the people they usually push
are normally too busy listening to their
own pain.

But I’m always curious at what
people do and I can’t shut up in the
morning, so I asked him, “Who is the
one patient you pushed on a wheelchair
that you remember the most,and did he die in the end?”

He didn’t say a word for a while, and when I sort of turned to see if someone was still pushing me or I was on cruise control, he sort of mumbled, “eeh, hiyo lazima nifikirie.”( “Give me time to think about this one”). I believe he’s still thinking about his answer.

I was wheeled into emergency room,to my horror! So I’m actually dying?

A rushed and hustled petite lady with
short hair was my radiologist. She asked
me to change into this blue garb of a dress that they tell you to wear during examination at the hospital,completely naked underneath it, and lie
on my back.

She said “We are going to have a look at your right leg, is this your right leg, Bernard?” I said indeed it was
my right leg. It felt like a court
proceeding:

I know its procedure: they want to know if you are still conscious,or you are so messed up by whatever you are suffering from to be logical and coherent, but she kept asking
me if that was my right leg.

Even doctors don’t believe in complete mastering of mental faculties of a man who has to be wheeled around in a wheel chair.

She asked so many times I started suspecting it wasn’t my right leg.

She pressed some cold gooey stuff down my strong hard muscular thighs (just let me have that one) then ran her handheld gadget on it as she stared at her screen intently, taking pictures of my veins.

After 15mins she announced nonchalantly: “You have a clot in your vein.”

A what??

I don’t know if you know this,my dear reader, but people die from clots in their veins.

Clots ride up to your heart and just when you are ordering a much needed drink on a Friday afternoon after a long hard week, you will fall off your stool and die with the words, “…Gilbey’s Gin on the
rocks, pleas…” on your lips. Or die on
your steering wheel just as the lights
change green.

Or in your sleep.

Clots are sneaky bastards who don’t warn you.

Now that explained the wheelchair!

In a very steady voice, I asked a leading
question like the ones chicks always ask
us. The ones that have no right answer.

Like when your lovely chick who has been adding more weight ever since you started dating asks you if she is ok in that blue tight fitting dress that she last wore during her high school days when she weighed fifty kilos less than today!

Anyway, back to the radiologist. I asked
her: “Is this clot thing a good thing or a
bad thing?”

And I half expected her to say, “I dunno, Bernard, why don’t you
Google that? We have free wifi here in the hospital.” Hehe.

She said, “It’s not a good thing and it’s
not a bad thing, but you know it’s below
your knees where the vessels are smaller
and far from the heart, now that we
have seen it on time, the doctor will
decide the course of treatment…” I
drifted off as she spoke. I will be honest,
I panicked. I don’t want to die. There is
so much to do.

Because of the pain the doctor put me
on a drip. The IV rig was set up by a chirpy male nurse who explained that I might feel nauseous.

He hooked me up and before closing the curtains to my cubicle, he said, Press this red button here in case you need help.

Two minutes later, I wanted to test if the red thing actually works and how long they take to get to my bed,just in case I will be dying suddenly.

I wanted to test if he can move faster than my clot that was now moving to my dear heart, so I pressed it.

He was there in a flash. “Yes, Bernard
everything OK?”

I swear if it was a female nurse I would have told her with a dramatic whisper, “Please stay with me, I’m scared, hold my hand, don’t go. I’m scared of this bloody clot, here, let me put my head on your chest…” Hehe. Then see what she will do.

But it was the damn male nurse again, so I said, “how do I recline this bed, boss?”

And he reclined it. Then moved the red button so far away from me with that look that seemed to say, “This, Bernard, is not a toy.”

When you are told something like you
have a clot, everything quiets down in your life.

Literally.

Just some whirling thoughts of your soon to be funeral keep running like a stuck movie loop in your mind.

The hospital ruckus behind the curtain quieted.

I lay there, staring at the white ceiling thinking, heck, this is how people die. No warning.

The first call I made was to the only “mother” I have left – Daisy, my partner.

Sickness makes a child out of all of us.

And Daisy is the only “mother” I can cry to in this distress.

She was more panicked than me after that call,and she literally flew to my bedside in a rain of tears. Poor Daisy! She may have to look for another guy to lean on after I’m gone. She deserves another shoulder to cry on…

Maybe it was the drug, but by this time I
was so calm. She listened to my calm sober story in total disbelief.

We normally go to bed at night already planning about the next day because we assume that the next day is assured.

We forget to live because there is always
something we have to do.

Someone who we have to see. A goal we have to achieve. Money we have to make. People we have to compare ourselves to. The daily rat race of life catches up with us and it makes us forget life.

We forget to smell the flowers, figuratively of course.

All this while, a clot forms in your vein.

Or a cancerous cell builds in your
stomach.

That clot made me take a step back and
say, “wait, slow down.”

As I lay there, Dave, my marketing collegue at the office called. I had completely forgotten
the interview with a local TV station, an
interview that we have been talking
about for ages. It was scheduled for
11am in Thika. It was 10am and I was
hooked up to a drip in Parklands.

It amazed me how quickly life changes and how when it changes certain things lose their urgency.

“Dave, not today, please.” I
told Dave that I was in hospital and
that I would call when done to
reschedule. He didn’t sound like he
believed me.

I looked at my phone calendar.

I had things to do. Tons of things. Things I was going to have to cancel. Money I was
going to lose.

As I lay there,literally dying for two days in a hospital bed,I remembered a different case that involved a collegue who had been bitten by a tick,and his case had been misdiagnosed.

So I rang the red button again,and when the grumpy male nurse came shuffling in without hurry, I told him that I would like to have a second opinion on my diagnosis.

The hospital authorities consented to my request.

A specialist lady doctor from another hospital was going to give the second opinion.

I explained to her that I have been working at Maasai Mara game reserve on a waste water treatment project for game lodges and tented camps,and could I have been bitten by a tick in the course of my duties?

She was the most beautiful lady doctor I have ever met with hypotonising eyes and a dimpled smile.

She did tests, an MRI, studied my
ultrasound results. She stuck a cold
stethoscope on my chest.
She listened to my lungs and my heart, and asked a ton of questions. She studied my calf.

All tests came out great. My heart was perfect. So were my lungs. She said that she wasn’t convinced that the black dot in my vein was actually a clot. And in case it was too small to cause any significant damage.

But she said she wants to err on the side
of caution and asked me to continue
taking the drugs for another week just
to be sure.

And when she finally presented the final results on a cold Monday morning,my world literally lit up on her accompanying dimpled smile; it was a tick bite infection afterall! With just a few painful injections on my butt,I was going to be fine,and possibly good to go for another hundred years!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

PART TWO: Chastity,my daughter,how can I ever tell you that you are a stranger in my life?

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PART TWO

The shrieks of monkeys by our house in the KWS staff quarters was not exactly what Chastity expected for her morning greetings.
She came from her bedroom walking noiselessly on the wood tile floor,tip-toeing to sit on my lap.
I stroked her head to calm her down.
She was silent throughout this ordeal.
It was like watching a pantomime play.
She looked scared.
The house, for one thing was strange to her.
She had slept through the journey late into the night,and was still asleep on our arrival.
She slept on the lorry’s cabin as we offloaded our belongings.
I only unpacked the essential items that we could use through the night,and then put her to bed to continue with her slumber.
From her surprised looks,I could tell that the morning had come too soon for her.
Not to mention the strange animal noises in our new compound.
I knew she was not ready to take her breakfast,not before she ascertained what kind of racket was going on outside our door.
“Daddy,what is making those noises?”
“Some monkeys,baby girl(a pet name that I used on her),would you like to see them?”
“Yes. Draw the curtains daddy. Can I see them through the window?”
A tactful girl.
She wanted this show to come in small bits.
I carried her to the window.
Monkeys were doing their thing,swinging by tree branches and gracing their sport with numerous shrill shrieks.
Chastity held me tightly wrapping her small arms round my neck.
“They won’t bite you,but don’t try to throw any food at them,or carry your food outside the door”.
I took the opportunity to impress on her some necessary precautions she must now start adopting in our new home.
Some monkeys were atop the roof of a parked Landcruiser.
She watched these ones with both fascination and dread.
In her young beautiful mind,she could see that the clear cut bondaries between animals and humans were erased in this environment. She held me more tightly as she watched them,but relaxed her grip when she spotted a baby monkey clinging to her mother as she dashed across the compound.
There is something about babies that mellows the hearts of all of us.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

Our reception at the Officer-in-Charge of the station was quite eventful for all parties.
Chastity was wary about the many monkeys that graced the compound as we walked to the office block.
She only managed to take a few steps before pleading with me to carry the rest of the way to the office block.
“I’m scared,Daddy”.
“Ok,but you will have to get used to them,baby girl. See,other children are walking all by themselves across the compound”.
“Will they be my friends?”
“The monkeys?”.
“No. The children. Will I play with them?”
“Yes,off course,after you get to know them. Make them your friends!”

¤¤¤¤¤¤

The officer in charge had not expected me to bring along a toddler.
I had clearly indicated during my last interview that I was single.
That was only eight months ago.

“Welcome. Is she your daughter?”
“Well,yes. It is a long story,but I will explain it to you when I’m settled here”
“No problem. How was your journey? Did you enjoy the night here? It is rather noisy with all these monkeys around,but you will get used to it”.
He was a man with things to do and he did not waste his time on niceties.
He was not expected answers to his questions because he buzzed an intercom and a lady in her thirties was also ushered into the office.
“Meet Dr. Kimathi. She heads our veterinary department. She will take over from where I’ve left and show you around. Good day,and enjoy yourselves!”

He was already done in two minutes.
None of had said a word.
We were soon dismissed and ushered out of his office.
Dr. Kimathi held Chastity’s hand as we walked along an open walled corridor to her office.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

“I’d like to apologise for Dr. Richmond’s abrupt demeanour,but that’s how is towards everyone around here,and not just you in particular”,Dr. Kimathi said as she invited us to her corner office.

“He must, however,have been taken off guard by your daughter’s presence,how old is she?”

“She’s three and six months old now. I’m sorry I didn’t declare her presence during my interviews for this position”.

“You should have done it…that declaration would have helped us to assign you a house in our married quarters,but you need not worry,I will correct that oversight and assign you the right house in the due course of time”.

Chastity who had been silent since our reception at O-i-Charge’s office looked more relaxed and was swinging her legs over her seat.

“Do you want us to move to another house,baby girl?”,I asked Chastity to deflect this uncomfortable discourse.
“No,Daddy. I like our new house,and the baby monkey!”
Dr. Kimathi burst into pearls of good natured laughter at Chastity’s comment.
I admit that her comment took me by surprise too.

“There it is,Dr. Kimathi. My daughter prefers the house that you have already assigned to us”.

“But her mother might prefer a bigger house…..”

“I don’t think so…..I mean,her mother is dead…it is a long story…”

“Oh-im sorry to hear that…what’s your daughter’s name by the way? Is it baby girl?”

“Chastity”.

“What a cute name!,come here Chastity”.

Dr. Kimathi held Chastity as she took me through the job description and responsibilities of my new position.

There was something motherly about the way she held my baby girl.

She finally ended her talk by saying that I was to embark on a six month induction course at Montana National Park in the U.S.A.

She cryptically added that she was going to be one of the courses facilitators,and both of us will fly out in three weeks time.

This information dampened my enthusiasm for my new position.

Having to fly out of the country would complicate matters for Chastity.

I could not figure out how Chastity would fit in on these new arrangements.

My mind had taken leave from the present,and Dr. Kimathi’s lovely voice jolted me back to the present moment.

“I’m sorry to bring this up too soon,but what arrangements do you have for Chastity? She can join our baby care unit,or join the pre-unit class”.

“Well,that would be very much ok for now,it is the six month’s induction course that I’m really worried about; I can’t afford to leave her behind too soon….”

“Mmmh…that’s right…I had not foreseen it from that angle,but please leave that to me. I will see what we can do,probably in the way of some local arrangements”.

“Thank you…but I wouldn’t want to leave her behind..”

“Worry not,I’ll see what can be done along those lines”,she said firmly

“By the way,I also live next to your house on the Singles Quarters,three houses along the row from yours. Chastity can pay me a visit whenever she likes,isn’t that so Chastity? Would you like to come to my house?”

Chastity started sucking at her thumb.
That’s what she does whenever she is facing difficult situations,or questions that she has no answers to. It is a game she played very well with the children’s welfare officer during her visits.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

Dr. Kimathi introduced us to quite a number of other administrative officers as we paid them courtesy calls in their offices within the Admin block.

She also took us to the staff canteen during the lunchtime break where we met Range officers.

She is a very self-effacing lady without any pretentious mien. She was at home with her juniors as well as her seniors.

Late in the afternoon,she drove us for short game drive within the park.

We saw quite a number of animal,and one injured monkey that had been caught in hunting traps outside the park.

She darted it with anaesthesia gun from her land cruiser,and we took the opportunity to redress its wounds.

Chastity was fascinated by this game drive where she saw numerous number of wildlife animals.

She had sat at the front cabin with Dr. Kimathi who acted as her tour guide,pointing out and telling her the name of all different animals.

I was very happy for my baby girl who was quite happy and excited on this game drive.

I,however,was slightly apprehensive about the way she was taken in by Dr. Kimathi’s charm.

I was not ready to lose my baby girl to anyone too soon.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

The afternoon drive ended right outside Dr. Kimathi’s house.
Chastity and I were invited for a cup of tea and biscuits before retiring to our residence.
Our host changed from a no nonsense professional to a motherly host who was eager to help us feel at home.
Her sitting room was graced with stuffed animals and Chastity had a rough time trying to figure out whether they were the real thing or what.
She clung to me,until our host demonstrated and explained to her that the stuffed animals were harmless.
The fish aquarium stole her interest.
She couldn’t get enough of the ornamental live fish swimming in the aquarium.
She happily asked a lot of questions to Dr.Kimathi about these beutiful creatures and she humbly obliged.
Dr. Kimathi had a lovely National Geographic DVD that she played for Chastity on Marine life.
Chastity was quite taken in by all this.
In the end,we took a lovely supper of green peas sauce and delicious chapatis and Dr. Kimathi’s before retiring to our residence.
It had been my most lovely evening since Chantelle left me.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

After putting Chastity to bed,I had a train of thoughts swirling in my mind about my future,Chastity’s young life that was now under my care and guardianship.
I also thought and deeply missed Chantelle.
But I had not quite forgiven her for haughty attitude towards Chastity.
Why couldn’t she believe me?
Was it worth it,throwing away all the life we had shared together for this silly misunderstanding?
Why couldn’t she find it in her heart to treat Chastity the way Dr. Kimathi had treated her,after only knowing her for a few hours?
Will Chastity ever enjoy the love of mother in her life again.
What’s a man like me supposed to do….how can I raise up Chastity alone?
Will I leave her behind during my six month induction course?
Can I convince the office to allow me to take her along with me?
My sleepy mind was overwhelmed by these torturous thoughts.
By I had a brilliant insight about formalising my adoption of Chastity.
I will call the Mombasa Children’s welfare officer the first thing in the morning and request her to help me in obtaining an official birth certificate for Chastity under my Surname.
Chantelle,you left me when I needed you most….
Sleep came to me easily after this resolution.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Your smile always brings me to my knees

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Every man should be lucky enough,
To experience the true love of a lifetime;
That’s what you brought into my life…,
The most amazing love I’ve ever known.

When first we met,
I knew we could be something special;
I was wrong,
We are something amazing,
and I’m blown away,
that I’m so lucky to have you.

We get better and better with time,
Your smile always brings me to my knees,
I love being around you,
I yearn for you,
I appreciate you,
You’re my gift from God.

You’re my angel,
I want you,
I adore you,
I need you,
Me and you. Always.

You had me right from that first moment, when you said “hello.”
You inspire me,
You brighten my days,
You rock my world,
You’re perfect for me.

When I’m with you everything is
better….,
even on the bad days,
I wouldn’t trade your love,
for anything else in the world,
because when I have you,
I have everything.

Can you remember our first kiss?
Our first time together?
The first time our eyes met?
I felt in all with each magical experience,
and
divine intimacy,
We are connected…you and I,
And what we share…..is beyond good, It’s amazing.

I can now hear the sound,
of your heart beating,
And please don’t say a word,
‘Cause I already know what you’re feeling,
Just hold me close,
don’t be afraid,
these arms won’t let your heart break.

I’ll make love to you-so soft and tender,
I promise you with every breath i take,
These arms won’t let your heart break,
These eyes will worship you and adore you,
And these hands will love you every day
darling,
the only guarantee i can make to you;
these arms won’t let your heart break.

I’m right here,
just take my hand i’ll love you,
Like you want me to,
One thing is for sure,
Make no mistake about it,
My arms won’t let your heart break.

These eyes of mine will worship you and adore you,
These hands will love you every day,
Darling, the only guarantee i can make;
These arms won’t let your heart break.

Like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon,
you are about to soar,
Your beauty and grace,
takes everyone’s breath away,
And your strength keeps it all together,
In this magic that you brought into my life,
That I call love!

In the word “Love”, we have everything,
that we will ever need in this life,
You and I.

And when you lift your face,
And smile full into my eyes,
Just before bestowing that sweet kiss,
Into my eager waiting lips,
You make me your slave in love,
For another hundred years!

I want you ready for my love!

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A response to “Your voice is the soundtrack of my life….”
,

By Daisy

I want to be your confidant,
as you pen your deepest thoughts,
as your joys and heartaches,
bleed and finally break free,
Your dreams, I want keep,
as if my own.

I want to smile as you smile,
and giggle with you at nothing at all,
I want to be your lover,
and find the passions,
that move you to lover’s rapture,
I want to be the softness,
that induces you to trust a woman.

I want to be the naughty with you,
And make you come back for more,
I want to please you,
As best as a woman can please a man.

I want to share your breakfast,
and your dinner too,
I want you in the shower with me,
and be in your bed at night,
with soft steps to bring you a cocktail nightcap for two.

Your strong arms,
the legs that power your thrust into paradise,
your lips of pleasure,
these are the fuel of my desire,
no it is no secret, my love,
and to put it very simply,
I want you all,just for myself!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®
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Your voice is the soundtrack of my life…

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Your voice is the soundtrack of my life,
Your smile, my warmth on
cold and empty days,
Your arms, a refuge for my soul,
And when everybody else can’t tell what the future holds for them,
I clearly see my future in your eyes;
I live,just for you!

Chastity,my daughter,how can I ever tell you that you are a stranger in my life?

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PART ONE

I’m now sixty years old.
A senior bachelor.
I have a loving daughter,Chastity,the love of my life.
She is thirty six years old.
I’m expecting her any time now to land on a flight from Frankfurt,Germany,
She is coming back from her study leave for her doctorate degree in Sociology.
I’m losing my mind in anticipation of this reunion with my daughter.
My eyes are moist with tears of joy and anticipation.
At this point in my life,I can’t help looking back at the fate that brought Chastity into my life,thirty three odd years ago.
I was only twenty seven on that fateful day that her mother died.
These are the thoughts that are swirling in my mind,like a fog being swept by whirlwind.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

On that fateful day,thirty three years ago,I was coming back to Nairobi from our coastal town of Mombasa.

I had just been employed as a junior Veterinary Officer in the Civil service and longing to visit my upcountry home after six months at my new duty station.

The daunting eight hour journey by bus was only a small price to pay to quench this longing that had now taken a permanent residence in my heart.

I had reported earlier than usual at the bus coach ticketing office for this journey back home.

But as I gathered during my anxious wait for the departure,I was not the only one eager to make this long journey to Nairobi; a young Muslim woman with a beautiful young daughter was also waiting on the office bench for the same bus.

Her daughter kept on pestering her about when they will start their journey.

Her flimsy bits of answers and motherly assurances helped me gather that they were going to be fellow passengers on the same coach.

¤¤¤¤¤

The young family sat next to me on the seat rows.
The crooning of the bus engine and fatigue sent me to the land of dreams after only a few miles into our long journey.
But not before the toddler who was seating between her mum and I, also fell asleep on my lap.
Her mother too,covered in full black Muslim dress with veil that only allowed a narrow slit for her eyes, had too fallen asleep holding her handbag on her laps.
The only free pillow available to the toddler was my lap.
She snored peacefully in her slumber.
Occasionally,her mother would stir awake and try to move the sleeping toddler off my lap,but she would fall back to her free pillow soon enough during her sleepy tosses and turns.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

I was awakened by violent and torturous swaying of the coach amidst screams of my fellow passengers.
The coach had suffered a front wheel tyre burst and the driver was unsuccessfully trying to regain the control of the vehicle.
It was swaying from one side of the road to the other with metallic screeching noises in the undercarriage.
My harshly awakened mind told me to prepare for the worst.
There was no way the driver was going to regain control of the vehicle at this high speed.
Then it happened.
We rolled several times with deafening bangs on each violent landing.
Seats came off the floor pan of the coach and were flying like murderous demons inside the coach.
Screams and groans filled the air.
I felt dizzy and numbed by the violent bangs on my body.
Bodies and bits of personal luggage were flying out through the broken windows.
Then,it all fell silent,except for the hissing of a burst engine radiator but only for a few seconds.
Screams and groans lent the air once again.
Those who could move at all, were now scrambling through the broken windows and gaping tears on the coach.
I couldn’t move.
I was trapped between the loose seats,luggage and other injured or dead passengers,all in a heap,with the bus lying upside down on its roof.
Something was moving across my heavy laden chest.
Then there was a faint cry.
I could only hear the words “mummy, mummy”.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

A haze was clearing from my heavily sedated mind.
There was smell of medicine on my nose.
My face felt tight under the bandages.
As the fog cleared from my mind,I heard repeated questions over my face: “what’s your name? Can you hear me? Can you see me?”
The voice seemed to be coming from a very long distance.
A blurry face was towering over my head.
Another voice,a toddler’s crying voice was becoming distinct next to blurry face.
They had found her clutched to me when they freed us from the wreckage.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

I spent two weeks at Voi District Hospital after the accident,or rather,we spent two weeks there,the unidentified toddler and I.

When I came to,I found that they had tagged us both with the same serial number on our wrist bracelet.

They supposed we were possibly relatives travelling together.

But there was no trace of the toddler’s mother. Nobody had claimed the toddler either,from this hospital.
I could neither convince the hospital staff nor the police that I was not the toddler’s father trying to shun responsibility after the accident.

¤¤¤¤¤

On my day of discharge from the hospital,I had unexpected visitors waiting for me in the hospital’s administration office.
When I sat down,I realised that they were a children’s welfare officer and a policewoman.
They wanted me to sign some papers.
I had to declare that I was going to take away my “daughter” with me on my discharge.
I also had to allow a children’s welfare officer into my home for surprise visits as a follow up on how I was faring as a “reluctant parent” with my daughter.
Things were moving very fast in my life after the accident,in the wrong direction.
All these officers seemed to have conspired to offload the toddler into my life as fast as they could.
They even offered to offset her bill at the hospital on my behalf.
The children welfare office was going to take care of the bill.
I was tongue tied.

¤¤¤¤¤

“So, what is your daughters name?”,the children’s welfare officer asked me after a lengthy dawdling with her pen.

“Chastity”,a name that just flew from the top of my head.

“How old is she?”

” I honestly don’t know”.

“Make it easy for us and yourself too, by giving us the right details”.

“The doctor says in this report that she is three,so I will put it here that your daughter is three”.

There was no way out of this mess.
A soft knock on the door brought me back to the reality of my situation.
I was being forced to adopt a child I didn’t know.
There was no information on her mother on the scene of the accident from police report,nor from the hospital records of the victims.
Chantelle,my long time girlfriend had come to drive me home after my discharge.
She was now watching us silently as I signed the papers on the table.
“Is she your daughter’s mother?”,the policewoman asked me looking at Chantelle.
“No”.
Chantelle looked at me in askance.
I avoided her eyes.
“Are we taking her with us?”,Chantelle asked me,bewildered.
“Yes. It is a long story. I will explain when we get home”.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

The drive home was silent,except for Chastity who kept asking Chantelle where her mum was.
Chantelle feigned concentration in her driving ignoring the toddler.
She would not even dare look at me either.
A big storm was brewing in my life.
I was not looking forward to arriving at my home,even after this long absence.
I had a sense of foreboding that my life was going to change forever once the three of us were home.
¤¤¤¤¤¤

“You know I will going back to Rwanda tomorrow to see my parents,so,who is this girl?”

” I honestly don’t know”.

Then I told her the strange story about the accident and how no one could trace her mother,and so she was forced into me as my daughter.

Chantelle rolled her beautiful eyes after I finished my story.

“May be it is you who is not searching hard enough for the mother of your daughter. I always suspected some monkey business in this relationship.
But you are lucky that I’m going away tomorrow. That will give you enough time to sort out your many other relationships”.

“You can’t throw those unkind words back at me,Chantelle. Not after I’ve explained this whole strange story to you”.

“The story is strange to me,but I’m not sure that it is strange to you”.

That was the last that I heard from Chantelle,and the last I saw of her too.

I heard later on that she had sought political asylum in Canada.

¤¤¤¤¤

Chastity was a good child,outgoing and obedient.
I had now resigned myself to being a father without having ever been married,or fathering a child of my own,under whatever other circumstances.
The children’s welfare officer visited us several times and kept pestering Chastity about the whereabouts of her mother in a backhanded sort of interrogation. She simply didn’t know where her mother was,she kept saying,and the bewilderment in her eyes after this incisive questioning touched the depths of my soul.
What has become of me?
Why couldn’t anybody believe me?
Am I living in a bubble of a dream,or my life was real?

¤¤¤¤¤

Six months after the accident,I received an appointment letter from Kenya Wildlife Services (KWS) inviting me to join their veterinary department.
I had been interviewed for this position and I had given up on it after a long wait.
My new duty station was going to be the Animal Orphanage in Nairobi National Park.
Chastity had joined a baby care center in our residential neighbourhood and had made many friends.
I was happy for her,under the circumstances.
She was a jolly and outgoing child.
It had taken her quite a while to bring herself to call me Daddy.
When I first heard her call me Daddy,I cried.
Now,she was going to be uprooted from her familiar neighbourhood where she had made friends to a new home in the wild.
My heart cried for her.
I gently tried to explain to her that we will move to a new home and she is going to make new friends.
All she asked was,”will I get to see my friends again?”.
How does one honestly answer such a question to a child who may not understand that we were moving away from this place that she called her home,and we may never get a chance to come back here again?

¤¤¤¤¤¤

The children’s welfare officer after listening to my reasons of relocating from her area of jurisdiction said she was satisfied that I was going to be a good father to Chastity,and there was no need of handing over my case to the Children’s welfare officer in Nairobi.
I should however get in touch with her incase I encounter any problems related to this case.
With that,Chastity and I bid farewell to our home and boarded a KWS lorry that transported our belongings to the new Nairobi home right inside the Nairobi National Park.
As we crossed the junction to Voi town on our way to Nairobi,my heart was overcome with very strong emotions.
I requested the lorry driver to stop by the roadside and took Chastity down with me.
My eyes were moist.
I took a handful of soil by the roadside and put it in a paperbag.
I asked Chastity to do the same and she gleefully agreed thinking that this was a good sport to play with “Daddy”.
She threw several handfuls into the paper bag and we embarked on our journey.
The lorry driver kept stealing nervous glances at us and the paper bag holding the soil.
He never commented or asked what it was all about.
But he started driving very carefully for the rest stretch of our journey.
Mombasa is famous for black magic.
He seemed to have decided not to take any chances with his driving after our strange episode by the roadside.

¤¤¤¤¤¤
{ A short preview of part two of this continuing story}
PART TWO

The shrieks of monkeys by our house in the KWS staff quarters was not exactly what Chastity expected for her morning greetings.
She came from her bedroom walking noiselessly on the wood tile floor,tip-toeing to sit on my lap.
I stroked her head to calm her down.
She was silent throughout this ordeal.
It was like watching a pantomime play.
She looked scared.
The house, for one thing was strange to her.
She had slept through the journey late into the night,and was still asleep on our arrival.
She slept on the lorry’s cabin as we offloaded our belongings.
I only unpacked the essential items that we could use through the night,and then put her to bed to continue with her slumber.
From her surprised looks,I could tell that the morning had come too soon for her.
Not to mention the strange animal noises in our new compound.
I knew she was not ready to take her breakfast,not before she ascertained what kind of racket was going on outside our door.
“Daddy,what is making those noises?”
“Some monkeys,baby girl(a pet name that I used on her),would you like to see them?”
“Yes. Draw the curtains daddy. Can I see them through the window?”
A tactful girl.
She wanted this show to come in small bits.
I carried her to the window.
Monkeys were doing their thing,swinging by tree branches and gracing their sport with numerous shrill shrieks.
Chastity held me tightly wrapping her small arms round my neck.
“They won’t bite you,but don’t try to throw any food at them,or carry your food outside the door”.
I took the opportunity to impress on her some necessary precautions she must now start adopting in our new home.
Some monkeys were atop the roof of a parked Landcruiser.
She watched these ones with both fascination and dread.
In her young beautiful mind,she could see that the clear cut bondaries between animals and humans were erased in this environment. She held me more tightly as she watched them,but relaxed her grip when she spotted a baby monkey clinging to her mother as she dashed across the compound.
There is something about babies that mellows the hearts of all of us.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

Our reception at the Officer-in-Charge of the station was quite eventful for all parties.
Chastity was wary about the many monkeys that graced the compound as we walked to the office block.
She only managed to take a few steps before pleading with me to carry the rest of the way to the office block.
“I’m scared,Daddy”.
“Ok,but you will have to get used to them,baby girl. See,other children are walking all by themselves across the compound”.
“Will they be my friends?”
“The monkeys?”.
“No. The children. Will I play with them?”
“Yes,off course,after you get to know them. Make them your friends!”

¤¤¤¤¤¤

The officer in charge had not expected me to bring along a toddler.
I had clearly indicated during my last interview that I was single.
That was only eight months ago.

“Welcome. Is she your daughter?”
“Well,yes. It is a long story,but I will explain it to you when I’m settled here”
“No problem. How was your journey? Did you enjoy the night here? It is rather noisy with all these monkeys around,but you will get used to it”.
He was a man with things to do and he did not waste his time on niceties.
He was not expected answers to his questions because he buzzed an intercom and a lady in her thirties was also ushered into the office.
“Meet Dr. Kimathi. She heads our veterinary department. She will take over from where I’ve left and show you around. Good day,and enjoy yourselves!”

He was already done in two minutes.
None of had said a word.
We were soon dismissed and ushered out of his office.
Dr. Kimathi held Chastity’s hand as we walked along an open walled corridor to her office.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

Full text of PART TWO will be published in the next post. Keep it here!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Love is bleeding from my bald head

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The night is still.
A stillness that fills me with a sense of dread.
I just can’t sleep.
I have tried but I keep failing.
I am lying in bed staring
blankly at the wall.
My heart is in turmoil.

Besides me, in deep uneasy slumber is Kate, the woman I regarded my
soulmate.

I am not sure if that is still the case.
In the stillness of the night, I can hear her tranquil breathing.
Her lovely plump cheeks, usually chocolate-hued, are now crimson with streaks of tears.
We just had an acrimonious exchange that saw her accuse me of all manner of things.
In a fit of unbridled fury, she hurled a glass at me,which shattered on my balding head.
I nearly passed out.
Blood gushed out, but I made no
attempt to wipe it off.
I have stopped bleeding, but the pain is still maddeningly intense.
If she thought that her act of
senseless violence would beget the same from me then she was mistaken.
I am a gentleman, sensible
enough to know that an act of violence against a member of the opposite sex is a sign of weakness,an unforgivable abomination.
That’s a principle I have practised all my life, a philosophy I consider
inviolate, almost sacred.
As if her first act of violence were not enough,Kate provoked me further by clasping at mybloody shirt and shaking me violently, whiletearfully demanding answers that I couldn’t provide.
She seemed certain of my guilt and no
amount of explaining could assuage her baseless anger.
I chose to be silent, hoping that it would prove golden.
Our young relationship is buckling under the weight of her unreasonableness, her unjustified suspicion and mistrust that no amount of cajoling has succeeded in placating.
I have gone to unimaginable lengths to keep it from imploding but Kate has other ideas.
This is now beyond me.
I yearn for peace.
Peace of mind that only walking away from this mess of a relationship can provide.
My sanity is on the edge.
I have to do what a man with sense in
my shoes would do, take flight from this pain.
Kate has chosen to believe the words of her cunning friends over mine.
“I am toying with her heart,” they say, but nothing could be further from
the truth.
Despite my weaknesses, which are
typical of any man, I have never contemplated infidelity.
I am sure Mercy, who I gather also doubles as Kate’s confidant, is behind all the troubles plaguing my love life.
I rejected Mercy’s many diabolical overtures and now I think she is the one
filling Kate’s mind with lies about me.
It is the best way for her to get back at me.
Her sweet revenge.
My instinct tells me that Kate isn’t worth fighting for.
“A woman of doubtful breeding isn’t worth this pain and emotional blood-letting,” I tell myself.
I have reached the end of my tether.
I tried to patch things up but, unfortunately the more I tried,
the more things fell apart, escalating with every attempt.
Perhaps I was not up to the task.
When she wakes up, I will have gone.
To where?
I don’t know.
But it will be far away from her
reach that I can never trace my way back to her evil arms.
With her nervous disposition and fragile
psychology, she may contemplate revenge.
I just hope it doesn’t get that far.
With time, if she chooses a more sober love- life, she will come to grips with the fact that we were never meant to be. Fate had other plans.
Her ageing, widowed mother who suffers from high blood pressure, will
never forgive me for walking away.
In my mind, I can see her cursing me, wishing me ill for leaving her daughter.
Strange how much rides on this unprecedented decision I am about to make.
Too much for one man, but I will bear it all like the man that I am.
As for Kate, only time will tell what will become of her.
The cautious kiss that I plant on her cheek will be the last of the many that we’ve shared.
I wish her well,though my love for her is now bleeding from my bald head.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My birthday,another handwritten chapter by God of all the dreams that I pursue in my life….

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A day in ten is going to be my birthday; a new day has come
It is better for me than it will be for some
To those who are suffering, know I wish
you peace
May the light of morning bring needed
release
From dawn until evening, I pray you will
find
A never ending path of sweet memories
in mind
This may be my hour and my time to
shine
Yet, on this, my birthday, know your
heart is mine.
Today is my birthday; I’m grateful, you
see
I welcome each challenge this year offers
me
Through hardship I’ve travelled; I’ve
conquered in stride
With the grace of God evermore at my
side
Each day of my life forms good fortune,
anew
A handwritten chapter of dreams I pursue
And so, as I wake to greet five score and more years
I look back and forward not in sorrow, but with happy tears.
Today is my birthday and this is my
prayer
I wish heaps of love to my friends
everywhere
For you have stood by me, through thick
and through thin
And I know you would do the same, yet
again
I wish you blue skies filled with sunshine,a panorama
And pray that warm tidings are near to
your door
I may now be older, but I feel so blessed
To have you, my friends, for indeed,
you’re the best.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

From nowhere to fame

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So many times in my life
These few dreams of mine
Seem hidden behind
A mountain too high to climb
But you were the one
Who said, ‘go on, follow your star’
When the song in my heart
Was just a voice in the dark
You could hear my mellow key
There’s only one moon
That shines in the night
And only one love in my life
Only one love in my life,
I’m a ship on the open ocean darling
You’re my guiding light
The radio played
My new song today
And I heard someone say
‘Man, he sure got it made into a nice heap’
If only they knew how much you
Have made of me
Together we came
From nowhere to fame
And I never could have made it
Alone
For me there’s only one moon
That shines in the night
And only one love in my life
You’re my guiding light
And you’re the only love in my life

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My body,the palace of my soul,is now broken

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Droplets of rain run down my bedroom
window,
I watch the crystal clear beads drip down
the glass.
Droplets of water drip from the bathroom
faucet,
Making the slightest noise with every
splash.
I sit in my room -alone and unheard,
Thinking of how my life has become.
I get up and look in my full length mirror,
My body-the palace of my soul.
I can’t look at myself any longer,
Nothing I do, or say, makes things get any
better.
Sometimes things get worse,
Most of the time they just stay the same-
and that’s
almost as bad as getting worse.
But I don’t leave from in front of the
mirror,
I just stand in front of it, staring of into
space.
Life is no longer worth living,
And really-most people aren’t living-merely
existing.
Frightened by the thought, I scream; the
glass breaks,
As I see opportunity passing in front of me,
I turn away
from the cause of my pain and stand in
front of my window.
Poisoned tears begin to stream down from
my bloodshot eyes,
I look out the window and see the broken
glass in the reflection-
Opportunity’s face presents itself to me-
mocking my pain!
My nerves are growing thin,
My breathing becomes shallow and
inaudible.
I turn away, blinded by poisoned droplets,
I return to the bathroom, broken glass
litters the sink.
I look down at all the twinkling diamonds
scattered all over,
I can see a thousand images-the one image
that I’ve been trying to escape.
I pick up and look into one of the larger
shards of glass,
Opportunity rears it’s ugly head one-last-
time.
Thinking about what I know I have to do,
I’m left with nothing but the obvious
choice.
I plunged the sharp end into my abdomen,
Ruby red droplets trickle down from my
lips.
I fall to the floor-dazed and dying,
While droplets of water run down my
bedroom window.
Beasts in the night
Take away innocent hearts
Leaving lovers lost
Forever bound to the search
Gone now because of something
Horrid, and abnormally
Wretched! Thoughts of finding
The lost ones wander about aimlessly.
Traveling endless miles
Far beyond man’s limits
Of time and place
Thinking of nothing but
The others, lost to
Beasts, horrible and malicious they are
Vowing to defeat the creatures
Of death and destruction of life.
Giving no reason of their own
For the treachery and
Dishonesty, these beasts as they lie
The lover’s only have
Hatred and courage to
Defeat the beasts
Longing for the reuniting
With the souls lost
With the taken, but not forgotten
Risking everything for love
Gaining everything for justice
Loving the lost
Hating the wretched
Fighting for love
Conquering the unspeakable…
So tortured was my poor, dim and
shredded soul
I thought nothing and no one could make
me whole
Depression and loneliness were smothering
my very being
Squeezing me so badly til my scarred heart
was bleeding
Lost and alone, even though my family was
near
Though I had a map that said, ‘You are
here.’
Ignoring all the signs of the smallest
glimpse of joy
I would only fall deeper into Hatred’s
devious ploy
Nothing could faze me or make me smile
I thought death would be the only way out
for a while
But then, I found out when two tortured
souls, as one, unite
There comes an end to the vicious fight
A ray of hope could be seen
Just the slightest first little gleam
To have the feeling of love again
Having some sense of something from life
to gain
I am going places once more
Now, my little soul was no longer dim and
poor
But rising to the stars and loving every
moment
I finally knew what cloud nine was and I
absorbed it
Finally being free…to soar.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Belief is the new anthem for my religion

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Believe in Love
Believe in Faith
Believe in Truth
Believe that no matter what happens, you
have the power to prevail
Believe in Strength
Believe in Courage
Believe in Honor
Believe that everyone has the power to be
good at heart
Believe in Song
Believe in Dance
Believe in Culture
Believe that no matter who you are or
where you’re from- everyone is unique
Believe in things you never would
Believe in doing things you never could
Believe in achievement
Believe that if you think you can, you can-
but if you think you can’t, you won’t.
Believe in the damned
Believe in the degenerate
Believe in the corrupted
Believe that evil does exist in many forms,
but all can be overcome
Believe in spiritual
Believe in holy
Believe in sacred
Believe that your personal values can never
be taken from you
Believe in madness
Believe in depression
Believe in suicide
Believe that one smile can save a life
Believe in magic
Believe in hope
Believe in dreams
Believe that the unbelievable happens
everyday
Believe in time
Believe in forever
Believe in YOU
Believe that as long as you believe in
yourself- anything is possible

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

For Annabelle

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Dear friend, come now and sit with me
So I may share my story with thee
Very long ago my poor love was taken
And even now, there is no mistaking
That she was my love…
Who is she?
You ask of me.
She is my darling one,
Taken when her life had just begun.
She was so sweet, she was so tender,
Her loving memory I still remember.
Hair of brown and eyes of the deepest wells of love,
All of this is true, that which I say to you.
Where is she now, you so want to know,
I know not where, as truth would go.
Far beyond and away again,
For true, she has committed no sin.
Innocent until she took her last breath,
She was an angel, even in death.
She goes now with peace and grace,
Living forever in such a pretty place.
Taking all my love alone with her,
So that nothing can harm her further.
She sleeps now on a bed as soft,
As angels sleep in heaven aloft.
A heavenly place, so stays my gaze,
Time is long since I have not been in this
haze.
Of death and dying,
I find myself tired of trying.
Thinking about the days of old,
Of only her, wanting her just to hold.
I love her, and there goes by not a day,
That for my love I do not pray.
To bring my darling back so soon,
To make me want to bow and her to
swoon.
I love someone who is now gone,
My little lamb, my gentle fawn.
But as she did lie there and die,
I begged my eyes not to cry.
But tears will fall, as they always do,
Again they fall anew.
As I recount this story to tell,
Of my sweetest love, my darling
Annabelle.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Drive yourself,down that road to nowhere

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Drive yourself,
Down that long narrow path,
That leads to the end of the road.
Go beyond the path,
And take the higher road.
Down its winding ways,
And treacherous turns.
Relax and feel the cool breeze,
Hear the smooth humming of the engine,
Smell the fresh, summer, night air,
And you’ll know when you’re there.
Your final destination,
Your end of the line.
Fear not of this place,
You know that you belong,
Here among your sisters (and brothers) ,
Amidst the wondrous starry night skies.
It is the beginning of the end,
But not the end of the beginning.
It is transcendence into a new era,
A time of peace, happiness, and joy.
Go now!
Be free!
And savour every last breath you take!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Wandering alone,till i find your tracks

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Wandering alone and confused
Thinking only of you
Loving every breath that you take
Every whisper that you make
Wanting to be near you
To feel your skin against mine
Joining as one eternal soul
Forever to be together
But you are gone away
So far away that I can no longer
Feel your presence with me
Fading more and more every passing
Moment that we are apart until
You are nothing but a memory
Held tight to my bosom
For fear of losing you entirely
My thoughts are with you for all time
And my heart has always belonged
Only to you
No matter the distance
No matter the cost
I will always love you and only you
Forever and always
As one soul, one life

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

This song take me to places I have never dreamed of going

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This song fills me with delight and a sense
of belonging
It allows me to close my eyes and forget
everything that is going on
To just relax
Her voice is intoxicating
More so than any shot of Tequila or Sneaky
Sweet treat
Though it is not a good song
Its is a song of regret of the loss of a love
Though I know that its melody is totally
surrounding me while it plays
It speaks of vampires and bad boys
Good girls who wait at home for the boys
who love them to call on them
And they never do
It allows me to free fall into a world
without chaos without madness and
without sorrow
I love the feeling of being weightless while
it plays to me
Singing sweetly to me and only me
Spreading though my body to my very soul
Completely lower level of consciousness
and totally wonderful
There is not a single moment of logic or
reason when I hear this melody sweeping
over me
All the anger flows from me like a poison
being drained from the fangs of a snake
The words don’t even matter, I don’t know
their true meaning
I can only take what truth I feel from them
There are some moments in life when
words aren’t needed
When pure emotions and cognition rule
The lower level involves no thinking
It is just feeling what u feel
Never asking why or how or when
It just seems to fall into place whenever
you feel those feelings so abundantly
If dying is anything like this
Sign me up I am ready to depart from this
world today
Leaving all the misery of my life behind
Taking with me only the good deeds that I
have done and the memory of my life
As it was in my eye not as it might have
been
Or could have been
An idealist point of view of the years I
have spent here on this bless`ed earth so
far
They have been good
But this song take me to places I have
never dreamed of going
Slow and full bodied by light and
Perpetuating the feeling of nothingness
and no one throughout the ages
Nothing but this feeling
I long for someone to feel the same
Though I fear that they are too upper level
That they think about the music too much
They have to feel the melody winding in
and out of their body
Taking away all that is horrid and absent
from their life
Making them the whole that they were
meant to be…as it does for me always!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

come,rob me,my friend

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Rob me of my sorrow,
Don’t leave me waiting til tomorrow.
Rob me of my agony,
Lead me away from this sky of ebony.
Rob me of my sanity,
Don’t give me any of your profanity.
Rob me of my life,
Make me bleed to make sure I’m alive!
Rob me of my pain,
I’m addicted to you like cocaine.
Rob me of my anguish,
Stab my heart so I can be vanquished.
Rob me of myself,
Lead me to the edge of the top shelf.
Rob me of my beat,
Pause me, Play me and then Repeat.
Rob me of my love,
Let me know that there is something far
above.
Rob me of my freedom,
Return me back to my kingdom.
Rob me of my inhibitions,
Drag me to the ground until I hit
extinction.
Rob me of my pride,
Sacrifice me and mine for the whole ride.
Rob me of my word,
Don’t deny what I say I absurd! !
Rob me of anything and everything true,
Never Rob me of you! !

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My paradise is untainted nature

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Come play with me
Oh youngest child of glee
Come frolic in the sun
Run and play with me for fun
Shall we dance and play all day long?
Until the moon and stars come along?
Then we will lay beneath the sky
Spending all night waiting to hear the
rooster’s cry
Thinking of all god’s beauty that we can see
And how lucky we are, we humans, to be so
free
From the restrictions of pure instinct
And to be able to endure and not to go
extinct
Traveling from coast to coast
Getting everything from this life-the
absolute most
Not worrying about only the bad
Or dwelling on the things that we might
have had
But enjoying the moment for all that its
worth
Looking up to our great and powerful
mother earth
Like you my beautiful child
Who looks at me with eyes so wild
Loving and following that feeling of
curiosity
Come what may
Stay blissful, joyous and gay
Do not trouble yourself with what
tomorrow may bring
Just relax, be in nature and don’t worry
about anything.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Countless times I have looked at you and seen our unborn children in your eyes and in your smile

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I love you more than Romeo loved his
Juliet
I love you more than the stars love the
ebony night sky
I love you more than the sun and moon
love to chase each other from the skies
I love you more than any man has ever
loved a woman
I love you more than anything in the whole
world
I know that one day I will truly love you
more
But until that day, you will know what I
mean when I say
I love you more
My love for you burns with the fire and
brilliance of a thousand suns
My heart erupts every time I:
Hear your voice
See your smile
Hear your name
Think of you…
Others have come before you
But they cannot hold a candle to you
You are my soul mate
My one true love
My better half
My love for you surpasses anything
Shakespeare could ever have imagined
When I think of our past, present, and most
of all our future
There is only hope and happiness
Loving you comes so easily
When we’re together our minds are as one
And I cannot help but to look into your
strong gorgeous eyes
Full of fascination and passion
I could stare into those pools of molten
desire for all eternity
Never looking away fearing that they would
lose their luster and radiance
Our love is far too strong to be shaken or
broken by happenstance
No force in Heaven or Hell could tear us
apart
Countless times I have looked at you and
seen our unborn children in your eyes and
in your smile
There is no escaping our love
It follows me into my dreams at night
Ever since we met
I have had this blissful wonderful feeling all
the time
The simple fact is:
Our love knows no bounds
It is powerful and relentless
Its flame cannot be extinguished
Its like kerosene burning on water- so hot
there is no antidote
It broke free of the chains of conformity
long ago
Unconventional? Perhaps
By my love is insatiable-never having
enough-constantly overflowing
Now there is nothing- and no one- but you
and me.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

As I lie here,dying….

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Lying here alone and dying
Thinking of some things as if pondering
I find myself thinking of death
One that comes so swiftly
Tomorrow shall I die?
Truly one cannot dwell on such a thought
Or else she go completely mad
But ‘tis thought of nonetheless
A fleeting thought in my life, so far
A roller coaster on top of a hill
Ready to plummet down at a moments
notice
A small ember burning and flickering
You know its there
But its hidden away.
Shall I die as soon as today?
This thought can make one cherish every
kiss,
So sweet and tender
To love every touch
And to savor every taste
Remember every passing moment or
conversation
Finding beauty in the mundane
Our own mortality is a powerful hindrance
To living life to the fullest as we think we
should.
How do we measure our lives?
On success or wealth?
On loved ones or time spent?
All of these are truly worthless in the
afterlife
Because after we’re gone, it is only a
memory
So leave the good ones
And forget the bad
Remember people places and things
That hold a deep place in your heart and
soul
Bind them to you and keep them forever
Remember them as you would want to be
remembered.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

In your presence

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When I am with you
My soul takes flight
Soaring to impossible heights
Something I never knew existed
Showing me things I thought could never
be
I owe all that I have learned to you
Falling into a sort of balance
Gazing out into the immense nothingness
With a renewed sense of self and what is
real
I’ve tried doing it in the past
Trying to deny how I feel
Failing horribly every time
Bit by bit, I fall slave to your hypnotic
presence
Changing and spinning out of control
With never a feeling in loss or
abandonment
Just a sense of connectedness with
everything
Locked in this unimaginable swirling of
emotions
Becoming ruled by the lower level
A clustered mass of never ending freedom
An ecstasy that rivals cloud nine
Falling deeper and deeper….
In love with you
Every part of you wanting to turn back but
not being strong enough to hold out for
the end to come,
Bringing sweet serenity and peace
Forever more to my world of chaos and
hatred.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My Wordless Story

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My story is one without words.
All of these lines that cross my face,
Tell you the story of who I am,
So many stories of where I’ve been,
And how I got to where I am.

My laugh lines tell you of the joys I’ve had,
The many things that my heart rejoices in,
The treasured memories of places and people,
Who have made my life an enjoyable enterprise.

My calloused hands tell you a story of the things I’ve worked for in my life,
Many hot days under the sun toiling for my daily bread.
My hands are not soft,
My life has not always been soft,
But my bruised hands tell you that I’ve not taken the challenges of this life lying down.

My stooping shoulders tell you a story of burdens I’ve had to carry in my life,
The many friends too who have had a shoulder to lean on,
And the many lean times that have literally weighed down on my shoulders.
My shoulders tell your a word less story about my life.

My greying hair tell you a story of the many blessed years God has given me on this earth,
To live my life and see all the changes,
From my childhood to the prime of my life.
My greying hair tells you a story spread across time,
till this present moment.

My scars tell you a story about the many fights I’ve had in life,
And the fact that the scars have healed,
Means that i triumphed over all of
my battles,
and emerged as a persistent victor,
and a fighter who never walks away,
from a fight done for a worthy cause.

Yes.

If you look closely,you will know the story of my life,
Though i’m not gifted in telling my story through words,
My persona tells you my word less story,
In the best way that a poet can tell a story,
About me,and my life!

But these stories don’t mean anything,
When you’ve got no way to tell them,
When you have no words to tell them,
But i’m glad that my story is already told,
Without words,
And without an audience to hear them.

This is my story,
This is my life,
Though I’ve no specific person to share it with,
It has been told,
That which was very difficult to do,
Is already done,
Without saying a single word!

To all the girls I wrote to in high school who never replied, I hope you are still proud of your heartlessness!

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“I wanna hear your heartbeat,
In the darkness,
Every day of my life;
I wanna heart your heartbeat,
In the darkness(beating),next to mine!”
~Don Williams

I loved music during my High School days; I love music even more now,in my old age.

It is one love that I’ve not outgrown through all these years….

There was a time when seduction played out paper, not on Facebook or WhatsApp; when men wrote letters on stationary perfumed by cheap brands like Yolanda and sent them with a metaphorical kiss.

They were so cool we didn’t call them letters, we called them ‘missives’. We
even purchased stationary with love hearts printed on them, or flowers, that we thought fit for the purpose.

We then spent half our night- time preps writing these letters in black ink. This
kind of writing was arduous and precise because you didn’t have the benefit of the backspace, which means if you erred on the fifth paragraph, you had to start the letter afresh on a fresh piece of stationary. You wrote things like: ‘You make my heart go boom / food tastes like murram when I think about how you sung during that CU outing / your smile is like the full moon, and now it keeps my heart bright during these cold nights studying nomenclature in bio / I can’t wait to see you again because I’m the luckiest man in the world.’

Then you sent the letter with your photo
enclosed – the only photo in which you were wearing a clean school shirt. Letters would take a week to get there and another week to come back, assuming she was so taken by your lyrics that she wrote back immediately. But then you
would wait and wait and at some point you would realise you aren’t the luckiest man in the world and that in place of the full moon smile that shone in your heart, there now lived darkness.

Oh, with the level of heartbreak some
of us endured in high school, it’s a wonder that we even finished that race.

The art of writing letters to women is dead. I mean proper letters in envelopes. I miss licking the sticky side of an envelope. (How safe was that, anyway?) The thrill was not even in writing the letter with the cheesy poetry, it was in
waiting for a reply.

Sometimes you would wait and wait and think that maybe the klutzy form one Letter Boy in charge of distributing the
letters lost your letter in a heap. So you would write another one full of poetry and enclose another picture of yourself in a clean, borrowed shirt and still, she wouldn’t reply! Love was tough in high school. Hell, love is still tough.

Now it comes in the form of an ignored blue tick.

There is very good written song by Don
Williams who just passed on called If
Hollywood Don’t Need You. It’s one of my
favourites. I stole a lot from Don’s lyrics. This song starts with him telling this girl who left him to go to Hollywood that, “While you know I’m not much good at writing letters, so I gave up and decided that I’d call…/ There isn’t much news to tell you, things back here never seemed
to change at all / I hope you made the big time / I hope your dreams come true / But if Hollywood don’t need you, honey I still do / Lately we don’t cut up like we used to (with his mates) / Cause all that I think about is you / I know this is what
you’ve always wanted / but I know now that all I want is you.”

Boy, did I love that jam! I stole it and mutilated it and turned it into mine. And boy, did it fall flat with those girls! I guess I imagined that the girls would read it in Don William’s gentle voice.

They obviously read it in my squeaky voice. Oh well, this was supposed to be a tribute to Don Williams for dominating my pre-teens and now in my old age with great poetry and great lyrics. To all the girls I wrote to in high school who never replied, I hope you are still proud of your heartlessness!

If I had all the world, it should be yours

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I love you with that tenderness of spirit, that purity of truth, that sincerity of heart, that I could sacrifice the nearest friends or interests I have on earth barely to please you.

If I had all the world, it should be yours; for with it I could but be miserable, were you not mine.

In short, you will quickly become to me the greatest blessing or the greatest curse that ever man was doomed to.

Oh, if I could but burn into your spirit the deep –the true meaning which I attach to those three syllables underlined! But, alas! The effort is all in vain and ‘I live and die unheard.

And now, in the most simple words I can
command, let me paint to you the impression made upon me by your personal presence.

As you entered the room, pale, hesitating, and evidently oppressed at heart; as your eyes rested for one
brief moment upon mine, I felt, for the first time in my life, and tremblingly acknowledged, the existence of spiritual influences altogether out of the reach of the reason.

I would comfort you – soothe you – tranquillize you. You would rest from care – from all worldly perturbation.

You would get better and finally well.

And if not Daisy – if you died – then, at
least, I would clasp your dear hands in death, and willingly – oh, joyfully – joyfully go down with you into the night of the grave.

From that hour I have never been able to shake from my soul the belief that my Destiny, for good or for evil, either here or hereafter, is in some measure interwoven with your own.

All thoughts – all passions seem now merged in that one consuming desire – the mere wish to make you comprehend – to make you see that for which there is no human voice – the unutterable fervor of my love for you.

So,say to me those coveted words that would turn Earth into Heaven.

My love has made me selfish. I cannot exist without you. I am forgetful of everything but seeing you again; my Life seems to stop there; I see no further. You have absorbed me. I have a sensation at the present moment as though I was
dissolving: I should be exquisitely miserable without the hope of soon seeing you.

I love you ever and ever and without reserve. The more I have known you the more have I loved. In every way, — even my jealousies have been agonies of Love; in the hottest fit I ever had I would have died for you.

I have been astonished that men could die Martyrs for religion, — I have shuddered at it. I shudder no more; I could be martyred for my Religion, — love is my religion, — I could die for
that. I could die for you.

This union is love – genuine, complete love, such as few men can imagine. It is a love which is a religion, since the object of love is regarded as a divinity, with all the devotion and affection which turn the greatest sacrifices into the sublimest joys.
Such a love you inspire in me, and such a love you will someday feel for me, although to my sorrow you do not feel it now. Your soul is incapable of an angelic love. It may be, therefore, that only an angel can inspire such a love.

Yes, I am your husband, your defender, protector, slave. On the day that I lose that conviction I shall have ceased to live, because my life will have lost its foundation. You are the only person to whom I can confide the desire, hope, and love that is within me – my soul itself.

I am in such haste that I know not what I write, but I do know that I love you more tenderly than ever, that the pain of this separation was necessary to convince me how very dear you are to me, and that I would give at this moment half my existence for the pleasure of embracing you again, and telling you with my own lips how well I love you.

Daisy,I only know that heaven watches over fools like me who spend all their life just being devoted to loving you!

In life, gradually, our desires change…

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Have you ever said to yourself,”this too shall come to pass”?

Did you find it liberating,just saying those words in the midst of a ‘storm in your life’?

When we are young or just naïve,we believe that we can change the
things around us in accordance with our
desires—we believe it because otherwise
we can see no other favourable outcome from our own desire.
We do not think of the outcome which
generally comes to pass and is also
favourable: When we do not succeed in
changing things in accordance with our
desires, gradually our desires
change.

The situation that we hoped to change because it was intolerable becomes unimportant to us.

We have failed to surmount the obstacle, as we were absolutely determined to do, but life has taken us round it, led us beyond it, and then if we turn round to gaze into the distance of the past, we can barely see it, so imperceptible has it become.

And that is what we generally call fate:
Sometimes fate is like a small
sandstorm that keeps changing
directions.
You change direction but the sandstorm chases you.
You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn.

Why?

Because this storm isn’t something that
blew in from far away, something that
has nothing to do with you.

This storm is you.

Something inside of you.

So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand
doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step
by step.

There’s no sun there, no moon,no direction, no sense of time.

Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized dry bones.

That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it
through that violent, metaphysical,
symbolic storm.

No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades.

People will bleed there, and you
will bleed too. Hot, red blood.

You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won’t
remember how you made it through,how you managed to survive.

You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain:
When you come out of the storm you
won’t be the same person who walked
in. That’s what this storm of change is all about.

And when you are going through this storm of change in your desires,the most important things are the hardest to say.

They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out.

But it’s more than that, isn’t it?

The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away.

And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it.

That’s the worst, I think.

When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.

Even love cannot escape the storm of change.

You think because she doesn’t love you
that you are worthless.

You think that because she doesn’t want you anymore that she is right — that her judgement and opinion of you are correct.

If she throws you out, then you are garbage.

You think she belongs to you because you
want to belong to her.

Don’t.

It’s a bad word, ‘belong.’

Especially when you put it with somebody you love.

Love shouldn’t be like that.

Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain?

They circle all around it; sometimes you can’t even see the mountain for the clouds.

But you know what?

You go up top and what do you see? Mountain’s head.

The clouds never cover the head.

The head pokes through, beacuse the clouds let it; they don’t wrap it up.

They let the mountain keep its head
up high, free, with nothing to hide it
or bind it,except when seen from a distance.

You can’t own a human being.

And so You can’t lose what you don’t own.

Suppose you did own her.

Could you really love somebody who was
absolutely nobody without you?

You really want somebody like that?
Somebody who falls apart when you
walk out the door?

You don’t, do you?
And neither does she.

You’re turning over your whole life to her. Your whole life, to a girl.

And if it means so little to you that
you can just give it away, hand it to her,
then why should it mean any more to
her?

She can’t value you more than you
value yourself.

I think we are well-advised to keep on
nodding terms with the people we used
to be, whether we find them attractive
company or not. Otherwise they turn up
unannounced and surprise us, come
hammering on the mind’s door at 4 a.m.
of a bad night and demand to know who
deserted them, who betrayed them, who
is going to make amends. We forget all
too soon the things we thought we could
never forget. We forget the loves and the
betrayals alike, forget what we
whispered and what we screamed,
forget who we were.

I once loved a pretty girl,who was far beyond my league.

And tore my heart apart.

I wanted so badly to lie down next to
her on the couch, to wrap my arms
around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in
those movies. Not even have sex. Just
sleep together in the most innocent
sense of the phrase. But I lacked the
courage and she had a boyfriend and I
was gawky and she was gorgeous and I
was hopelessly boring and she was
endlessly fascinating. So I walked back
to my room and collapsed on the bottom
bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I
was drizzle and she was hurricane.

But I tried, didn’t I? Goddamnit, at least
I did that.

But it too came to pass.

And like many other storms in my life, it didn’t kill me.

So if you are going to try anything in this life,If you’re going to try, go all the way.
Otherwise, don’t even start. This could
mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives
and maybe even your mind. It could
mean not eating for three or four days.
It could mean freezing on a park bench.
It could mean jail. It could mean
derision. It could mean mockery–
isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the
others are a test of your endurance, of
how much you really want to do it. And,
you’ll do it, despite rejection and the
worst odds. And it will be better than
anything else you can imagine. If you’re
going to try, go all the way. There is no
other feeling like that. You will be alone
with the gods, and the nights will flame
with fire. You will ride life straight to
perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight
there is.
Like a girl I met who kept saying-..
But I’m going to be very careful if I ever fall in love again;
I will be very careful the next time I fall
in love, she told herself. Also, she had
made a promise to herself that she
intended on keeping. She was never
going to go out with another writer: no
matter how charming, sensitive,
inventive or fun they could be. They
weren’t worth it in the long run. They
were emotionally too expensive and the
upkeep was complicated. They were like
having a vacuum cleaner around the
house that broke all the time and only
Einstein could fix it. She wanted her next
lover to be a broom.

Usually we walk around constantly
believing ourselves. “I’m okay” we say.
“I’m alright”. But sometimes the truth
arrives on you and you can’t get it off.
That’s when you realize that sometimes
it isn’t even an answer–it’s a question.
Even now, I wonder how much of my life
is convinced.

Reality too,actually, changes through the storms of our lifes.

I never believed in Santa Claus. None of
us kids did. Mom and Dad refused to let
us. They couldn’t afford expensive
presents and they didn’t want us to think
we weren’t as good as other kids who, on
Christmas morning, found all sorts of
fancy toys under the tree that were
supposedly left by Santa Claus.
Dad had lost his job at the gypsum, and
when Christmas came that year, we had
no money at all. On Christmas Eve, Dad
took each one of us kids out into the
desert night one by one.
“Pick out your favorite star”, Dad said.
“I like that one!” I said.
Dad grinned, “that’s Venus”, he said. He
explained to me that planets glowed
because reflected light was constant and
stars twinkled because their light
pulsed.
“I like it anyway” I said.
“What the hell,” Dad said. “It’s
Christmas. You can have a planet if you
want.”
And he gave me Venus.
Venus didn’t have any moons or
satellites or even a magnetic field, but it
did have an atmosphere sort of similar
to Earth’s, except it was super hot-about
500 degrees or more. “So,” Dad said,
“when the sun starts to burn out and
Earth turns cold, everyone might want to
move to Venus to get warm. And they’ll
have to get permission from your
descendants first.
We laughed about all the kids who
believed in the Santa myth and got
nothing for Christmas but a bunch of
cheap plastic toys. “Years from now,
when all the junk they got is broken and
long forgotten,” Dad said, “you’ll still
have your stars.

Love is not real; Love is turning away from the reality

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How do you know how to love? Did you sit
wide-eyed in front a large screen as
colourful costumed characters hugged one
another to a saccharine sound-track so this
imbued you with the concept of what love
was? Did those cartoon characters explain
to you what it is to love? Did their
exaggerated voices and crazy antics,
followed by the moral of the story teach you
what love is? Perhaps you read about it in
love, heard it in songs and studied the many
ways in which this ultimate emotion
appears and affects people. Chances are
that you have been affected by those hugely
affecting passages from the great works
dedicated to love. Chances are you have
been captured by haunting lyrics and catchy
jingles which also profess to tell you what
love is. They have all played a part. You may
have learned about love from the version
churned out by the media, of Hollywood
romance, dashing heroes, fair maidens,
tarts with golden hearts, the good man who
rides to the rescue, the wayward soul saved
by love. Love may have been explained to
you from the pulpit as a higher love,
something which transcends all earthly
manifestations, a love so powerful and
complete that it sacrificed its only son in
order to demonstrate its love for
humankind. This godly love is all around
you, it touches each and all and is mighty in
its effects. Love may have been learned
from furtive fumbles down alleyways,
sneaking into bedrooms when so young, the
exploration of warm and urgent body parts
accompanied by those every so sincere
protestations of love. A haphazard journey
through galloping teen years as nothing and
everything makes sense all at once. Then
again, love might have appeared to you in
the form of something small and furry, an
unconditional (so long as it was fed) love
which was loyal, giving and ever so cute. So
many erudite tutors, learned lecturers and
wise proponents of what love is. Love thy
neighbour, love yourself, love is all you
need, woman in love, it must have been
love, crazy little thing called love, to know
him is to love him, we found love, how deep
is your love? Love is all around us, in us,
between us, lifting us up and letting us
down. It is everywhere and you may well
have been taught by many of the above and
more besides as to what love is.
However, love most likely will have been
taught to you by those who created you,
those two people who came together and
through their own pleasure created you.
Two people who decided that they would
shoulder the responsibility of creating life,
nurturing it and bringing a new person into
the world. Those two people accepted
many, many responsibilities from such a
decision and act. Chief among them was
the responsibility of teaching that person
what love is. Through their offices they have
furnished each and every one of us with the
notion of what love is. A deep-seated and
visceral understanding of this is how love
feels, this is what it looks like, this is what it
sounds like. This is love. From those two
people more than anything else we are first
grounded in the concept of what love is.
This grounding lasts a considerable time
and whilst there are other factors to be
considered, as I have mentioned above, it is
this lesson which is learnt invariably first
and the one lesson which resonates beyond
all others. So often we are in their hands
when it comes to being taught about love.
So, what is this taught love? It has so many,
many facets.
Love is being told to never trust anybody.
Love is being made to re-write the entire
essay because of one spelling mistake.
Love is being sent to stand outside on a cold
winter’s day until all three verses of Ode to
Autumn are recited correctly.
Love is knowing nothing is ever good
enough.
Love is understanding that someone else
knows better than you what is best for you.
Love is turning away from the reality.
Love is standing straight against a wall for
several hours for speaking out of turn.
Love is for the weak.
Love is being told that when I am gone
nobody else will look out for you.
Love is succeeding.
Love is building a wall as high as possible.
Love is trying until it hurts and gaining that
final curt nod of approval.
Love is being seen and not heard.
Love is fulfilling your potential and securing
that legacy.
Love is hurting you even though it hurts
me, but someone in this household has to
do it and it won’t be him will it?
Love is reading to yourself than being read
to.
Love is living in the shadows and hoping not
to be noticed.
Love is being the best.
Love is the preserve of the powerful.
Love is being denied a birthday party
because the other children are too stupid.
Love is being undermined in order to
prevent conceit.
Love is a begrudged recognition and the
injunction to try harder, go further, climb
higher, run faster, study longer.
Love is burning your hand but not crying.
Love is don’t tell anybody about our secret.
Love is a righteous beating.
Love is being distant and pretending things
never happened.
Love is being sent away.
Love is not being told.
Love is splendid isolation.
Love was taught this way.
Love is embracing chaos that spring from our primal lust.
Love is after all,only a taught construct in our minds!

We’re each a negligible part of a vast cosmic entity, and there really is something beautiful about that if you choose to see it for what it is

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We all experience the world like we are at the center of reality.

We think and we feel in relation to how our senses absorb information and how this information mingles with our personal memories. The subjective perception created by these interactions provides the illusion of importance.

We forget that this perception only exists in our minds and that everyone near us is walking around under exactly the same psychological mindset.
In truth, we’re just one of billions, and over the course of history, everything about us is insignificant. Even people like Newton and Einstein, who we revere for their contributions to humanity, are only slightly less insignificant.

Our universe contains one septillion stars (a one followed by 24 zeroes) and a lot of these stars contain many, many more modes of dust that we call planets. If any of us ceased to exist tomorrow, little would change beyond the subjective emotional states of the people in our immediate circles.

Earth would continue its orbit, and the laws of physics would remain in tact. We’re nothing more than a fraction of a ripple in an infinite sea of entropy.

The Purpose of Life Is to Be a Nobody
We’re nothing more than a fraction of a ripple in an infinite sea of entropy. Unsplash
Many of us don’t like hearing this. It conflicts with the story our mind tells.

We’re brought up to think that we’re special, and we like believing it. But I don’t say any of this as a cynic or to depress you. In fact, quite the opposite. I say it because distinguishing between our subjective perception and the objective reality is the key to living a meaningful and important life.

Acknowledging unimportance liberates us from the grips of the self-centered voice in our head that’s chiefly responsible for many of life’s difficulties.

It’s the voice that compares us to people that don’t matter, it’s the same voice that convinces us that we’re entitled to a comfortable and easy life, and it’s indeed this voice that has us chasing arbitrary measures of success.

And the result?

We spend our time acquiring things we don’t want or need, we falter at the first sign of hardship and inconvenience, and one day, we wake up to a ticking clock realizing that, all this time, we’ve lived somebody else’s life.

The surest way to be unfilled is to walk around like you hold some sort of a privileged position in the universe. It’s not only a completely false and harmful illusion, but it also overlooks the fringe benefits of being a nobody.

I’d like to walk you through them.

1. Being a nobody allows us to truly experience and appreciate the profoundness of the sublime.

In 1757, Edmund Burke published one of the most influential works in aesthetics. It’s a branch of philosophy that deals with the nature of beauty.

In it, he separated sensory experiences into The Beautiful and The Sublime.

We’re all familiar with The Beautiful. It can be summarized by the standard definition. We see it every day in the things we find stunning and pleasant. The Sublime, however, is different. It’s more than just visually enticing. It’s overwhelming. It makes us feel small, and it has the power to engorge us.

It’s found when we are in awe at the might of nature, it’s experienced in the emotion of love, and it’s discovered when we are compelled by a great work of art. It’s a heightened sense of existence beyond comfort and normalcy.

The Purpose of Life Is to Be a Nobody
Every day we see things we find stunning and pleasant. Unsplash
To fully indulge in The Sublime, we have to give up a part of ourselves. We are forced to accept a degree of inferiority for a connection to something greater. The risk of vulnerability is balanced by the reward of ecstasy.

No one is immune from experiencing this wonder, but an ego and a deep sense of personal importance get in the way. They seek ecstasy without accepting vulnerability, and they then find themselves cornered with fear.

There is nothing desirable about it. It leads to a kind of paralysis that steals the potential of experiencing some of the great joys in life. It may be masked with humor or rationality, but in truth, it’s nothing more than insecurity.

Being a nobody, you don’t have this problem. You accept that you’re already naked, so you may as well put it on display to try and gain something.

More often than not, you do.

2. Being a nobody frees us from the irrational pressures and expectations of an uncertain world.

We live our lives guided by labels and hierarchies. It’s how we make sense of a complex reality. That said, these labels and hierarchies aren’t absolute.

A tree isn’t a tree because a law of nature has defined it as a tree. It’s a tree because our cognitive brains have learned to understand it as such. It’s our way of translating sensory noise into a mode of organization that’s useful.

This is a crucial distinction. Our observation of reality is an approximation confined by the boundaries of language. It’s uncertain and in large part unpredictable. As the late Nobel Laureate Albert Camus noted, we live to reason with an unreasonable world and it often leads to a conflicted life.

When you bind these labels and hierarchies too closely to your identity, you anchor your expectations to things that are fundamentally fragile.

The Purpose of Life Is to Be a Nobody
Our observation of reality is an approximation confined by the boundaries of language. Unsplash
If you gain your worth from being a CEO and the fact that you wield a degree of power in the context of a business, rather than, say, from intrinsic values, then you will eventually find yourself in a position of conflict.

Life isn’t concerned with your artificial sense of importance. At some point, there will be a divergence between the story you tell yourself and the cold, hard reality. Your net worth won’t matter, and the fall will be much steeper.

When you are a nobody, however, you don’t pretend that a label — whether good or bad — is anything more than a figment of our collective imagination. You liberate yourself from many of the petty societal pressures of existence.

You may still assume a certain role with pride, but knowing that it doesn’t make you any more or less important grounds you on a firmer foundation.

It’s a small mental shift that makes a big difference.

3. Being a nobody gives us the humility to realize that it’s our struggles that define us, not our desires.

When we convince ourselves that we’re more special than what the universe dictates, we tend to develop a sense of entitlement about what life owes us.

We choose to believe the surface-level stories about what happiness and success look like, and we are quick to think that they don’t cost a thing.

The harsh truth is that the universe doesn’t owe anyone anything. It’s utterly indifferent to what you or I want. It exists as it does based on the forces that act on it, and to shape an outcome in our favor, it’s on us to pick our battles.

It’s fine and well to want an amazing career, but walking around with the assumption that you deserve one won’t get you there. It’s the price that you are willing to pay that will. It’s that initial unrewarded work and those long, long hours of blood and sweat and tears with no end in sight that will.

The Purpose of Life Is to Be a Nobody
The harsh truth is that the universe doesn’t owe anyone anything. Unsplash
To accept such struggles, it takes humility. It requires you to acknowledge that you’re just like everybody else that wants a great job, a wonderful relationship, and consistent happiness. Your desires aren’t unique.

It means that you accept that the difference isn’t in what you want, but in what you are willing to suffer for. It’s about the trade-offs you’re willing to endure, the beatings you’re willing to take, and it’s about knowing that in spite of all of that, the fruits of your labor may still not amount to anything.

It’s about boldly staring life in the face and having the courage to say,

“I might not be much, and I know I won’t always get what I want, but it sure as hell doesn’t mean that I won’t try.”

And that, ultimately, is the purpose of life. To try and see reality in its true form and then to do what you can to shape it into what you wish it were.

You’re already a nobody, and as am I. We’re not owed anything. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we can focus on the things we can change. And there’s a lot we can change. It’s not easy, but that’s precisely why it’s valuable.

We’re each a negligible part of a vast cosmic entity, and there really is something beautiful about that if you choose to see it for what it is.

The Profile of a Deadbeat Dad

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You don’t become a father unless a woman is kind enough to grant you the honour of siring a child with her(not so in case of rape!).

Then she throws you on a tail spin.
The mother of this child then becomes
difficult to live with.

She makes financial and emotional demands you cannot meet.
You start seeing you have no future as a couple.

You separate.

You demand to spend time with your daughter, to bond with her like
father and daughter but mother would
have none of it.

She demands you pay bride wealth to her parents and take her a wife.

She insists you visit the altar and sign the
dotted lines.

You prevaricate, being in severe financial
straits.

But you send money to her frequently for the child’s upkeep.

You also send money to members of her family to help keep in good stead.

Her demands increase.

You long to see your daughter frequently.

She baulks and becomes increasingly abusive.

She isn’t working so she needs more financial assistance from you.

You begin to think she considers you an ATM; as such, available to her beck and call to be skimmed for cash.

You resists her onslaught.

You get vilified and ostracised.

You are banished from seeing your daughter.

You are a deadbeat dad, a worthless sperm donor, a no-do-gooder creating toxic cellular mayhem in society
at large.

You re-trace your steps, seek
rapprochement with her and her family.

She does not relent in her demands.

You have to provide this, that and the other for the child or else…

You call in Social Services to intervene.

They plead with her to be reasonable.

She curses, cries, gnashes her teeth and insists her demands be met.

They tell her she’s trying the father’s patience.

They wonder how you can manage to have so much patience.

Both mother and father leave
Social Services unresolved.

You call your child to say I love you.

The child,in a rehearsed voice says she despises you and drops the
phone.

What can the mother be feeding
the child, you ask? She’s only four
years old. Where is she learning hatred
from?

You continue to rack your brain to no
avail.

You remain undecided as to how to solve the problem.

Sometimes,the mother allows you to speak with their child. Sometimes
she doesn’t.

Your requests for visits are met
with the same attitude.

The child remains ambivalent towards you, wavering between love and hate.

You fear her young mind is being poisoned.

Your heart breaks over the mental
manipulation.

Perhaps you’d better withdraw completely to spare everyone further heartache.

Sometimes you do not call or visit for months.

You fear you are becoming what you had always dreaded most : a deadbeat dad.

The years drift by.

The mother insists you can’t want the child and not want her too.

This is a serious bone of contention.

You must desire her enough in order to be with yourr child.

She refuses to budge from her demands that you pay ‘damages’,
Bride wealth and sign the dotted lines with her.
You have long since stopped loving her.
She senses this and uses your child as a
pawn.

You feel helpless and resent the
situation.

You eventually cave in to this
helplessness.

You drift away from your
child.

Their child becomes a young woman
full of resentment for you.

You had abandoned her.

You failed to fight for her.

You haven’t been there at the crucial
moments of her life.
Her mind had been filled with bitter tales
about your absence.

Your absence is both a life sentence and an indictment.
Nothing can assuage the pain, the sense
of betrayal and abandonment.

To her, her mother,and the rest of the world, you will always be, and remain a deadbeat dad.

If i ever find love again

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Where can I go, when all the roads I take they never lead me home
Hey yo
I miss you so, but I’m used to seeing people come and go

Yeah, I’ve made mistakes
Next time, I swear I’ll change

When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll be much better than the man I used to be
When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll have a better plan for us

Hey yo
I’m not ashamed, ’cause everybody has a heart that’s made to break
Hey yo
Don’t be afraid, ’cause you’re only getting stronger from the pain

Yeah I’ve made mistakes
Next time, I swear I’ll change

When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll be much better than the man I used to be
When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll have a better plan for us
Yeah, you and me

Yeah, I’ve made mistakes
Next time, I swear I’ll change

When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll be much better than the man I used to be
When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll have a better plan for us
Yeah, you and me

When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll be much better than the man I used to be
When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll have a better plan for us

When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll be much better than the man I used to be
When I find love again, when I find love again
I’ll have a better plan for us

Memories of a Wonderful Christmas; a dance with Lena

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I had no plans for this Christmas day,long ago,back on my college days.

I kept my lonely self busy listening to Christmas carols playing on the radio.

Suddenly,I was disturbed by a soft knock on my door.

I hurried to the door,and when I opened it,a girl who was gradually growing into a beautiful woman,was standing on the threshold: She was my Lena,a half-woman,and a half girl, pouting her seductive lips as an invitation for a silent kiss!

Her black skirt suit fitted her blossoming figure smoothly,gloss cheeks and her sexy eyes poring shyly through my shocked senses.

She was not disconcerted by my embarrassment;my room was in disarray,I was not expecting a visitor.

She looked about her with naïve curiosity that always turned me on,I remembered so well during our first sleep over in my place.

You were not expecting me,Ben,but here I am-she said as she took off her jacket and sat more at ease in her blouse,of some soft,flimsy silk,on my bed.

Her face dimpled into a shy smile,and her hand reached out to tuning dial on my radio,searching,for what I came to realise in a moment,dance music station.

She rose ,and held out her hand for me,a shell shocked figure of a man,being led on,as always,by this beautiful girl.

To dance with Lena on Christmas day,or any other day, was like coming home,riding on the crest of a tame ocean tide.

She moved without exertion,rather lazily,
Her hand often tapped the rhythm of the music playing on my radio, softly on my shoulder.

She only smiled if I spoke to her,but seldom answered.

The music seemed to put her into a soft trance,and her eyes looked sleepily and confidingly at me from her cute lashes.

Whenever she sighed,she always exhaled a fragrant breath of pepper mint that drove me insane,and I only remedied this with a return of a wild kiss.

She danced every dance like a waltz,a waltz of coming home to the best romance that I ever had,of inevitable Christmas rapture.

With Lena,every dance was always a new adventure of subtle seduction,a return to a new place in my heart that has always been reserved for her.

And at the end of every dance,after her fingers stopped tapping the rhythm of music on my shoulders,she ran them through my hair,waiting for the next song that would play on my little transistor radio,and call us again to the dance floor of my small bachelor pad.

I have always dreamed of Lena.

One dream I dream many times over during Christmas,and is always the same dream; I’m lying on grass under a mango tree that grew in my childhood home. Lena is coming across barefoot in a short skirt,with her long dancing legs hoovering over my face.

She squats on her heels beside me with a soft sigh and says; “now,they are all gone Ben,and I can kiss you as much as you want,on this Christmas day!”.

Lena has left something warm and friendly in my heart that runs through all my Christmases.

If there were no girls like Lena in this world,there would be no poetry,and Christmas would always be another dull day me: this revelation seems to me inestimably precious,and I always cling to it every Christmas day as if it might suddenly vanish.

As I sit all by myself this Christmas day,I know that my old dream will come to me again,like a precious memory of that actual experience many years ago,floating like a picture page on some glamorous magazine,with Lena whispering softly on my ears; “”now,they are all gone Ben,and I can kiss you as much as you want,on this Christmas day!”.

Merry Christmas,2015,every one!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

So my (Ex)girlfriend kissed a girl!

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,


So my woman passionately kissed a girl on the mouth.

It didn’t break my heart; it broke all the faith I had in women as soul mates.

I didn’t hear about it on the grapevine; I saw it one night as I drove to her place.

As I parked, i noticed them, right there
under the street lamp in the deserted cranny of a peripheral University Campus estate, two women, washed over by a beam of light coming from above them, their shadows
cast far out into the wet road.

I knew it was my (now Ex)girlfriend – I can tell the shape of my woman in any light or darkness– I could tell how her butt juts out like that, as if struggling to divorce itself entirely from the rest of her body.

At first, in alarm, I thought that the other
figure was a guy, and I instinctively slowed the car down to a crawl and as I drew nearer.

I squinted and saw with surprise (and relief) that it was actually a girl.

She was taller (than her, and me).

She was wearing some sort of running tights and a sweater through which large breasts rose triumphantly on her chest.

With one hand she held my woman around the waist and with the other, the back of her head in that firm, half manly, half womanly, fashion.

It seemed tender, yet enslaving in a sinful way at the same time.

That hand on her neck seemed to say, “You are mine. That rogue of a man you call your boyfriend will never love you as passionately as I do now,at this present moment”.

My woman looked all together succumbed and submissive to this tall manly looking slender girl, resigned in a docile way I have never quite seen before in her demeanour.

She seemed completely owned by this
strange woman.

It was unbelievable to me,knowing she was a mother of a toddler from her previous relationship.

Clustered together under that street lamp, they looked like two last humans left behind after a catastrophic apocalypse, desperately clinging
onto what’s left of their humanity.

It didn’t look romantic,like it would look if it were between a man and a woman; it looked ominous, desperate, desolate,a cannibalistic sort of union.

Later she walked into her kitchen to find me fixing a drink (Lord knows I needed
something stiff). “Hey,” she said.

I poured her a glass of her regular tetra pack Sherry that I always brought along for her as she unwound the scarf
around her neck.

She said she had been out to clear her head.

“The long walk always does me a lot of good,I had to have one just waiting for you” she added, taking her wine from my hand and kissing me on the mouth.

Her lips tasted of dirty rainwater.

Have you ever slipped and fell face down into a roadside gutter after the rain tasting the muddy water in the ditch?

That’s how her mouth tasted in my mind.

She took a sip and stared into her glass, as if looking at her reflection, or choosing the right words to say something.

I leaned on the kitchen counter and stared
at her.

Her sharp chin and sparkling eyes and her long hair, now wet, falling around her face, making her look like one of those gypsies I read about in books.

“I didn’t know you like girls as well,” I said.

She sighed, and I could have sworn I felt
the sigh coming before she actually let it out.

That statement hung in her kitchen air like dawn fog; solid and weighty, like it
can anchor a small steamer ship.

She looked up and held my gaze for a while before bringing her glass to her lips.

I patiently rattled my ice cubes in my glass of whisky, intrigued, curious. “I don’t know what to say,” she mumbled, finally. “It’s just one of those things that happen and you can’t explain… you are a guy, you wouldn’t understand. I don’t expect you to… but I’m straight,that’s why you are here with me now. I was just curious, OK?”

Her statement was much more painful than a physical castration on my manhood.

Then she sat her glass on the counter and crossed her arms around her chest, like she was shivering, and looked at me with a question mark on her chin.

“I actually don’t mind,” I said with a wicked smile.

She stared hard at me then emitted a
small choked laugh. “You are sick,” she said.

Any man who has asked his woman if they would kiss another girl has been told, “Yeah, why not?. It’s innocent”.

Like they would actually consider it completely asexual.

A perfectly straight woman will tell you, “That woman has nice breasts,” or “That woman is so hot,” or “That chick has such a sexy body.”

But it always comes out in an asexual way.

But I knew that my woman was having a lesbian affair with her bosom friend.

I snooped into her bedside drawers; there were all manners of lesbian toys.

I slept on a matress on the floor of her bedroom that night,feeling disgusted about my folly.

I drove off the next morning very early before she awoke.

I haven’t seen her since.

I have never tried to find out what she does with the fake facade of her double life.

¤¤¤¤¤

Two weeks ago I went for this pre-wedding lunch meeting for one of my friends and happened to sit next to this chap called Tony who is a soil scientist in my consultancy.

Tony and I rarely discuss anything about our social lives.

But he was tipsy on this night.

He said that women are inherently and unconsciously predisposed to be
attracted to other women, and of course that caused a big debate around the
table.

That’s how the memory of this lesbian ex-girlfriend resurfaced on my mind,after I had all forgotten about it for years now.

Then I bounced the idea off a few women and they seemed not altogether rebuffed by it as long as they “liked that girl.” “You would have no reason to be jelously suspicious about such an asexual gesture,Ben,would you?”.

But does it matter?

Does it matter when you find out that your woman has been getting some
tender loving from another woman?

Would you get mad? Jealous? Like I did?

Would you want to compete with another
woman? How could you? Wouldn’t that be like bringing a cock to a bullfight?

Wait, I shouldn’t have said that here.

That’s not what I meant…you know what, just have yourself a great weekend, will you?

I, on the other hand, will fetch myself a drink,and drown the foul taste of that last kiss on my mouth that I got from my lesbian girlfriend, many,many years ago.

I forget what her name was.

Of savvy kids, and seeking clarity of mind in a world full of mist

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I really can’t tell what’s happening to me these days.

I miss kids like crazy.

I’d wish to really have some kids around me at this point in my life.

Does that happen to you?

When you see a child and you want to adopt them even if they are with their parents?

There is this other kid I wanted to adopt because my life is full of kids I want to adopt.

This one was a boy of about 7.

He was performing at a school concert a few weeks ago at a neighbouring school’s open day that we attended,me and my partner,Daisy.

By some accident of nature,I don’t have my own kids,neither does Daisy,my partner.

They were a whole bunch, dancing up on stage to Eddie Kenzo’s song Sitya Loss. Chubby boy with a gorgeous smile that never left his face and that boy could dance!

He had such a robust spirit, such a vim for life and he was there dancing upfront,
moving his chubby limbs, his large
cheeks strained in that lovely smile and
he was killing it!

I wanted to adopt that one even though I could tell his appetite would get me bankrupt in a week. Boys eat.

A boy eats anything.

If it doesn’t cause him convulsions,he will eat it.

I told some pal of mine this story, the
story about that boy, and he said it was kind of creepy.

He said that he has NEVER looked at someone’s child and thought he should adopt them.

Which made me wonder if I was growing to be a kind of a creepy middle-aged man.

Then another lady friend of mine mentioned that I should try meditation and yoga to- and listen to this – “calm my mind.”

This “craving” for other people’s kids must be coming from a “disturbed mind”,she said.

That I needed “clarity.”

You see a kid who dances in a school concert and suddenly people want you to have clarity!

Yogis are always trying to get the world to seek clarity.

They want you to “centre” yourself. I feel centred enough, thank you very much.

If I didn’t feel centred I would be jay walking.

I saw this other kid once at Kengele’s,ABC place,Waiyaki way, Lavington Curve, speaking on the mobile phone.

She was about 5/6years old,
protectively clutching a doll under her armpit.

“I was not sure what to order,” she was saying,”…yes, but last time I eated chicken wings…I ate chicken wings,…yes,….yes, but will Cynthia take me to see Garvin?…Why mom?”

Then she did something extraordinary, she looked at her phone and said, “ Wait, dad is calling me, wait a moment mom.”

And she pressed a button on her phone and said, “Hi dad… I’m fine…at Big Square, I am talking to mom, can you call me back after five minutes?” then she pressed another button and said, “That was dad, he was aksing where I am,” then at that moment the little spacecraft thing they give you when you order food started vibrating and lighting up on the table and she looked at it and simply told the mom, “Food is ready, I will call you
later,” and then hung up, pap without
any ceremony! Haha.

They always hung up fast when they see food.

I watched her and her nanny go to the counter to pick their order and I was completely mesmerised and in awe.

I sat there and thought, heck, what school does this kid go to?

I particularly loved how she said,
“aksing”, not “asking.”

Dad is aksing where I am.

I didn’t want her to leave. I wanted her
to stay there a little longer with her doll and receive a million calls for me to eavesdrop on.

She had these small podgy fingers with nails painted silver and with some princessy things on them.

Her feet dangled from the edge of the wooden seats.

Pretty as a goddamn picture,till it hurt my eyes,just looking at her.

I watched them leave.

The nanny carrying the food and her hopping and skipping along beside her confidently, with her doll and her
mobile phone that connects her to the
world.

A little girl who knows how to keep you on hold, pick another call and then put you off hold.

I struggle with that stuff, yet she did it one fluid motion and with such class: “Dad, can you call me back in five minutes?”

My God, I bet that kid eats Weetaflakes for breakfast and flosses her teeth twice a week!

She has always stayed on my head, that
kid.

I know this might sound crazy, but
I wanted to adopt her.

I wanted to show up with her in my house and my partner would ask, bending to greet her with a smile, “and who is this?” and I would tell her, this is Winnie-The-Doll and she would say, “OK, I know but who is this other pretty one?” and the little girl would speak up and say with confidence, “My name is Brenda,” Of course she is Brenda,nowadays nobody calls their kids Jane or Milka or Pamela.

That’s like buying an antiquated Motorola phone.

And Brenda and Winnie The Doll would sit and have milk and biscuits with us at the dining table.

Later,Daisy,my partner would summon me to the bedroom and ask, Who is that kid, is that your kid? and
I would say, No, relax, I saw her at Kengele’s food joint and I took her.

And she would look at me like I’d gone mad and ask incredulously, “You took her? Like you would take a free magazine?”

And I would say, “I mean, she didn’t mind, I think she is too cool, I heard her hold and unhold a call and I just had to take her…don’t you like her or her Winnie the Doll?” and she would hold her head in her hand like it’s going to explode and then motherly put one hand on my shoulder and say in a very slow tone, like I’m slightly younger than Brenda, “You can’t take other people’s kids from restaurants because you think they can swap through calls! It’s illegal. Now I
want you to take her back right now, her
parents must be sick of worry!”

Then I would ask if she can at least finish her milk and she will say sure, of course
then watch me leave the room with a
very worried look on her face.

Anyway, Daisy, my partner and my resident shrink on the house,sent me this Russell Simmons book called “Success Through
Stillness” co-authored by Chris Morrow.

It’s about how Russell, a hip-hop mogul,
found his stillness but I really never read
past the third paragraph and every time
she would call and ask me, “Ben, have
you finished the book?” I would say, “I’m
taking my time with it,” until finally she
asked, “You aren’t reading it, are you?”
and I said I wasn’t.

I said I had a clot in leg calf vein and
I have been waiting for it to disintegrate
first because really, I don’t think you can
“centre” yourself when you have a clot in
your leg. So now that the clot is no
more, I just have to read it.

But she also asked me to download this app called Meditation Made Simple by the same Russell Simmons and it promises to reduce stress, anxiety attacks and Insomnia, and to increase happiness.

How about that, an app that will
increase your happiness.

Regretfully , it didn’t mention anything about urges to adopt other people’s kids.

So this morning I started on my Buddhist meditation again.

I woke up at 5am and went to the sitting
room and sat in silence, eyes closed and
I played the app which is essentially
Russell Simmons asking you to breathe
in and out while swami-like music plays
in the background. “…to recognise all
the pauses between our breath in the
second of stillness…” Russell says sagely.

The whole point of the exercise is to
empty your mind of thoughts and find
peace.

But my thoughts refused to leave,I couldn’t focus.

I heard the wall clock tick loudly above, I heard the fridge hum and the water dispenser purr and outside the neighbour’s cock make a racket. (Oh boy,
I can’t even find stillness in a sentence
like that).

It was ironic that I heard more sounds while meditating than when I wasn’t.

It lasted ten minutes of me sitting there shirt less in my sleeping shorts, legs crossed like a swami, breathing in and out and trying not to imagine my partner walking out and finding me there, which wouldn’t surprise her because she already thinks I’m a bit crazy wanting to steal other people’s kids just because they are cute. Hehe.

She almost said that I’ve started “behaving like a woman”.

Which is why I think people should
meditate in a forest, probably Karura forest.

Or Ngong forest.

Talking of forests.

There was this time I was coming from my home town in Kiambu.

Driving back I found myself alone because the person I had gone with decided to stay behind.

So I was in the car alone and some chaps –probably some carjacker were trailing my car.

The previous night, I was out having drinks with my childhood buddies from my village.
I slept at midnight. Stupid. I know.

But have you ever dozed off at the steering wheel?

It’s the scariest thing ever!

An hour before I came to Karura Forest at Ridgeways,I was woken up with a start by the front wheel getting off the road.

My heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my neck.

I rolled down all the windows, and
killed the heating system.

I called my friend Gitau who had made a short stop over in Kiambu town and said, Boss, I’m nodding off, can we meet up somewhere in Pangani and do a power
nap?

He said, “I was nodding off too, but
where do we stop man, where is this
place?” I didn’t know.

It was dark. And cold.

All I knew was that in the middle of Karura Forest and it didn’t seem like a
bright idea to just stop in that ominous
darkness.

I might wake up and find that some opportunists helped themselves to my car tyres as I slept.

But i said Heck and pulled over at the side of the road in a small clearing and blacked out.

When I woke up at 6.30am there was an
old man tapping on my window.

He had on those grungy hats farmers those sides wear with some a heavy brown jacket with a red collar turned up.

His face was weathered and curved like
something from a slave-movie.

He startled me.

I started the engine and rolled down my window slowly.

Here is the weird thing, In my confusion, I
thought it was an apparition. True story.

I thought I had died at the wheel because
of sleeping while driving and now,a saint
was here with his grungy hat.

He said something in Kikuyu and I thought, aah this is just great, now even a saint has to be a KiKuyu?

I said something in Kiswahili and he
asked me if we were OK and I said I had
slept, I was tired driving.

And he said, Ohh, “poleni kwa safari” (Sorry for a tiring journey and he trudged on, hunched over.

I went over and woke Gitau and the
rest up and went and peed in the bush.

Then I realised that I really needed to
use the bathroom so I went to the little
boma 50-meters away and found the old
man standing near his gate reading
smses on his feature phone and asked him if I could use his bathroom.

He pointed at this drop-toilet and I walked in, past mud-houses, a cattle shed, past a kitchen with musky three-stone smoke coming out of its door and when I got to the drop toilet I realised it had no tissue pape,r so I walked back and embarrassingly asked him if I could get some.

He called out a name, Wanjiku or Wairimu, I can’t recall, they all sound the same, and said something in Kikuyu and Wairimu or Wanjiku, a girl not more than 13, brought back a bunch of old newspapers which was a bit insulting because really, how big did she think my ass was?

When I came out, I found her waiting with a jug of warm water to wash my hands
and she poured the water for me, that
touched my heart out of me.

They warmed water for me! A stranger!

My goodness!

You know, as we drove back I thought to
myself that the old man could have been a saint after all.

You know how Jesus washed the
feet of his disciples? What are the odds?
We fell asleep on the wheel, we stopped
at some random and who knows,
dangerous part of the road and napped
and some old man, with a curved face
and a red collar gave me his toilet and
his daughter handed me old newspapers
and warm water to wash my hands.

What is that guys? Isn’t that the hand of
God? I don’t know what the Bible says
but I think this is how Jesus shows his
hand.

We will wait for burning bushes or tall men with white robes or hymns and
harps but that might not be Jesus.

When Jesus shows up he will show up in a
different form and we will miss it
because we will be looking out for
something that we have been
conditioned to believe.

Then I thought about Brenda and that old man and his red collar when I was trying to “centre” myself through Buddhist meditation in the morning.

I’m sure I saw the face of a saint in that misty dawn.

I don’t think I need any more centering or
meditation or even to buy a yoga mat.

I just need to close my eyes and think of a shy girl,Wairimu pouring me the warm water to wash my hands as the old man
pretended not to watch.

That is my centre.

That is stillness residing in my mind!.

The regrets of the “one that got away”

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“The one that got away” is an ex who has an exalted place among your past loves.

They are the one you focus about.

They are the one who floats to the surface of your thoughts when you are trying to sleep, the one you can still picture a future with — in a parallel universe.

You just aren’t sure whether it’s the universe you’re supposed to exist in or whether you belong right here in
reality.

The one that got away isn’t someone with whom you had a terrible, devastating breakup.

They didn’t cheat on you (or vice
versa).

Things simply didn’t work out because you were young and immature, or one of you had to move, or you just had other things you needed to do before you
found this kind of love.

The point is that things never ran their natural course.

You never really found out that you two could never work out. It just ended, for
circumstances other than falling out of
love.

This ex was a good person, your breakup
didn’t change your opinion about this.

They are someone who deserves love in
their lives, someone another person would be lucky to be with.

They had things they needed to work on, but then again, so did you.

You’re both good people, but maybe
you just weren’t good enough for each
other at the time.

The way to spot “the one that got away” is to think of the ex that makes you hopeful about what your future love life can be like, rather than making you upset or pessimistic about human nature.

You know your ex —this ex — will always be the one that got away because things will always be unresolved.

You still respect them too much to let your breakup tarnish your opinion of
them.

You know the person you end up with is going to have to do better — the one
that got away always raises the bar on what love can really be like.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

•One man’s story…..

I catch your scent sometimes.

In crowded places where the air gets thick and people rush past but their clouds hang frozen in the air.

And there you were, in the most
vivid of memories, from that one whiff, I
could feel the soft of your skin, see the
creases of your eyes, hear the heartiness of your laugh.

I used to lie awake while you slept.

I used to delicately touch your face and endless wonder what cosmic alignments brought you into my broken life.

I used to be devoured by my fears of not being enough for someone so charismatic, so vibrant, so endlessly charming that much of my days were spent swimming in dark waters of
anxious insecurities.

I tried to hide the tenderness.

The eternal flame of powerful emotions that ripped through me whenever I thought of you, but they burned ever brighter by the day.

I felt sick when I exposed too much, when my mouth kept talking about how lovely and perfect you were when all I wanted to do was have the self-control to say nothing.

Be cool, be aloof, the one who cares the least holds the power.

But I lost all reason when I met you.

I descended into a place where I couldn’t think, I could only feel, and I wanted to feel you every second.

You saddened and frustrated me.

You spoke of love like it was a tangible thing you could study and know.

I wanted you to get lost in your own heart, to jump into the unknown and unleash your truest, most hidden self
to only me.

But you remained guarded.

I confused your lust and passion for my body as a connection to my mind and soul.

I fell so fast and so deep that other parts of my life ceased to matter.

I was convinced you had more depth than you wanted me to know about, that if I got close enough to the farthest centre of your soul, I could break you open and you would become equally overcome with love for me.

You fell away.

Or maybe I pushed you with my impatience, with my intensity, with my
endless need to be equally enthralled with each other.

I woke up at the bottom of the rabbit hole, more broken than before.

Being with you stopped filling me with excitement and anticipation and instead was replaced with only disappointments, in you and in myself.

Maybe I had misjudged you, that
what you presented to me was always all
there would ever be.

Or maybe it was, simply that, I wasn’t the one for you and you weren’t the one for me and we ran together for as long as we could until life faded us out.

And though I know that I will never be able to explain how quick and furiously I became smitten with you or why you never made the trip to that place for me,

I will always wonder if you remember my perfume.

If the scent of it on another reminds you just as vividly of those moments together, when everything was brilliant and full of possibility.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

•One girl’s story….

It’s been a long time.

You knew him right before you moved on
from something important.

You didn’t want to end that stage in your life, but you were graduating or you got a new job and it had to be over.

You had to go.

Your friends were moving on too maybe, but you didn’t think they felt the loss as acutely as you did.

You’re the kind of person who chops your
life into distinct stages in your mind.

It’s lonely being like that.

You’ve always felt like a fragmented person with a million free- floating pieces.

Just a few of them matched anyone else’s.

Until you met him.

He seemed nothing like you at first.

But something about the look on his face –those little expressions he made that he
thought no one else noticed – said he was your person. He asked you to take it easy.

You talked casually.

Neither of you are casual talkers.

One of you would speak and the other would pause to think before saying
the next thing.

Those pauses were loaded and both of you were nervous and it felt like forever had passed between one word and
the next.

But it always turned out to have been just the right thing to say.

You tumbled into bed like you’d fall into a good book or something: so natural that you didn’t even notice the progression.

You talk about the people you see.

You make him laugh.

His thoughts are as catty as yours and it makes you feel great.

Every night he lies on his back in your room and you swing one leg over him, tracing his face with the tip of your finger as he tilts his head to your hand so you can memorize him more.

He has distinctive marks on his body, like a light scar under his eyebrow.

He likes when you play with it.

No one else ever noticed that about me, he says.

He’s patient in bed.

You tell him how to touch you and you can see his brow furrow as he tries to get it just right.

He’s amazing, because he tries so hard.

He confides in you.

He always acts like it isn’t a big deal but
you know it is.

Your days and nights are on two separate planes.

He doesn’t overlap with the rest of your life. But your soul; your gut; your very essence – the two of you are linked.

And it feels like that’s the only thing in the world that matters.

You’re still wondering what happened.

The most important parts of you were closer than anything.

But the most relevant parts weren’t.

He was the right person at the wrong time.

Or maybe, you think, before you push that thought away, the wrong person at the right time.

He came along when you were just about to break and you’d still be feeling that damage now if he hadn’t been around to protect you.

It can’t be fate that makes connections like that happen.

It feels like more of a mathematical
formula.

And in the end it just didn’t add up.

On your last night together you plead with him not to forget you. “You’re not a
forgettable person,” he says, and he kisses you long and hard because he really means it.

He says goodbye the way he knows you
want to remember it before he closes your door.

You sit down, touch your lips, and let
yourself re-feel everything that happened from beginning to end.

We like to think our lives are linear.

That everything you do accumulates into a better decision-making process that will get you the person you’ve really wanted all along.

But what if it isn’t?

What if he’ll always be the person you’ll have had the most piercing feelings for?

What if those few months outweigh the rest of your relationships for the rest of your life?

Maybe what you want the most and what’s best for you really aren’t the same thing. (And if that goes for you, of course, it goes for him as well. You feel smug. You don’t want to be smug though, because you really do want the best for him. Really.)

You tell yourself you lost nothing really.

You two had what you had and it will always be happening on a loop in some corner of the universe.

Or maybe just a corner of your mind.

Maybe you like the feeling of doomed
love.

You relish that bittersweet piece of your past that casts a golden shadow over
the rest of your forward-thinking life.

Or maybe you just see him on Facebook
and wonder what would happen if you ever got to see him again.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

These two stories tell of people who deserved to be in our lives forever,but the pettiness of our value system chose to let them go out of our lives!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A time to mend fences…life’s too short

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Last Saturday,I was interrupted by a hammering sound coming from my neighbours house,next door.

I stood up, walked over to the window and noticed my next-door neighbour replacing a small section of his white picketed fence.

The fence had been damaged the previous week.

As I stood there watching him take down the damaged section and replace it with a new fence; I wished the problems
in life could be fixed so easily.

My mind drifted back to the now broken relationship I had with someone I once cherished in my past.

I continued to watch my neighbour as he
methodically replaced the damaged section of fence.

The first thing he did was to recognise that the fence had a problem; it was damaged.

Then he had to remove the damaged portion of the fence.

Next, he nailed the new fence into place, and the last thing he did was paint the fence.

After he had finished the process, you could not tell that the fence had been damaged. It looked brand new.

I turned away from the window, and sat back down on the couch.

It suddenly occurred to me that I had a damaged fence in my own life, and it
was up to me to repair it.

But it was already too late for that; death of this particular person had long closed the door of reconciliation.

And it finally dawned on me: life is just too short-the time to mend all the broken fences in our life is RIGHT NOW!
This is a fence that will never be mend.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Avoid strife in your life; never take it personal

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Strife is a very destructive force in your life.

It can creep into relationships by starting small, maybe through a comment or a mean look from someone, and can then escalate into something much bigger.

But when you choose to cease from strife and overlook an offense, you are acting honourably towards yourself and others too .

But how do you avoid strife? Love for yourself gives you confidence from insecurities that contibute to strife in your life.

It means that you give people the benefit of the doubt.

Their mean reactions towards you don’t shake the foundations of security you have already built by loving your life.

You consider what they may be going through instead of focusing on how they reacted to you.

Maybe someone was short with you at the office, but they may have a loved one in the hospital.

Instead of getting upset, walk in the road of universal love—be patient and kind to them.

Look for ways to walk in peace with the people in your life and put an end to strife!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Cultivate and nurture gratitude in your life

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Gratitude is strongly and consistently
associated with greater happiness.

In a distressful moment, it’s hard to see positive forces when obstacles are blaring and fears are looming.
But this is also the good time to be grateful for all the other good things going on in your life.

Not grateful for what has distressed us, but appreciating what doesn’t.

Gratitude helps us see our situation in a way that can lessen panic, and could open up our thinking to new solutions.

The main thing is, people aren’t hardwired to be grateful.

And, like any skill worth having,
gratitude requires practice.

There are three stage involved in practising gratitude : recognising what we’re grateful for, acknowledging it, and
appreciating it. Very simple, right?

And the benefits of practising gratitude can be life-altering.

Gratitude puts all situations,both awesome and awkward, into perspective.
When we can see the good as well as the
bad, it becomes more difficult to complain and stay distressed.

Gratitude helps us realize what we have.

This can lessen our need for wanting
more, all the time.

Gratitude strengthens relationships, improves health, reduces stress, and,
in general, makes us happier

Here are some guideline leading questions that will help us to cultivate daily gratitude in our lives:

• What’s one kind or thoughtful thing
someone did for you recently?

• Who is always there for you, and how do you feel about them?

•Who has helped you become the person
you are today, and what’s the top thing
you’d thank them for?

•Who’s that someone who always really listens when you talk, and how does that affect you?

•How have your spiritual beliefs or
practices fulfilled you recently?

•What’s the best thing that happened
today so far?

•What’s something that inspired or
touched you recently?

•Has anyone done anything recently
that made your job easier?

•What’s one thing you enjoyed about
doing your job recently?

•Can you think of any non-physical gifts
you’ve received recently—someone’s time, attention, understanding, or support?

•What about today has been better than
yesterday?

•Who have you enjoyed being around
recently, and why?

•How have you used your talents and
abilities recently, and what have you
enjoyed about doing that?

•What have you learned recently that will help you in the future?

•What made you laugh or smile today?

•What’s the last song you heard that you
enjoyed? How did it make you feel, and
why?

•Have you experienced any blessings in
disguise lately—things that didn’t turn out as you’d hoped and yet turned out for the best?

•What’s the weather like today, and
what’s one good thing about that?

•How has technology enhanced your life
and your connections recently?

•Have you had an opportunity to help
someone recently, and how did you feel
about that?

•What’s one thing you experienced
recently that made you feel a sense of
wonder or awe?

•What’s the best thing about your home,
and have you taken time to enjoy it
recently?

•If you didn’t get what you wanted today,
can you identify something in what you got that’s worth having?

•What’s improved about your life from
this time last year?

•What choices have you made in the last
five years that you’d thank yourself for
making?

•What’s something you did well recently,
and what qualities or skills enabled you to do this?

•Who made a positive difference in your
life recently?

•What’s something you’re looking
forward to in the future?

•What did you learn from the most
difficult part of your day yesterday, and how will this lesson benefit you going forward?

•What’s something you witnessed
recently that reminded you that life is good?

•What’s something you witnessed
recently that reminded you that people are
good?

•How many of your basic needs do you
not need to worry about meeting today?

•What event or interaction made you feel
good about yourself recently?

•How have you made personal or
professional progress lately?

•What simple pleasures did you enjoy—
or can you enjoy—today?

•What modern conveniences (i.e.:
electronics and appliances) do you enjoy
that make your life easier?

•What’s the most beautiful thing you saw
today that made you glad to be alive and to see it?

•What’s something enjoyable you get to
experience every day that you’ve come to take for granted?

•What are three things your arms or legs
allow you to do that you enjoy?

•What’s the kindest thing someone has
done for you lately?

•How do your friends and/or family
members show they care about you?

•What’s the last thing you enjoyed with
your senses—a good meal, a song you love, or aromatherapy—and how amazing is it that you were able to experience that?

•What movie, book, blog, or article
affected your life for the better recently?

•What have you seen in nature recently
that made you feel happy, peaceful, or free?

•How has modern medicine improved
your life, recently or overall?

•How does electricity simplify and
improve your life—and can you imagine
what life would like be like without it?

•What’s your favorite thing about your
bed, and how often does it enable you to
get restful sleep?

•What’s something you have easy access
to that always improves your mood, and
how has it improved your life?

•Who in your life has survived something
difficult, and how do you feel when you
think about the fact that they’re still here?
•Have you recently imagined a worst-
case scenario that didn’t actually happen?

This last one is always crucial for me.

Not only does this help me appreciate things that turned out better than I’d anticipated, but it also reminds me how often this happens—if only I’m willing to act.

Go on and have a grateful day.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

When no other woman could find anything to love in me…..

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When no other woman,
Could find anything to love,
In a plain faced man like,
It is me you chose to give your love to.

Whenever I lose my way,
Around the maze that is life,
I know just what to do,
When i can’t seem to think what to say,
I come running right to you;
You always seem ready to lend me a helping hand,
Somehow, you always seem to understand me.

Whenever I lose my way,
You make things a whole lot better,
When I can’t seem to stand on my feet,
I know just where to go,
When i can’t seem to make ends meet,
I know you’ll always know what to do;
You only say the words that need to be said,
You never tell me that I’m out of my head,
When I lose my way.

When I’ve lost all sense of time,
And I can’t seem to make the words make sense of my thoughts,
When I’ve lost all direction,
And I can’t find the answers to the questions in my life,
I know just what to do,
When I can’t seem to think what to say,
I come running right to you;
You always seem to say the things i need to hear,
Somehow you always chase away all of my fears,
And make things a whole lot better.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Too many foolish things still remind me of you…

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We almost made it,
I almost called you mine,
And you almost called me yours.
We almost had it all,you and I.
I think we almost loved each other.

But the only thing I’m sure about,
Is that I wasn’t good enough for you,
So,you walked away from my love.

I still haven’t figured how to forget you;
Too many foolish things still remind me of you.

It’s just amazing what you’ll find,
When you aren’t keen searching;
Those things that once mattered,
But you thought that you had lost them forever,
Like that pair of socks that we searched for the whole morning together,
You and I,
The pair of socks that we thought was lost forever,
Has been sitting pretty in one of my drawers,
And it is sad that it has come back,
To remind me of you.

Hearing that song we used to listen to on the radio,
come on unexpectedly in my playlist,
and feeling like I should text you to tell you that it came on,
even though that’s an objectively silly
thing to text someone over.

What about the sound of people laughing together at a joke you’ll never quite hear, when their sense of closeness radiates outward and you feel like you can catch it for just a minute,
Because that simple magic of people laughing,
Reminds me of you..

Or driving alone on the subway at night and seeing the lights of the gas stations and tunnels pass by one after the other, and being rocked to sleep like a car-ride, when you were a little kid.

Or a really good appetiser dish that’s just too big for one person,
the kind that they normally bring out with two spoons,
so that lovers sitting in dark corner table,
Can spoon it to each other’s lips,
As a seal of their delicious love.

Or waking up to my empty bed at night, and seeing the blankets and pillows
all piled around like there was someone there,
and forgetting just for a second,
that you aren’t there curled up,
and just waiting for me to kiss your sleeping lips.

Or seeing something in a shop window that would fit you just right,
that would be just your style,
but that you would never agree to splurge on for yourself,
Though I was always willing to buy it for you,
As my loving gift offered in love.

Or when something really, really funny happens,
and I immediately turn around to look at you with that “Oh my god, what??” face, even when I know you’re not there.

Or walking through a museum and seeing a painting that I’ve seen in one of magazines that you left behind a
thousand times before,
but which becomes so breathtaking the first time you actually see it in person,
But you are not there to see how pleased I am,
By your taste of arts.

Or seeing a couple leaning into their table at the restaurant to say something quietly,
meeting their hands in the middle right next to their wine glasses,
to run their fingers together in a public display of love.

Or wondering what that couple is saying, how long they have been together,
and if they know how lucky they are to have what they have.

Or locking my eyes with a child for a minute or so,
while their mother is ordering at a counter or paying for her groceries,
and wishing you could say hello to them in a way that they would understand,
That we once planned on having our little cute children.

Or walking through a playground at night, and swinging on the swing set alone, which is somehow just as thrilling,
As when I used to push you in those swings,
With your whole body trembling in the thrill of our love.

Or an old man helping his wife cross the street,
letting her lean on him even though you can tell that walking upright is not easy for him, either
And knowing that we used to hold our hands as we crossed the streets,
For there was safety in that simple loving gesture,
That would have held our love secure forever.

Or when someone says your name across the room, and my mind refuses to understand, for just a minute, that anyone else could have the same name as you.

Or that first sip of tea when it’s still a little too hot,
but it feels good against my lips and hands when it’s so cold outside,
And that reminds me how your love used to keep me warm,
When the whole world around me was freezing cold.

Or the sun shards coming in through the window late on a Sunday morning,
with the little dust fairies floating around in the light, and the sound of
people walking around just outside,
Just the way it used to be,
When we would laze in bed the whole of sunday morning,
Cushioned by the warmth of our sweet love,
And the knowledge that we will not have those cherished moment forever,
When our planned children finally arrived.

To many foolish things still remind me of you…and I have now come to realise,
That although love is always lost, it can never be forgotten….

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Don’t waste your life living in an elusive future

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There is no purpose in getting anywhere if, when you get there, all you do is think about getting to some other future moment.

Life exists in the present, or nowhere at all, and if you cannot grasp that you are simply living a fantasy.

There is nothing like security in this life.

Looking for security,which can also be said to be like “avoiding all risks”, is like jumping off a cliff while holding on to a rock for safety – an absurd illusion.

We must allow ourselves to take all the risks of this life,even though they will always kill a part of us,when we are still living,and allow the killed part to re incarnate into a more useful form for us to move forward in life.

The doctrine of reincarnation can be more accurately thought about as a constant rebirth, of death throughout
life, and the continual coming and going of universal energy, of which we are all part, before and after death.

Destruction is as necessary as creation.

Think about all the rotting and new growth that takes place all the time in a natural forest.

Chaos must exist if we are to know what order is.

Both aspects of reality, in tension with one another, are necessary to keep
the whole game going: the unity of opposites.

Don’t worry about the future,
Or know that worrying is as effective as
trying to solve an algebra equation by
chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to
be things that never crossed your
worried mind,the kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m. on some idle Saturday afternoon.

But even with all your troubles and victories,don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts.

Don’t put up with people who are
reckless with yours either.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy either.

Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind others in life;the race is long and in the end, it’s only a race against yourself.

Remember compliments you receive,
forget the insults, if you succeed in
doing this, you will tell me how joyful life really turns out to be.

Keep your old love letters,and throw away your old bank statements.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what
you want to do with your life; many of us don’t either.

The most interesting people I know
didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to
do with their lives!

Some of the most interesting 40-year-
olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium in a glass of yoghurt.

Be kind to your knees,and don’t always go down on your knees beging for things you can work for.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t.

Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you
won’t.

Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll
dance the ‘Funky Chicken’
On your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate
yourself too much or berate yourself either.

Your choices are half chance, so are
everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you
can to come alive every day.

Don’t be ashamed of it, or what other people think of it;
It’s the greatest treasure and an instrument of all joys you’ll ever
have.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it
but your own living room.

Read the directions to your destiny, even if you don’t intend to follow them.
Do not read every beauty magazine you can lay your hands on; it will
only make you feel ugy.

Understand that friends come and go,but a precious few, who should hold on,give them your all!

Work hard to bridge the gaps in
geography and lifestyle,for as the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young

Live in a City sometime, but leave
before it makes you hard.

Live in deep in the countryside sometime, but leave before it makes you soft.

Accept certain inalienable truths;
Prices will rise, politicians will philander,
you, too, will get old,and when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young,prices were reasonable, politicians were noble.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you;
maybe you have a trust fund, maybe
you’ll have a wealthy spouse,but you never know when either one
might run out on you.

Don’t mess too much with your hair,or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy but be
patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing
it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal pit of time goneby, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts,and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

Above all else,cherish your present,it is the only real time you own,just this moment.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Happiness is what babies see when they look in the mirror

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Doesn’t it feel great when people like you?

Each one of us feels that we would be truly happy if everybody loved us.

But do we love ourselves first and foremost?

Everyone wants to be happy, but not many people contemplate whether or not they really are.

Some of us feel too privileged in many other areas of life to not be happy, while others don’t want to face the possibility that we might not be.

In the much acknowledged absence of any straight forward formula of determining what is true happiness, I have pinned down nine truths about happiness to help you think a little more deeply about what it really means to be happy.

• It isn’t a feeling; it’s a relationship to
life.

To be human means that we experience a range of emotions.

If you were to look at a graphical grid illustrating the levels of happiness across life and see a line in the shape of a wave, it would be an accurate representation of the human experience.

We shouldn’t be operating as an even,
straight line.

That’s what I’d call a robot or someone who is numbed out from full experience of life.

Human beings experience emotions in
response to life’s circumstances.

That means sometimes you’re going to feel happy, sad, and all the other emotions in between.

Embrace this holistic experience as the baseline of true happiness.

True happiness is not a continuous state of life; it’s the way we relate to our lives such that, If we’re rooted in unconditional love for ourselves, the world around us transforms into a happy one.

We have the ability to express gratitude for all experiences in life as a total sum that forms the foundation of our true happiness.

This way,we are able to sit with difficult emotions without denying ourselves self-love.

We’re able to relate with ourselves and with the world in a way that shapes our overall perception of our lives to one of love and gratitude.

This is the path to happiness.

• It requires a willingness to know the
truth.

I once felt guilty for not being happy in spite of all good things that happen in my life.

I felt like I had no right not to be happy amidst a life of abundance.

Relatively, I had so much more than so many other people on this planet.

Yet,happiness eluded me most of the time.

And then I woke up the truth that I was, in fact, not happy, and to deny that didn’t change the truth.

I realised that my relationship to myself was the source of my unhappiness.

I lived under the illusion that I loved myself by avoiding contemplating whether or not I truthfully did.

I was able to see that I couldn’t actually be happy until I learned to love myself as I am.

We have to wake up to our own underlying simple truths that keep us one step away from true happiness.

Any lies that you keep telling to yourself
holds you back from true happiness.

• You have to be willing to feel pain.

True happiness isn’t the expression of
happy chemicals floating through our
brains all the time to create a private utopia in our thoughts and surreal perception of life.

True happiness comes from the
willingness to face ourselves for who we trully are.

Only through some of my most painful experiences have I come to live in true happiness.

When I was willing to sit in the despair of
my lost love, when I was willing to face the truth that I had become numb from feeling of self-love, and when I did the difficult work of healing ,I came out the other side that is happiness.

In other words,I had to wallow through the mud of life to cross to the happy side of life without feeling that all was lost in this journey.

Sometimes I felt lighter, but always with a deeper understanding of who I am.

• It has nothing to do with whether or
not people like you.

It’s like the high school experience I always dreamed of,being everybody’s favourite boy,and then I would be happy always.

Of course,that didn’t happen….that’s not what is meant to happen either,in real life.

As I got older and more comfortable with myself, I seemed to attract amazing people into my life more effortlessly.

I loved them and they loved me without the undue pressure of having to impress them.

And then someone nasty slipped through the cracks, and I experienced someone not liking me again. It stings, right?

No one likes not being liked. But it also
wasn’t my problem. It was more of their problem than mine.

As long as you’re good with who you are
deep down and as long as you’re facing
yourself each day, it’s not your problem if
someone else doesn’t like you.

It’s their problem, because more often than not people are reflecting their relationship to themselves.

When someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t threaten your happiness.

Your happiness is yours.

It is rooted deep within your self-love.

It’s your relationship to yourself and
your own life that matters most.

What another person thinks about you can sting, but it doesn’t have to
change how you feel about yourself.

• It’s not what most people are pretending to be.

Comparing yourself to anyone else is not
only futile but also irrelevant.

Your concern should be to uncover your own truth and live according to that.

When you try to be like someone else, you are trying to live according to what you think it means to be happy like them.
And the unfortunate truth is that most people are pretending to be happy.

They may gloat about their successes or
perceived achievements.

But true happiness is a vibration that is undeniable and needs no proving.

• You can’t look for it anywhere outside
of yourself.

You will never find true happiness if you
take out a flashlight and start searching outside yourself for it.

There is not one single thing outside of
ourselves this will cultivate true happiness.

Nothing.

Not another human being whether it be a partner, parent, or your own child.

The only place true happiness can emerge from is through the self.

We can experience moments of joy and bliss in relationship to other human beings, but true happiness is a result of your connection to your own truth.

Once you’ve awakened to that, all of your
relationships will be more vibrant.

• It’s what babies see when they look in
the mirror.

Years ago, I remember a three year old looking at herself in the mirror.

When I asked her if she thought she was beautiful, her eyes lit up as she looked at herself, and without a doubt, without hesitation, she said yes with a hefty outburst of genuine laughter and happiness.

Children are not yet tainted by the
judgments of our world.

They see that beauty is not physical, that it’s an essence.

They look at themselves without judgment of either themselves,or others.

It’s the same relationship to self we now
have to cultivate.

We have to learn to let go of the judgments of others in order to see
the truth of who we are: that we are, in fact, that same beautiful baby.

•You can’t buy it, drink it, or recycle it.

True happiness is not a book you can read, lipstick or hat you can wear, or an act you can do.

It’s almost ineffable.

It’s most definitely not any of the things our culture has attempted to brainwash us into believing it is.

It’s something you have to discover for
yourself.

It’s something you have to be willing to work hard to uncover.

A good place to start would be to let go of all of the ideas that things and ideas are what will bring you to true happiness.

• True happiness reveals itself through
love.

In our moments of great deliberation, we
have two choices: love or fear.

Love is not often the easy choice.

Love can challenge us.

It can make us feel uneasy and vulnerable.

Love can actually elicit deep pain.

Fear is the easy escape route.

It’s the choice to express anger instead of vulnerability.

It’s the choice to hide instead of face the pain.

It’s the decision to push someone away
instead of embracing them.

True happiness will always be pushed at arm’s lenght when you choose fear.

Choosing love for oneself and others, especially when it’s difficult, is the path to accessing true happiness.

True happiness is an unwavering
connection to your own truth.

It’s is a connection to the soul, to the deepest part of ourselves that screams out for us to listen.

You always have the choice to align yourself with it because your soul is always communicating with you through your conscience.

It’s even happening now as you read this.
Are you listening?

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

This is the way love dances

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In the cool stillness of the evening,
Without sunlight to intrude,
I see the twilight’s spark in her eyes,
As the moon sets up the mood,
Music playing soft and low,
While romance fills the air,
I can’t help but feel the heat that kisses all my senses.

The very moment she comes near me,
With a teasing dance that mimics the embrace of lovers,
While a single candle casts a magical light to highlight her feminine curves,
And the smell of sweet perfume,
Seems to drive my captured soul insane,
I draw close to look into her eyes,
And run my fingers through her electrified hair.

I taste the sweetness of her neck,
As I nibble at her ear,
And wish to whisper words of love,
That remain unsaid,
As she sighs with an unsaid reply,
And in a very sensual way,
Her sweet body comes alive,
To light the heat of my desire.

In a silent ritual,
we slowly come to a state of undress,
As I to lay her down gently,
And she welcomes my caresses,
With her luscious sexy curves,
And my tongue roams into the most sacred territory,
It is a taste I can’t resist.

She gives me so much pleasure,
Ecstasy explodes through the pores of my skin,
From a dance that started with one,
But the other just couldn’t sit still and watch;
This is the way love dances,
To inspire this love that we aspire,
For only love can fill this joy,
That becomes the dance of our desire.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Even good people are not meant to be in your life forever; only their memories probably are!

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When people come into your life, it is hard to dissociate from the shared moments and move on.

Oftentimes,and this is the reality of life, we find ourselves forced to leave people whom our lives once revolved around behind.

Your mind will always carry memories of the sights, the sounds and the experiences you shared.

But, sometimes people change; sometimes we move on and oftentimes, we simply grow.

As days turn into months and months into
years, it is still difficult to understand how
to detach yourself from the people of your past and to accept the reality that they will no longer be part of your present.

People who made up such a large part of
your life at one point (ex-boy/girlfriends, teachers, old roommates, friends, etc.) are not always meant to be in your life forever.

Sometimes, those people come into your
life for a brief moment in time — however brief — and then, they are gone.

And in a moment, the people in whom you invested on with your life turn into mere pictures stored somewhere
in the back of your mind.

The moments you shared meant something — and they may still mean something,if only by their memories.

You are subject to an internal battle to understand how the people you once valued are no longer of importance to you in your daily life.

In a way, those people in your past became your bigger family and you probably find yourself struggling to let them go.

They gave you advice when you needed guidance.

They gave you hugs when you felt alone.

They gave you unique experiences that defined a stage of your life.

Most of all, however, these people gave you a sense of comfort in the unfamiliar and unpredictable journey that we call life.

And during those unusual times when you return back to those people and those places, you realise that your connection to that city, to those people and to those memories still holds strong.

While you may have left and may have a new life completely unlike your past, those connections do not dissipate.

Just because you left a place or left people, it does not mean that those memories somehow become void.

And when you return to that place from your past, you are reminded of the friends you made, the people you knew and the moments you shared.

All of these things suddenly become fresh in your mind,sometimes in form of painful or happy memories.

It is in these instances when you’ll realise either their importance, or the evidence of the scars they left behind in your life.

It is still difficult to look back, knowing that your current life does not quite leave room for everyone in your past.

And while you’re not sure it will ever get easier, when you know that people you once considered to be family are continuing to live a life separate from yours, it is comforting to know that at any point, you can stop and remember the experiences you shared together.

As we grow, we realise that all people are
not permanent fixtures in our lives, that
they can be fleeting fixtures of happiness, love,comfort or even pain.

It is a difficult concept to grasp that people we consider to be staples that hold our life together in this present moment may not be here for us
tomorrow.

But, we must learn to accept the
idea that whether it be a lover, a coworker or a friend, his or her place in our lives may not always be meant to last forever.

When we begin to understand that
relationships are not always meant to last, we can also have a deeper appreciation for the experiences we share with people while they are in our lives.

Though it may sadden you to consider the end of a relationship, you can begin to appreciate the people in your life for the sheer reason that they exist in your present.

People come and go, but memories last forever.

The lessons people teach us and the
hardships they help us navigate,or the pain they cause to us, are never forgotten.

These memories become permanent parts of us and continue to shape who we become.

Just because a relationship does not last does not mean that it is insignificant in any way.

It is not the amount of time these relationships last that is important, but instead, it is the ability to remember them.

Once we can accept the realisation that
relationships are fleeting, our lives will be
filled with vast moments of appreciation.

Appreciation for each relationship in its
entirety and the uniqueness of the
moments that you share together —
appreciation for the present.

Leaving people behind is never easy — it
never feels right to move on to the next
chapter.

But, as life continues onward, so do we, and just because we leave people, it does not mean we must forget the times
we shared.

It does not mean that all those things must be lost in some unknown abyss.

All we can ask is to remember and
that those whom we once loved remember us, too.

And those who caused pain to us,no longer have any power over our life anymore.

It is in the character of life to move-on,both from good and bad experiences in our life,such that,we are forever growing into new forms everyday that need not be always tied to our past.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

The mind is a beautiful place to be…

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The mind is a beautiful place
to be,
if you don’t mind some people dying around you all the time,
or maybe,even starving some of the time,
Senseless wars being fought for no good cause,
Hearts being broken for a pennyworth of false love,
Kids being born without fathers they can call their own,
which isn’t half bad if it isn’t you;
Yes,the mind is beautiful place to be,
If you can find peace in the swirling chaos that is this world.

The mind is a beautiful place to be,
A never ending universe,
where beautiful memories create memories within themselves,
With the complexity of it’s function, that makes it even more enticing.

The mind is a beautiful place
to be,
if you don’t mind a touch of hell now and then,
just when you think everything is fine,
because even in paradise they don’t sing jolly songs all the time;
Yes,the mind is a beautiful place to be,
When you don’t lose your sense of wonder.

The mind is a beautiful place to be,
When no matter what they tell you,
You know you don’t have to walk the line,
‘Cause the thing about people who don’t mean what they say,
Is that they think everyone else believes them,
Even when they don’t believe in themselves.

The mind is a beautiful place to be,
Because even when you leave a
beautiful place,
you carry it with you wherever you go.
Yes,the mind is a beautiful place to be,
Because I have the same feeling
when I walk in a very beautiful place, that I am going to own it in my mind for a lifetime.

The mind is a beautiful place to be,
Because people don’t want to go
to the garbage dump and have a picnic, they want to go out to a beautiful place
and enjoy their day,
And so I think that,
in a world full of despair and despondency,
Our beautiful mind is the only place we can go,
And partake a picnic of life in peace and health;
Yes,the mind is a beautiful place to be,
Because it has not been touched by garbage that is our everyday life.

I don’t want to be in some big beautiful place
that nobody wants me,
But I feel loved,safe and secure,
As I roam the beautiful valleys and plains,
That form the magical landscape of my mind
;
And yes-walking through the peaceful countryside of my mind seeking happiness,
I have come across many others running in the opposite direction,
To seek happiness outside their minds,
In this noisy world suffused in total chaos!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

To my Ex-girlfriend,Toni: I miss your sweet scent in my life again!

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To Toni(Antoniella),

Many years have passed now, since I last saw you-many,many years ago!
My friends,those who were once our mutual friends,tell me about you once in a while when we meet.
But that is not the point I want to dwell in, in this long post.
My dear Toni,I just want to let you know that I have learnt my lesson.

I have tried many women in my life; none compares to what we had,you and I.

Ours was a communion of souls.

Our love was love full of innocence,long before our young bodies were stolen away by bodily lusts!

What came after you left me was just lust.

It was always your heart that I always wanted to win,but with many other girls who came after you,well,it was their bodies that I always wanted!

Toni,my dear,I was a boy then,on those days. But Toni, please, I’m a man now,
and losing you was the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life.

There are things you do that you later learn to regret, that flummox you,
unimaginable things that make you pause and reconsider who you really
are now, and what you were capable
of in those early years of your foolish past.

That’s what I realise now,my dear Toni,unfortunately,many years too late!

I’m an old man now.

I have been in and out of marriage,after you left.

Looking back,I can’t say I have truly fallen in love ever since you left my life,but I have lied to myself that I have loved other women,and I have lied to myself too,that they have loved me…

I learned a lot when I moved away from you.

I learned that I don’t even really like drinking all that much.

I learned that not everyone in the world thinks it’s cool to meet and sleep with random women.

I learned that holding someone you care about is more satisfying than the Ice Bucket Challenge in a hot desert.

I learned that leaving your dishes in the sink with ketchup on them makes doing the dishes a thousand times harder the next day,though you never complained when I used to do exactly that.

I realised how much I missed your sweet scent after you visited me in my house.

That scent… It’s faded from my life–and
it’s starting to fade away from my memory.

I fear for the day it truly does fade away completely from my life!

I learned how to embrace change.

I learned what being a man really is.

I learned. who I am now,and i hate who I have been in the past.

And most of all, I learned that you were always the best girl for me,my first love,the best thing that ever happened to me.

So let me say this; It doesn’t matter if
you’re 16 as you were when I first met you, or 96 now-my love for you is still as fresh as it were,those many years ago!

Don’t run away from my love because you’re afraid of all those mistakes I made,many years ago; I wish I hadn’t.

God, I wish I hadn’t,’cause you would still be here with me as I ride through the sunset of my years,alone.

So, Toni, if you ever read this, I miss you more than you will ever know.

I beg of you to share this message with other people who are in your life now, so that people don’t make the same dumb mistakes I made.

And maybe one day, Toni,you will come
across this post, and decide to say one more word to me,before I lie down for my eternal rest.

Maybe, if enough people read this and
share it to all their friends, maybe, you will be one of their friends,and you will come to see me in
person,just before I die .

Maybe we can go on another date,like the first date we had,you and I, and
I can spend the rest of my life making up for the way I treated you.

And I will have sheer probability to thank ,for bringing you back into my life,one more time.

I’m dying,my dear Toni,but this physical pain that I suffer everyday in my deathbed is not as bad as the pain I suffer,knowing that I won’t see you one more time,before my eyelids close forever in repose of death.

Pain is but a feeling,and this feeling will pass in time,as time passes away forever in my life,but I miss you, Toni.

And that’s a debt I’d like to pay back to you,before the end of my days!

Oooh,and these painful memories that now flood through my restless soul…running like a stuck loop of a tragic movie….!

Tony,you were my girlfriend, but now
we are forever separated.

We had broken up a dozen or more times during our early years together, and I’m finally strong in my spirit to want you back,and this time,dear Toni,it will be forever,because forever now stands at my doorstep,waiting to carry me into eternity.

Dont get me wrong, i still have feelings for you.

But those feelings just aren’t strong enough to sustain a healthy physical relationship.

My body is now almost done with all the burdens of this world,but my spirit wants to carry away a piece of your good soul with me to my new celestial home.

You and me are no more.

Both of us have remained single for all this time-Oh God,why didn’t we stick together for each other!, scares
me in these last days of my life.

But i know it is for the best, i swear it was
for the best.

There may be absolutely no part of you that even vaguely agrees with me, but i know I’m right. I know it is for the
best.

You can make no argument that will
change my mind about that single conviction in my now weak and feeble mind.

So just hear me out.

Read this post over and over again and
understand it.

Live it when I’m gone.

Go back to it every time you are feeling sad.
And know that someone always loved you so much
,that he couldn’t forget you,even on his deathbed!

It’ll help you.

It’ll help me too,to know that I have tried my best to contact you one more time,though my time is fast running out.

God knows we both need this last push of luck to move on,to have a decent closure on our relationship.

Always remember that I’ll still love you no matter what, just not in an intimate way.

You have become like a long lost sister to me.

Your memories help my mind to remain calm and focussed for this last and lonely journey ahead of me in these turbulent moments of my life.

You were ever sweet. Kind. Caring. And hopefully strong enough to handle what you are reading in this post right now.

I hope you are strong enough.

I really do. This relationship has taught me a lot about the ever enduring power of love, and no matter what anyone else says, I’ll always know that to be true,down here on earth,and in the many millions of years that I will live in eternity without end.

I hope it has taught you a lot also.

Someday you will realise what type of a boy was right for you.
But I became that boy long after you had already left my life.
How were you to know,my dear Toni,that every positive change I made in my life,I made it only for you?

I know for a fact that you will not realise what was the best for you anytime soon,not before you read this post.

You are stuck in this mindframe that you’ll never meet anyone else that you like as much as me,after reading this post.

You are wrong,my dear Toni.

Let me repeat that… You’re wrong.

Think about your future, your success, your goals.

You have so much to look forward to in your life.

I swear you do.

And that’s a life I would have liked to share with you,but my life is now time-barred by this terminal illness.

You are so bright.

I know some day, some special man is going to claim you for his own. And
you’ll claim him for your own.

You will love the feeling you have with him.

You will thank me in your mind for letting you go. You will,my dear Toni.

This experience is a good one.

Don’t remember it as a tragedy, which im sure you will,especially if you ever read this post.

Remember it as something that allowed
you to grow in a different direction away from the one I wanted for us both.

Think about it… You are rich now, you have a job, you are a little better at managing your money, you have planned on getting another car soon,… All these
things are so amazing, and they will help
you mature in a different way.

Dont get me wrong, i needed to
mature too. And I did,though you were not there to see these positive changes take place in my life after you left my life.

I owe you an apology for letting this relationship stay afloat for so
long without any proper direction. Too long,my dear Toni.

I knew it wasn’t going to work out for us in the long run, not before I could make any positive change like I have now done in my life, and i selfishly still kept you for myself, even long after you left my life.

I should have
ended it many years ago to set you completely free, and i should
have been serious about it.

Learn from my mistakes in our relationship,and dont dwell on the
negatives.
Take it for what it is, because it is
not going to change,it’s too late in the day for that,no matter how I feel about you in these last days of my life.

This post is not meant
to hurt you, it is meant to inform
you about my never ending love for you,right into the mouth of my grave.

I hope you understand exactly what
I’m saying, and hopefully you can live a
better life with someone who wants to
marry you.

There are plenty of men out
there who are good for you. This is where I now draw the line,my dear Toni.

It is too late to have you back in my life,but I will miss you in this last journey that I must take alone.

I wish you only the best in your life.
Good bye,Toni.

Yours forever,
Bernard.

How old is your soul,my love?

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I have died every day waiting for you
Darling,
don’t be afraid,
for I have loved you for a thousand years,
And I’ll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer;
But my love,please tell me,how old is your soul?
‘Cause I have died every day waiting for you!

How can I love when I’m afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away
somehow,
I can’t stand watching you walk through this life alone.
How old is your soul?
‘Cause I have died every day waiting for you!

Darling, don’t be afraid,
I have loved you for a thousand years,
And I’ll love you for a thousand more,
And all along I believed I would find you;
Time has brought your heart to me,
Along with an old soul that I have sought for a thousand years,
To be my soulmate;
But my love,please tell me,how old is your soul?
‘Cause I have died every day waiting for you!

And now I have you here with me at last,
When I look into your eyes,
It’s like watching the night sky,
Or a beautiful sunrise,
Well, there’s so much they hold,
And just like them old stars,
I see that you’ve come so far,
To be right where you are,
How old is your soul?
‘Cause I have died every day waiting for you!

Well, I will never give up on us,
Even if the skies get rough,
I’m giving you all my love,
I’m still looking up to the sky,
To give thanks for having you in my life,
And when you’re needing your space,
To do some navigating around this wide world,
I’ll be here patiently waiting,
To see what you find,
‘Cause even the stars they burn,
Some even fall to the earth,
We’ve got a lot to learn,
God knows we’re worth it,
And no, I won’t give up,
I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily!

I’m here to stay and make the difference
that I can make,
Our differences, they do a lot to teach us,
how to use the tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake,
And in the end, you’re still my friend;
at least we did intend it for us to work, we didn’t break, we didn’t
burn all through the years of waiting,
We had to learn how to bend without the
world caving in,
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m
not, and who I am,
I won’t give up on us,
Even if the skies get rough,
I’m giving you all my love,
And I’m ready to wait for another thousand years,
Till your loving soul comes back to me;
How old is your soul?
‘Cause I have died every day waiting for you!

God knows I’m tough enough,
I am tough,and I am loved,
We’ve got a lot to learn,
That a thousand years is a long wait,
But it is worth the price of our love,
We’re alive, and we are loved,
God knows we’re worth it all,
For another thousand years;
How old is your soul?
‘Cause I have died every day waiting for you!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

An Oasis for a thirsty soul

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Have you ever walked through the deserts of life,
And then found an oasis of love to quench a lifetime of thirst?
Have you ever drank from its eternal
waters?
Walked through deserts, but found it is the only oasis with a pure drink,
Have you seen its miracles in your soul,
Witness pains disappear to far away places?

Have you ever allowed it to wash away doubts and fears?
Known the forgiveness that comes from its strength,
Seen its gentleness melt like the sun into the surface of the sea,
Or observed its wisdom as close as arm’s
length?
Have you ever drank from this purest
fountain?
A gentle brook from a mountain high above?

Have you ever bathed in its healing waters?
The waters from the fountain of true Love?
Without it, to a colourless life you’re
doomed,
Will you not seek a paradise, there in Love’s Oasis?
Earthly demands, tormenting, there await respite in the Oasis of love,
Envisioning fields of flowers bright in bloom,
In your loneliness, does Heaven truly exist?
Except in the Oasis of love?

For nothing is as complete in loveliness,
As one pure soul with Love for another!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Beautiful lessons on love learnt from burning garbage in my compound

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Recently, while burning garbage in my
compound, I found myself thinking about love; the fire of love to be precise.

From starting it, to ensuring that all the accompanying garbage burns, without touching anything else in the compound
that can start an uncontrollable inferno.

From that mundane experience, I learned lessons that I thought would be valuable to our relationships.

•Starting the fire:

I gathered some dry twigs and
some papers, created a small space under them and struck a match.

There was some smoke at first, a small
fire and then huge flames begin to lick at the garbage.

LESSON ONE LEARNT: Lighting a fire is easy if the conditions are good and you do everything right.

The weather conditions were just right—hot and calm with a gentle wind blowing.

If you have been struggling to start a love fire, chances are that something isn’t quite in place.

Mind you, I am not saying that what you feel for your partner should be perfect, or that you should not have self-doubts about your partner.

However, the nature of love is such that once the conditions are conducive; it
quickly ignites and burns away.

•Burning deep:

I had a long pole with which I kept poking at the fire, forcing up to the surface stuff that is buried under layers of garbage.

That is where the fire is, and the idea is to ensure that every bit of garbage in that pit is burned, not just what is on the surface.

LESSON TWO LEARNT: Though starting a fire might be easy, for a relationship to be fulfilling, love must burn deep.

For this to happen, you need to engage the mental gear of love, the one that
over-rides the temptation to bask perpetually in the glory of shallow passion.

Instead, it demands effort in the form of
commitment, responsibility and self-disclosure, as well as exposure.

In this way, love grows to the extent that even when the fire is not visible to
others, we know it is there, burning deep.

•Fire control:

“Fire is a good servant but a bad master”, goes a well-known saying.

That is true because in fact, my energies at the garbage pit were divided almost equally between ensuring the fire burns deep on the one hand and on the other, ensuring it did not burn beyond a certain limit that would set other things in my compound on fire.

LESSON THREE LEARNT: Love is a fire that if left unchecked, can do more harm than good.

You might say that is ridiculous because our responsibility should be to keep love burning, not controlling it.

That might be the case for many, especially after being together for a while and have formed stable relationships.

But think, for example, about the young college students who give up everything: family, friends and studies
once they fall in love.

They are totally consumed with each other for a semester, sometimes a year.

But by the time they come around to reality of life, they discover that in the heat of passion, everything else went up in smoke; their dreams, their health and very, very often, and unfortunately so, their sanity,reputation and life.

I have been there, so I am drawing from facts.

THE ULTIMATE LESSON LEARNT

Be there!

To light a fire, to ensure it burns deep and to control it demands this one thing: your total presence, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Where physical presence is not possible, couples should have a constant,
deliberately planned communication schedule.

Love is not a hit and run affair and cannot be remote controlled.

It is only by being continually present that lovers will know whether there is a fire in their relationship, how deep it is burning, and whether it is burning out of control.

And sometimes,when the fire has burnt itself out to ashes,you just leave it! You can’t start a fire from dead ashes of a broken heart…

At other times,when it threatens to burn out of control,you have to douse the flames with water!

Love is fire that should be warm enough to keep away the cold,not too hot to threaten your very existence.

And if the fire of love ever burns out of control,threatening to burn your car,your house,your designer suits,your very important documents,or your body by dousing it with petrol in the evil crimes of passion, jealousy and revenge from jilted lovers,run for your dear life,my friend!

I have had too many women!

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Driving home this evening,
I could have sworn we had it all worked out,
Then I heard it on the street;
I heard you might have found somebody new,
Well who is he baby?
And tell me what he means to you.

I took it all for granted,
But how was I to know,
That you would be letting go of me so soon?
Now,that cuts like a knife,
But believe me, fresh love still feels so right!

There’s times I’ve been mistaken,
There are times I thought I’d been
misunderstood,
So wait a minute darling,
Can’t you see we did the best we could?
This wouldn’t be the first time,
Things have gone astray,
Now you’ve thrown it all away
Now,that cuts like a knife,
But believe me, fresh love still feels so right!

Looking back to when I was young and
free,
And I owned my life,
and no one owned me,
Someone asked if I could give her a
my heart,
When I said, “Yes,” I made my first
mistake,
Yes, she got her love at last, and so did I,
Then, she broke my heart for another guy,
Oh, I had dreams, you see and I had
plans,
But I traded them for some romance!
Now,that cuts like a knife,
But believe me, fresh love still feels so right!

Look at what I’m facing now,
Another heartbreak is on the way,
just because of chasing
Too many women
Now,that cuts like a knife,
But believe me, fresh love still feels so right!

When I see the mess that I’m now drowning in,
I know why I’m here after what I have
been through;
Chasing too many women!
If the truth be told, I would have to say,
It was still worth the price,
that I had to pay,
Though they break your heart and make
you cry,
I can’t hardly wait ’til the next comes by
For another try, and i don’t know why;
Now,that cuts like a knife,
But believe me, fresh love still feels so right!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A man who has nothing else left in this world, may still know bliss that is love

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I now understood how a man who has nothing left in this world,
may still know bliss that is love,
be it only for a brief moment,
in the contemplation of his beloved.

In a position of utter desolation,
when a man cannot express himself in
positive action,
when his only achievement,
may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way–
an honourable way–in such a
position man can,
through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved,
achieve fulfilment so deeply rooted in his soul.

For the first time in my life,
I am able to understand the words,
“The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory of love.

As you know, my heart is now full,
With all the love you give to me,
But did you know?,
That long ago,
my heart was filled with emptiness,
When It felt so sad
And pain burnt my soul,
It seared that precious part;
My heart was charred,
A blackened mess.

I cursed myself, I couldn’t think,
My mind was chewed right through,
How had I made a mess of things?
A quandary, yes, but true;
How can my life turn round?
I had no clue, not one idea,
On how I’d change my world,
But then I found you,
My shining light,
My beacon in the dark,
The only one who loved me,
Despite my flaws.

You helped me through each dark day,
Until I saw the dawn of my new life,
The darkness faded;
You help me still,
And keep me sane.
Stopping me going mad with loneliness of the heart,
But my love I must admit;

My heart is now so full,
Spilling over the brim;
You changed my dark to light,
My love,
My Muse,
My heart’s liberator.

These words are yours tonight,
My love, you are so wonderful,
To me, no one compares to you,
The things you do and say to me,
They drive me wild,
Through and through.

Take last night,for instance,
You smiled so sweet,
Took my hand,
Kissed me softly,
Guided me,
Gripped me,
Whispered to me,
Such sweet words to my ear,
In your arms,
We moved as one,
My body welded to yours,
Beneath cool white sheets,
My heart, it pounds like a war drum,
My chest wall aches.
In an anticipation of a rapture.

You say the words so soft and sweet,
Only meant for my ears,
And then we fall.
Bodies locked tight,
Lips are locked,
In a passionate kiss,
That can only be drawn by lovers.

And in your arms,
I lay so still,
Until the dawn,
My sweetest thrill…
My mind wanders with sweet delight,
To valleys full of joy,
And a stream that only flows for me,within the lush fluffs,
That crown the source of untold joy and pleasure;
My dreams filled of only you.
Your fingers dip beneath the elastic of my
shorts,
And a mountain rises in a valley,
That was flat just a while ago!

…Telling me how and when to touch,
Commanding me to release the pressure,
Smiling wickedly and telling you to grip
harder,
My breathing shallows,
A deep urge builds,
Not quite yet, you say to me.
To help prolong the thrill.

Can’t hold back,
What now truly belongs to you,my love,
It’s all yours to take!,
Yes, you say,
The time had come;
A shudder washes over me,
And knowing that you’re there,
Watching,
Smiling,
As I slowly let out,
A moan so deep,
it hurts my throat,
Ploughing throw a field,
That is only meant to satiate my need,
My hunger is no longer a pain,
My need is quenched again.

My eyes closed tight,
My breathing slows,
I know not what my body does,
Bursting with streams of thick joy,
as I drift into paradise.
My eyes they slowly trace the line,
Upward, skywards, so divine,
Fingers skip along your leg,
To that place between,
Where the warmth does lie,
Pulses race across your flesh,
Breath it quickens,
Gathering pace,
Teasing with my soul and flesh,
A thousand shocks race against my finger tips….

What’s that, my sweetie?
Speak it loud,
Scream and shout,
Purr for me,
As my fingers dance,
But it seems,
That’s not enough,
Fingers grip your fluffy curls,
Dragging my head to where the fountain of joy sits.
On this stairway,
That leads to paradise,
As your body begs for a dance,
That’s only meant for two!
It is in this bliss of love,
That I finally drift into peaceful sleep,
Still locked in the warm embrace of your loving hands….

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A red rose for my sleeping beauty

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I have put a red rose beside your pillow,
And scattered rose red petals among our bed sheets,
so that in the gentle hours of the night,
we will share dreams,
That are only inspired by our love.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Cultivating true happiness:Some practical thoughts to build on

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Thinking you can avoid suffering is kind
of like thinking you control the ocean
tide.

Just in case you were wondering,
you can’t.

Suffering by definition: the state of
undergoing pain, distress, or hardship.

As humans we typically strive for what we perceive the opposite of suffering,
happiness: the state of being happy.

Of course why wouldn’t you?

Nobody wants to suffer.

But,sometimes in order to appreciate
happiness we have to experience
unhappiness.

We can’t say we are living if we are only choosing to allow in experiences and feelings that feel safe for us.

I once viewed myself as a very unhappy and reactive person.

I worked very hard to be an unreactive happy person.

You know those people who go to yoga
every day and glide though life with a calm flow, but then you are driving with them one day and someone cuts them off and they lose their mind, waving their fist and swearing? That was me.

I had even started to refer to myself as 80 percent Buddhist and the other 20 percent of the time was reserved for “other.”

Maybe part of happiness is not avoiding
suffering?

Maybe to experience happiness
we actually have to experience everything else, including suffering.

There is a place in the middle that
respects our entire being,in other words,our middle ground.

It is a place where we can be everything and anything.

It is place where we are gentle with
ourselves and brave.

It is a place where we can embrace it all,
with the understanding that each thread is important in weaving our story.

Rather than chasing happiness or running
from suffering there is another place we
can go, an action we can take.

I almost feel foolish for missing it for so long, as it is simple.

It is called being yourself.

It is a humble place, a sometimes scary place, a gentle place, and a place full of wonder, love, and opportunity.

All you have to do is simply be yourself.

And like everyone else,embrace the life’s middle ground.

And both suffering and happiness will serve to give you a higher experience as an all round human being.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A wheel chair,and a female doctor with dimples-what a good luck!

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Men only go see a doctor if they have a
bleeding hole in their head. Mostly from being shot by silly carjackers,or having a beer bottle splitting their brains into two halves in a beer brawl.

And men hate it if and when, they have to be wheeled around the hospital in a wheel chair!

So,when I drove myself to hospital to have some persistent pain and swelling on my right leg around the calf muscle checked at the hospital,I was not expecting to be wheeled in a wheechair to the emergency room!

Didn’t the case screening clinical officer know that I had just driven myself here,and I expected to be attended to and then proceed to a weekend outing with friends,on this Friday afternoon?

But you can ask for a wheelchair the next
time you visit the hospital, even if you
just have a flu and you are on piritons
and you are a wus of a man.

They won’t have the heart to say no.

Plus, it’s not like they have to worry about fuelling the damn thing.

Or, as in my case,they might force you into a wheelchair!

The only problem being wheeled around is that people sort of stare at you and wonder what you could be suffering from.
They wonder if you have some sort of enzyme deficiency that has been responsible for reducing your testosterone levels to that of a frigid woman ; if the bad enzymes had finally caught up with you,then you have to bear this disgrace with fortitude..

He called for a wheelchair but I told him
that I was cool, I could walk it. He said
he would be more comfortable if I was
wheeled instead and I wondered, heck!
Am I actually dying and this guy isn’t telling me?

This orderly pushed me around, without saying a word. Chaps who push you on a
wheelchair aren’t used to conversation
because the people they usually push
are normally too busy listening to their
own pain.

But I’m always curious at what
people do and I can’t shut up in the
morning, so I asked him, “Who is the
one patient you pushed on a wheelchair
that you remember the most,and did he die in the end?”

He didn’t say a word for a while, and when I sort of turned to see if someone was still pushing me or I was on cruise control, he sort of mumbled, “eeh, hiyo lazima nifikirie.”( “Give me time to think about this one”). I believe he’s still thinking about his answer.

I was wheeled into emergency room,to my horror! So I’m actually dying?

A rushed and hustled petite lady with
short hair was my radiologist. She asked
me to change into this blue garb of a dress that they tell you to wear during examination at the hospital,completely naked underneath it, and lie
on my back.

She said “We are going to have a look at your right leg, is this your right leg, Bernard?” I said indeed it was
my right leg. It felt like a court
proceeding:

I know its procedure: they want to know if you are still conscious,or you are so messed up by whatever you are suffering from to be logical and coherent, but she kept asking
me if that was my right leg.

Even doctors don’t believe in complete mastering of mental faculties of a man who has to be wheeled around in a wheel chair.

She asked so many times I started suspecting it wasn’t my right leg.

She pressed some cold gooey stuff down my strong hard muscular thighs (just let me have that one) then ran her handheld gadget on it as she stared at her screen intently, taking pictures of my veins.

After 15mins she announced nonchalantly: “You have a clot in your vein.”

A what??

I don’t know if you know this,my dear reader, but people die from clots in their veins.

Clots ride up to your heart and just when you are ordering a much needed drink on a Friday afternoon after a long hard week, you will fall off your stool and die with the words, “…Gilbey’s Gin on the
rocks, pleas…” on your lips. Or die on
your steering wheel just as the lights
change green.

Or in your sleep.

Clots are sneaky bastards who don’t warn you.

Now that explained the wheelchair!

In a very steady voice, I asked a leading
question like the ones chicks always ask
us. The ones that have no right answer.

Like when your lovely chick who has been adding more weight ever since you started dating asks you if she is ok in that blue tight fitting dress that she last wore during her high school days when she weighed fifty kilos less than today!

Anyway, back to the radiologist. I asked
her: “Is this clot thing a good thing or a
bad thing?”

And I half expected her to say, “I dunno, Bernard, why don’t you
Google that? We have free wifi here in the hospital.” Hehe.

She said, “It’s not a good thing and it’s
not a bad thing, but you know it’s below
your knees where the vessels are smaller
and far from the heart, now that we
have seen it on time, the doctor will
decide the course of treatment…” I
drifted off as she spoke. I will be honest,
I panicked. I don’t want to die. There is
so much to do.

Because of the pain the doctor put me
on a drip. The IV rig was set up by a chirpy male nurse who explained that I might feel nauseous.

He hooked me up and before closing the curtains to my cubicle, he said, Press this red button here in case you need help.

Two minutes later, I wanted to test if the red thing actually works and how long they take to get to my bed,just in case I will be dying suddenly.

I wanted to test if he can move faster than my clot that was now moving to my dear heart, so I pressed it.

He was there in a flash. “Yes, Bernard
everything OK?”

I swear if it was a female nurse I would have told her with a dramatic whisper, “Please stay with me, I’m scared, hold my hand, don’t go. I’m scared of this bloody clot, here, let me put my head on your chest…” Hehe. Then see what she will do.

But it was the damn male nurse again, so I said, “how do I recline this bed, boss?”

And he reclined it. Then moved the red button so far away from me with that look that seemed to say, “This, Bernard, is not a toy.”

When you are told something like you
have a clot, everything quiets down in your life.

Literally.

Just some whirling thoughts of your soon to be funeral keep running like a stuck movie loop in your mind.

The hospital ruckus behind the curtain quieted.

I lay there, staring at the white ceiling thinking, heck, this is how people die. No warning.

The first call I made was to the only “mother” I have left – Daisy, my partner.

Sickness makes a child out of all of us.

And Daisy is the only “mother” I can cry to in this distress.

She was more panicked than me after that call,and she literally flew to my bedside in a rain of tears. Poor Daisy! She may have to look for another guy to lean on after I’m gone. She deserves another shoulder to cry on…

Maybe it was the drug, but by this time I
was so calm. She listened to my calm sober story in total disbelief.

We normally go to bed at night already planning about the next day because we assume that the next day is assured.

We forget to live because there is always
something we have to do.

Someone who we have to see. A goal we have to achieve. Money we have to make. People we have to compare ourselves to. The daily rat race of life catches up with us and it makes us forget life.

We forget to smell the flowers, figuratively of course.

All this while, a clot forms in your vein.

Or a cancerous cell builds in your
stomach.

That clot made me take a step back and
say, “wait, slow down.”

As I lay there, Dave, my marketing collegue at the office called. I had completely forgotten
the interview with a local TV station, an
interview that we have been talking
about for ages. It was scheduled for
11am in Thika. It was 10am and I was
hooked up to a drip in Parklands.

It amazed me how quickly life changes and how when it changes certain things lose their urgency.

“Dave, not today, please.” I
told Dave that I was in hospital and
that I would call when done to
reschedule. He didn’t sound like he
believed me.

I looked at my phone calendar.

I had things to do. Tons of things. Things I was going to have to cancel. Money I was
going to lose.

As I lay there,literally dying for two days in a hospital bed,I remembered a different case that involved a collegue who had been bitten by a tick,and his case had been misdiagnosed.

So I rang the red button again,and when the grumpy male nurse came shuffling in without hurry, I told him that I would like to have a second opinion on my diagnosis.

The hospital authorities consented to my request.

A specialist lady doctor from another hospital was going to give the second opinion.

I explained to her that I have been working at Maasai Mara game reserve on a waste water treatment project for game lodges and tented camps,and could I have been bitten by a tick in the course of my duties?

She was the most beautiful lady doctor I have ever met with hypotonising eyes and a dimpled smile.

She did tests, an MRI, studied my
ultrasound results. She stuck a cold
stethoscope on my chest.
She listened to my lungs and my heart, and asked a ton of questions. She studied my calf.

All tests came out great. My heart was perfect. So were my lungs. She said that she wasn’t convinced that the black dot in my vein was actually a clot. And in case it was too small to cause any significant damage.

But she said she wants to err on the side
of caution and asked me to continue
taking the drugs for another week just
to be sure.

And when she finally presented the final results on a cold Monday morning,my world literally lit up on her accompanying dimpled smile; it was a tick bite infection afterall! With just a few painful injections on my butt,I was going to be fine,and possibly good to go for another hundred years!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

PART TWO: Chastity,my daughter,how can I ever tell you that you are a stranger in my life?

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PART TWO

The shrieks of monkeys by our house in the KWS staff quarters was not exactly what Chastity expected for her morning greetings.
She came from her bedroom walking noiselessly on the wood tile floor,tip-toeing to sit on my lap.
I stroked her head to calm her down.
She was silent throughout this ordeal.
It was like watching a pantomime play.
She looked scared.
The house, for one thing was strange to her.
She had slept through the journey late into the night,and was still asleep on our arrival.
She slept on the lorry’s cabin as we offloaded our belongings.
I only unpacked the essential items that we could use through the night,and then put her to bed to continue with her slumber.
From her surprised looks,I could tell that the morning had come too soon for her.
Not to mention the strange animal noises in our new compound.
I knew she was not ready to take her breakfast,not before she ascertained what kind of racket was going on outside our door.
“Daddy,what is making those noises?”
“Some monkeys,baby girl(a pet name that I used on her),would you like to see them?”
“Yes. Draw the curtains daddy. Can I see them through the window?”
A tactful girl.
She wanted this show to come in small bits.
I carried her to the window.
Monkeys were doing their thing,swinging by tree branches and gracing their sport with numerous shrill shrieks.
Chastity held me tightly wrapping her small arms round my neck.
“They won’t bite you,but don’t try to throw any food at them,or carry your food outside the door”.
I took the opportunity to impress on her some necessary precautions she must now start adopting in our new home.
Some monkeys were atop the roof of a parked Landcruiser.
She watched these ones with both fascination and dread.
In her young beautiful mind,she could see that the clear cut bondaries between animals and humans were erased in this environment. She held me more tightly as she watched them,but relaxed her grip when she spotted a baby monkey clinging to her mother as she dashed across the compound.
There is something about babies that mellows the hearts of all of us.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

Our reception at the Officer-in-Charge of the station was quite eventful for all parties.
Chastity was wary about the many monkeys that graced the compound as we walked to the office block.
She only managed to take a few steps before pleading with me to carry the rest of the way to the office block.
“I’m scared,Daddy”.
“Ok,but you will have to get used to them,baby girl. See,other children are walking all by themselves across the compound”.
“Will they be my friends?”
“The monkeys?”.
“No. The children. Will I play with them?”
“Yes,off course,after you get to know them. Make them your friends!”

¤¤¤¤¤¤

The officer in charge had not expected me to bring along a toddler.
I had clearly indicated during my last interview that I was single.
That was only eight months ago.

“Welcome. Is she your daughter?”
“Well,yes. It is a long story,but I will explain it to you when I’m settled here”
“No problem. How was your journey? Did you enjoy the night here? It is rather noisy with all these monkeys around,but you will get used to it”.
He was a man with things to do and he did not waste his time on niceties.
He was not expected answers to his questions because he buzzed an intercom and a lady in her thirties was also ushered into the office.
“Meet Dr. Kimathi. She heads our veterinary department. She will take over from where I’ve left and show you around. Good day,and enjoy yourselves!”

He was already done in two minutes.
None of had said a word.
We were soon dismissed and ushered out of his office.
Dr. Kimathi held Chastity’s hand as we walked along an open walled corridor to her office.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

“I’d like to apologise for Dr. Richmond’s abrupt demeanour,but that’s how is towards everyone around here,and not just you in particular”,Dr. Kimathi said as she invited us to her corner office.

“He must, however,have been taken off guard by your daughter’s presence,how old is she?”

“She’s three and six months old now. I’m sorry I didn’t declare her presence during my interviews for this position”.

“You should have done it…that declaration would have helped us to assign you a house in our married quarters,but you need not worry,I will correct that oversight and assign you the right house in the due course of time”.

Chastity who had been silent since our reception at O-i-Charge’s office looked more relaxed and was swinging her legs over her seat.

“Do you want us to move to another house,baby girl?”,I asked Chastity to deflect this uncomfortable discourse.
“No,Daddy. I like our new house,and the baby monkey!”
Dr. Kimathi burst into pearls of good natured laughter at Chastity’s comment.
I admit that her comment took me by surprise too.

“There it is,Dr. Kimathi. My daughter prefers the house that you have already assigned to us”.

“But her mother might prefer a bigger house…..”

“I don’t think so…..I mean,her mother is dead…it is a long story…”

“Oh-im sorry to hear that…what’s your daughter’s name by the way? Is it baby girl?”

“Chastity”.

“What a cute name!,come here Chastity”.

Dr. Kimathi held Chastity as she took me through the job description and responsibilities of my new position.

There was something motherly about the way she held my baby girl.

She finally ended her talk by saying that I was to embark on a six month induction course at Montana National Park in the U.S.A.

She cryptically added that she was going to be one of the courses facilitators,and both of us will fly out in three weeks time.

This information dampened my enthusiasm for my new position.

Having to fly out of the country would complicate matters for Chastity.

I could not figure out how Chastity would fit in on these new arrangements.

My mind had taken leave from the present,and Dr. Kimathi’s lovely voice jolted me back to the present moment.

“I’m sorry to bring this up too soon,but what arrangements do you have for Chastity? She can join our baby care unit,or join the pre-unit class”.

“Well,that would be very much ok for now,it is the six month’s induction course that I’m really worried about; I can’t afford to leave her behind too soon….”

“Mmmh…that’s right…I had not foreseen it from that angle,but please leave that to me. I will see what we can do,probably in the way of some local arrangements”.

“Thank you…but I wouldn’t want to leave her behind..”

“Worry not,I’ll see what can be done along those lines”,she said firmly

“By the way,I also live next to your house on the Singles Quarters,three houses along the row from yours. Chastity can pay me a visit whenever she likes,isn’t that so Chastity? Would you like to come to my house?”

Chastity started sucking at her thumb.
That’s what she does whenever she is facing difficult situations,or questions that she has no answers to. It is a game she played very well with the children’s welfare officer during her visits.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

Dr. Kimathi introduced us to quite a number of other administrative officers as we paid them courtesy calls in their offices within the Admin block.

She also took us to the staff canteen during the lunchtime break where we met Range officers.

She is a very self-effacing lady without any pretentious mien. She was at home with her juniors as well as her seniors.

Late in the afternoon,she drove us for short game drive within the park.

We saw quite a number of animal,and one injured monkey that had been caught in hunting traps outside the park.

She darted it with anaesthesia gun from her land cruiser,and we took the opportunity to redress its wounds.

Chastity was fascinated by this game drive where she saw numerous number of wildlife animals.

She had sat at the front cabin with Dr. Kimathi who acted as her tour guide,pointing out and telling her the name of all different animals.

I was very happy for my baby girl who was quite happy and excited on this game drive.

I,however,was slightly apprehensive about the way she was taken in by Dr. Kimathi’s charm.

I was not ready to lose my baby girl to anyone too soon.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

The afternoon drive ended right outside Dr. Kimathi’s house.
Chastity and I were invited for a cup of tea and biscuits before retiring to our residence.
Our host changed from a no nonsense professional to a motherly host who was eager to help us feel at home.
Her sitting room was graced with stuffed animals and Chastity had a rough time trying to figure out whether they were the real thing or what.
She clung to me,until our host demonstrated and explained to her that the stuffed animals were harmless.
The fish aquarium stole her interest.
She couldn’t get enough of the ornamental live fish swimming in the aquarium.
She happily asked a lot of questions to Dr.Kimathi about these beutiful creatures and she humbly obliged.
Dr. Kimathi had a lovely National Geographic DVD that she played for Chastity on Marine life.
Chastity was quite taken in by all this.
In the end,we took a lovely supper of green peas sauce and delicious chapatis and Dr. Kimathi’s before retiring to our residence.
It had been my most lovely evening since Chantelle left me.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

After putting Chastity to bed,I had a train of thoughts swirling in my mind about my future,Chastity’s young life that was now under my care and guardianship.
I also thought and deeply missed Chantelle.
But I had not quite forgiven her for haughty attitude towards Chastity.
Why couldn’t she believe me?
Was it worth it,throwing away all the life we had shared together for this silly misunderstanding?
Why couldn’t she find it in her heart to treat Chastity the way Dr. Kimathi had treated her,after only knowing her for a few hours?
Will Chastity ever enjoy the love of mother in her life again.
What’s a man like me supposed to do….how can I raise up Chastity alone?
Will I leave her behind during my six month induction course?
Can I convince the office to allow me to take her along with me?
My sleepy mind was overwhelmed by these torturous thoughts.
By I had a brilliant insight about formalising my adoption of Chastity.
I will call the Mombasa Children’s welfare officer the first thing in the morning and request her to help me in obtaining an official birth certificate for Chastity under my Surname.
Chantelle,you left me when I needed you most….
Sleep came to me easily after this resolution.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Your smile always brings me to my knees

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Every man should be lucky enough,
To experience the true love of a lifetime;
That’s what you brought into my life…,
The most amazing love I’ve ever known.

When first we met,
I knew we could be something special;
I was wrong,
We are something amazing,
and I’m blown away,
that I’m so lucky to have you.

We get better and better with time,
Your smile always brings me to my knees,
I love being around you,
I yearn for you,
I appreciate you,
You’re my gift from God.

You’re my angel,
I want you,
I adore you,
I need you,
Me and you. Always.

You had me right from that first moment, when you said “hello.”
You inspire me,
You brighten my days,
You rock my world,
You’re perfect for me.

When I’m with you everything is
better….,
even on the bad days,
I wouldn’t trade your love,
for anything else in the world,
because when I have you,
I have everything.

Can you remember our first kiss?
Our first time together?
The first time our eyes met?
I felt in all with each magical experience,
and
divine intimacy,
We are connected…you and I,
And what we share…..is beyond good, It’s amazing.

I can now hear the sound,
of your heart beating,
And please don’t say a word,
‘Cause I already know what you’re feeling,
Just hold me close,
don’t be afraid,
these arms won’t let your heart break.

I’ll make love to you-so soft and tender,
I promise you with every breath i take,
These arms won’t let your heart break,
These eyes will worship you and adore you,
And these hands will love you every day
darling,
the only guarantee i can make to you;
these arms won’t let your heart break.

I’m right here,
just take my hand i’ll love you,
Like you want me to,
One thing is for sure,
Make no mistake about it,
My arms won’t let your heart break.

These eyes of mine will worship you and adore you,
These hands will love you every day,
Darling, the only guarantee i can make;
These arms won’t let your heart break.

Like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon,
you are about to soar,
Your beauty and grace,
takes everyone’s breath away,
And your strength keeps it all together,
In this magic that you brought into my life,
That I call love!

In the word “Love”, we have everything,
that we will ever need in this life,
You and I.

And when you lift your face,
And smile full into my eyes,
Just before bestowing that sweet kiss,
Into my eager waiting lips,
You make me your slave in love,
For another hundred years!

I want you ready for my love!

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A response to “Your voice is the soundtrack of my life….”
,

By Daisy

I want to be your confidant,
as you pen your deepest thoughts,
as your joys and heartaches,
bleed and finally break free,
Your dreams, I want keep,
as if my own.

I want to smile as you smile,
and giggle with you at nothing at all,
I want to be your lover,
and find the passions,
that move you to lover’s rapture,
I want to be the softness,
that induces you to trust a woman.

I want to be the naughty with you,
And make you come back for more,
I want to please you,
As best as a woman can please a man.

I want to share your breakfast,
and your dinner too,
I want you in the shower with me,
and be in your bed at night,
with soft steps to bring you a cocktail nightcap for two.

Your strong arms,
the legs that power your thrust into paradise,
your lips of pleasure,
these are the fuel of my desire,
no it is no secret, my love,
and to put it very simply,
I want you all,just for myself!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®
</

Your voice is the soundtrack of my life…

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Your voice is the soundtrack of my life,
Your smile, my warmth on
cold and empty days,
Your arms, a refuge for my soul,
And when everybody else can’t tell what the future holds for them,
I clearly see my future in your eyes;
I live,just for you!

Chastity,my daughter,how can I ever tell you that you are a stranger in my life?

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PART ONE

I’m now sixty years old.
A senior bachelor.
I have a loving daughter,Chastity,the love of my life.
She is thirty six years old.
I’m expecting her any time now to land on a flight from Frankfurt,Germany,
She is coming back from her study leave for her doctorate degree in Sociology.
I’m losing my mind in anticipation of this reunion with my daughter.
My eyes are moist with tears of joy and anticipation.
At this point in my life,I can’t help looking back at the fate that brought Chastity into my life,thirty three odd years ago.
I was only twenty seven on that fateful day that her mother died.
These are the thoughts that are swirling in my mind,like a fog being swept by whirlwind.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

On that fateful day,thirty three years ago,I was coming back to Nairobi from our coastal town of Mombasa.

I had just been employed as a junior Veterinary Officer in the Civil service and longing to visit my upcountry home after six months at my new duty station.

The daunting eight hour journey by bus was only a small price to pay to quench this longing that had now taken a permanent residence in my heart.

I had reported earlier than usual at the bus coach ticketing office for this journey back home.

But as I gathered during my anxious wait for the departure,I was not the only one eager to make this long journey to Nairobi; a young Muslim woman with a beautiful young daughter was also waiting on the office bench for the same bus.

Her daughter kept on pestering her about when they will start their journey.

Her flimsy bits of answers and motherly assurances helped me gather that they were going to be fellow passengers on the same coach.

¤¤¤¤¤

The young family sat next to me on the seat rows.
The crooning of the bus engine and fatigue sent me to the land of dreams after only a few miles into our long journey.
But not before the toddler who was seating between her mum and I, also fell asleep on my lap.
Her mother too,covered in full black Muslim dress with veil that only allowed a narrow slit for her eyes, had too fallen asleep holding her handbag on her laps.
The only free pillow available to the toddler was my lap.
She snored peacefully in her slumber.
Occasionally,her mother would stir awake and try to move the sleeping toddler off my lap,but she would fall back to her free pillow soon enough during her sleepy tosses and turns.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

I was awakened by violent and torturous swaying of the coach amidst screams of my fellow passengers.
The coach had suffered a front wheel tyre burst and the driver was unsuccessfully trying to regain the control of the vehicle.
It was swaying from one side of the road to the other with metallic screeching noises in the undercarriage.
My harshly awakened mind told me to prepare for the worst.
There was no way the driver was going to regain control of the vehicle at this high speed.
Then it happened.
We rolled several times with deafening bangs on each violent landing.
Seats came off the floor pan of the coach and were flying like murderous demons inside the coach.
Screams and groans filled the air.
I felt dizzy and numbed by the violent bangs on my body.
Bodies and bits of personal luggage were flying out through the broken windows.
Then,it all fell silent,except for the hissing of a burst engine radiator but only for a few seconds.
Screams and groans lent the air once again.
Those who could move at all, were now scrambling through the broken windows and gaping tears on the coach.
I couldn’t move.
I was trapped between the loose seats,luggage and other injured or dead passengers,all in a heap,with the bus lying upside down on its roof.
Something was moving across my heavy laden chest.
Then there was a faint cry.
I could only hear the words “mummy, mummy”.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

A haze was clearing from my heavily sedated mind.
There was smell of medicine on my nose.
My face felt tight under the bandages.
As the fog cleared from my mind,I heard repeated questions over my face: “what’s your name? Can you hear me? Can you see me?”
The voice seemed to be coming from a very long distance.
A blurry face was towering over my head.
Another voice,a toddler’s crying voice was becoming distinct next to blurry face.
They had found her clutched to me when they freed us from the wreckage.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

I spent two weeks at Voi District Hospital after the accident,or rather,we spent two weeks there,the unidentified toddler and I.

When I came to,I found that they had tagged us both with the same serial number on our wrist bracelet.

They supposed we were possibly relatives travelling together.

But there was no trace of the toddler’s mother. Nobody had claimed the toddler either,from this hospital.
I could neither convince the hospital staff nor the police that I was not the toddler’s father trying to shun responsibility after the accident.

¤¤¤¤¤

On my day of discharge from the hospital,I had unexpected visitors waiting for me in the hospital’s administration office.
When I sat down,I realised that they were a children’s welfare officer and a policewoman.
They wanted me to sign some papers.
I had to declare that I was going to take away my “daughter” with me on my discharge.
I also had to allow a children’s welfare officer into my home for surprise visits as a follow up on how I was faring as a “reluctant parent” with my daughter.
Things were moving very fast in my life after the accident,in the wrong direction.
All these officers seemed to have conspired to offload the toddler into my life as fast as they could.
They even offered to offset her bill at the hospital on my behalf.
The children welfare office was going to take care of the bill.
I was tongue tied.

¤¤¤¤¤

“So, what is your daughters name?”,the children’s welfare officer asked me after a lengthy dawdling with her pen.

“Chastity”,a name that just flew from the top of my head.

“How old is she?”

” I honestly don’t know”.

“Make it easy for us and yourself too, by giving us the right details”.

“The doctor says in this report that she is three,so I will put it here that your daughter is three”.

There was no way out of this mess.
A soft knock on the door brought me back to the reality of my situation.
I was being forced to adopt a child I didn’t know.
There was no information on her mother on the scene of the accident from police report,nor from the hospital records of the victims.
Chantelle,my long time girlfriend had come to drive me home after my discharge.
She was now watching us silently as I signed the papers on the table.
“Is she your daughter’s mother?”,the policewoman asked me looking at Chantelle.
“No”.
Chantelle looked at me in askance.
I avoided her eyes.
“Are we taking her with us?”,Chantelle asked me,bewildered.
“Yes. It is a long story. I will explain when we get home”.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

The drive home was silent,except for Chastity who kept asking Chantelle where her mum was.
Chantelle feigned concentration in her driving ignoring the toddler.
She would not even dare look at me either.
A big storm was brewing in my life.
I was not looking forward to arriving at my home,even after this long absence.
I had a sense of foreboding that my life was going to change forever once the three of us were home.
¤¤¤¤¤¤

“You know I will going back to Rwanda tomorrow to see my parents,so,who is this girl?”

” I honestly don’t know”.

Then I told her the strange story about the accident and how no one could trace her mother,and so she was forced into me as my daughter.

Chantelle rolled her beautiful eyes after I finished my story.

“May be it is you who is not searching hard enough for the mother of your daughter. I always suspected some monkey business in this relationship.
But you are lucky that I’m going away tomorrow. That will give you enough time to sort out your many other relationships”.

“You can’t throw those unkind words back at me,Chantelle. Not after I’ve explained this whole strange story to you”.

“The story is strange to me,but I’m not sure that it is strange to you”.

That was the last that I heard from Chantelle,and the last I saw of her too.

I heard later on that she had sought political asylum in Canada.

¤¤¤¤¤

Chastity was a good child,outgoing and obedient.
I had now resigned myself to being a father without having ever been married,or fathering a child of my own,under whatever other circumstances.
The children’s welfare officer visited us several times and kept pestering Chastity about the whereabouts of her mother in a backhanded sort of interrogation. She simply didn’t know where her mother was,she kept saying,and the bewilderment in her eyes after this incisive questioning touched the depths of my soul.
What has become of me?
Why couldn’t anybody believe me?
Am I living in a bubble of a dream,or my life was real?

¤¤¤¤¤

Six months after the accident,I received an appointment letter from Kenya Wildlife Services (KWS) inviting me to join their veterinary department.
I had been interviewed for this position and I had given up on it after a long wait.
My new duty station was going to be the Animal Orphanage in Nairobi National Park.
Chastity had joined a baby care center in our residential neighbourhood and had made many friends.
I was happy for her,under the circumstances.
She was a jolly and outgoing child.
It had taken her quite a while to bring herself to call me Daddy.
When I first heard her call me Daddy,I cried.
Now,she was going to be uprooted from her familiar neighbourhood where she had made friends to a new home in the wild.
My heart cried for her.
I gently tried to explain to her that we will move to a new home and she is going to make new friends.
All she asked was,”will I get to see my friends again?”.
How does one honestly answer such a question to a child who may not understand that we were moving away from this place that she called her home,and we may never get a chance to come back here again?

¤¤¤¤¤¤

The children’s welfare officer after listening to my reasons of relocating from her area of jurisdiction said she was satisfied that I was going to be a good father to Chastity,and there was no need of handing over my case to the Children’s welfare officer in Nairobi.
I should however get in touch with her incase I encounter any problems related to this case.
With that,Chastity and I bid farewell to our home and boarded a KWS lorry that transported our belongings to the new Nairobi home right inside the Nairobi National Park.
As we crossed the junction to Voi town on our way to Nairobi,my heart was overcome with very strong emotions.
I requested the lorry driver to stop by the roadside and took Chastity down with me.
My eyes were moist.
I took a handful of soil by the roadside and put it in a paperbag.
I asked Chastity to do the same and she gleefully agreed thinking that this was a good sport to play with “Daddy”.
She threw several handfuls into the paper bag and we embarked on our journey.
The lorry driver kept stealing nervous glances at us and the paper bag holding the soil.
He never commented or asked what it was all about.
But he started driving very carefully for the rest stretch of our journey.
Mombasa is famous for black magic.
He seemed to have decided not to take any chances with his driving after our strange episode by the roadside.

¤¤¤¤¤¤
{ A short preview of part two of this continuing story}
PART TWO

The shrieks of monkeys by our house in the KWS staff quarters was not exactly what Chastity expected for her morning greetings.
She came from her bedroom walking noiselessly on the wood tile floor,tip-toeing to sit on my lap.
I stroked her head to calm her down.
She was silent throughout this ordeal.
It was like watching a pantomime play.
She looked scared.
The house, for one thing was strange to her.
She had slept through the journey late into the night,and was still asleep on our arrival.
She slept on the lorry’s cabin as we offloaded our belongings.
I only unpacked the essential items that we could use through the night,and then put her to bed to continue with her slumber.
From her surprised looks,I could tell that the morning had come too soon for her.
Not to mention the strange animal noises in our new compound.
I knew she was not ready to take her breakfast,not before she ascertained what kind of racket was going on outside our door.
“Daddy,what is making those noises?”
“Some monkeys,baby girl(a pet name that I used on her),would you like to see them?”
“Yes. Draw the curtains daddy. Can I see them through the window?”
A tactful girl.
She wanted this show to come in small bits.
I carried her to the window.
Monkeys were doing their thing,swinging by tree branches and gracing their sport with numerous shrill shrieks.
Chastity held me tightly wrapping her small arms round my neck.
“They won’t bite you,but don’t try to throw any food at them,or carry your food outside the door”.
I took the opportunity to impress on her some necessary precautions she must now start adopting in our new home.
Some monkeys were atop the roof of a parked Landcruiser.
She watched these ones with both fascination and dread.
In her young beautiful mind,she could see that the clear cut bondaries between animals and humans were erased in this environment. She held me more tightly as she watched them,but relaxed her grip when she spotted a baby monkey clinging to her mother as she dashed across the compound.
There is something about babies that mellows the hearts of all of us.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

Our reception at the Officer-in-Charge of the station was quite eventful for all parties.
Chastity was wary about the many monkeys that graced the compound as we walked to the office block.
She only managed to take a few steps before pleading with me to carry the rest of the way to the office block.
“I’m scared,Daddy”.
“Ok,but you will have to get used to them,baby girl. See,other children are walking all by themselves across the compound”.
“Will they be my friends?”
“The monkeys?”.
“No. The children. Will I play with them?”
“Yes,off course,after you get to know them. Make them your friends!”

¤¤¤¤¤¤

The officer in charge had not expected me to bring along a toddler.
I had clearly indicated during my last interview that I was single.
That was only eight months ago.

“Welcome. Is she your daughter?”
“Well,yes. It is a long story,but I will explain it to you when I’m settled here”
“No problem. How was your journey? Did you enjoy the night here? It is rather noisy with all these monkeys around,but you will get used to it”.
He was a man with things to do and he did not waste his time on niceties.
He was not expected answers to his questions because he buzzed an intercom and a lady in her thirties was also ushered into the office.
“Meet Dr. Kimathi. She heads our veterinary department. She will take over from where I’ve left and show you around. Good day,and enjoy yourselves!”

He was already done in two minutes.
None of had said a word.
We were soon dismissed and ushered out of his office.
Dr. Kimathi held Chastity’s hand as we walked along an open walled corridor to her office.

¤¤¤¤¤¤

Full text of PART TWO will be published in the next post. Keep it here!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Love is bleeding from my bald head

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The night is still.
A stillness that fills me with a sense of dread.
I just can’t sleep.
I have tried but I keep failing.
I am lying in bed staring
blankly at the wall.
My heart is in turmoil.

Besides me, in deep uneasy slumber is Kate, the woman I regarded my
soulmate.

I am not sure if that is still the case.
In the stillness of the night, I can hear her tranquil breathing.
Her lovely plump cheeks, usually chocolate-hued, are now crimson with streaks of tears.
We just had an acrimonious exchange that saw her accuse me of all manner of things.
In a fit of unbridled fury, she hurled a glass at me,which shattered on my balding head.
I nearly passed out.
Blood gushed out, but I made no
attempt to wipe it off.
I have stopped bleeding, but the pain is still maddeningly intense.
If she thought that her act of
senseless violence would beget the same from me then she was mistaken.
I am a gentleman, sensible
enough to know that an act of violence against a member of the opposite sex is a sign of weakness,an unforgivable abomination.
That’s a principle I have practised all my life, a philosophy I consider
inviolate, almost sacred.
As if her first act of violence were not enough,Kate provoked me further by clasping at mybloody shirt and shaking me violently, whiletearfully demanding answers that I couldn’t provide.
She seemed certain of my guilt and no
amount of explaining could assuage her baseless anger.
I chose to be silent, hoping that it would prove golden.
Our young relationship is buckling under the weight of her unreasonableness, her unjustified suspicion and mistrust that no amount of cajoling has succeeded in placating.
I have gone to unimaginable lengths to keep it from imploding but Kate has other ideas.
This is now beyond me.
I yearn for peace.
Peace of mind that only walking away from this mess of a relationship can provide.
My sanity is on the edge.
I have to do what a man with sense in
my shoes would do, take flight from this pain.
Kate has chosen to believe the words of her cunning friends over mine.
“I am toying with her heart,” they say, but nothing could be further from
the truth.
Despite my weaknesses, which are
typical of any man, I have never contemplated infidelity.
I am sure Mercy, who I gather also doubles as Kate’s confidant, is behind all the troubles plaguing my love life.
I rejected Mercy’s many diabolical overtures and now I think she is the one
filling Kate’s mind with lies about me.
It is the best way for her to get back at me.
Her sweet revenge.
My instinct tells me that Kate isn’t worth fighting for.
“A woman of doubtful breeding isn’t worth this pain and emotional blood-letting,” I tell myself.
I have reached the end of my tether.
I tried to patch things up but, unfortunately the more I tried,
the more things fell apart, escalating with every attempt.
Perhaps I was not up to the task.
When she wakes up, I will have gone.
To where?
I don’t know.
But it will be far away from her
reach that I can never trace my way back to her evil arms.
With her nervous disposition and fragile
psychology, she may contemplate revenge.
I just hope it doesn’t get that far.
With time, if she chooses a more sober love- life, she will come to grips with the fact that we were never meant to be. Fate had other plans.
Her ageing, widowed mother who suffers from high blood pressure, will
never forgive me for walking away.
In my mind, I can see her cursing me, wishing me ill for leaving her daughter.
Strange how much rides on this unprecedented decision I am about to make.
Too much for one man, but I will bear it all like the man that I am.
As for Kate, only time will tell what will become of her.
The cautious kiss that I plant on her cheek will be the last of the many that we’ve shared.
I wish her well,though my love for her is now bleeding from my bald head.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My birthday,another handwritten chapter by God of all the dreams that I pursue in my life….

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A day in ten is going to be my birthday; a new day has come
It is better for me than it will be for some
To those who are suffering, know I wish
you peace
May the light of morning bring needed
release
From dawn until evening, I pray you will
find
A never ending path of sweet memories
in mind
This may be my hour and my time to
shine
Yet, on this, my birthday, know your
heart is mine.
Today is my birthday; I’m grateful, you
see
I welcome each challenge this year offers
me
Through hardship I’ve travelled; I’ve
conquered in stride
With the grace of God evermore at my
side
Each day of my life forms good fortune,
anew
A handwritten chapter of dreams I pursue
And so, as I wake to greet five score and more years
I look back and forward not in sorrow, but with happy tears.
Today is my birthday and this is my
prayer
I wish heaps of love to my friends
everywhere
For you have stood by me, through thick
and through thin
And I know you would do the same, yet
again
I wish you blue skies filled with sunshine,a panorama
And pray that warm tidings are near to
your door
I may now be older, but I feel so blessed
To have you, my friends, for indeed,
you’re the best.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

From nowhere to fame

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So many times in my life
These few dreams of mine
Seem hidden behind
A mountain too high to climb
But you were the one
Who said, ‘go on, follow your star’
When the song in my heart
Was just a voice in the dark
You could hear my mellow key
There’s only one moon
That shines in the night
And only one love in my life
Only one love in my life,
I’m a ship on the open ocean darling
You’re my guiding light
The radio played
My new song today
And I heard someone say
‘Man, he sure got it made into a nice heap’
If only they knew how much you
Have made of me
Together we came
From nowhere to fame
And I never could have made it
Alone
For me there’s only one moon
That shines in the night
And only one love in my life
You’re my guiding light
And you’re the only love in my life

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My body,the palace of my soul,is now broken

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Droplets of rain run down my bedroom
window,
I watch the crystal clear beads drip down
the glass.
Droplets of water drip from the bathroom
faucet,
Making the slightest noise with every
splash.
I sit in my room -alone and unheard,
Thinking of how my life has become.
I get up and look in my full length mirror,
My body-the palace of my soul.
I can’t look at myself any longer,
Nothing I do, or say, makes things get any
better.
Sometimes things get worse,
Most of the time they just stay the same-
and that’s
almost as bad as getting worse.
But I don’t leave from in front of the
mirror,
I just stand in front of it, staring of into
space.
Life is no longer worth living,
And really-most people aren’t living-merely
existing.
Frightened by the thought, I scream; the
glass breaks,
As I see opportunity passing in front of me,
I turn away
from the cause of my pain and stand in
front of my window.
Poisoned tears begin to stream down from
my bloodshot eyes,
I look out the window and see the broken
glass in the reflection-
Opportunity’s face presents itself to me-
mocking my pain!
My nerves are growing thin,
My breathing becomes shallow and
inaudible.
I turn away, blinded by poisoned droplets,
I return to the bathroom, broken glass
litters the sink.
I look down at all the twinkling diamonds
scattered all over,
I can see a thousand images-the one image
that I’ve been trying to escape.
I pick up and look into one of the larger
shards of glass,
Opportunity rears it’s ugly head one-last-
time.
Thinking about what I know I have to do,
I’m left with nothing but the obvious
choice.
I plunged the sharp end into my abdomen,
Ruby red droplets trickle down from my
lips.
I fall to the floor-dazed and dying,
While droplets of water run down my
bedroom window.
Beasts in the night
Take away innocent hearts
Leaving lovers lost
Forever bound to the search
Gone now because of something
Horrid, and abnormally
Wretched! Thoughts of finding
The lost ones wander about aimlessly.
Traveling endless miles
Far beyond man’s limits
Of time and place
Thinking of nothing but
The others, lost to
Beasts, horrible and malicious they are
Vowing to defeat the creatures
Of death and destruction of life.
Giving no reason of their own
For the treachery and
Dishonesty, these beasts as they lie
The lover’s only have
Hatred and courage to
Defeat the beasts
Longing for the reuniting
With the souls lost
With the taken, but not forgotten
Risking everything for love
Gaining everything for justice
Loving the lost
Hating the wretched
Fighting for love
Conquering the unspeakable…
So tortured was my poor, dim and
shredded soul
I thought nothing and no one could make
me whole
Depression and loneliness were smothering
my very being
Squeezing me so badly til my scarred heart
was bleeding
Lost and alone, even though my family was
near
Though I had a map that said, ‘You are
here.’
Ignoring all the signs of the smallest
glimpse of joy
I would only fall deeper into Hatred’s
devious ploy
Nothing could faze me or make me smile
I thought death would be the only way out
for a while
But then, I found out when two tortured
souls, as one, unite
There comes an end to the vicious fight
A ray of hope could be seen
Just the slightest first little gleam
To have the feeling of love again
Having some sense of something from life
to gain
I am going places once more
Now, my little soul was no longer dim and
poor
But rising to the stars and loving every
moment
I finally knew what cloud nine was and I
absorbed it
Finally being free…to soar.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Belief is the new anthem for my religion

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Believe in Love
Believe in Faith
Believe in Truth
Believe that no matter what happens, you
have the power to prevail
Believe in Strength
Believe in Courage
Believe in Honor
Believe that everyone has the power to be
good at heart
Believe in Song
Believe in Dance
Believe in Culture
Believe that no matter who you are or
where you’re from- everyone is unique
Believe in things you never would
Believe in doing things you never could
Believe in achievement
Believe that if you think you can, you can-
but if you think you can’t, you won’t.
Believe in the damned
Believe in the degenerate
Believe in the corrupted
Believe that evil does exist in many forms,
but all can be overcome
Believe in spiritual
Believe in holy
Believe in sacred
Believe that your personal values can never
be taken from you
Believe in madness
Believe in depression
Believe in suicide
Believe that one smile can save a life
Believe in magic
Believe in hope
Believe in dreams
Believe that the unbelievable happens
everyday
Believe in time
Believe in forever
Believe in YOU
Believe that as long as you believe in
yourself- anything is possible

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

For Annabelle

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Dear friend, come now and sit with me
So I may share my story with thee
Very long ago my poor love was taken
And even now, there is no mistaking
That she was my love…
Who is she?
You ask of me.
She is my darling one,
Taken when her life had just begun.
She was so sweet, she was so tender,
Her loving memory I still remember.
Hair of brown and eyes of the deepest wells of love,
All of this is true, that which I say to you.
Where is she now, you so want to know,
I know not where, as truth would go.
Far beyond and away again,
For true, she has committed no sin.
Innocent until she took her last breath,
She was an angel, even in death.
She goes now with peace and grace,
Living forever in such a pretty place.
Taking all my love alone with her,
So that nothing can harm her further.
She sleeps now on a bed as soft,
As angels sleep in heaven aloft.
A heavenly place, so stays my gaze,
Time is long since I have not been in this
haze.
Of death and dying,
I find myself tired of trying.
Thinking about the days of old,
Of only her, wanting her just to hold.
I love her, and there goes by not a day,
That for my love I do not pray.
To bring my darling back so soon,
To make me want to bow and her to
swoon.
I love someone who is now gone,
My little lamb, my gentle fawn.
But as she did lie there and die,
I begged my eyes not to cry.
But tears will fall, as they always do,
Again they fall anew.
As I recount this story to tell,
Of my sweetest love, my darling
Annabelle.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Drive yourself,down that road to nowhere

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Drive yourself,
Down that long narrow path,
That leads to the end of the road.
Go beyond the path,
And take the higher road.
Down its winding ways,
And treacherous turns.
Relax and feel the cool breeze,
Hear the smooth humming of the engine,
Smell the fresh, summer, night air,
And you’ll know when you’re there.
Your final destination,
Your end of the line.
Fear not of this place,
You know that you belong,
Here among your sisters (and brothers) ,
Amidst the wondrous starry night skies.
It is the beginning of the end,
But not the end of the beginning.
It is transcendence into a new era,
A time of peace, happiness, and joy.
Go now!
Be free!
And savour every last breath you take!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Wandering alone,till i find your tracks

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Wandering alone and confused
Thinking only of you
Loving every breath that you take
Every whisper that you make
Wanting to be near you
To feel your skin against mine
Joining as one eternal soul
Forever to be together
But you are gone away
So far away that I can no longer
Feel your presence with me
Fading more and more every passing
Moment that we are apart until
You are nothing but a memory
Held tight to my bosom
For fear of losing you entirely
My thoughts are with you for all time
And my heart has always belonged
Only to you
No matter the distance
No matter the cost
I will always love you and only you
Forever and always
As one soul, one life

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

This song take me to places I have never dreamed of going

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This song fills me with delight and a sense
of belonging
It allows me to close my eyes and forget
everything that is going on
To just relax
Her voice is intoxicating
More so than any shot of Tequila or Sneaky
Sweet treat
Though it is not a good song
Its is a song of regret of the loss of a love
Though I know that its melody is totally
surrounding me while it plays
It speaks of vampires and bad boys
Good girls who wait at home for the boys
who love them to call on them
And they never do
It allows me to free fall into a world
without chaos without madness and
without sorrow
I love the feeling of being weightless while
it plays to me
Singing sweetly to me and only me
Spreading though my body to my very soul
Completely lower level of consciousness
and totally wonderful
There is not a single moment of logic or
reason when I hear this melody sweeping
over me
All the anger flows from me like a poison
being drained from the fangs of a snake
The words don’t even matter, I don’t know
their true meaning
I can only take what truth I feel from them
There are some moments in life when
words aren’t needed
When pure emotions and cognition rule
The lower level involves no thinking
It is just feeling what u feel
Never asking why or how or when
It just seems to fall into place whenever
you feel those feelings so abundantly
If dying is anything like this
Sign me up I am ready to depart from this
world today
Leaving all the misery of my life behind
Taking with me only the good deeds that I
have done and the memory of my life
As it was in my eye not as it might have
been
Or could have been
An idealist point of view of the years I
have spent here on this bless`ed earth so
far
They have been good
But this song take me to places I have
never dreamed of going
Slow and full bodied by light and
Perpetuating the feeling of nothingness
and no one throughout the ages
Nothing but this feeling
I long for someone to feel the same
Though I fear that they are too upper level
That they think about the music too much
They have to feel the melody winding in
and out of their body
Taking away all that is horrid and absent
from their life
Making them the whole that they were
meant to be…as it does for me always!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

come,rob me,my friend

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Rob me of my sorrow,
Don’t leave me waiting til tomorrow.
Rob me of my agony,
Lead me away from this sky of ebony.
Rob me of my sanity,
Don’t give me any of your profanity.
Rob me of my life,
Make me bleed to make sure I’m alive!
Rob me of my pain,
I’m addicted to you like cocaine.
Rob me of my anguish,
Stab my heart so I can be vanquished.
Rob me of myself,
Lead me to the edge of the top shelf.
Rob me of my beat,
Pause me, Play me and then Repeat.
Rob me of my love,
Let me know that there is something far
above.
Rob me of my freedom,
Return me back to my kingdom.
Rob me of my inhibitions,
Drag me to the ground until I hit
extinction.
Rob me of my pride,
Sacrifice me and mine for the whole ride.
Rob me of my word,
Don’t deny what I say I absurd! !
Rob me of anything and everything true,
Never Rob me of you! !

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My paradise is untainted nature

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Come play with me
Oh youngest child of glee
Come frolic in the sun
Run and play with me for fun
Shall we dance and play all day long?
Until the moon and stars come along?
Then we will lay beneath the sky
Spending all night waiting to hear the
rooster’s cry
Thinking of all god’s beauty that we can see
And how lucky we are, we humans, to be so
free
From the restrictions of pure instinct
And to be able to endure and not to go
extinct
Traveling from coast to coast
Getting everything from this life-the
absolute most
Not worrying about only the bad
Or dwelling on the things that we might
have had
But enjoying the moment for all that its
worth
Looking up to our great and powerful
mother earth
Like you my beautiful child
Who looks at me with eyes so wild
Loving and following that feeling of
curiosity
Come what may
Stay blissful, joyous and gay
Do not trouble yourself with what
tomorrow may bring
Just relax, be in nature and don’t worry
about anything.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Countless times I have looked at you and seen our unborn children in your eyes and in your smile

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I love you more than Romeo loved his
Juliet
I love you more than the stars love the
ebony night sky
I love you more than the sun and moon
love to chase each other from the skies
I love you more than any man has ever
loved a woman
I love you more than anything in the whole
world
I know that one day I will truly love you
more
But until that day, you will know what I
mean when I say
I love you more
My love for you burns with the fire and
brilliance of a thousand suns
My heart erupts every time I:
Hear your voice
See your smile
Hear your name
Think of you…
Others have come before you
But they cannot hold a candle to you
You are my soul mate
My one true love
My better half
My love for you surpasses anything
Shakespeare could ever have imagined
When I think of our past, present, and most
of all our future
There is only hope and happiness
Loving you comes so easily
When we’re together our minds are as one
And I cannot help but to look into your
strong gorgeous eyes
Full of fascination and passion
I could stare into those pools of molten
desire for all eternity
Never looking away fearing that they would
lose their luster and radiance
Our love is far too strong to be shaken or
broken by happenstance
No force in Heaven or Hell could tear us
apart
Countless times I have looked at you and
seen our unborn children in your eyes and
in your smile
There is no escaping our love
It follows me into my dreams at night
Ever since we met
I have had this blissful wonderful feeling all
the time
The simple fact is:
Our love knows no bounds
It is powerful and relentless
Its flame cannot be extinguished
Its like kerosene burning on water- so hot
there is no antidote
It broke free of the chains of conformity
long ago
Unconventional? Perhaps
By my love is insatiable-never having
enough-constantly overflowing
Now there is nothing- and no one- but you
and me.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

As I lie here,dying….

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Lying here alone and dying
Thinking of some things as if pondering
I find myself thinking of death
One that comes so swiftly
Tomorrow shall I die?
Truly one cannot dwell on such a thought
Or else she go completely mad
But ‘tis thought of nonetheless
A fleeting thought in my life, so far
A roller coaster on top of a hill
Ready to plummet down at a moments
notice
A small ember burning and flickering
You know its there
But its hidden away.
Shall I die as soon as today?
This thought can make one cherish every
kiss,
So sweet and tender
To love every touch
And to savor every taste
Remember every passing moment or
conversation
Finding beauty in the mundane
Our own mortality is a powerful hindrance
To living life to the fullest as we think we
should.
How do we measure our lives?
On success or wealth?
On loved ones or time spent?
All of these are truly worthless in the
afterlife
Because after we’re gone, it is only a
memory
So leave the good ones
And forget the bad
Remember people places and things
That hold a deep place in your heart and
soul
Bind them to you and keep them forever
Remember them as you would want to be
remembered.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

In your presence

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When I am with you
My soul takes flight
Soaring to impossible heights
Something I never knew existed
Showing me things I thought could never
be
I owe all that I have learned to you
Falling into a sort of balance
Gazing out into the immense nothingness
With a renewed sense of self and what is
real
I’ve tried doing it in the past
Trying to deny how I feel
Failing horribly every time
Bit by bit, I fall slave to your hypnotic
presence
Changing and spinning out of control
With never a feeling in loss or
abandonment
Just a sense of connectedness with
everything
Locked in this unimaginable swirling of
emotions
Becoming ruled by the lower level
A clustered mass of never ending freedom
An ecstasy that rivals cloud nine
Falling deeper and deeper….
In love with you
Every part of you wanting to turn back but
not being strong enough to hold out for
the end to come,
Bringing sweet serenity and peace
Forever more to my world of chaos and
hatred.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My Wordless Story

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My story is one without words.
All of these lines that cross my face,
Tell you the story of who I am,
So many stories of where I’ve been,
And how I got to where I am.

My laugh lines tell you of the joys I’ve had,
The many things that my heart rejoices in,
The treasured memories of places and people,
Who have made my life an enjoyable enterprise.

My calloused hands tell you a story of the things I’ve worked for in my life,
Many hot days under the sun toiling for my daily bread.
My hands are not soft,
My life has not always been soft,
But my bruised hands tell you that I’ve not taken the challenges of this life lying down.

My stooping shoulders tell you a story of burdens I’ve had to carry in my life,
The many friends too who have had a shoulder to lean on,
And the many lean times that have literally weighed down on my shoulders.
My shoulders tell your a word less story about my life.

My greying hair tell you a story of the many blessed years God has given me on this earth,
To live my life and see all the changes,
From my childhood to the prime of my life.
My greying hair tells you a story spread across time,
till this present moment.

My scars tell you a story about the many fights I’ve had in life,
And the fact that the scars have healed,
Means that i triumphed over all of
my battles,
and emerged as a persistent victor,
and a fighter who never walks away,
from a fight done for a worthy cause.

Yes.

If you look closely,you will know the story of my life,
Though i’m not gifted in telling my story through words,
My persona tells you my word less story,
In the best way that a poet can tell a story,
About me,and my life!

But these stories don’t mean anything,
When you’ve got no way to tell them,
When you have no words to tell them,
But i’m glad that my story is already told,
Without words,
And without an audience to hear them.

This is my story,
This is my life,
Though I’ve no specific person to share it with,
It has been told,
That which was very difficult to do,
Is already done,
Without saying a single word!