Lessons on love from the Wild; Like a dik dik, hold on to love that is yours and stray no more!

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I’m always fascinated by animal behaviour,especially more so because animals cannot tell us their thoughts,or explain their behaviour;we can only collate their perspectives about life from observing their behaviour.

I visited Samburu last week,and I saw dikdiks.

Those lucky enough to have the opportunity
to visit our national parks in Kenya, especially in areas of Samburu or Tsavo must have seen a very small gazelle, the dikdik.

It is the second smallest gazelle from the suni family.

It is also possible to see them outside the parks,
especially in semi-arid environment.

Being very small and not fast enough, the dikdiks are usually vulnerable to their predators.

The female poses tiny pointed horns that may be
basically useless against predators.

Although males develop slightly tougher horns, they use them more in courtship displays, and
against other males when protecting a territory.

But the horns are basically useless against the super predators.

Against all this odds, dikdiks still thrive and
are not among the endangered species. How
do they do it?

They employ what we call disruptive camouflage.

When danger calls they stand very still against a brush of dry vegetation, which effectively merges with the colour of the gazelle.

They don’t even blink.

Even with very sharp eyes of the eagles, it
would be very difficult to spot a dikdik if it has
already seen the enemy.

Another method the dikdik uses as a way of avoiding being eaten is to limit their numbers per territory.

They do this by chasing their children away from home as soon as they are weaned.

When they keep the numbers per area to minimum two, then there are ample areas to hide and also enough food to eat, so they don’t have to wonder around a large area looking for grazing ground.

In the bush, most times you will find the dikdiks living in twos.

Male and female. If there is a third one, it may well be a juvenile on his way out of home.

When they are feeding, one member of the couple would be watching, while the other one feeds.

They alternate as such and keep their back covered all the time.

In this case then, it is right to say that that dikdiks pair for life.

They are as celibate as the French and stay
true to the adage, “till death do we part”.

In their quest to protect their small territories, they mark the boundaries with a smelly oily secretions from a preorbital gland situated below the eyes.

They also deposit their dung in a communal spot, more like using a common toilet.

But at times, consumed by the male ego to show off to his wife, his will and commitment to protect her, he does it all the way to death.

He may become so preoccupied to watching
out for invading males, that he forgets that trouble may fall from heavens. The sky can fall.

I was driving around in Samburu National Park with clients on ecological study.

We were to be there for three days and each
time we went out for a game drive, the drive out of the lodge was the same.

There was a small thicket near the lodge which had a big acacia umbrella tree growing in the middle.

There was this couple of dikdiks that lived there.
They had made a good heap of dung in a small clearing to mark their territory.

The tree was also in the path of elephants heading to the river.

One day, a herd of elephants decided to use
the tree near the river as a shade.

As usual, they destroyed the bushes around the tree and there was no more ground cover for the dikdiks.

The elephants also dropped their dung all over the place, including on the dung heap of the dikdiks.

Thinking that the elephants were claiming their territory, the male dikdik waited until the elephants left the shade, then carefully dropped a pellet of his dung on top of the huge dropping of the elephant.

He was busy reclaiming his territory and reassuring his wife that however big the elephant dung was, his was on the top and the territory was restored.

He did not notice that he was completely in the open.

The bush cover had been destroyed by the elephants.

The female was well hidden away from the clearing but watching keenly what the male was doing.

Suddenly, the sky came tumbling down on the male dikdik.

A huge martial eagle had spotted the male dikdik from above and came down for lunch.

Sometimes it becomes necessary to change your
mind when situation changes,but who said love is a reasonable state of mind?

The male dikdik was only trying to hold to love that was his,and his alone;for that noble cause,he paid with his life!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

After we stop trying so hard to chase “happiness,” to control life and make it look the way it ought to look, then we can probably begin to have a pretty good time

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“If only we’d stop trying to be happy, we could
have a pretty good time.” ~Edith Wharton

Eighteen years ago a well-known Zen Master
accepted me as a long distance student.

In one of our first email exchanges I wrote, “Dear Teacher, I am trying to sit every day for thirty minutes and in my practice I am trying to follow my breath.”

“Please,” he wrote back, “stop trying. You are your breath.”

I remember reading his words and feeling
perplexed, confused, almost annoyed.

What in the world did he mean?

Wasn’t it obvious that we had no choice but to be our breath?

Weren’t we all breathing beings?

And how did “being breath” in the end relate to my life, to my meditation, to my hope of becoming a better human being.

When my teacher’s words arrived, getting to my meditation mat was a huge effort.

Once I finally managed to get to the meditation
mat, I would set the timer and start counting my
breath: one (breathe in), two (breathe out), three (breathe in), four (breathe out), five (breathe in), six (breathe out), seven (breathe in)…

Needless to say, my thoughts would
immediately jump in and I would find myself
losing track of my breath and my counting.

I would have to start back from number one,
only to see the distractions appear all over
again.

I don’t remember ever getting to number
ten.

Not only was carving out thirty minutes for
meditation a huge effort, even the apparently
simple task of counting the breaths revealed itself to be an exhausting endeavour.

I knew at an intuitive level that it shouldn’t have
been like that—I knew that my teacher was right—but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what I was doing wrong.

It took me eight years, and many major life crises, failures, losses, and divorce to understand the meaning of his words.

Now that my life has fallen apart like I never
thought it would or could, I know what my Zen
teacher meant: I was trying too hard.

I can now see that in my meditation I was not
actually “following” my breath.

I was trying, very hard, to catch it.

I was chasing it. I was trying to grasp it, trying to hold onto it, trying to make it fit into my orderly numbered, counting boxes.

I was trying so hard to reign it in. I was trying so hard to control it.

Once I realised that, it only took a moment of self- honesty and one quick look at myself to see how that same impulse to control my breath was
operating in all aspects of my life.

I was “trying” to be a good man and always
promptly responded to needs of others, even when their needs could have probably waited just a bit longer—enough, maybe, to give me a chance to finish a chore or a much treasured cup of tea.

I was “trying” to be a good man and “tried” to
always be available for conversation, even when all I wanted and most needed was some quiet time to myself or simply some peace to concentrate on cooking my dinner.

I was “trying” to be the do-it-all man and took on a full-time teaching job, one hour away, while still teaching evening music classes.

I was “trying” to keep the social life of the family rich and fun and took on social commitments during the weekend even though most of it needed to be spent cleaning my house or going to a walk.

Just like I did with my breathing, I was chasing
my life in the attempt to reign it in, to catch it,
to grasp it in the hope of gaining some control
over it.

It took a messy divorce and loss of my financial security, two moves in less then a year, financial
uncertainty, and more losses of friends to finally
admit that I just could not “try” anymore.

I could no longer make my life unfold the way I
wanted it to unfold or make it look the way I
thought it should look.

I could no longer “try” to make people happy; I
could no longer be what I thought they wanted me to be.

I desperately wanted healing, and yet I didn’t even have the physical strength or the mental clarity to begin to mend the broken pieces of my shattered life.

Unlike other financially stable people, I could not take off and go on a meditation retreat in India in the hope to find my own lost self; my cat and dogs needed me.

Nor could I go to Sychelles to be with my
friends who had gone there on vacation.

Instead, I found myself completely alone after
having lost the entire social circle I shared in my failed marriage, and after moving to a small apartment in a struggling small rural town where I had no connections whatsoever.

There, I had no choice but to confront my
brokenness and aloneness; there I had to accept all the limitations of my new life, and as Charles
Bukowski says in his poem “Alone,” there, I had to learn my walls, I had to accept them and learn to love them.

It turned out that for me the only way out of
my darkness was not to escape it but to plunge
right into it.

Among the walls of my apartment I found myself gravitating to the mat again only to find out this time that I couldn’t even physically sit.

I had so much emotional pain stuck in my abdomen and chest that I couldn’t even feel my breathing.

Since the only way I could become aware of my
breath was by lying down, I decided to meditate in a supine position, shavasana style.

Once I gave myself the permission to do that,
something great happened: I experienced gravity, and gravity held me and healed me.

My abdomen relaxed; I could finally feel my belly muscles rising and falling; I could finally feel my breath.

With gravity’s healing support, I could then observe the breath; I could notice it, witness it.

In my brokenness I had to finally let go of
control, surrendered to whatever my life was
and had become, trusting that the breath of
life would take me where I needed to be, every
day, every moment.

That was only few years ago and now I am finally able to sit on my meditation pillow.

Following the breath is also quite a different
experience.

When I sit, I am able to be a viewer, an observer.

I watch my breath, I watch what it’s doing, I observe its rhythm, its ups and downs, its
ins and outs, and I just let it be. I accept it with all its irregularities. I just let it do its thing.

I am not sure yet how all of this is getting played out in my life.

One thing I have learned, however, is that letting go of how we think our life should be
and letting ourselves fall, maybe even backward, into radical self-acceptance and radical self-love are gifts to be treasured—even if those gifts come through harsh life lessons and losses.

Some of us were lucky enough to come into the
world with those gifts built into our system.

Some of us have to consciously make an effort and work hard at cultivating them—sometimes at creating them, sculpting them from the raw matter of our mistakes and failures, inventing them out of nothingness because nothing or too little was given to us.

But that, in my opinion, is where it’s worth trying.

That is an effort worth making—one that will not assure us of a smooth ride but that might bring us to a place of inner peace, joy, appreciation, and gratitude, where a lasting transformation might actually happen.

And then, after we stop trying so hard to chase
“happiness,” to control life and make it look the way it ought to look, then we can probably begin to have a pretty good time.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Walking yourself to a place of unconditional forgiveness

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“The greatest insight to personal awareness and freedom is when you arrive at a place in your life when you start feeling sorry for your enemy’s suffering.
Forgiveness does not change your past suffering and hurts, but it does enlarge your future”.

It is freeing to become aware that we do not have to be victims to our past hurts and slights, and can learn new ways of responding.

But there is a step beyond this recognition… It is the step of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is love practised among people who love us poorly.

It sets us free without wanting anything in return from them,they who have hurt us.

Having said that,I must start by confessing that I’m the type of person to hold a grudge.

It’s not that I want power over people, which is often the motive for holding a grudge, it’s just that I want all-due glory for my suffering.

This is what I mean: if somebody is causing me
some pain, I want them to know I am bearing it for them.

For this reason, it’s hard for me to forgive my enemies.

If people slam me on the internet,or even in real life, it’s hard to forgive.

If people undercut me in a business deal, it’s hard to forgive, too.

And for so long it seemed there was nothing I could do about it.

I knew I’d be better off to forgive, but how?

What are the steps to controlling your uncontrollable emotions?

I don’t fully know the answer to that question.

Part of the reason it’s so hard to forgive is pride.

If I forgive someone, it feels like I’m also saying that the other person had the right to do me wrong.

That doesn’t feel right.

But it’s a real feeling.

Even more difficult is having to forgive someone who hasn’t even recognised they’ve done me wrong.

So why forgive?

Before I say why, I should say how.

Here’s how:

•Go through the stages of grief.

Let the offence shock you, then let it completely hurt you.

Don’t avoid the pain.

Sit with it and feel it no matter how unbearable it is.

Please know it will end in time.

It will get 2% easier every day.

Just feel it like a toothache and soon enough it will transition into something bearable.

•Then let the offence make you angry.

Don’t lash it out to your perceived enemy, or you’ll be guilty yourself.

Talk about it with trusted friends but confess you’re angry and your emotions aren’t under control.

And don’t feel bad for being angry.

The last thing you need is anger and shame.

Just punch a pillow and make it through.

The anger, like the pain, will lessen over time.

•Then after being angry, accept what has been done.

Just accept it as a fact and don’t over analyse it. It happened.

This will still be shocking at first, but in time, you will accept it as a fact that you can’t change.

From there, you’re at a place to forgive.

It will be hard work, but it’s worth it.

Sit and pray for the person you’ve been hating.

Sit and imagine them with a good life, them
coming to realize that what they did was wrong, maybe not to you, but to somebody, perhaps to God.

•Then be willing to love them in your heart.

Want the best for them.

Hope for the best for them.

Stop praying for God to destroy them and pray
for God to bless them.

Pray for God to open up their hearts so they can receive the love that will stop them from hurting others.

This is the only way I know how to forgive.
• • •
Why then, should we feel obliged forgive?

Well, there are many reasons, but I’m only going to focus on a few.

The first is because, believe it or not, forgiveness is a pleasurable experience.

No kidding, it feels much better than anger or hate.

God has designed forgiveness as a powerful
blessing for those who have been hurt.

The experience of truly forgiving somebody can make you more happy than if you’d never been hurt in the first place.

•The second reason for you to forgive is that it removes you from being entangled in the rather dark thing that hurt you in the first place.

If it was a bad business deal, then you get to
be free of it and maintain your integrity.

If it was a family member talking behind your back, you get to remove yourself completely from all the complications of gossip.

Forgiveness sets you free from being bogged down in knee-deep mud of self destruction.

Forgiveness gives you a taste of what it feels like to obey God’s will that we forgive and love one another, and it’s a terrific feeling.

God forgave us because it gave Him pleasure to do so.

He was happy to do so.

Love forgives, and so does God, and so can you.

•The third reason to forgive is that you open yourself up to amazing possibilities for a happy life.

When you don’t forgive, you draw the curtains in your soul and your life gets dark.

When you forgive you let the light in again, and you go on about your life in peace. And don’t you want some peace?

Isn’t it time for some peace in your life?

The greatest thing about forgiveness is it will allow you to love again.

It will allow you to love and be loved.

And believe me, it’s worth it.

Forgiveness is tough, for sure, but love is infinitely more valuable than the pain of forgiveness costs.

No matter what you have to go through to forgive, you’re getting a steal of a deal to be able to love and be loved again.

Pay the price and I promise you’ll be happy you did.

Take a walk to a place of forgiveness in your life,and you will be glad you did it,more so for your own good,that that of your enemies.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Why Approval Addiction Makes Everyone Miserable

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“To put it simply, addiction to approval puts your happiness under the control of others.”

If wanting the approval of others is a natural
desire as social scientists tell us, how can it be a problem?

The problem is that, like any drug, the high you get from getting approval eventually wears off.

If having the approval of others is the only way you know how to feel happy, then you’re going to be miserable until you get your next “fix.”

What this means is that simply wanting approval isn’t the problem.

The real issue is being too attached to getting approval from others as the only way to feel fulfilled.

To put it simply, addiction to approval puts your
happiness under the control of others.

Because their happiness depends on others,
approval addicts can be the most easily
manipulated.

I often see this with unhealthy or even abusive relationships.

All an abuser has to do is threaten to make the approval addict feel rejected or like they’re being selfish, and they’ll stay under the abuser’s spell.

Approval addiction leads to a lack of boundaries and ultimately resentment.

Many times I felt resentment toward others because they crossed my boundaries, and yet I would remain silent. I didn’t want to come across as rude for speaking up about how someone upset me.

The problem is this would lead to pent up
resentment over time, because there’s a constant
feeling that people should just “know better.”

When I took an honest look at the situation, though, I had to consider whose fault it was if resentment built up because my boundaries were crossed.

Is it the fault of the person who unknowingly
crossed those boundaries, or the person who failed to enforce boundaries out of fear of rejection?

Looking at my own life, I actually appreciate when someone I care about lets me know I’ve gone too far.

It gives me a chance to make things right.

If I don’t let others know how they’ve hurt me because of fear of rejection, aren’t I actually robbing them of the opportunity to seek my forgiveness and do better?

This leads me to my final point, approval addiction leads to being selfish.

The deception is that the selfishness is often disguised and justified as selflessness.

As a person who works with public and communities at a professional level, I’m exposed to critics.

If I don’t overcome a desire for wanting approval from everyone, then their opinions can stop me from sharing something incredibly helpful with those who’d benefit from my work.

Approval addiction is a surefire way to rob the
world of your gifts.

How selfish is it to withhold what I have to offer to others all because I’m thinking too much about what some people may think of me?

As strange as it sounds, doing things for others can be selfish.

On an airplane,in case of an emergency, they say to put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on a child.

This is because if the adult passes out trying
to help the child, both are in trouble.

In much the same way, approval addiction can lead a person to martyr themselves to the point that everyone involved suffers.

For instance, if a person spends so much time
helping others that they neglect their own health, then in the long run, it may be everyone else who has to take care of them when they get sick, causing an unnecessary burden.

Selfless acts, done at the expense of one’s greater priorities, can be just as egotistical and destructive as selfish acts.

•How to Overcome Approval Addiction

The first way to overcome approval addiction is to be gentle with yourself.

Wanting to feel connected with others is normal.
It’s only an issue when it’s imbalanced with other priorities like having boundaries.

What approval addicts are often missing is self-
approval.

We all have an inner critic that says things like, “You’re not good enough. You’re nothing
compared to these people around you. If you give yourself approval, you’re being selfish.”

You can’t get rid of this voice.

What you can do is choose whether or not to buy into it or something greater.

You also have a part of yourself that says, “You’re worthy. You’re good enough. You’re just as valuable as anyone else.”

The question becomes: “Which voice do I choose to align to?”

This often means asking yourself questions like,
“Can I give myself some approval right now? What is something I appreciate about myself?”

The next step is to then be willing to actually allow yourself to receive that approval.

To break approval addiction, remember to treat
yourself the way you want others to treat you.

In much the same way, you can overcome approval addiction by equally valuing other important things, such as your need for significance and control.

While wanting to control things can be taken too far just like wanting approval, it is the Yang to approval-seeking’s Yin.

Both are necessary for balance.

Questions that typically help me are: “Do I want
other people’s opinions have power over me?
Would I rather let this person control me or
maintain control over my own life?”

Finally, there is the ultimate key to overcoming
approval addiction.

It’s by using the greatest motivator— unconditional love.

Worrying about what other people think
masquerades as love.

In reality, when you really love someone, you’re willing to have their disapproval.

Imagine a parent with a child.

If the parent is too concerned about the child’s opinion of them, they might not discipline their child for fear of the child disliking them.

Have you ever seen a parent who lets their child get away with anything because they don’t want to be the “bad guy?” Is this truly loving?

To break approval addiction, I realised I had to ask one of the most challenging questions anyone could ask themselves: Am I willing to love this person enough to have them hate me?

If you really care for someone, telling them, “You’re screwing up your life” and having them feel the pain of that statement might be the most loving thing you can do.

This comes with the very real possibility they will
reject you for pointing out the truth.

However, if you love someone, wouldn’t you rather have them go through a little short-term pain in order to save them a lot of pain down the road?

On the upside, many people will eventually come to appreciate you more in the long term if you’re willing to be honest with them and prioritise your love for them over your desire for their approval.

If you have to share a harsh truth, my mentor, Joseph Nderu Kimani , taught me that you can make this easier by first asking, “Can I be a true friend?” to let them know what you’re about to say is coming from a place of love.

I’ve found that everything, including the desire for approval, can serve or enslave you depending on how you respond to it.

Do you use your desire for approval as a force to help you see things from other people’s
perspective, or do you use it as a crutch on which you base your happiness?

Do you use your desire for approval as a reminder to give yourself approval, or do you use it as an excuse to be miserable when others don’t give you approval?

Finally, are you willing show the ultimate
demonstration of genuine love—sacrificing your desire for approval in order to serve another?

I believe the best type of approval would be your own self-approval;other peoples approval should only work as a bonus to this,and that is not selfish-it is just as we are told to “love others as much as we love ourselves”.

Can you love others “more”,if you love yourself “less”?

Hmmmmm. Ponder that. Or even much better,meditate on it!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Little surprises and deliberately scripted “happiness routine” that bring great happy moments

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You know the feeling when you find your own money that had slipped down the back of the couch?

Or when you find something that you totally forgot you had?

What if you could manufacture your life to have more positive experiences like these?

I’ve been experimenting with this too.

I’ve tried setting random calendar notes or reminders for several weeks’ time, each with a short positive note or inspirational message to myself.

Both add a nice surprise to the day when you receive them out of the blue.

Perhaps order yourself a gift to arrive in the distant future and totally forget about it until it arrives.

Or maybe leave hidden notes in completely random places all over the house.

Get creative, because anything goes.

Even better still, begin crafting these little surprises for others too.

A couple of times a month think of somebody close to you and figure out a way you can help them.

Maybe that’s with a call or a surprise visit.

Maybe that’s a thoughtful gift or simply paying them a genuine compliment.

The world needs more pleasant surprises.

A few weeks ago I found myself having a bad day.

The frustrating thing was that on the outside
everything was okay, nothing had explicitly gone wrong, but inside everything was a mess.

It was one of those days where you’re in a constant battle with yourself.

At the beginning of this century I saved up enough to be able to quit my job and focus on building my own private business.

But on this particular day I felt nothing but doubt about my general progress and direction in life.

I couldn’t get my head straight, my business creativity was drained, and with everything I attempted I came up against a mental block.

In silent despair, I sank into my office chair and
stared blankly across the room.

As I gazed ahead, I looked at pictures from my travels stuck on the wall.

Each was a reminder of good times I’ve had
and things to look forward to in the future.

To the left, Steve Jobs’ biography sat staring at me on the shelf.

It’s tactfully put there, so that on days where I feel like I’m incapable of producing anything worthwhile, I get a reminder of what’s possible.

I’ve recently been experimenting with
incorporating things in my daily life to add
extra inspiration.

Things that give extra motivation when days are good and provide a weatherproof layer for the days when things aren’t going so well.

If our routines and everyday life occur by chance, it’s unlikely that they set us up to have the happiest, most meaningful and productive days that we’re capable of.

So I’ve started being deliberate in how I sculpt and script my days and routines. I guess you could call it happiness architecture.

Of course, true lasting happiness takes practice.
It’s a long-term commitment of expressing gratitude, being aware of our negative self-talk, and developing the ability to see the world around us with more optimism.

So, while designing your days isn’t a quick fix for instant happiness, it’s a way to help cultivate a fertile environment for happiness to grow.

Here are some of the things I’ve been toying with:

•Physical space and aesthetics

The easiest place to start sculpting a happier life is with your physical space.

Design your surroundings so they inspire you.

This doesn’t mean you have to move to the Himalayas or to a villa beside the sea,but instead craft your current surroundings so they
make you happier.

The reason Disneyland is considered one of the
happiest places on Earth isn’t by chance, but
because around every corner is a Mickey Mouse, a Disney Princess, or another deliberately crafted inspiring moment.

Craft your own daily Disneyland.

This is the reason for my strategically placed
biography of Steve Jobs.

It’s the reason I drink coffee out of a mug that reads “Follow Your Dreams.”

It’s the reason for the inspiring quotes
and messages all over my walls and on the
wallpaper of my computer.

Have daily reminders of your goals dotted around the house.

Surround yourself with plants, paintings,
colours, and other visual elements that make you happy.

Anything that can help ensure that not a single day goes by without some sort of visual kick-up-the-backto inspire you to be happier.

• The Company you keep

The people you spend time with can either raise or squander your energy and positivity.

If you want to be happier, be deliberate in choosing who you spend your time with.

I’m not the most extroverted of people, so who I’m spending time with can be the difference between me coming across as some crazy, passionate guy or a timid, bashful guy.

The latter of which tends to leave me questioning myself—“ What’s wrong with
me?” “Why am I so quiet?”

Very few of us are fortunate enough to be able to spend 24/7 around inspiring people who light us up, but we can craft opportunities to spend time with (or at very least call) somebody who inspires us a couple of times a week.

We often default to whatever company is available to us, just to avoid being alone.

We don’t pay any attention to how negatively that company might affect us.

Be totally honest with yourself and ask: does
spending time with these people make me come
away feeling better or worse?

If the answer is worse, then maybe it’s not worth it after all.

•Time for passionate things

Perhaps most importantly, we need to be very
deliberate with how we spend our time.

It’s so easy to fall into a routine and stay there no matter how counter-productive or negative it may be.

I try to do something I’m passionate about every single day.

For you, this could be taking an action that contributes toward a big goal, or maybe it’s
learning to dance Salsa, playing an instrument, or another activity you love to do.

You don’t have to spend long on it, but there’s a lot of satisfaction that can be had knowing that no matter how manic and stressful life may be, you are still working toward something that is
meaningful to you.

Make time to lose yourself in a book.

Give yourself a sacred fifteen minutes every morning to savour and enjoy a steaming of tea or coffee.

Make time to meditate, to enjoy the moment and to feel gratitude for all that you have.

Dedicate a part of your day to going out into nature and noticing the sound of the birds, the crisp bite of the wind, or simply the gentle crunch of the leaves beneath your feet.

Your time is the most precious thing in your life.

Without it, nothing else could exist.

•Elimination the negative by dealing with it,whichever way

With that in mind, just adding more positivity to
our days will always have limited success without eliminating the negative too.

I find it useful to eliminate the news from my life—I found that watching it caused me to see the world with so much more fear and negativity.

That’s not to say I turn a blind eye to that which is happening in the world, but instead I choose to ignore the negative slander that the news puts on everything.

Look at your own day and try to figure out what you can take out. What needs pruning?

What routines or habits have you got that add
nothing to your life—or worse, which ones actually have a negative effect?

Maybe you find the traffic always leaves you angry on the way to work, so search for a different route instead.

The road through the countryside may take
you longer, but if it inspires you more and leaves you more positive, then it’s time well spent.

Take the time to notice the other stressors in your life.

Which of these can you remove completely?

And if you can’t remove them, how can you reduce their impact?

Life is short.

We all have a limited time here, so it’s so important that we’re deliberate in how we use it.

That means being intentional and designing our lives to leave us as happy and fulfilled as possible.

Don’t leave that up that chance.

Enjoy your little moments;when these litlle moments add up in your lifetime,you will look back and say;” I lived a “great life” in my little moments!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Random Thoughts

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Do you enjoy sipping your strong tea like I do?

In modern society most of us don’t want to be in touch with ourselves; we want to be in touch with other things like religion,sports, politics, a book – we want to forget ourselves.

Anytime we have leisure, we want to invite something else to enter us,opening ourselves to the television and telling the television to
come and colonise us

Anxiety, the illness of our time, comes primarily from our inability to dwell in the present moment.

You must be completely awake in the present to enjoy the tea.

Only in the awareness of the present, can your hands feel the pleasant warmth of the cup.

Only in the present, can you savour the aroma, taste the sweetness, appreciate the delicacy.

If you are ruminating about the past, or worrying about the future, you will completely miss the experience of enjoying the cup of tea.

You will look down at the cup, and the tea will be gone.

Life is like that.

If you are not fully present, you will look around and it will be gone.

You will have missed the feel, the aroma, the delicacy and beauty of life.

It will seem to be speeding past you.

The past is finished.

Learn from it and let it go.

The future is not even here yet.

Plan for it, but do not waste your time worrying about it.

Worrying is worthless.

When you stop ruminating about what has already happened, when you stop worrying about what might never happen, then you will be in the present moment.

Then you will begin to experience joy in life.

As much as this was about tea,its modest aim is to teach us to savour the present moment.

From time to time, to remind ourselves to relax and be peaceful, we may wish to set aside some time for a retreat, a day of mindfulness, when we can walk slowly, smile, drink tea with a friend, enjoy being together as if we are the happiest people on Earth.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Giving up and letting go-are they one and the same thing?

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“Holding on is believing that there’s only a past;letting go is knowing that there’s a future”.

I want a lot of things in this life.

Some of them are things I imagine in passing it would be nice to have, but some of them are things I truly intend to obtain,in my mind,by all means.

In other words, for the things I truly desire, I am willing to work hard,humble myself, and sacrifice.

I sincerely intend to make them happen and will do whatever is within my power to make them happen.

And yet, while doing so has helped me successfully achieve many goals I have set in my
life, there are still things I want that I haven’t
gotten, despite having executed the strategy
described above.

Some of them are general life goals, some are fitness goals, and some are personal goals.

I understand that we only have so much time,
energy, and attention to devote to anything, which limits the number of goals we can meaningfully intend to achieve.

But sometimes it’s not a matter of me spreading
myself too thin or not setting aside the time to make the magic happen.

Sometimes I do everything “right,” but the prize just doesn’t come to pass.

Despite my best efforts and appropriate focus and intention, I don’t always get the results I want.

I don’t get to build the house I dreamed of.

I did everything right, but it doesn’t pan out.

It sucks.

But it’s part of being human.

Over time, I have realised when something like this happens, I have a choice: I can give up, or I can let go.

At first glance, the two may seem to be similar, because they both result in me acknowledging that what I wanted isn’t likely or definitely isn’t going to happen.

But there are some subtle yet significant differences.

Read on for an explanation of the distinctions
between giving up and letting go and for an
explanation of why they matter.

See if you agree with my belief that it is better to let go than to give up.

•Giving Up

When I give up, I decide it’s futile even to try anymore-at anything.

I decide there is a finite amount of satisfaction and fulfilment in the world, and now that
I’ve been thwarted in this goal, there is less of it for me to get.

The fact that someone else prevailed where I wanted to means they are standing in the way of my happiness.

So I start to dislike that person, and any person who might get any other thing I want, even if they worked as hard or harder.

I develop a sense of entitlement, and I don’t feel like working hard anymore, because what’s the use?

•Letting Go

When I let go, on the other hand, I make a point of remembering how good my life is, even without the thing I want.

I appreciate that the very process of pursuing what I wanted helped me make strides toward self-actualisation.

I recognise there might actually be some good to me not getting the thing I want.

Maybe I’m not ready, or maybe what I actually
wanted was something I thought only achieving my goal could give me, only now I’ve figured out I could get it in another way.

I redouble my efforts to work for the things I want, because I understand I will be a
better person for the effort no matter the outcome.

Now. Lest you think I sound contradictory, rest assured that in order for me to get to the letting go, I almost always first have to go through the giving up.

But ultimately, I am able to get there, albeit maybe after some wallowing and self-pity.

Another surprising outcome of the letting go
rather than the giving up is that sometimes it is
after I have let go that I finally do get the thing I want.

It seems it is only once I truly come to realize
that my life will be fine whether I get the thing or not, that I can be equally happy with or without it, that I’m in a position to appreciate the thing as part of the constellation of good things that make up my life, rather than putting the pressure on it that needing to have it does.

Put in a different way,giving up creates resentment out of a false sense of entitlement,while letting go is liberating in that,my happiness is not totally linked to the outcome of letting go.

Letting go somehow becomes a joyful loss to things that I should lose to create room for new and better things in my life.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My deepest respect is for that single girl who chooses to drink alone

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I’m some sort of an expert on Women.

I mean,that’s what you would call my pretence to understand women.

But I respect women.

Especially the confident single woman.

Picture this;

She walks in and perches herself on a stool, retrieves her phone from her handbag then leans over and hooks her purse under the counter.

She smiles at the barman and they have a brief conversation.

When she smiles you see a little crease at the corner of her eye.

Which means she is not a day under 34.

Plus her elbows tell a story.

They can hide their age with their lips and with their makeup, but their elbows will always tell the truth.

She, very flittingly, looks around then settles on the TV above.

She’s bedecked in a crisp white top with a greenish skirt that she might insist on calling lime.

She has hips, you can tell, by the way they spread out on that stool.

At the end of her endless long legs are these sexy dark-red high heels – the colour of
an ox’s heart.

Drinking ritual

Her drink is set before her; a frosty glass of white wine.

She mouths a “thank you” to the barman and sends him away with a gracious smile.

She holds the stem of her glass but doesn’t sip it immediately; she just holds it there, staring at it, as if she is saying a small prayer for God to bless the hearts of all the men who grow
grapes in the vast vineyards of Stellenbosch.

That ritual looks like how we treat our first double of whisky,or cold beer; with reverence, with occasion, with expectation.

Finally she brings the glass to her glistening lip-glossed lips and takes a small, delicate and almost cautious, sip.

Then there is that moment when her throat moves as she swallows.

And the whole room swallows with her.

She isn’t drop-dead gorgeous, this girl.

I suspect most drop-dead gorgeous women can’t bear to sit alone in bars, not because they will be hit on, but because that kind of beauty
brings with it loneliness.

This lady is average-looking, with an interesting face; a sort of angular face with a nicely curved jawline, flawless skin and eyes that sparkle with knowledge.

The kind of lady who you won’t have to explain to what Charlie Hebdo is.

Even though her beauty doesn’t jump right at you immediately, you can feel her confidence and charisma occupy the empty seat next to her.

Terrific personality

You can tell that she has a terrific personality by the way she sits with her back straight.

The way her chin remains upward.

The way she wears that look that is aloof but without being aggressively unfriendly at the same time.

She could be married or divorced, in a relationship or single,she could be a lesbian or a mother, or both, but what we know for a fact is what we can see; that she isn’t wearing a wedding band.

But even that could mean anything.

You can tell she has been around the block.

That all the innocence of her 20’s has been replaced with a hard-won cynicism in her 30s.

You can tell she has fought many fights, some small, others big.

She has fought men and she has fought women and she has lost some and won a few, but that all the wins didn’t give her as much pleasure as she imagined they would because they were about making a statement, not derivatives of
pleasure.

You can tell that at that age her circle of friends has grown smaller and smaller over time because she has continually appraised them and weeded out those who have become
baggage.

And she finds herself here, at this point of her life where she can come to a bar like this alone and order a drink because she doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone, least of all,herself.

You know she is alone, and isn’t waiting for anyone because she isn’t looking at the door, or her watch.

She isn’t on her phone to go on Facebook or Twitter because she is trying to kill time, to look engaged or distracted.

She is just happy to be alone.

With her thoughts.

With her drink.

With her time.

We are about five men on this particular bar counter and she is the only lady.

We have recognised her presence, all right,
even though she doesn’t seem to have recognised ours.

But I’m sure she might have because she is a woman, and they are subtle and alert.

I can bet if we asked her, she will tell us
what colour of socks all of us are wearing at that counter.

Including the barman.

That’s how women are with minutiae.

Because the bar we are in is those bars where we don’t assume a lone woman needs company, we don’t bother her.

Nobody sends her a drink.

Nobody ogles at her.

At this point we don’t even see her as a lady.

We don’t see her as a man either.

She is just one of us without being like us.

She’s the lone lady at the bar.

I’m forever fascinated by this type.

I always sit and wonder who they are, what they do, where they come from, the struggles they face, what they are thinking and I always play this game in my head where I profile them.

Show of poise

The lone lady at the bar is the type who manages to sit alone without looking lonely.

The type who you know doesn’t want your company, or your business card, or your lame opening lines.

And it’s sexy because it’s not even a show of independence; it’s a show of poise.

However, there is a difference between this girl and a high- class hooker.

While you might attempt to catch this girl’s eye,
the hooker will attempt to catch yours.

She will hold your gaze ever so briefly, then look away as if she is just too shy to look you in the eye.

Well, she isn’t shy at all.

She is a long-tailed fox.

But the lone lady at the bar decides how many glasses of whatever she is drinking she is going to consume and then she will run her card and get off her stool.

We will all watch her go, with a mixture of feelings: regret, thin-veiled admiration, fascination, wonder, lust…

It takes quite a woman to sit alone at a bar, amongst men, and not feel like she’s over her head.

To sit in the lair of men and command respect.

To buy her own drink and own her own space in that bar without drawing too much attention to her sex.

For that I raise our glass to you, because it’s sexy.

And just to be clear, sexiness is not a dress you wear.

Sexiness is how your presence wears a room.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My minimalist life,away from spotlight

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Under the Radar,Life was cold and everything was so damn complicated.

My heart was stuck in the middle, it
was so intimidated.

Every small move I made was watched
with sneer.

Every effort I made held with scepticism.

That’s what I used to be, but now, the
sorrows have disintegrated.

Out of radar,I guess now is the time for
me to show that I run fast, and suddenly I found everything quickly grows into a solid purpose.

But I’ll always remember a little man in
the afterglow of a lost race,trying to prove a thing or two to the world.

Well, that’s little me, covered by dust
not so long ago…from a fall that shook the ground around me.

Out of radar, maybe you’ll never know who I am.

Far away from the crowds, you might never
know who this man is.

Suddenly time goes by and here is
where I barely stand.

You’ll never know me now, I’ve ‘done all the best I can,
But still,it proves nothing to the world.

Nothing in my life,as I now realise,was meant to prove anything to the world;it was always meant to serve my self-centred interests.

In my heart,I know all my struggles and
small victories.

None in the world needs to declare me
a victor or a loser; It’s for my life that I live.

Out of radar,suddenly all the dust storms turn to gold, and once again these eyes of mine blink and blink again;this is the kind of life I’ve been wishing for!

The glory of a shining crown wipes away all my sorrows and tears.

Well, maybe I have lost everything in order to gain everything.

I’ve been dying before this, but you can
see that now I’m breathing.

On the radar, in the darkness of the
day, I drowned;

It’s like I was the worst thing on earth,
cynically the world frowned on me.

I’ve tried to be good, but then mercilessly,life on spotlight always brought me down.

But look at me now and see who’s finally got the crown!

Out of radar, I’ve been up and down in
this long journey of life.

Been trying to be anything else but
then realize it’s not me.

All the miseries have gone and the
pain has turned to history.

Slowly but sure, I finally found the
right person who to be;I want to be out
of everyone’s radar.

…Coz that’s the only way I can be that
person that I want to be; And that is to be Myself.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Flying Solo: Loneliness is the price we pay for our personal freedom

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“Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep, it’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes:
and leap…and if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free…”~Soundtrack lyrics from the Movie “Wicked”

I personally, think one of the highest prices of
freedom is loneliness.

Being LONELY, just typing that word makes it feel like whining.

No one likes to admit it. I hate it, but it’s true.

They say, stand up for what you believe in, even if you’re standing alone.

“They” (whoever they are) weren’t kidding.

When we were 20something,we were all striving to find that place and find what it is we’re supposed to be standing up for and when we get the gumption to stand up, sometimes we find that we really are standing alone.

Sometimes that feeling of loneliness can be
overwhelming!

It can engulf our mood and be a catalyst for a what-is-wrong-with-me pity party that we all tend to throw occasionally for ourselves.

But isn’t that what we want?

Isn’t “being on our own” the goal?

Well yes, but we didn’t want to feel ALONE while we’re out enjoying being independent and free.

We fought for our intellectual, financial and personal independence… so why are we whining about it?

I’ll tell you, because while we forged forward we
forget the price and the bottom line… loneliness
hurts!

So when that feeling hit us, do we sit down?

Do we retreat home, back to the comfort zone?

HECK, NO!

We work thorough it and we keep going
forward.

As a child, “The Wizard of Oz” was my all-time favourite movie.

I watched it so many times I wore the VHS out.

(I know the young things today will never understand the true magnitude of that statement, because they never watched tapes, they only understand DVR or DVD, but for us 40soemthings and above, I know you can
appreciate that)

I loved that movie. (I also attribute my fear of
thunderstorms to that movie.)
Anyhow, to see “Wicked” for my 50th birthday was amazing.

I sat wide-eyed soaking in every moment.

Wicked explained a lot of the “why” questions that arose for me as a child while watching the Wizard of Oz.

Why is the witch so mean, why is the lion a
coward, why is the scarecrow a fool?

You know all that stuff.

It explained the back-story of the characters
and the “price” they paid to get to where they are.

There is a breaking point for the Wicked Witch, (who P.S is NOT so wicked) and she decides to take the road less travelled.

In this scene, her character is depicted as a 20something and I thought the lyrics
were very appropriate;

“Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep, it’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes:
and leap…and if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free…”

I loved those lyrics.

I ran out and bought the soundtrack at a local music store,”Assanads of Moi Avenue,Nairobi” (which was insanely overpriced and I could have bought from street vendors for ½ the price.)

However, I bought it because that song
spoke to our generation and where we are in our lives.

It leaves out any visions of grandeur of yellow
brick roads and gets right to the truth- that…there comes a point when we break away, from family, friends, old habits, old routines and stand on the brink of our lives and are faced with a decision—we either leap or not.

Before we take the plunge, we think about the price, we think about the ramifications of our actions.

Could we fail?

Could we get our hearts broken?

Can we get our spirit broken?

Will we lose faith in our dreams, or worse, ourselves?

Will we lose touch with friends or an old love?

Will we regret it?

Will we end up alone?

We run a million questions through our head, we think about the price of freedom and independence, the things we have been avoiding while we worked to get to this point.

But now we’re here on the edge, so what do you do?

Run back to what you know or close your eyes and take a leap of faith into your personal freedom?

We survived high school, in some cases college
and now we are adults.

We have made tons of mistakes at all points in our lives.

But from mistakes comes wisdom and experience.

We have to mess up to keep figuring it all out.

But, the only way to move forward is to close your eyes and leap onto the next.

Leave the questions, the past mistakes and the
doubts behind.

Hold onto the reality that it won’t be all rainbows and sunshine.

That sometimes… you’re flying solo, fighting off the feeling of loneliness, but remember; at least you’re flying.

Loneliness is a funny thing… you can sit in an
apartment 2 hours from home and feel it, but it can also follow you to a crowded bar and still make you feel like you’re on your own.

But shake it off!

That crappy “alone” feeling will pass and when it does, we will be happy that we didn’t sacrifice our fight for intellectual, financial and
personal independence.

Loneliness is the price we pay for our freedom!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A New Year Resolution for my neighbour~please buy a new bed!

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There is something I have been meaning to get off my chest for the last three years, but for some reason, whenever I sit down to write about it, I end up writing about something else.

This time round, however, nothing will derail me, so allow me to tell you what happened to me many years ago.

A squeaky bed is quite irritating and awkward.

You don’t have to alert your neighbours every time you are engaging in bedroom gym activities.
I was only two months into my first job after college when I moved into a new flat.

I was not enthusiastic about the move — if you have ever moved house, you know how hectic it is, it can be a headache-inducing affair.

However, the move was absolutely necessary; therefore I grinned and took it like a man — at least the flats were new, so we would not have to go through the unpleasant job of scrubbing and sterilising the toilet and bathroom.

Like any other reasonable co-tenant in an apartment, I would mute the TV, radio, and anything else that needed muting after 10.00pm in the night.

I also closed the windows, and abstained from opening the kitchen or bathroom tap, tiptoe, and open doors in slow motion. Yes,but I now see it; I was a difficult person to live with then …

Anyway, I managed to move without breaking a glass, and by evening, all the necessary items had been unpacked and put in their respective place.

Poor me!I was so exhausted; I must have fallen into a deep dreamless slumber a second after dropping into my bed — only for loud screeching and thumping to rudely wake me up about three hours later.

In my confusion, I thought someone had broken into the house, but once the cobwebs of sleep cleared, I realised that the commotion was coming from somewhere above me.

A few more seconds of the rude sounds and it finally dawned on me that my bedroom ceiling was someone else’s bedroom floor.

What is the standard furniture in bedrooms — beds and wardrobes, right?

Since we do not sleep in wardrobes, then you know what was making those ungodly noises at 3a.m…

I almost wept with frustration, because I knew there was no way I could go back to sleep with all that commotion, but even worse, because I knew that it was just a matter of time before that rocking bed planted sinful thoughts into my “innocent” mind.

Sure enough, it did, and my dear sleep was gone,for eternity till dawn.

Dear readers, the creaking bed upstairs had mercy on me about 20 minutes later (not that I was counting) and by then, I was ready to storm upstairs and haul the randy couple out of
bed.

It took me no less than two hours to go back to sleep, but by then, my neighbours were getting up, so there was a lot of slamming of doors and
footsteps moving back and forth.

The following night, the affectionate couple was at it again at 3 a.m., and the routine of me and my irritable son was repeated once again.

Though I was tempted several times, I restrained myself from marching upstairs to tell my active neighbours to buy a new
bed. Instead, I embarked on looking for another house to rent in earnest.

By the end of that month; I was out of there, hopeful that my next upstairs neighbours had a firmer bed.

Lucky for me, they did.

My fellow Kenyans, when someone mentions the word investment, most of us picture farms,plots and rental houses.

I beseech you, whatever big project you plan to invest your hard-earned money on this year, if your bed groans whenever you turn, and you live in a flat, please, first invest in a new bed, a firm bed — you could just have preserved the sanity of a lonely and unattached single man downstairs!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A New Year,an old-fashioned sort of loving!

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I used to have a great time dating, but somehow things feel quite different now.

In my20s, every relationship was exciting.

But that’s changed.

Somehow far fewer women fit my needs nowadays.

Maybe I’m getting pickier?

Could that be it?

Dating used to be all about fun; being with someone where I felt a spark.

Compatible could wait.

Now I want more stability.

Even if I still feel it’s too soon to commit, I
want someone I can have a peaceful future with.

Someone who has their life held together nicely.
Who is responsible and reliable.

It used to be I just wanted someone hot and sexy.

Instant passion.

Looks were everything.

Now I want character.

Someone who’ll help me to be a better person.

And desire that lasts.

Now I won’t sleep with someone until I’m
sure I know exactly what I want in her bed, and not just how to get it.

In the past,having similar interests was enough.
Now I need compatible life- goals.

I used to be happy if someone treated me nicely.
Now I want someone who goes on caring, long after the first few heady weeks of falling in love.

It used to be that all I wanted was someone to love.

Now I want someone who knows how to love me.

And who can cope with all my crazy habits and shortcomings.

Years ago, I would probably have given an ex another chance.

I wouldn’t now, because I’ve realised there’s
always an important reason that can’t be fixed when a relationship fails,even once,even for a trivial reason.

I’M TIRED OF DRAMA

I used to want someone who would make me happy.

But now that’s not enough.

I need someone who consistently shows they appreciate my presence in their life, who doesn’t start taking me for granted.

I’ve learned that neither great beauty,nor chemistry on a date means joy in the bedroom.

Just because our communication is
totally synchronised, doesn’t mean our bodies will be.

I’ve grown tired of drama.

My date’s jealousy or temper doesn’t necessarily show their love,but most probably their psychopath tendencies.

It shows they’re incapable of having a healthy relationship.

I’ve grown tired of flaky behaviour — like saying they’ll call and then they don’t.

Or lending them money and never ever getting it back.

Or being hard on my waiter — one day that will be me on the receiving end.

I can tell a lot about someone by the way they interact with people in the service industries.

I’ve discovered that the truth really matters.

That saying exactly how I see things, right from the beginning, is what creates genuine attraction.

And that it’s honesty that builds that attraction into a solid relationship.

So yes, I’m pickier.

My interests and values have changed, and my goals and interests become more deeply defined.

Now I know what really matters.

And realise that love is elusive, dreams don’t come true, and nothing in life works out
quite as you planned.

And that’s actually a much more solid base on which to build a relationship.

One that will sustain me through years of joy
and happiness right into my ripe old age.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Dont be the one to beat yourself down this new year!

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tibetan monk self-immolation photo

tibetan monk self-immolation photo

If you keep on scrubbing your life to make it perfectly clean of all human errors,faux paus,mistakes and wrong judgements,you will never be left with enough time to live it.

long pencil stem,short eraser end photo

long pencil stem,short eraser end photo

The reason that a pencil has a very short
eraser end and longer stem is that,you are not
expected to erase everything you write,even when it is bound to be “all wrong” sometimes.

The same thing applies to life~there is not enough time to correct all the mistakes you have made in your life,in just one lifetime!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

This is where life lives, in the little moments

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Over the years I’ve learned dozens of little tricks and insights for making life more fulfilling.

They’ve added up to a significant improvement in the ease and quality of my day-to-day life.

I call them;the little moments where life actually lives.

But the major breakthroughs have come from a handful of insights that completely rocked my world and redefined reality forever.

The world now seems to be a completely different one than the one I lived in about ten years ago, when I started looking into the mechanics of quality of life through Buddhist meditation.

It wasn’t the world (and its people) that changed really, it was how I thought of it.

Maybe you’ve had some of the same insights.

Or maybe you’re about to.

• You are not your mind.

The first time I heard somebody say that, I didn’t like the sound of it one bit. What else could I be?

I had taken for granted that the mental chatter in my head was the central “me” that all the experiences in my life were happening to.

I see quite clearly now that life is nothing but passing experiences, and my thoughts are just one more category of things I experience.

Thoughts are no more fundamental than smells, sights and sounds.

Like any experience, they arise in my awareness, they have a certain texture, and then they give way to something else.

If you can observe your thoughts just like you can observe other objects, who’s doing the observing?

Don’t answer too quickly.

This question, and its unspeakable answer, are at the centre of all the great religions and spiritual traditions.

• Life unfolds only in little moments.

Of course! I once called this the most important thing I ever learned.

Nobody has ever experienced anything that wasn’t part of a single moment unfolding.

That means life’s only challenge is dealing
with the single moment you are having right now.

Before I recognised this, I was constantly trying to solve my entire life — battling problems that weren’t actually happening.

Anyone can summon the resolve to deal with a single, present moment, as long as they are truly aware that it’s their only point of contact with life, and therefore there is nothing else one can do that can possibly be useful.

Nobody can deal with the past or future, because, both only exist as thoughts, in the present.

But we can kill ourselves trying.

• Quality of life is determined by how you deal
with your moments, not which moments happen
and which don’t.

I now consider this truth to be Happiness 101, but it’s amazing how tempting it still is to grasp at control of every circumstance to try to make sure I get exactly what I want.

To encounter an undesirable situation and work with it willingly is the mark of a wise and
happy person.

Imagine getting a flat tire, falling ill at a bad time, or knocking something over and breaking
it — and suffering nothing from it.

There is nothing to fear if you agree with yourself to deal willingly with adversity whenever it does show up.

That is how to make life better.

The typical, low-leverage method is to hope that you eventually accumulate power over your circumstances so that you can get what you
want more often.

There’s an excellent line in a Modest Mouse song, celebrating this side-effect of wisdom: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.

• Most of life is imaginary.

Human beings have a habit of compulsive thinking that is so pervasive that we lose sight of the fact that we are nearly always thinking.

Most of what we interact with is not the world itself, but our beliefs about it, our expectations of it, and our personal interests in it.

We have a very difficult time observing
something without confusing it with the thoughts we have about it, and so the bulk of what we experience in life is imaginary things.

As Mark Twain said: “I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”

The best treatment I’ve found?

Cultivating a free-flow mindfulness.

• Human beings have evolved to suffer, and we
are better at suffering than anything else.

Heck. It doesn’t sound like a very liberating discovery.

I used to believe that if I was suffering it meant that there was something wrong with me — that I was doing life “wrong.”

Suffering is completely human and completely normal, and there is a very good reason for its existence.

Life’s persistent background hum of “this isn’t quite okay, I need to improve this,”coupled with occasional intense flashes of horror and adrenaline are what kept human beings alive for millions of years.

This urge to change or escape the present moment drives nearly all of our behaviour.

It’s a simple and ruthless survival mechanism which works exceedingly well for keeping us alive, but it has a horrific side effect: human beings suffer greatly by their very nature.

This, for me, redefined every one of
life’s problems as some tendrils of the human
condition.

As grim as it sounds, this insight is liberating because it means:
1) that suffering does not necessarily mean my life is going wrong,
2) that the ball is always in my court, so the degree to which I suffer is ultimately up to me, and
3) that all problems have the same cause and the same solution.

• Emotions exist to make us biased.

This discovery was a complete 180 from my old
understanding of emotions.

I used to think my emotions were reliable indicators of the state of my life — of whether I’m on the right track or not.

Your passing emotional states can’t be trusted for measuring your self-worth or your position in life, but they are great at teaching you what it is you can’t let go of.

The trouble is that emotions make us both
more biased and more forceful at the same time.

Another survival mechanism with nasty side-effects.

• All people operate from the same two
motivations: to fulfil their desires and to escape
their own suffering.

Learning this allowed me to finally make sense of how people can hurt each other so badly.

The best explanation I had before this was that some people are just bad.

What a mis-thought.

No matter what kind of behaviour other people exhibit, they are acting in the most effective way they are capable of (at that moment) to fulfil a desire or to relieve their own suffering.

These are motives we can all understand;
we only vary in method, and the methods each of us has at our disposal depend on our upbringing and our experiences in life, as well as our state of consciousness.

Some methods are skillful and helpful
to others, others are un skillful and destructive, and almost all destructive behaviour is unconscious.

So there is no good and evil people by nature, only smart and dumb (or wise and foolish.)

Understanding this completely shook my long-held notions of morality and justice.

• Beliefs are nothing to be proud of,not unless they are the right beliefs.

Believing something is not an accomplishment.

I grew up thinking that beliefs are something to be proud of, but they’re really nothing but opinions one refuses to reconsider.

Beliefs are easy.

The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because “strength of belief” is only the intensity with which you resist questioning yourself.

As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you’ve made it a part of your ego.

Listen to any “die-hard” conservative or liberal talk about their deepest beliefs and you are listening to somebody who will never hear what you say on any matter that matters to them — unless you believe the same.

It is gratifying to speak forcefully, it is gratifying to be agreed with, and this high is what the die-hards are chasing.

Wherever there is a belief, there is a closed
door.

Take on the beliefs that stand up to your most
honest, humble scrutiny, and never be afraid to lose them.

• Objectivity is subjective.

Life is a subjective experience and that cannot be escaped.

Every experience I have comes through my
own, personal, un-sharable viewpoint.

There can be no peer reviews of my direct experience, no real corroboration.

This has some major implications for
how I live my life.

The most immediate one is that I realize I must trust my own personal experience, because nobody else has this angle, and I only have
this angle.

Another is that I feel more wonder for the
world around me, knowing that any “objective”
understanding I claim to have of the world is built entirely from scratch, by me.

What I do build depends on the books I’ve read, the people I’ve met, and the experiences I’ve had.

It means I will never see the world quite like anyone else, which means I will never live in quite the same world as anyone else — and therefore I mustn’t let outside observers be
the authority on who I am or what life is really like for me.

Subjectivity is primary experience — it is real
life, and objectivity is something each of us builds on top of it in our minds, privately, in order to explain it all.

This truth has world-shattering implications for
the roles of religion and science in the lives of those who grasp it.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

One good deed at a time, and today’s despair slowly transforms itself into tomorrow’s hope

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“Happiness is not a destination where, upon
arrival, we get to unpack our bags and stay forever.
Happiness is just one of many “rest stops” on the highway of life”.

Approaching our shame with loving curiosity
eventually reduces shame’s need to manifest itself in ways that don’t serve us.

If you have been spending more than your fair
share of time at the rest stops of shame and
despair, I urge you to consider asking yourself how you can bring to the world the change you wish to see.

Healing can be found in unexpected places when we embody the change we hope to see.

A few years back, I saw a sticker that read, “Be the change you wish to see in the world. –Gandhi.”

My knee-jerk reaction was annoyance because the sticker was affixed to the bumper of a car that turned right in front of me.

I was in the middle of a long stretch of bad days, so pretty much anything
would have set me off.

My search for happiness during that bleak period seemed fruitless, most likely because I didn’t know that happiness is not a destination where, upon arrival, we get to unpack our bags and stay forever.

Happiness is just one of many “rest stops” on the highway of life.

After ending a toxic marriage, I was spending an inordinate amount of time at the
rest stop of shame.

Not only had I allowed myself to stay in a
relationship with someone who treated me poorly, I felt like a failure when the marriage
ended.

Seems I had special talent for beating
myself up, both coming and going.

Each one of our feelings speaks to us in its own
unique voice.

For me, shame sounded like, “You’re
a loser!” or “You’re boring!” or, my personal
favourite, “No one will ever love you again!”

The voices of our feelings can tell us things that feel true but, in fact, are not true.

When I heard the voice of shame, it took everything in my power to fight the urge to isolate from a world I was convinced I didn’t deserve to be part of.

The world seemed pretty dark at the time and I
worried I would never find the light again. (This is what hopelessness sounds like, by the way.)

It was at precisely this time that Gandhi’s
words came along, disguised as an obstacle in
my path.

Seeing those words reminded me that we cannot control how we feel; we can only control what we do with how we feel.

While I could not control shame, I could control
how small I allowed it to make my world.

I had no idea how to “make” myself happy, but I was desperate to try anything.

I decided to conduct a little social experiment to test Gandhi’s words.

Because I wanted to transform shame into
happiness, despair into love, it was up to me to
sprinkle happiness and love into the world.

Just as rest stops are meant to come and go, so
is happiness.

We recognise a feeling in our conscious field, stretch into that feeling for as long as needed, and, eventually, get back in the car and “drive” until the next one comes along.

Of course, there are other stops along the highway as well: loneliness, excitement, hope, anger, longing, etc.

I challenged myself to perform at least one good
deed per week.

The good deed could be any action, small or large, as long as the net result would put
more positive energy into the world.

I wasn’t feeling too positively energetic at the time, so a week seemed plenty of time to do at least one small thing. (After all, starting from ground zero, there was nowhere to go but upward.)

Once the goal was set, I noticed a slight positive
shift in perspective.

I was no longer wondering what in the world could make the pain stop, I was asking myself what I could do to bring more love into the world,my world,to be more precise,because I believe the rest of the world was still full of love.

The experiment began.

If I appreciated something about someone, I went out of my way to tell them.

If I knew someone who was struggling and needed a sympathetic ear, I called and listened.

If I saw a piece of trash on the sidewalk, I picked it up and put it right back into the trash can.

A friend needed help redesigning her IT department in her office, so I did it.

Momentum didn’t take long to build, so I quickly bumped the target up to three thoughtful deeds per week.

Augmenting the goal brought with it another
noticeable shift in my world view: a significant
uptick in the compassion.

This was encouraging.

If a car turned right in front of me, I told myself the driver was probably lost and needed help; if
someone was rude at the grocery store, I assumed they were having a bad day and needed extra patience; if I screwed something up, I spoke nicely and encouragingly to myself.

I began to believe—I mean in-my-core believe—
that all human beings, even those who hurt us,
are deserving of love and compassion.

It’s been almost seven years since my Thoughtful Deed Project started.

I am happy to report the shame that once felt like a constant companion has given way to greater connectedness with the people around me (whether they are trusted friends or complete strangers) and with myself.

Overall, thankfully, I spend less time in despair and more time in contentment.

It hasn’t been all wine and parties since I started the project—shame still shows up on the highway from time to time.

The difference is, where I once would
have addressed the voice of shame with harshness and criticism, I now speak to it in a kinder, gentler voice; as if I were a child in pain.

Approaching our shame with loving curiosity
eventually reduces shame’s need to manifest itself in ways that don’t serve us.

Inside each of us is a deep well of love, patiently awaiting our own recognition.

Mindful acts of kindness and compassion, however large or small, are the portals to this love.

The voice of shame may try to convince you that
you cannot do it.

Shame lies; don’t believe it.

It is easy to overlook the gifts we can offer the
world, just by showing up and giving of ourselves.

Perhaps there is someone in your life who could
benefit from a pair of good ears and strong
shoulders; a park in your neighbourhood that could use a little clean sweep; an overdue birthday card that needs a stamp.

Start small and, if you feel inspired, work your way up from there.

Shame can be stubborn and may stick around
for a while, and that is okay.

It is when we are visiting the rest stop of shame that we are most worthy of our own loving support.

When you feel the darkness, gently remind yourself that this is where you are right now; it is not who you are for always.

Feelings are temporary—the next one will come
along eventually.

In the meantime, remind yourself that you are doing everything in your power to put loving energy into the world; this is enough.

Healing can be found in unexpected places when we embody the change we hope to see.

Acting in service of bringing love and light into the world helps us find the love and light within
ourselves.

One good deed at a time, and today’s despair
slowly transforms itself into tomorrow’s hope.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Letting go is a catharsis for a troubled soul

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letting go is  tipping the balance in your favour

letting go is tipping the balance in your favour

If we contemplate desires and
listen to them, we are actually
no longer attaching to them; we
are just allowing them to be the
way they are.

Then we come to
the realisation that the origin of
suffering, desire, can be laid
aside and let go of.

How do you let go of things?

If you let go a little you will have a little happiness.

If you let go a lot you will have a lot of
happiness.

If you let go completely you will be totally happy and free too!

This means you leave them as
they are; it does not mean you
annihilate them or throw them
away.

It is more like setting
down and letting them be.

Through the practice of letting
go we realise that there is the
origin of suffering, which is the
attachment to desire, and we
realise that we should let go of
these three kinds of desire.

Then we realise that we have let go of
these desires; there is no longer
any attachment to them.

When you find yourself
attached, remember that ‘letting
go’ is not ‘getting rid of’ or
‘throwing away’.

If I’m holding onto this clock and you say, ‘Let
go of it!’, that doesn’t mean
‘throw it out’.

I might think that I
have to throw it away because
I’m attached to it, but that would
just be the desire to get rid of it.

We tend to think that getting rid
of the object is a way of getting
rid of attachment.

But if I can
contemplate attachment, this
grasping of the clock, I realise
that there is no point in getting
rid of it – it’s a good clock; it
keeps good time and is not
heavy to carry around.

The clock
is not the problem.

The problem
is grasping the clock.

So what do
I do?

Let it go, lay it aside – put it
down gently without any kind of
aversion.

Then I can pick it up
again, see what time it is and lay
it aside when necessary.

You can apply this insight into
‘letting go’ to the desire for
sense pleasures.

Maybe you
want to have a lot of fun.

How would you lay aside that desire
without any aversion?

Simply. recognise the desire without
judging it.

You can contemplate
wanting to get rid of it – because
you feel guilty about having such
a foolish desire – but just lay it
aside.

Then, when you see it as
it is, recognising that it’s just
desire, you are no longer
attached to it.

So the way is always working
with the moments of daily life.

When you are feeling depressed
and negative, just the moment
that you refuse to indulge in that
feeling is an enlightenment
experience.

When you see that,
you need not sink into the sea of
depression and despair and
wallow in it.

You can actually
stop by learning not to give
things a second thought.

You have to find this out
through practice so that you will
know for yourself how to let go
of the origin of suffering.

Can you let go of desire by wanting
to let go of it?

What is it that is
really letting go in a given
moment?

You have to
contemplate the experience of
letting go and really examine
and investigate until the insight
comes.

Keep with it until that
insight comes: ‘Ah, letting go,
yes, now I understand.

Desire is being let go of.’

This does not
mean that you are going to let
go of desire forever but, at that
one moment, you actually have
let go and you have done it in
full conscious awareness.

There is an insight then.

This is what
we call insight knowledge.

In Pali,a transcendial level in buddhist meditation, we call it nanadassana or
profound understanding.

I had my first insight into letting
go in my first year of meditation.

I figured out intellectually that
you had to let go of everything
and then I thought: ‘How do you
let go?’

It seemed impossible to
let go of anything.

I kept on
contemplating: ‘How do you let
go?’

Then I would say, ‘You let go
by letting go.’ ‘Well then, let go!’

Then I would say:
‘But have I let go yet?’ and, ‘How
do you let go?’ ‘Well just let go!’

I went on like that, getting more
frustrated.

But eventually it
became obvious what was
happening.

If you try to analyse
letting go in detail, you get
caught up in making it very
complicated.

It was not
something that you could figure
out in words any more, but
something you actually did.

So I. just let go for a moment, just
like that.

Now with personal problems
and obsessions, to let go of
them is just that much.

It is not
a matter of analysing and
endlessly making more of a
problem about them, but of
practising that state of leaving
things alone, letting go of them.

At first, you let go but then you
pick them up again because the
habit of grasping is so strong.

But at least you have the idea.

Even when I had that insight into
letting go, I let go for a moment
but then I started grasping by
thinking: ‘I can’t do it, I have so
many bad habits!’

But don’t trust
that kind of nagging, disparaging
thing in yourself.

It is totally
untrustworthy.

It is just a matter
of practising letting go.

The more you begin to see how to
do it, then the more you are
able to sustain the state of non-
attachment.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

What’s better than freedom!

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I'm now a truly  free man

I’m now a truly free man

The chains have been broken
I’m no longer oppressed
Free from my burdens
No longer depressed
Took long to figure out
where I want to be
Too long to figure out
that I had the only key
Ropes are gone
the gate is open
Open to the ocean
open to the mountain
Finally I run
wild and free
Grass plains and open ground
as far as I can see
This world of warmth
colours explode
From my cage
black, grey and cold
A kind word resounds
loud in my ears
A warm touch to ease
all my doubts and fears
I see you calling
for me to return
My absence from you
your cause for concern
But I will continue
free I will run
Straight to the warmth
of the ever present sun
So go find yourself
a new “someone”
Because this is all mine
my personal freedom

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Things I’ve learnt from Jaffa, my cat….

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•When life is hard, then take a long nap.

•It’s okay to one day ignore people,then the next day, annoy them.

•When in doubt,cultivate an indifferent attitude.

•Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours of your time trying to unravel an ‘obvious’ mystery.

•Climb your way to the top by all means, that’s why the drapes and curtains are there in the house.

•Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone’s face.

•If you’re not receiving enough attention,
try knocking over several expensive lamps and chinaware.

•Make your mark in the world or at least spray your pee in each corner of the room.

•When you go out into the world, remember:
being placed on a pedestal is your right, not a privilege.

•You can sleep anywhere, on any table, any chair,top of piano, window-ledge, in the middle, on the Master’s bed,just about anywhere….
open drawers, empty shoe, or just on anybody’s lap;every place on earth will do,’cause well,the world is your bedroom!

•And don’t bother anyone,unless you are hungry or thirsty….!

•And you don’t have to take orders from your boss,unless he is holding goodies that you can see with your own eyes,otherwise,just ignore all other forms of patronising sweet-talks and promises!

Thank you Jaffa,for making me the most anti-social person that have ever lived,and regal too!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

I want a love so deep it’d make the ocean jealous

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God, my deliberate solitude feels so good, but lately I’ve craving something more, something deeper.

I want love
But not just any kind of Love, no,
I want a love so deep it’d make the ocean jealous.

But I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my
solitude.

You must love me for everything I’m worth
and then more.

Start with my eyes, look into them like you want to know all the good, bad, and anything beyond.

From my eyes go to my mind, love me for everything I know and love me just as much to teach me what I do not.

Hold me in your arms, and love me for everything I am, from my strengths to my weaknesses, and even the scars that others have left behind.

But tell me if you’re not up for it…Not that you don’t want me but rather you can’t handle me.

And please don’t say, “I won’t be like those other girls and break your heart.”

You see my solitude has always been sweet, and
during that time I learned to love myself before I could learn to love anyone else.

Give me the love that I’ve been craving, make the ocean jealous.

Fall for my eyes without knowing me
just yet.

And then kiss me like you want to be loved just as much.

Remember that I want to be loved as deep as the ocean, but remember that I am like the ocean-
I can slip through your fingers, but manage to hold up an army of ships.

Kiss me, hold me, love me, but tell me if you’re not up for it.

I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude

I want a love so deep….or just like I’ve done many times in my life,I just want to be alone this Christmas one more time,till eternity comes!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Small moments to live for in your life this Christmas season

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None of these things are grand or profound, and that’s the whole point. I believe that life becomes happier and so much more special if we start to enjoy the little things.

Bring Out the Child in you and regain that carefree nature of childhood when you are older.

Go ahead, do something silly and have a good laugh!

Be Grateful for What You Already Have
’cause so much in life that we take for granted that many can only dream of.

Do you have time for hobbies?

I used to feel that I didn’t, until I figured that a hobby does not require half an hour a day. Five minutes is enough.

Take Care of Yourself too.
You might be giving time to your work, your
ambitions, and your family. Are you taking good care of yourself?

Love Yourself!

Before I felt that I had enough in life, I had to love myself enough.

Do Something for Someone Else.
Giving creates a feeling of abundance like few other things do.

Pamper Your Senses….and
No, you don’t need to go to a spa!

Let’s remember how fortunate we are when we experience these ordinary moments.

1. Watch the leaves fall on a windy day.
2. Wake up early and listen to the silence.
3. Look at the clouds and try to find shapes and
maybe even faces.
4. Listen to the birds chirping.
5. Check out some breathtaking photos on National Geographic.
6. Watch a butterfly flutter away.
7. Listen to the thunder on a rainy day.
8. Sit on a park bench and enjoy the greenery.
9. Walk barefoot on grass.
10. Enjoy drinking a glass of water. Eight hundred million people in the world do not have access to clean water.
11. Be grateful for the food on your plate. Over
eight hundred million people do not get enough to eat.
12. Be grateful for the people in your life.
13. Just be grateful that you are alive.
14. Think of ten other things you are grateful for.
15. Read an Archie comic book.
16. Blow soap bubbles.
17. Catch snowflakes with your tongue.
18. Take a walk in the rain.
19. Lick a fast melting ice-cream.
20. Practice your Kung Fu moves or air guitar in front of the mirror!
21. Play a song on your guitar (or any instrument).
22. Listen to a song you love. (Keep a playlist in
your phone).
23. Better still, sing aloud.
24. Learn a new dance move from YouTube.
25. Capture an urban scene with your camera
phone.
26. Read your favourite part from that novel you really love.
27. Read a new book for just five minutes before you go to bed.
28. Exercise for just five minutes—skip rope, jog,
do five pushups and squats. Exercise releases
endorphins, which make you happier.
29. Relish a delicious serving of fruits.
30. Pen down your thoughts in a journal.
31. Tidy up a corner of your house.
32. Mediate for five minutes.
33. Think of five things that you love about who you
are as a person.
34. Every night before going to bed, think of at least
one thing you achieved on that day, however small
or insignificant it might seem.
35. Give yourself a hug. (It works.)
36. Feed a stray dog or cat.
37. Help a neighbor with an errand.
38. Help out a co-worker with your expertise.
39. Send flowers and a card to that relative you
haven’t spoken to in years.
Connect with People
Work was an excuse for me to not find time for my
loved ones. Does it really take much to cherish
these relationships?
40. Call a friend and say hello. (Don’t text!)
41. Cuddle with your partner in the morning.
42. Call your parents.
43. Remember a happy moment with your loved
ones.
44. Forgive someone for a small offence. (This
makes it easier to forgive people for the big
offences.)
45. Apologise to someone.
46. Look at old pictures that bring back memories.
47. Slowly sip a good cappuccino.
48. Listen to the sound of an ocean track (on the
internet).
49. Sit in the sun (on your terrace or backyard).
50. Light aroma candles or incense sticks, like
lavender or lemon grass.
51. Feel the wind in your hair as you drive.
52. Enjoy your Christmas time as you used to do in your childhood days by bringing back the magic of small moments in your life!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

This is the real you!

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Each of our actions, our words, our attitudes is cut off from the ‘world,’ from the people who have not directly perceived it, by a medium the permeability of which is of infinite variation and remains unknown to ourselves; having learned by experience that some important utterance which we eagerly hoped would be disseminated … has found itself, often simply on account of our anxiety, immediately hidden under a bushel, how immeasurably less do we suppose that some tiny word, which we ourselves have forgotten, or else a word never uttered by us but formed on its course by the imperfect refraction of a different word, can be transported without ever halting for any obstacle to infinite distances … and succeed in diverting at
our expense the banquet of the gods.

What we actually recall of our conduct remains unknown to our nearest neighbor; what we have forgotten that we ever said, or indeed what we never did say, flies to provoke hilarity even in another planet, and the image that other people form of our actions and behaviour is no more like that which we form of them ourselves, than is like an original drawing a spoiled copy in which, at one point, for a black line, we find
an empty gap, and for a blank space an
unaccountable contour.

It may be, all the same, that what has not been transcribed is some non-existent feature, which we behold, merely in our purely-blind self-esteem, and that what seems to us added is
indeed a part of ourselves, but so essential a part as to have escaped our notice.

So that this strange print which seems to us to have so little resemblance to ourselves bears sometimes the same stamp of truth,scarcely flattering, indeed, but profound and useful,
as a photograph taken by X-rays.

Not that there is any reason why we should recognise ourselves in it.

A man who is in the habit of smiling in the glass at his handsome face and stalwart figure, if you show him their X-Ray radiograph, will have come face to face with that rosary of bones, labelled as being the image of himself, the same suspicion of error as the visitor to an art gallery who, on coming to the portrait of a girl, reads in his catalogue: “Dromedary resting.”

Later on, this discrepancy between our portraits,
according as it was our own hand that drew them or another, I was to register in the case of others than myself, living placidly in the midst of a collection of photographs which they themselves had taken while round about them grinned frightful faces, invisible to them as a rule, but plunging them in stupor if an accident were to reveal them with the warning: “This is the real you.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Watching my sleeping beauty is the most rapturous moment in my life

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Sleep makes children of all of us.

It cloaks us with divine beauty and innocence

I know because I often love watching my partner,Daisy,when she sleeps.

It is amazing that we do not include the pleasures we enjoy in sleep in
the inventory of the pleasures we have experienced in the course of our existence.

By shutting her eyes, by losing consciousness,
Daisy strips off, one after another, the
different human personalities with which she has used to deceive me ever since the day when I had first made her acquaintance.

She is animated now only by the unconscious life of plants, of trees, a life more different from my own, more alien, and yet one that belonged more to me.

Her personality is not constantly escaping, as when we talk, by the outlets of her unacknowledged thoughts and of her eyes.

She has called back into herself everything of
her that lays outside, has withdrawn, enclosed,
re-absorbed herself into her body.

In keeping her in front of my eyes, in my hands, I have an impression of possessing her entirely which I never have when she is awake.

Her life is submitted to me, exhaled towards me its gentle breath.

I listen to her dozy murmuring, mysterious emanation, soft as a sea breeze, magical as a gleam of moonlight, that is her in sleep.

So long as it lasts, I’m free to dream about her and yet at the same time to look at her, and when that sleep grows deeper, to touch, to kiss her.

What I feel now is a love as pure, as immaterial, as mysterious, as if I’m. in the presence of those inanimate creatures which are the beauties of nature.

And indeed, as soon as her sleep becomes at all deep, she ceases to be merely the plant that she had been; her sleep,on the margin of which I remain musing, with a fresh delight of which I never tire, which I can go on enjoying indefinitely, is to me a whole
landscape that we call love.

Her sleep brings within my reach something as serene, as sensually delicious as those nights of full moon on the beach, calm as a lake over which the branches barely stir, where, stretched out upon the stand, one could listen for
hours on end to the surf breaking and receding.

On entering her room, I remain standing in
the doorway, not venturing to make a sound, and hearing none but that of her breath rising to expire upon her lips at regular intervals, like the reflux of the sea, but drowsier and softer.

And at the moment when my ear absorbs that divine sound, I feet that It is condensed in her whole person, the whole life of the charming captive outstretched there before my eyes.

Vehicles go rattling past in the street, but her brow remains as smooth and untroubled, her breath as light, reduced to the simple expulsion of the necessary quantity of air.

Now, seeing that her sleep would not be disturbed, I would advance cautiously, sit down on the chair that stood by the bedside, then on the bed itself.

.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Our most treasured memories are the ones buried in oblivion

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What best remind us of a person is precisely what we had forgotten (because it was of no importance, and we therefore left it in full possession of its strength).

That is why the better part of our memories exist outside us, in a splatter of rain, in the smell of an un-aired room or of the first crackling
brushwood fire in a cold grate: wherever, in short, we happen upon what our mind, having no use for it, had rejected, the last treasure that the past has in store, the richest, that which, when all our flow of tears seems to have dried at the source, can make us weep again. Outside us?

Within us, rather, but hidden from our eyes in an oblivion more or less prolonged. It is thanks to this oblivion alone that we can from time to time recover the person that we were, place ourselves in relation to things as he was placed, suffer anew because we are no longer
ourselves but he, and because he loved what now leaves us indifferent.

In the broad daylight of our habitual memory the images of the past turn gradually pale and fade out of sight, nothing remains of them, we shall never recapture it.

Or rather we should never recapture it had not a few words been carefully locked away in oblivion, just as an author deposits in the National Library a copy of a book which might otherwise become unobtainable.

For, like desire, regret seeks not to be analysed but to be satisfied.

When one begins to love, one spends one’s time, not in getting to know what one’s love really is, but in making it possible to meet next day.

When one abandons love one seeks not to know
one’s grief but to offer to her who is causing it that expression of it which seems to one the most moving.

One says the things which one feels the need of saying, and which the other will not understand, one speaks for oneself alone.

I wrote: ‘I had thought that it would not be possible. Alas, I see now that it is not so difficult.’ I said also: ‘I shall probably not see you again;’ I said it while I continued to avoid showing a coldness which she might think affected, and the words, as I wrote them, made me weep because I felt that they expressed not what I should have liked to believe but what was probably going to happen.

We suffer injustices both in love,and out of love;in my cowardice I became at once a man, and did what all we grown men do when face to face with suffering and injustice; I preferred not to see them.

And wasn’t my mind also like another baby crib in the depths of which I felt I remained ensconced, even in order to watch what was happening outside?

When I saw an external object, my awareness that I was seeing it would remain between me and it, lining it with a thin spiritual border that prevented me from ever directly touching its substance; it would volatize in some way before I could make contact with it, just as an incandescent body brought near a wet object never touches its moisture because it is always preceded by a zone of evaporation.

And so it is with our own past. It is a labour in vain to attempt to recapture it: all the efforts of our intellect must prove futile.

The past is hidden somewhere outside the realm, beyond the reach of intellect, in some material object (in the sensation which that material object will give us) of which we have no inkling. And it depends on chance whether
or not we come upon this object before we
ourselves must die.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

The true paradises are the paradises that we have lost

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There is no one, no matter how wise he is, who has not in his youth said things or done things that are so unpleasant to recall in later life that
he would expunge them entirely from his memory if that were possible.

The magic of all the paradises we have lost in our lives still hold us in a spell.

It is often hard to bear the tears that we ourselves have caused.

The thirst for something other than what we have… to bring something new, even if it is worse, some emotion, some sorrow; when our sensibility, which happiness has silenced like an idle harp, wants to resonate under some hand, even a rough one, and even if it might be broken by it.

People who are not in love fail to understand how an intelligent man can suffer because of a very ordinary woman. This is like being surprised that anyone should be stricken with cholera because of a creature so insignificant as the common bacillus.

Now there is one thing I can tell you: you will enjoy certain pleasures you would not fathom now. When you still had your mother you often thought of the days when you would have her no longer. Now you will often think of days past when you had her.

When you are used to this horrible thing that they will forever be cast into the past, then you will gently feel her revive, returning to take her place, her entire place, beside you. At the present time, this is not yet possible. Let yourself be inert, wait till the incomprehensible power … that has broken you restores you a little, I say a little, for henceforth you will always keep something broken about you.

Tell yourself this, too, for it is a kind of pleasure to know that you will never love less, that you will never be consoled, that you will constantly
remember more and more.

These days,my destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing the familiar old things in new light.

There are perhaps no days of our childhood we lived so fully as those we believe we left without having lived them, those we spent with a favourite book.

And then there are all those cute and young innocent friends that we lost along the way,too young to die.

I still remember them.

Love is not vain because it is frustrated, but because it is fulfilled. The people we love turn to ashes when we possess them. We glorify their lives only when we lose them again.

People who we love do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as
when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad.

But,time, which changes people, does not alter the image we have of them.

Sometimes,a divine illumination comes to our rescue at the very moment when all seems lost; we have knocked at every door and they open on nothing until, at last, we stumble unconsciously against the only one through which we can enter the kingdom we have
sought in vain a hundred years – and it opens.

We believe that we can change the things around us in accordance with our desires—we believe it because otherwise we can see no favourable outcome. We do not think of the outcome which generally comes to pass and is also favourable: we do not succeed in changing things in accordance with our desires, but gradually our desires change. The situation that we hoped to change because it was intolerable becomes unimportant to us. We have failed to surmount the obstacle, as we were absolutely determined to do, but life has taken us round it, led us beyond it, and then if we turn round
to gaze into the distance of the past, we can barely see it, so imperceptible has it become.

People claim that we recapture for a moment the self that we were long ago when we enter some house or garden in which we used to live in our youth. But these are most hazardous pilgrimages, which end as often in disappointment as in success. It is in ourselves that we should rather seek to find those fixed places, contemporaneous with different years.

All the paradises that we lost in our lives,still live in our hearts;when we sit still,they can still come back to life!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Loving fathers in Kenya are those who pay bills,not the ones who care most!

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I hate driving.

I hate driving myself to work.

I love driving.

I love driving myself for leisure.

My car radio is normally my moderator on these two ambivalent perspectives on my feelings about driving.

I love my car stereo.

It makes my driving a leisure at all times.

I enjoy the banter that goes on in Radio talk shows and call-in sessions during my early morning drives.

Recently,a local radio station Capital FM, carried out an interesting social experiment.

They gathered a group of young men in their 20s and early 30s and asked each one to call their fathers and utter three dreaded
words in Mars, “I love you”.

That this coincided with the recent uproar of “Deadbeat Dads” where useless fathers like me were told off for not being responsible fathers by footing all their family bills,I was all ears,hoping to hear gallant sons who are proud of their fathers sing praise to them.

My estranged sons would definitely “roast” anyone trying to tell them that I’m a good dad.

But back to the Radio Talk.

The anxiety expressed was real.

Where does one start?

How to broach the subject?

“The old man will think I have lost the plot or
thoroughly high on something herbal?”

Eventually after some relentless pressure, the guys each called their fathers in turn.

They mostly started by beating about the bush with windy salutations before blurting out the words like a bashful teenagers stuck in a lift with an older crush, “Dad… some guys told me to tell you, I love you”.

The reactions of the fathers on the other end of the line was positive, if not somewhat surprised as if to say, “What the hell?”

Nonetheless, they were very receptive and the gratitude was expressed all around.

The initial fears expressed appeared
unwarranted.

So, why don’t Kenyan men tell their dads that they love them more often?

Probably because we believe our fathers would not appreciate that level of validation?

Try making a habit of calling your 60 year old plus old man every so often to tell him how much you love him and he will politely ask you to contain yourself.

If you really must appreciate his efforts in bringing you up, then make something of out of your life and give him something to brag about amongst his peers.

If the same experiment was carried out between
mothers and sons, the response would have been quick and swift.

But “I love you dad” does not roll off
the tongue that easy.

I suppose it is a cultural specific thing.

The phrase “I love you” in the conservative African mindset has a very precise context.

That is a western romantic notion that
usually reserved for gooey eyed lovers.

Love, like sex,has a certain level of sacredness in the traditional African homestead.

These are not things to be discussed in public surely!

It does not mean that you do not love your dad
because one does not show eagerness to give him a bear hug every time he appears.

Out in Kenyan mano-sphere, there is a different language of love.

Those who know do not need to tell.

Actions have always spoken louder than words.

For some people receiving gifts is what makes them feel appreciated.

A bottle of top shelf whisky is a very loving gesture.

For others, it is just quality time, shooting the breeze, dissecting politics and roasting meat.

An African man from an early age is socialised to show, rather than tell.

Hence, male courtship is all about grand gestures and the very reason diamonds stand pre-eminent.

Nothing says “I love you” like a big shiny and pricey rock.

It is also the reason men break their backs to be
seen as able providers to their women and families.

Loving fathers in Kenya are those who pay bills.

Culturally, daddies were always placed on a pedestal but they had to earn their respect.

I was socialised to never bother trying to understand my dads’ motivation for anything.

It was not my place to figure him out.

One learnt to accept him for who he was and if you did not like his style, then wait until you
could start your own family.

Indeed, we never understand the love of a parent until we become parents ourselves.

Ultimately, all that good fathers’ desire, is to make their children better versions of themselves.

My father wished I could follow his advice but I ended up following his examples.

Men,contrary to all other false beliefs.would love to hear an affirmative declaration of love from their sons!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A Vagabond mind in the depth of the night

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It is 11:45pm on a dark evening.

I’m disturbed by an image of a street girl who I saw sleeping on a street verandah this evening as I drove home from town.

As a matter of fact, I still do not know why I am
writing this because right now, I have so many
things going on in my mind.

Sssshhhh!

Can you hear that?

The silence is deafening and the clock won’t stop ticking.

I am wide awake and I do not know why.

Well, apart from my mind’s constant thoughts of grabbing something to bite, I am staring right into my computers screen.

I have access to unlimited internet but I have run out of things to Google.

Who gets this blank minded anyway?

Maybe, this is that point when you should be throwing the ‘get a life!’ words at me.

And yes, I have a life, many lives than the nine lives of a cat by the way.

Well, a part of me wants to get this beauty sleep I hear everyone blabbing about but a part of me tells me not yet.

I would not want to blame this entire mystery on
insomnia because then again, I have been sleeping the whole (okay, almost) the whole day-

That is what you do when you are tired of drinking the lemonades from life’s given lemons.

That is a story for another day but the bottom line is; sometimes you toast, sometimes you pass.

It is questionable why someone in their golden old age like me would have so much going on especially at this hour when they could be
dancing themselves crazy to “Mugithi” folk songs in some old geezers night club.

Sincerely, I do not have a perfect answer to that and I will tell you for sure that you are better off on the darker side because some things, once you know them, you may wish to bet your life to un know them but the thought alone, is impossible.

As I continue to write, there are drops of rain on the roof, slowly and then rapidly and then slowly again.

Naturally, it should be melody to my soul or can I say a sweet soothing lullaby?

The virtual remote control in my mind wants so badly to switch my thoughts into something else.
A thought crosses my mind that there is a small girl in the streets who needs this bed I am sitting on to keep herself warm. Or even share this bed with me for a night-what kind of pervert thoughts are these,running through my blank mind?

It crosses my mind that she may not have had any meal for the better part of the day and as she lays on the corner of some shop’s verandah to catch some sleep, she can’t help but get herself soaked not from her piss but from the heavy downpour. She is just a hapless street girl.

It is devastating.

I did not see this coming but now I am in deeper thought.

The question that constantly resonates on
my mind is; why do we take the most basic and
simple things we have in life for granted?

Like now, I have a roof over my head, I took all three meals during the day and I have the hands to type what I feel right now and the eyes to skim through my computer’s screen to follow through.

Why am I not happy?

Or better still, why can’t I be in bed asleep?

That I cannot get people to like me for who I am, does that make me worse than this girl?

That a part of me has become fatter overnight (that’s what we say), is it worth sulking for the rest of my life?

That people won’t appreciate the little gestures you express to them, does the world have to come to an end?

I have come to learn that in as much as life is not fair (which is sensible because can you imagine how it would be if it were), it is a matter of choice whether you live happily or whether you drown in melancholy.

Whether you consider it fair or unfair entirely depends on what you want to make of it.

Learn to make the best even out of the worst
situations, like that woman who has a passion in art but her lack of hands will not kill her dreams.

Just know that sometimes what is abnormal to you may be the normal someone somewhere is craving for.

In the end, people will come and go, people will love and hate, people will laugh and cry, people will make and break but what really sticks out is the gentle touch you give to someone’s soul when they most need it.

Don’t stop because they don’t want you
to…Stop when they don’t need you to.

Actually, I am seriously feeling hungry now.

I guess I will have to go now.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Why men LOVE their cars and LIKE their women

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Most men see cars as a sense of freedom and
adventure and develop personal relationship
with them.

Why men love cars so much?

Why do they often take better care of their cars than their women?

Let us plunge in and tackle the love of men for cars.

Love at first sight!

What do cars give men?

A sense of freedom and adventure is a highly recognised answer among both men and women.

The power and freedom men and women feel when a machine follows their commands is a main driving factor for love of cars.

Moreover, it is not easy for most men today to buy the dream car,and they work hard to make it happen.

Thus, it becomes something they’ve been waiting and working for, which is why they feel passionate about it and when they achieve it they love it… and take care of it.

This can give some hints to many women out
there wondering about the best approach to hold the man’s attention and affection.

It always makes you feel comfortable, when it’s
the right car…but isn’t it the same with the right
woman?

Men develop personal relationship with their cars faster than women because they perceive their car as an extension while women don’t.

Women do experience that for example with their homes – they see the house as an extension of their being.

For most women a car is a separate entity.

For women it is a convenience, what the car can do for them, for men is more like a sentient being they need to get to know and respond to – men love cars, that’s it.

Don’t get mad ladies.

It is somewhat sad that men feel that way about their cars, but there is an explanation to
that.

According to a BMW study, men feel like they have nothing to prove to and feel completely relaxed while driving their car.

If you think about it, it is not the same with their woman.

Most men feel constantly pressured to prove and justify themselves in front of a woman.

And this feeling intensifies even more when they get married.

Although many would argue that, it is the truth and it applies to women too.

Therefore, developing this personal relationship with their cars, men easily differentiate it from the personal relationship with a woman as easier to maintain and still satisfactory.

Moreover, by owning the car of their dreams – often a high performance, luxury vehicle – most men equate it with them and take pride in their car.

A man’s opinion: “I like to listen to my car. You can hear when the turbo clicks in – that vacuum-cleaner effect. You can just feel the giddy up effect, and the sensation of power is brilliant – you can feel it through the steering wheel and the back of the seat.”

A man can rarely find the right words to explain how he feels about a woman, yet he can be very
expressive about his car because it is a different type of love.

Both type of relationships, with a woman and
with a car, are discovered slowly and deepened with the time.

In both relationships, development raises more questions, but with the car, questions often
don’t demand an answer instantly.

The response a man gets from his car is mechanical in its nature and yet it speaks on an emotional level.

There is clicking,gear shifting and tire screeching, sounds men often describe with purring that makes them happy.

In a relationship with the woman they love, the discovery process is more interactive which involves more effort as women are not easy to please at all.

Women acknowledge that and yet it can’t be changed because women are highly emotional and intellectual beings who like to show it.

No matter how easy going a woman’s personality is, the relationship demands a
lot of work to maintain and unfortunately a big
percentage of men are not ready to put in the effort.

So, the car becomes their perfect match on many levels.

Every day…we are driving and loving it!

Driving your car in general is intimate and individual experience.

They can only feel them, share, and enjoy the fact that they are not pressured to do that
and not getting a response from their car only
strengthen the personal relationship.

Moreover, the way a car looks and feels partly determines how we feel and drive.

Sounds familiar maybe ladies?

So, having the control and familiarity when driving your car is a pleasurable experience that makes the seemingly unemotional men to be strongly attached to their car.

This explains why when moving men are ten times more likely to ship a car, rather than sell it.

To most men the car becomes their moving house,their second home that can be shown yet remain private.

Many would say that this love for cars in men
comes down to control, yet it is an emotional
relationship.

From the men themselves

“Since not having a car I’ve had to rely on public transport to take me where I want to go, having to sit near people I don’t know on a seat where I have no idea who sat there before me.”

In a bus I even have to look at the back of people’s heads for the whole trip while in a car I can look anywhere I want at my own pace with no obstruction in my line of vision.”

“I haven’t seen any friends since the loss of my car, most of them live in the same district as me. I like knowing that at any moment I can just jump in my car and go wherever I want. I could go to Timbuktu or to the extreme north of Mahe just for a drive if I wanted to. While if I want to do that in a bus I will first have to wait for hours to finally get one; it will take hours to reach there as it is stopping at every turn to either take on or disembark a passenger.”

“Sometimes I just cruise around in Victoria with my arms resting on the window sill. Some girls are really attracted to men in fancy cars so it’s my way of getting girls.”

“I drive around in my cars playing music as loud as I can. I feel good listening to music in my car. While if at home my wife will never stop shouting at me to turn down the volume.”

“Some men have this perception that one is rich
when one owns a car. This is totally stupid. How can one goes round in a car when his stomach is empty?”

Women also like cars but …

Not that women don’t love cars.

They do, but in a different way.

You won’t read about a rich female who squanders huge amounts of her money
acquiring a stable of cars (unless she is in love with her chauffeur) but footballers who spend fortunes on car after car when they hardly have the time to drive one are commonplace.

If I ask a woman what her first car was, she can always tell me.

Chances are she gave it a name, drove it for years and cried when she had to sell it.

It is equally likely that she didn’t keep it very clean and never polished it, and that it is always full of odds and ends, pillows, spare shoes, kids’ stuff, rubbish of all kinds.

When a woman drives her husband’s cars,
she is usually on notice that a scratch, spilt food and drink on carpet or upholstery, ash in the ashtray means she will never be allowed to drive it again.

His car is part of her husband’s self-image; her car is her dear friend and helper, her supermarket trolley, her baby-carriage.

He would rather take the bus than be seen at the wheel of her grubby hatch-back; she pilots his gleaming Hyundai through double-parked
streets with her heart in her mouth.

Much as he might love his car, no man weeps when he sells it on for a better one.

With his new car his youth is renewed; its increased performance endows him with vigour.

Women can be neglectful of their cars, and forget to put water in radiators, refill the washer tanks, replenish the oil or put air in tyres but they don’t deliberately mistreat them.

You won’t hear women boasting about how they wrote off a car or blew up its engine.

The woman who drives a hundred miles with the handbrake on or the choke out, or leaves the lights on and flattens the battery, can feel nothing but guilt and embarrassment.

Men who write off or blow up cars do so deliberately and glory in the deed, stupid and destructive though it clearly is.

A man who can never remember to use a lavatory brush or swill the shaving lather out of the hand- basin will devote litres of water to washing his car.

He will hose out the wheel-arches and remove every last insect corpse from the windscreen and the trim, and then leather off every inch of the paintwork so that not so much as a water-spot dims its radiance.

A man who cannot tell you what colour his wife’s eyes are will be able to tell you all the specifications of his motor.

He will know how it measures up against all
the cars in its price range, year or model, and be able to prove that he is not the kind of wuss who buys the wrong car.

In fact, this love affair starts long before puberty,when a baby boy meets his first wheeled toy and knows that it represents something that makes him go faster.

The little girl may know it too, but she is
less likely to care.

A man who can never remember to use a lavatory brush or swill the shaving lather out of the hand- basin will devote litres of water and washing liquids to washing his car

It might sound a bit weird, but there are plenty of guys out there that secretly love their cars more than their women!

Having a strong emotional attachment to material objects is nothing new, and, for some adult males, cars are often their “ comfort
blankets” in adulthood.

Of course, as a man, if you are in a relationship
with a woman, or are perhaps married to one, they should not have to compete for your love with an inanimate object!

Are you worried that you might love your car more than the lady in your life?

Check out these tell-tale signs!

»You talk more to your car than to your lady

Talking to one’s self isn’t anything to be alarmed about, as we all do it from time to time.
Talking aloud helps us to find the answers to any complex questions when we are alone.

But if you find that you have more conversations with your pride and joy than you do with the woman in your life, you are either bored of your other half or you just prefer to seek solace from your automotive “partner.”

»You get jealous when people look at your car

Now when I buy cars I don’t tend to have much of an emotional attachment other than giving my cars nicknames.

I also don’t care if people look at my car as they walk or drive past it.

You might have a problem if you get jealous
whenever random strangers give your automobile admiring glances.

Unless you drive an invisible car,I can guarantee you that people will look at your
car.

And if you happen to drive something exotic such as an Italian supercar, you will have even more people ogling your car than you would if you rolled around in a Ford Fiesta!

»You talk about your car as if it were a person

If you walked into a Carbase showroom, or the
showroom of any car dealership for that matter,
you would hear people talking about cars using
words such as “it” or “the”.

For example, any normal person might say
something like “my car is running rough at the
moment, I think it needs a service.”

But you probably have issues if you start talking to people about your car as if it were a person:

“Laura isn’t feeling well at the moment, she said she has stomach pains.”

»You believe your car IS a person

To be honest, I’ve not come across anyone that
believes their car is a person.

Cars are inanimate objects; they are mechanical devices that feature a lot of steel, plastic, rubber and carpet, amongst other things.

What they don’t have is vital organs such as a heart,liver, kidneys or lungs.

Nor do they assume the shape of a woman.

If you are reading this and are convinced that your car is a woman, I highly recommend you seek professional help because you will lose someone that does love you and is a woman!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A place I call home

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Where is that place we call home?
Is it here, is it over there,beyond the hills?
Is it in that soft warm bosom of my sweet girl?
So where is that place we call home, you ask?

It’s where you feel safe,
And it’s where you know everyone around you loves you for you,
Your cat,your neighbours,your friends,
A place that you always love to be.

Do you have a place you can call home like I do?

It’s been a long hard ride getting there,
And I won’t lose hope,
This is still the place,
That we all call home.

To chase that dream across the seven seas,
For something that i believe in,
And that’s a place I call my home.

I have travelled all over the world,
Been to the world’s most famous places,
Have seen the Victoria Fall’s falling waters,
Have left tracks on the well known deserts of Africa,
But there is one favourite place among all,
A place where love has always been there for me,
That’s a place we all call home.

No matter how far I can go ,I wont forget it.

Even though sometimes i have little at home ,
I will not depart from home , it’s my favourite place.

No matter how much luxury I have found out there ,
It can never be compared to this beautiful place,
That I call my home.

Home holds many memories for me,
I can look back and see those best days I had at
home,
So full of love , so full of laughter,
And I can look back again and see those days
Where i had little to eat and less to wear,
but I still laughed joyfully.

No place can be compared with home.

I can find comfort all over the world,
I can run as far as my feet can take me,
I can have all the beauties in the world,
But they can never be compared to this beautiful place that I call home.

This is the most wonderful place for me among all places,
The place which I will never forget, a place where everything is there just for me,and me alone,
The place that gives me comfort and relaxation,
That’s a place we all call home, home sweet home.

I’m really grateful for this place I call home,
For gratitude is riches,
And discontent is a spiritual poverty!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Chart your own way to personal freedom

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When you were born you arrived without an
instructional manual!

You were expected to figure things out as you evolved.

And everyone else was in the same boat,born without an operating manual.

We learnt initially by imitation.

Repeating words that our parents taught us.

By the time we were 4-5 years old we were starting to figure things out and our individual personality began to develop.

Then we went to school and were moulded into a functioning individual. Rather like a bakery.

The dough is placed into hundreds of bread moulds and when cooked all the loaves look the same.

So it is with us by the end of our basic schooling.

We have learnt to fit into society and have been taught the basic reading and writing skills that enable us to join the workforce.

And here the pressure to conform really begins.
If we displease our boss our job is on the line.

Likewise in our social environment we don’t really want to displease our church, family or members of our social groups.

Everything is a compromise because we have no real individual freedom.

That is we are not free to do things the way we really want to.

And as we grow into adulthood and start a family the same pressures to conform are still with us.

Society expects us to behave in an acceptable way… that is… acceptable to the society we live in.

As we progress through life we slowly come to the realisation that we are not a free spirit and never have been.

It gets to the point where many individuals suddenly rebel and go off at a tangent.

Which is why so many marriages fail these days.

In the “good old days” unhappy marriage partners stuck together “for the sake of the family”.

There used to be tremendous social pressures on married couples to “hang in there”.

These days there is no such pressure.

People who have been confined and restricted all their life suddenly break out.

There are plenty of alternatives available to unhappy individuals and a massive amount of information available thanks to the internet and a more open news media approach.

You have the right to be free and happy.

That’s the point… you have the right to be free and happy.

If you are not then you are denying yourself this basic freedom.

The old attitude might have been acceptable 40 years ago but it now no longer applies.

Many of you reading this will recognise the truth of the above analysis and will be asking what you can do about it.

To pull yourself away from the personal traps that keep you away from true personal freedom, you need to sit down and rethink your beliefs and attitudes.

Many of us have developed beliefs that are simply no longer valid and we pursue them merely from force of habit.

We need to break these habits and re-program our personal belief system so that we feel we are the master of our own destinies!

At any one point in time each and every sane individual is either doing that which makes them the happiest or doing that which makes them the least unhappy.

Most individuals operate in the latter category.

Think about the things you have done so far today.

Did they make you seriously happy or did you do them so that you wouldn’t be unhappy?

I’ll bet that less than 5% of them actually
made you happy!

In fact, think back over the past week and
isolate one single event that made you blissfully happy and personally satisfied.

It has taken me many years to sort out my belief system to the point where I now feel almost totally free.

And I made a ton of mistakes along the way because I didn’t have an instruction manual to help me.

An instruction manual for personal freedom
But you are in a totally different position because you are currently reading this vital instruction manual!!

The vast majority of individuals get stuck in this rut all their lives but occasionally a traumatic event breaks them out of it.

For example a person might become seriously ill and their doctor advises that they only have 6 months to live.

Now some people will roll over and pretend to be dead the moment they hear this while others will suddenly realise that they haven’t lived life at all and go hell-bent on catching up.

These are the ones who get so involved in doing all those things they always wanted to do that their illness suddenly disappears.

There are many recorded instances of these miraculous cures, particularly in regard to cancer.

Just stop for a moment and visualise what you would do in this situation.

You might be stuck with a time-wasting family situation of visiting Auntie Nellie and Uncle Dan every Sunday fortnight for dinner because that’s what you have always done and it is expected of you.

If you got sudden bad news like this would you continue to visit them or would you head off to do some jet-skiing or para-sailing?

Chances are you would mentally cut all the things out of your life that didn’t matter and do only those things that did.

And this is where you can sit down and make a list of all the important things you do each month.

Take some time about it and make a complete list.

Now imagine which items you would cross out if
you knew you had limited time left.

You would probably find that 80% of the so-called important items had been deleted.

This is the exercise I did many years ago when I realised I was wasting my life on garbage non-productive events.

I crossed out all the things that didn’t really matter, particularly those items that I felt obliged to participate in because of social or family pressure.

I got somewhat unpopular initially but others soon realised I had taken a new lease on life and left me alone.

My thinking was that this life of mine was not a practice run and I’d better start living it otherwise I would go to my deathbed with a ton of regrets.

Just visualise lying in a hospital bed with all your family around you in the certain knowledge that you are dying and suddenly
realising that there were many things in life that you hadn’t done.

You had “missed out” because of your inertia and were extremely sad about it.

Do you want to spend the last few moments suffering from massive regrets? No… I don’t
think so!

It is over to you to correct this situation NOW.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Mindlessness breeds perfection,and perfect happiness too!

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“When you become lost in what you are doing . . .
When the mind goes away . . .
When your mind disappears and gets lost doing something that you love doing . . .
Then,and only then,does your masterpiece appear.”~Zen Habits

Creativity is a profound rebellion.

If you examine an event or a time in your life when you created something valuable, a masterpiece of your creation, you will find that time disappeared.

During those minutes or hours in which you
worked, nothing else in the world existed.

You were the only person in the world.

And your task was the most important thing in the world.

There was no time. There was no distraction. There was no mind.

And most glorious of all, there was no YOU.

Your hands worked of their own accord.

Dancing to a rhythm all their own.

Neuron impulses travelled directly from brain to fingertips, bypassing YOU altogether.

There was no thought of what it might look like.

There was no hope of anyone liking it.

There was no fear of it being ridiculed.

The entire affair was thoughtless, mindless, and ego-less.

This is how masterpieces are created.

In the end, it is YOU that stands between you and your masterpiece.

During my years in university, there was a cook that I remember to this day.

He worked in the university grill.

He was well known amongst the students and
staff. For his happiness.

Whether it was 6AM or 6PM, whether it was
weekday or weekend, sunshine or hail, he greeted everyone with a boisterous “Good morning. How are you this morning?”

There might have been forty people in the breakfast line and he would greet every single one the same way.

Many, including myself, would often wonder
how it was that a man could be so joyful.

Regardless of the time or the day.

While this was the quality he was most known for, I found another which was even more impressive.

I once sneaked into the kitchen to watch him
cook. I just couldn’t help it.

I wanted to see this man in his natural
state.

What was he like behind the scenes?

As he would make a grilled omelette sandwich, he would place the bread slice onto the grill as if it were made of glass.

He placed two pieces of the omelette onto the bread and he took his spatula and he pressed
down evenly and gently.

His left hand poured a small bit of oil onto the pan, while his right handled the spatula.

He placed the sandwich onto a plate.

Precisely in the centre.

He took a knife and pressed his left palm upon the top of the blade and pressed down, and then after it was cut he flicked his left hand into the air as if it were a show.

But there was no one there to watch.

No one that he knew of, that is.

Suddenly one of the servers dropped a plate which fell and shattered about thirty feet from him.

He didn’t so much as flinch.

His focus remained on the sandwich.

On his ultimate creation.

All the while, his lips remained pursed in concentration.

His sleeves hung loose at the wrist.

The entire affair was done with such rhythm, such grace.

It was like a ballet dance,all in synch.

I remain convinced to this day that he did not even hear that plate fall.

I have spent years giving myself to my
endeavours.

It was difficult in the beginning.

Distractions were the order of the day.

And the mind would was difficult to settle.

But it is much easier now.

In fact, I have used this approach not only with work but with my daily existence.

And things happen of their own accord.

Whether it is playing the piano or writing a
discourse, the fingers seem to find their own way.

The instincts and the motions come to me rather
than from me.

And I sit watching the beautiful dance of life unfold.

This, my friends, is what I have discovered is the
secret of making a masterpiece of your craft.

Society, from childhood forward, is taught to do
things according to a certain technique.

In a certain way. According to a certain methodology.

Superiors judge the individual for how well
they follow the methodology.

How good the result is.

And whether every direction is adhered to.

The type of individuals that are created in this manner are not leaders but followers.

What is being taught is not creativity,
but mimicry.

Is it a wonder that the creative, the elite, in any
discipline are so few?

It is not that only a subset of human beings harbour creativity.

It is that only a subset choose to nurture it.

The world is addicted to the “how to.”

And there is no shortage of individuals to indulge them.

Creativity is a profound rebellion.

That which comes from a sacred place within you is far superior than that which comes from the world around you.

The secret of work lies not in the comparing of the result against a prevailing standard.

The secret of work lies not in following a recipe.
The secret of work lies not in the praise that it garners.

The secret of work lies in the state of the human being performing it.

The secret of work lies not in mindfulness. But mindlessness.

Mindlessness?

Yes, mindLESSness.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

You owe it to yourself to be the best person possible

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It’s almost Christmas time my dear friends and readers, and I have the usual problem of deciding what to give you as this year’s Christmas gift.

I know you might enjoy many things — books, games, clothes.

But I’m very selfish.

I want to give you something that will stay with you for more than a few months or years.

I want to give you a gift that might remind
you of me every Christmas.

If I could give you just one thing, I’d want it to be a simple truth that took me many years to learn.

If you learn it now, it may enrich your life in hundreds of ways.

And it may prevent you from facing many
problems that have hurt people who have never
learned it.

The truth is simply this: No one owes you anything.

Significance

How could such a simple statement be important?

It may not seem so, but understanding it can bless your entire life.

No one owes you anything.

It means that no one else is living for you, my friend.

Because no one else is you.

Each person is living for himself; his own happiness is all he can ever personally feel.

When you realize that no one owes you happiness or anything else, you’ll be freed from expecting what isn’t likely to be.

It means no one has to love you.

If someone loves you, it’s because there’s something special about you that gives him happiness.

Find out what that something special is and try to make it stronger in you, so that you’ll be loved even more.

When people do things for you, it’s because they want to — because you, in some way, give them something meaningful that makes them want to please you, not because anyone owes you anything.

No one has to like you.

If your friends want to be with you, it’s not out of duty.

Find out what makes others happy so they’ll want to be near you.

No one has to respect you.

Some people may even be unkind to you.

But once you realize that people don’t have to be good to you, and may not be good to you, you’ll learn to avoid those who would harm
you.

For you don’t owe them anything either.

Living your Life

No one owes you anything.

You owe it to yourself to be the best person
possible.

Because if you are, others will want to be
with you, want to provide you with the things you want in exchange for what you’re giving to them.

Some people will choose not to be with you for
reasons that have nothing to do with you.

When that happens, look elsewhere for the relationships you want.

Don’t make someone else’s problem your
problem.

Once you learn that you must earn the love and
respect of others, you’ll never expect the
impossible and you won’t be disappointed.

Others don’t have to share their property with you, nor their feelings or thoughts.

If they do, it’s because you’ve earned these things.

And you have every reason to be proud of the love you receive, your friends’ respect, the property you’ve earned.

But don’t ever take them for granted.

If you do, you could lose them.

They’re not yours by right; you must always earn them.

My Experience

A great burden was lifted from my shoulders the day I realised that no one owes me anything.

For so long as I’d thought there were things I was entitled to, I’d been wearing myself out —physically and emotionally — trying to collect them.

No one owes me moral conduct, respect, friendship, love, courtesy, or intelligence.

And once I recognised that, all my relationships became far more satisfying.

I’ve focused on being with people who want to do the things I want them to do.

That understanding has served me well with friends, business associates, lovers, sales prospects, and strangers.

It constantly reminds me that I can get
what I want only if I can enter the other person’s world.

I must try to understand how he thinks,what he believes to be important, what he wants.

Only then can I appeal to someone in ways that will bring me what I want.

And only then can I tell whether I really want to be involved with someone.

And I can save the important relationships for those with whom I have the most in
common.

It’s not easy to sum up in a few words what has
taken me years to learn.

But maybe if you re-read this gift each Christmas, the meaning will become a little clearer every year.

I hope so, for I want more than anything else for you to understand this simple truth that can set you free:

No one owes you anything!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Memories of my “silent” father. My own challenges as a father

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The soundtrack of my relationship with my father has always been silence.

It filled every crack and cranny, sipped in and cemented our interaction like melted cheese.

He was always there without being there.

I saw him.

Felt him.

Heard him.
Smelled him (his aftershave) but you still felt the silence.

He had this chair.

You know most of them had their own chair.

The Chair.

Their own chair.

It was more than a chair, it was his throne.

The patriarch’s chair.

And you didn’t put your bum in that chair.

Not unless you were paying rent that month.

Neither did you move it.

My dad’s was this sofa-like chair, with a beat-down sunken cushion that perpetually retained the shape of his bum.

Revered. It sat in a corner of the living room,
next to his bookshelf.

A teetotaller, he would spend lots of time slumped in that chair, most weekends, after-work, forehead buried in some African literature, reading about Savimbi or Samora, music streaming from this old gramophone that you also didn’t touch.

Neither did you paw his music records: T.P OK Jazz, Jim Reeves, Dolly Parton. Odd music.

End of day, he’d come home, his tea ready by a
stool, and he’d set up that baby,his gramophone.

It had an arm, which had this pin at the tip.

After setting his record in, carefully, with the focus of a surgeon, he would place this pin at the very edge of the record (it was called san) and the living room would suddenly fill up with this scratchy sound,as the pin rotated across the grooves, searching for the opening note.

Back then – in the 70’s – we didn’t own a TV, so it was either you sat in the house to listen to Franco or you went out to play.

You get a cookie for guessing what we chose.

If you ask me what sound reminds me most of
my relationship with my old man, it isn’t the
sound of him revving his Peugeot one last time
as he parked it in the evening, or him coughing
and blowing his nose in the bathroom as he
showered, it’s the sound of that pin running the
grooves of the san, searching for a sound.

But mostly it’s the silence that bubbled up.

It wasn’t an offensive silence.

It wasn’t a disinterested silence.

It was just silence.

Fatherhood back then wasn’t about friendship.

You didn’t tell your father how you felt.

You didn’t sit at his feet and tell him about your pubertal girlfriend problems.

You navigated your struggles alone.

So we hardly conversed.

We spoke, yes, but we hardly conversed.

And when we conversed he was asking about school.

He always asked about school.

About grades.

Seldom would he look at a math problem, which I sucked at,royally.

I remember my “sponsor” taking me to be snipped at the river in my teenage as I “transitioned” into manhood (Oh mom, she would have bee nsuch an angel to see her son initiated into adulthood,but she left me when I was only a day old).

But even after, when I was recovering, he didn’t ask how it went or how it was going.

It would have been nice to tell me that the morning hardons would be a killer.

But he didn’t know how to talk to me.

He didn’t know how to put feelings into words,
which was ironic because he has spent all his life buried in books. Buried in words. Words he has never learnt how to use.

Growing up there seemed to be some sort of a
protocol: most communications passed through
my step mom.

You want new school uniform?

You tell mom, mom tells him (when he is in a good mood, obviously).

You hate the school you are in?

Tell mom, mom tells him.

The pocket money you are getting is a joke?

Tell mom, mom laughs it off.

But now mom is gone dodo and he is left
with a kid he doesn’t know how to speak to.

He tries.

He really tries but he’s out of his depth.

Old dogs don’t learn new tricks. He’s lost. So am I.

Phone conversations last under a minute.

Conversations filled mostly with niceties and the weather and cows.

Him: Remember that white and brown calf, well now it’s all grown and recently had a calf? Well we are getting so much milk now.

Me: Which brown and white cow? I
thought it was a bull?

Him: Loud sigh. That’s why you need to come to the village more often. Etc, Etc.

In mom’s absence the silence of childhood is
back again.

Like an amoeba it’s filling again all the
spaces, all the crevices mom left in her demise.

Why am I airing this family laundry here?

Because it’s not a big deal, and because nothing is ever that serious for one and two because I have realised that now that I have a son, my relationship with my father is going to impact on the relationship I have with my boy.

Guys have always asked me, how different is it raising a boy now as compared to raising a girl? The truth?

Boys eat more!

But here is the distinction.

Although Kim,my boy, brings out the steel in me, Tamms,my girl, makes me very
vulnerable to the point I almost feel unworthy to be keeping a beard.

As in when she is moody in the morning, and she doesn’t talk to me in the car as I drop her to school it bloody affects my moods.

I seem obsessed with her happiness.

There is a time she kind of dropped Kim, and Kim being a mama’s boy, screamed like his eyes had been gorged out (roll eyes) and I shouted at her, “WILL YOU PLEASE FOCUS WHEN YOU ARE CARRYING YOUR DAMNED BROTHER?” It just
came out of my hot mouth.

And she shrunk and tears came to her eyes because I never ever shout at her and before she could break into a cry (she hardly ever
cries) I told her, “Go to your room and read a
book!”

And then my missus gave me that look of
“Come on, it was an accident,” and I went back to watching TV acting like I didn’t care but then it made me feel so bloody lousy, and guilty and I thought if she ever gets pregnant at 18 it will be because I shouted at her.

So later, like an hour, I went to her room with intentions of making up by trying to be funny and Heck!

But before I said anything she said, “I’m sorry I dropped Kim” and my insides melted.

So you see what Tamms just makes me soft and
vulnerable and mushy because she is so fragile
and delicate and I treat her like fine china.

She is my girl.

With Kim it’s different. I realised I’m treating him like a man even though he doesn’t even have teeth yet.

I think it’s because I don’t want to raise
a weak man.

Weakness comes from lack of confidence.

Lack of confidence comes from wrong socialisation.

I have standards I wish of him that will determine how well I have done with him.

First, it would be nice if Kim didn’t turn out to “like” boys.

I’m just saying. I know in another 15years time, mind-sets would have changed completely and my feelings on gayism would be out-dated and degenerated.

But as a father I would prefer if he “liked” girls.

Even though the thought of Tamms bringing home a boy fills my heart with sulphuric acid, the thought of some hot thing with a good bum
on it coming to ask for him would fill me with
pride.

I’d nod inward and say, “Here we have
good taste.” I know, it’s not fair at all.

I don’t care if he pierces his nipples at teenage.

Or gets a Dinka tribal tattoo on his bum.

He can do whatever he wants with his body as long as he is respectful and humble.

I would love if he was backed up against the wall that the one person he would think of calling to get him out of that jam would be me.

I want him to tell his mates, that my old man, is that guy who puts things in perspective.

To respect me. When I die I want him to feel completely lost for a long time, to feel this large quarry open up in his life and know that no one will ever fill it. Not even his mother.

But I’m in danger of raising a weak man because my house is an all-woman digs.

They run that joint. My women. The Missus. Tamms. And the house help.

I just pay rent and stay in my corner.

But I see the way they handle that boy.

The way they fuss over him.

The way they femalise him. (Just made up
that word).

The way they call him weak names
like “baba”. Blimey! Baba sounds like a
manicurist!

Then of all the toys he has, he has grown very fond of this pink toy that looks girlie.

It disturbed me a bit. OK, a lot.

So I went and bought him this cool toy called Monkey Rattle (you are welcome Baby Shop), which he held once and threw away.

He cries too much.

Maybe it’s a stage but it has to stop.

So for instance now he is trying to walk and
when he falls, not ati a bad fall that can
potentially break his neck, and starts crying you should see ALL the females in the house falling all over themselves to reach out ti him.

It’s disgusting.

And kids are crafty, they will fall down and then look around to see if you have seen and when you react with shock they will start bawling like they just sprained an ankle.

The other day when he fell crying and every skirt was rushing to get him up I hollered loudly, like Shaka Zulu, spear blocking the path of the marauding women, “No!”I bellowed, “Let him be! Let him be a man and get up!” They all froze.

So he cried lying on his belly on the carpet,
waiting for help, which was not coming.

You should have seen Tamms she was near tears.

Hehe. The Missus was looking like she was about to slap me. The maid stared helplessly from the doorway.

So Kim cried. And cried. I told him, “get up baba, come up!”

Finally, mumbling baby obscenities I can’t understand, he got up and sat on his diapered
ass sniffing back the last tears.

I looked at the female audience with self righteousness and went back to watching TV sure that King Zulu’s wisdom had been adequately impacted on the females for
generations to come.

I’ve watched my Landlady’s son – Paul – grow up from a boy into a teenage in the past six years I have lived there.

I’ve seen his limbs elongate, seen him grow lanky, his voice break, his dressing change.

Sometimes I run into him as he waits for his school bus outside the gate as I go
for my run. (He attends Saints cathedral masses.)

We share quick hallos, him in his deep pubescent voice. I have also seen how his dad relates to him.

I noticed that when he comes back from work, he hands him the keys and he reverses this car into this garage like space.

And I admire that because it shows trust, that his dad treats him almost like a man.

And I’m always tempted to ask him what he
likes about his father when I run into him those very early mornings but he’s a teenager and you never quite know what mood they are in.

Most of our fathers raised us remotely.

That was their way.

The times then dictated that.

I think now things are different.

We need to talk to these boys.

Make them our pals without them thinking
they can smoke before us.

They should be able to tell us what they can’t tell their mothers.

They should be able to see us as allies.

And as the men they aspire to be.

Sons should be able to say, “If only I was half the man my father is…”

You have to pass through a dungeon to get there,I guess.

Because I talk to many big-shots who are over 50, I find myself asking them about fatherhood and I realise that nobody really has a template to raise boys.

Men just do the best they deem right because at the end of it all, it will be so hard to see how your son turned out – badly or well – and pretend that it isn’t a reflection of who you are.

Here is what I love about Kim.

When his diaper is being changed, (I can count you the number of times I have changed his diaper, less than five. I hear chaps out there have really taken this diaper-changing thing seriously.) he normally has this thing where he immediately reaches out and grabs his jewels.

Like he’s shooting a musical video in the Bronx.

Like he is so blessed he just can’t believe it.

I find it extremely hilarious.

But it fills me with pride because that’s something that we guys do when we just chilling at home, you reach out absentmindedly and slip your hands in your peejays.

Nothing says “guy” more than that.

This is to all men out there raising boys.

Salute!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

How to disarm your “hot buttons”~SEQUEL

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{PART TWO of ;Do you always fly off the handle when someone pushes your “hot buttons”? http://wp.me/p1JlOj-Eq}

It’s critical to identify just what pushes your buttons (or “yanks to your chain”) to begin with.

Otherwise, there’s no way you can pinpoint–let alone, work through–those past experiences that now prompt you to over react to
provocations that actually may be more “felt” than real.

In fact, it’s important to recognise that what
incites you isn’t necessarily anything that would
provoke someone else.

Finally, it may be only because the current-day
stimulus unconsciously reminds you of something that upset you weeks, months, years, or even decades ago, that you’re compelled to “lose your cool” in the present.

But once you can make the required connections between the there-and-then
and the here-and-now, you can begin to de-activate those buttons that, till this point, have irrationally taken over your behaviour.

Once you’re able to bring a new and more positive self-understanding to whatever distressing messages about yourself you
received–or thought you received–when you were younger (probably much younger), your essential self-image can undergo all kinds of transformative changes.

So what exactly is it that triggers your buttons?

And just how do you determine what causes you to become provoked?–what you can’t help but react to as an affront, annoyance,indignity, or insult?

Begin by asking yourself: Does this hot button relate to getting criticised? disagreed with? nagged? slighted? scolded? disregarded? ignored? . . .

Is it tied to being rebuffed? spurned? made fun of? humiliated? . . .

Is it about feeling trifled with?

Made to feel weak? inadequate? stupid? Might it be connected to feeling un-appreciated? unimportant? devalued? Or maybe taken advantage of? powerless?disrespected? . . .

Is it attached to feeling falsely or unfairly accused? distrusted? disapproved of?rejected?

Or is being mistakenly perceived as dishonest? guilty? shameful? Or could it be some verbal, or non-verbal, cue suggesting that you’re
unloved (or–far worse– unlovable)?

Consider making as comprehensive a list as possible of all the different things you can think of that have goaded you into seeing red in the past, that triggered you to instantly defend yourself, or attack the person who (presumably) intended to hurt you–or (as it
were) slam the door and “act out” your distress by angrily dis-engaging from your seeming provocateur entirely.

Remember, it’s safe to assume that anything
powerful enough to have pushed your buttons
previously is quite likely to push them again.

By now, it’s been said countless times that nothing predicts the future better than the past.

And the psychological dynamic of button-pushing hardly represents an exception to this familiar adage.

So catalog everything you can think of that incited you in times past.

And definitely consider as possibilities the extensive checklist of indignities inventoried above.

Unquestionably, you’ll find a pattern–whether it’s a sensitivity to being criticised,to feeling demeaned or disrespected, to experiencing
the other person as devaluing your viewpoint, or even to feeling utterly abandoned or rejected.

If you’re like most of us, you’ll probably discover that you’ve got considerably more than a single button susceptible to external provocation.

And if you’re particularly insecure, you may find that you have more vulnerability buttons–or “soft spots”–than, frankly, can easily be enumerated.

People characterised by others as “thin-skinned” may well have the most buttons of all.

Once another person hits a nerve deep inside you, there’s very little (at least in the moment) that, realistically, you can do.

But if, beforehand, you can
(1) de-sensitize yourself emotionally from those past experiences that were originally experienced as deeply threatening, and

(2) reassess positively the self-referencing negative meaning these past upsets held for you–that is, re-interpret these disturbing
events in a way that is both more accurate and self-validating–then you’re well on your way to
responding calmly (vs. reacting defensively or
angrily) to current-day situations that in the past may have sorely taxed your emotional resources.

To the extent that (however unconsciously) you’re still programmed to give others the authority to make you feel bad or doubt yourself, you’ll instantaneously feel compelled to diminish their power over you by reacting negatively to them.

But if you’ve been able to “update” your self-image by cognitively re-evaluating your past–thereby coming into your own, irrefutable authority as an adult–you’ll no longer feel the urgency to react this way.

For your emotional equilibrium, shored up by your ability to self-validate and self-soothe, will remain intact.

Even in the face of serious outward challenges, if you’ve developed an essentially favourable sense of self you won’t feel threatened by another’s insensitivity, put-downs, or lack of compassion or understanding.

For (to put it succinctly) you’re no longer dependent on external validation to feel okay
about yourself.

Your feelings of inner security are now firmly anchored from within.

And as a result, if someone says or does something to you that seems unfair or unkind, you’re now fully capable of addressing it–or them–in a manner most likely to be effective.

At this point, the other person’s once incendiary behaviour won’t throw you so off-balance that you can no longer keep your cool.
Once your fundamentally positive sense of self has crystallised, it’s virtually unassailable.

And so, in trying situations you’re in an
ideal position to explain yourself both tactically and tactfully–and without having to be concerned that your expression (facial or verbal) is likely to make matters worse.

Additionally, responding assertively is in direct opposition to reacting aggressively–which may have been what happened routinely in the past
when your buttons got pushed.

It’s somewhat analogous to being bullied, which is an extreme example of external provocation.

Once you’re able to stand tall in the face of another’s ridicule or derision, you’re practically immune to their provocation and slights.
Nothing your bull-headed opponent might say
can make you feel oppressed or intimidated.

No one can tease you (or, for that matter, torment you), for you’ve now “consolidated” a favourable sense of self-one that’s impervious to anyone who might, sadistically, wish to taunt you.

As idealistic (or far-fetched) as some of what I’m describing might seem, none of it is really outside the bounds of human possibility.

Admittedly, however, developing such psychological immunity hardly comes easy.

It takes considerable self-discipline to
systematically re-visit especially distressing moments in your past that (in certain ways at least) have negatively sensitised you to others.

And, understandably, not that many people are even willing to unearth memories linked to such unpleasant experiences as feeling repudiated, rejected, shamed, or abandoned.

Yet once the adult part of you is able to recognise that you’re essentially a good, decent person, you can mentally return to such past circumstances to purge them of their toxic
residue.

And you hardly need to be some kind of
exceptional human being to summon the
wherewithal to undertake such deeper-level
exploration.

However, if on your own you’re simply unable to accomplish such self-change, I’d strongly advise you to get some professional assistance (it will be well worth it!).

But if you are able to see yourself, for example, as basically competent (though certainly not perfect), acceptable (though, of course, not to
everybody), and trustworthy (despite certain peoples’ entrenched cynicism preventing them from placing much faith in you), then you already have everything you need to return to your past and repair those negatively distorted beliefs you may long have harbored about yourself.

And these beliefs are precisely the ones that re-surface time and again (ad infinitum–or ad nauseum) when you still have buttons altogether susceptible to others’ prodding.

Parts 3 and 4 will describe a very different approach to disarming your buttons: namely, employing certain strategies from a method known as Stress [or, in this case, Anger] Inoculation Training.

Utilizing such techniques will help you to better
prepare–or rehearse–for a variety of challenging interpersonal situations.
_________

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Do you always fly off the handle when someone pushes your “hot buttons”?

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Getting your buttons pushed almost invariably sends you on an unwelcome trip back to your past, to a time when you possessed precious few resources to protect yourself from what, in the moment, felt dangerous.

This involuntary present-to-past phenomenon is something I regularly find myself explaining to my friends who aspire to practice Buddhist meditation as a way of rising above defensiveness and mental agitation , who generally have very little awareness that the buttons they’ve been furtively struggling to control belong not to their present self but to their inner child of the past.

As I like to put it, the adult part of us is reasonable, logical, objective, and controlled.

Not easily does it become agitated or carried away.

Moreover, as mature individuals we’re
able to evaluate a situation realistically–and then respond appropriately (rather than rashly) to it.

Ideally, possessing a hard-earned confidence and sense of adult authority, we can maintain our mental and emotional poise regardless of various kinds of external pressure we’re subject to.

However, when we’ve gotten our buttons pushed– and so are developmentally regressed back into our child self–our grown-up self is, as it were, “missing in action.”

For now our judgment, and the wisdom gained from many years of observation and experience, is pretty much rendered null and void.

In that moment, enslaved by our inner child’s emotions, we can’t possibly reflect on the most effective response to the offending person or event.

For now it’s the child part of us that’s in charge, who’s taken custody of (or pre-empted) our more mature, rational self.

And–as a child confronted by someone or
something perceived as potentially harmful–we’re desperate to nullify that threat as quickly as we can, and with little consideration for the consequences of such impetuous behaviour.

When your buttons get pushed, you react.

Automatically.

After all, that’s what getting your buttons pushed means. Stimulus- response, stimulus-response. . . . Or rather, stimulus-
reaction.

For “response” implies choice; and when
your buttons are being hammered, your counter- behavior is instantaneous–without forethought, deliberation, or (for that matter) discretion.

In such instances, you’re impelled–by a force that’s far stronger, far more primal, than your rational adult mind–to strenuously defend yourself.

Or to attack whoever has (perhaps unwittingly) provoked you.

Or, in a sudden state of urgency, to hastily retreat from the situation altogether.

Your immediate (and typically fervent) behaviour usually reflects some archaic “operating system,” an emotional survival program existing considerably below your conscious mind.

Just as any animal–by nature, exquisitely sensitive to sudden sound or movement–instinctively tenses all its muscles to
prepare for fight, flight, or freeze, so do we humans instantly “adapt” to anything we perceive as threatening.

Except, unlike others animals, when we’ve become hypersensitive to any perceived disagreement, denial, slight, or insult, whatever
provoked us rarely constitutes a serious threat to our survival.

So, frankly, our adaptation isn’t particularly
adaptive.

Governed by overwhelming, un-analyzed emotions, our irresistible impulse is to regain some sense of safety, to reduce our precarious sense of vulnerability.

With our adult brain hijacked, we’re left
in a position where we’re compelled to do something (however imprudent or counter-productive) that will help neutralise the distressful feelings of insecurity that now beset us.

In such a pressured state, there’s no time to contemplate the actual threat of the situation, or our present-day ability to assert some authentic power over it.

For in being re-identified with our child self, there’s little sense that we possess such power.

The only alternative, therefore, is–non-rationally–to act out the emotion that now holds us in its grip.

And just as this sort of un-mediated
reaction probably wasn’t very helpful in the past, when we get our buttons pushed in the here-and- now, our instant reaction rarely enables us to successfully resolve our current impasse.

So, in situations of perceived threat, how do we
contrive to get our adult self back on the scene?

Or better, are there practical ways we can keep our “inner adult” from leaving in the first place–ways to keep that more mature self fully operational, even in situations that previously may have caused it to vanish entirely?

Parts 2, 3, and 4 of this post will attempt to provide practical answers to these questions, so that you can successfully preserve your mental and emotional equilibrium whenever external forces threaten to overwhelm it.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

When a relationship ends without closure

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Moving on after a relationship break-up is hard enough,and much more harder for those who seek definitive closure.

I would love to identify someone who, when a relationship crumbles either gradually or all at once, is able to wipe his/her hands clean and go on about life without any closure.

I dream about the tears, time, and energy it
would save if one didn’t feel the need for closure and if one didn’t agonise about trying to have these heartfelt and “necessary” conversations with the people with whom one had falling outs.

For years, I was shackled to the belief that there must be a formal end to a relationship or role, and until that happens, it’s impossible to move on.

In life, not all relationships continue to flourish.

It’s brave to recognise that and to move on from toxic relationships, or those that don’t contribute to your growth or well-being.

But how does one go about that transition
when formal closure is not always an option?

It’s not weird at all to feel the need for closure.

In fact, I wholeheartedly believe that it’s a necessary part of the relationship cycle.

The more I explore the notion of closure, however, the more I convinced I become that the issue isn’t about closure per se, but rather re-defining what closure is.

When we think of closure, a certain image or idea might come to mind.

Maybe it’s opposing parties sitting down and
talking, crying, laughing, in order to get to a place where everyone involved can accept the end or shift of a relationship.

Maybe it ends with a hug, or maybe it doesn’t.

Maybe it still hurts, but at least accept that it’s the end.

It’s hard to create new beginnings when you are preoccupied with old endings.

Closure is something to meditate on, because
sometimes closure is not found in plain sight.

The more I think about closure, the more
convinced I am that there’s no set formula for it.

It can come in millions of forms.

If you start investigating closure with new eyes, I bet you can achieve some aspects of it that you weren’t even aware of.

Closure isn’t always a grand gesture or
conversation.

Maybe closure is the first time you’re able to set a new boundary, saying “no” when you’re a certified people pleaser.

Maybe it’s being able to finally go through the
belongings of a loved one whose life was taken with little or no notice.

If you’re confused or having trouble subscribing to this idea, let me share my own closure experience with you.

Estrangement always seem so fuzzy.

Was it the end of our relationship, or was it a
hiatus?

I never knew whether I should commit to reviving the relationship or begin the process
of moving on.

Sometimes I wanted it to be final so I could recover from the mental abuse and create a new life where self-loathing was replaced with self-love.

But how could I?

We didn’t have a formal conversation about it.

I didn’t feel okay.

But what was acceptable closure?

For years, I asked myself, “What am I needing
in order to be able to move on?”

Then I got quiet,meditated and listened to the soft voice from my wounded soul.

I realised that I thought I needed to hear someone say sorry, or if she couldn’t do that, for us to be able to sit down and have a rational conversation.

I thought that was the only way I could pick up my broken pieces and live a fulfilling life.

Through years of Buddhist meditation, education, invisible tears in my heart, relying
on my support systems, and intense introspection,I discovered that I was never going to get that.

My estranged mate is mentally incapable of believing she could be even slightly flawed.

She is incapable of giving me what I thought I needed.

Just when I was running out of ways to self-
destruct and I felt myself hitting a new bottom,
I decided that just because my mate couldn’t
help me achieve the type of closure I desired,
that didn’t mean that I couldn’t get there on my
own.

I began the life-long process of retraining my brain, engaging in self-love and self-care, and going within to give myself what I needed when others couldn’t.

I might not have gotten everything I wanted exactly in the way that I had envisioned, but I was able to get myself to a place where I understood and accepted my relationship (or lack thereof) with my
mate.

I was ready to move on and learn to begin a new chapter of my life.

Some days it comes easier than others.

There are times when I want to dwell on how much it sucks that I have to work so hard to feel okay sometimes.

On the tough days, I am learning to go inward. I practice positive self-talk, celebrate how far I’ve come, and remind myself that closure is not just one thing,but a holistic approach to healing from hurt by others.

I remind myself that I have the power to
create all the closure I need if I keep practising and having faith.

If you are a creature of closure, there’s no need to shame yourself or to try to change who you are.

Maybe it’s about learning to become a detective for closure in your everyday life in order to find it in your own way.

The path to closure is rarely an easy or clear-cut one, but I invite you to see closure through a new lens.

As you embark on this journey, remember to be
gentle with yourself.

It’s okay to acknowledge where there is room for improvement, but please do not overlook successes, no matter the size.

Meditate on the idea that you possess the ability to find closure on your own in ways you never
thought possible.

Consider the belief that you could be free.

Bask in the notion that you’re in control.

If you do achieve closure, remember that you’re the one who is responsible for such a feat in your life.

You benefit more by drawing your own closure that waiting for it from someone else who may not be willing to grant your wish!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

True Love is a quiet storm

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True love comes quietly, without
banners or flashing lights.

If you hear bells,
or the sound of approaching marching drums,
get your ears checked.

True love doesn’t run you over,
or smack you on the top of your head.

It is a love that does not die
A love that whispers
A small still voice
Easily ignored.

Forgotten in the rush of infatuation
Remembered,
In the stillness of infatuation’s inevitable
disappointment.

It is a love that aches
A dull pain
As everlasting as the stars
In happiness, easily forgotten
In sorrow, magnified
This love is a gurgling stream
A midsummer night’s breeze
A twinkling star.

Beautiful,
Yet never arresting attention.

Was it the allure of magic?
Or were my senses simply heightened by sheer
boredom,
By the tedious monotony of life?

Around her, I became alive.

Free to be truly myself.

A clumsy, shy guy.

A hopeless poet.

A man with dreams.

She let me confront my fears.

Helped me deal with the demons in my system.

She let me see into the future.

For in three weeks I experienced all that I had lost belief in.

I built my own castle and watched it float on a sea of bliss.

I saw tiny creatures peeking at me from behind
toadstools.

My world lit up. more vivid.

It was an out of body experience.

A trip to the circus.
An eclipse.

A shooting star.

A sunset.

A moment of sure magic.

But a moment after all.

Not designed to last.

For a moment I felt how wonderful it is to be truly myself.

To be around someone who finds the real you
interesting.

To laugh freely.

To talk about your emotions in honesty.

To talk about your aspirations.

To have someone read my poems.

To argue over nonsense.

To critique every purple outfit in sight.

And that to me is the meaning of love.

A love that cannot be scaled on a range of one to ten.

Not disguised in the realm of friendship.

But my moment passed,

And I return to the world,

Where I an the man of a thousand marks.

Where I continuously put no acts to fit in.

Conjuring up roles for each situation.

For each friendship. each relationship.

Yes, true love is like a seed,
you don’t notice when it gets inside of you.

It takes firm root and you,
feel your heart tug a bit,
but you ignore it.

It sprouts a small tree within you and you get scared.

Who after- all wants a tree growing inside them?

That tree grows and grows,

it grows both quicker and slower than you’d
thought possible,
it’s mystifying actually.

Then you reach a point where you realize that, that tree is what’s bringing fresh air to your heart and making it smile all day long.

And after a lot of time arguing with
yourself,
you finally admit that you like this tree and
what it brings,
even if that makes you fell weird.

And you realize that you’re willing to keep nurturing the growth of this tree,
and of course, keep the person
who’s planted this tree within you,
beside you the whole time doing so.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

I am an eternal optimist and here is why optimism will work for you too!

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If you ask me, everything is pretty good and
great these days.

Your life and my life are both going to continue to increase in awesomeness over time.

We are likely to have exceptional fortune and health throughout our days, we’ll help to change some lives for the better, our kids are going to turn out loving and great,and we will die with a broad smile across our rugged and weather-worn faces somewhere around the age of a hundred and twenty two.

Oh sure, there will be the odd problem and
catastrophe along the way, but they will just serve as re-charging jolts to keep us from getting complacent.

More problems to solve, more learning to do, and deeper happiness to attain.

On top of that, the human race is bound for an ever- better fate, ironing out most of its current problems and most of the problems that follow in the future,ending up at a tantalizing Star Trek Utopia.

Those are pretty controversial statements to
make these days, yet strangely enough the
general theme tends to become true, for the few
people who are crazy enough to believe it.

And most of us don’t believe it. In fact, many of us end up going completely the opposite way.

One of the problems with being a clever and analytical person like yourself, is that you’ve become very good at seeing what might go wrong.

You can see the risks inherent in any enterprise, and if you’ve got enough analytical mind in you, you might even be fond of expounding about those risks to anyone around who
will listen.

There are even people make whole careers of this.

Fear-mongering in general tends to make you sound smart, and fearful people get a quirky sort of reassurance by snuggling up to a fearful leader, and confidently predicting the worst possible outcome.

Dmitri Orlov gets lots of attention by continuously foretelling the complete collapse of the United States.

A favourite technique of Collapse theorists is to sit at the news screen, interpreting each development of still further evidence of their theory. “Oh.. now the politicians are arguing.

Sure sign of collapse.

National debt is growing.. collapse.

Oil consumption rising faster than supply.. just as I predicted, it was foretold, it was foretold.

Are You a Personal Collapse Theorist?

The same methods can be applied by a Personal
Collapse Theorist.

“Oh man, this job is stressing me out. My department is going down the gutter, and
we’ll be the first ones on the chopping block when the next round of layoffs comes.

And it will be coming SOON! … And the thing is, in THIS ECONOMY, I need to hold onto my job because there are no other ones out there.

Not in my field, anyway.

All this is really taking a toll on my health.

I’ve got bad knees and back, and they really flare up when I am stressed.

So they are getting worse every day, which
makes me even more stressed, which makes me
even worse at my job, which makes me even more likely to get laid off, which…”

Whew, it hurt my fingers even to type that paragraph above, even though it was all completely made up.

But it hurts because it’s true – some people actually say things like that on a regular basis.

And every time I hear it, I feel like grasping the person’s head between my hands and shaking it while I say, “Wake up, Dude! You’re doing more than just discussing your situation right now.. You’re creating your own reality!”

Let’s contrast the life of the Personal Collapse person to the fate of a really lucky person.

You probably know at least one person that is just so lucky that they annoy you.

The person has a better job than you, always seems to get promotions, has cooler friends, and maybe even a more attractive spouse and a greener lawn.

Some even accuse plain old Mr. Money of being annoying for the same reason, “Oh, enough from you. You retired early and then things seem to keep going well for you. You’re making it all up, or if you’re not, it’s just luck and it can’t be applied to me”.

Fair enough.

We’re all “scientists” here in this game, so we can acknowledge that luck, or the partially random distribution of life situations, does indeed play a part in how a person’s life turns out.

There’s the genetic lottery, where each person gets different abilities directly from their parents, then there is upbringing, family, location, and pure random events supplied by the outside world.

It’s bound to create a very diverse set of
results, right?

But if you’ve ever been to a bar and watched a less-attractive friend have far greater success in attracting mates, or worked in an office where you notice that many of the people in highly paid senior positions are less competent and intelligent than yourself, you know there is something fishy about the theory that luck and birthright alone deliver our fate.

The Secret Weapon of Optimism

And that’s where we get to secret weapon of Optimism that I’ve brought to you today.

I’m hefting a stainless steel case onto the table and undoing the latches for you for you now.

It’s lined with black velvet and as I open it up, both of our faces light up with golden light.

Inside is a very smooth, very polished tool that looks like it was crafted by an advanced alien race.

It is made of gold and silver materials, with a sculpted handle and cobalt blue trigger.

It’s your new Optimism Gun!

But what good is fictional asset like an Optimism Gun when we’re trying to accomplish things here in the real world?

The answer is a Hell of a lot of good,because in this world full of humans, almost all of our “reality” is created in our own heads.

Is money real? No, it’s just a shared understanding among all of us that we agree to store value in non-tangible forms.

What about Gold, that’s more real than money, right?

Nope – offer a pile of gold coins and a nice chunk of meat to a dog, and see which one
he chooses.

Fame, fortune, the respect of others, or a job as
President?

Just chemical patterns stored in the minds of a bunch of other humans.

Even physical problems, like immediately cutting human carbon emissions by 75% to reduce climate change or eliminating poverty in all poor countries, are things that could be solved within months, just by altering patterns in a bunch of human minds.

And as it turns out, the human mind is exactly the target of the Optimism Gun.

But does it really work?

I found my own Gun about 21 years ago and I have certainly found it effective whenever I had the courage to apply it.

It has helped me get an offer for every consultancy job I have ever applied to, earn and save more money than the pessimists assumed possible, have a very nice life, and be generally happy every day, as I’m sure you’ve heard
more than enough.

I also secretly use the Optimism Gun in this blog (in fact, I’m writing this post with the “bluetooth” keyboard that was supplied with the device).

And I’d argue that it is working here too, evidenced by the ridiculous spread of optimism to date (now they’re even thinking of making a big TV show out of it,even though as of now,it’s just a dream!).

Because which is more likely: a software engineer who didn’t even take an English class in university just happens to be the most amazing writer in the world with the most useful financial ideas as well?

Or that the blog just makes people feel good about their lives because it is much more optimistic than other writing on the topic, and this motivates them to try some new things?

Here’s Why Optimism Works

There are several psychological principles at work that make all this work on a practical level:

•Humans are automatically drawn to Leaders:
Most people just want to hang back with the crowd and shy away from pressure of standing out.

As soon as somebody stands on the box and picks up the notes, people start listening.

If you dare to express optimism about anything, you’re stepping onto a little soapbox, and it gets attention.

•People want it to be true: If you’ve become a small- time leader and you deliver the Good Word, people will naturally want to keep listening, because you help them feel good about things too.

•Optimism tricks you into trying more things: If
you believe success is almost guaranteed, you’re
going to try some pretty fun ventures.

In reality, sure,you fail at some things, but what do they always tell us is the best teacher? That’s right, it’s failure.

So you end up racking up much more hard-earned experience and knowledge than the non-optimist.

Then what do you do with all that extra knowledge?

You succeed.

Meanwhile, everyone else is still hesitating to try the first thing.

•You are forced not to focus on things you can’t
control: One of the most useful lessons of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is that you never worry about stuff you cannot control.
You just work on the things you can.

As an example, I never watch the political debates or follow the polls for next month’s presidential election.

That doesn’t help me at all!

Instead, I just read the descriptions of the policies each candidate plans to put into place, evaluate those against my best guess at their long-term effects on the success of the world in general (not just based on my own situation), then decide on my vote long before the election day.

Then I can be optimistic because I’ve had my full say by voting, and I have hundreds of hours freed up to accomplish other things while the pessimists are still watching TV and worrying about the election!

•Acknowledge and Bow Down to the Placebo
Effect: When it comes to health and well-being, the mind controls the body way more than rational people like to admit.

This isn’t just new-age medicine– the very thought of taking medicine that makes people better, has a statistically significant effect on
the outcome of medical tests.

It is so real, that scientists have to adjust for it by giving people fake pills, which make them better, in order to see if the real pills do even more than the fake ones.

I enjoy hacking this fact this to control my own
health.

I have a permanent belief that I am unusually
healthy, and that this condition will persist forever!

Even when I get sick, I look at it as a very temporary anomaly, always assuming I’ll be back to full health by the next day.

It usually proves to be true.

Not only am I overdosing on the placebo effect, but these assumptions lead me to do the deliberate things one would do if one were preparing for a healthy 122- year lifespan as well.

And on top of all this, the optimism is limiting the release of the human stress hormone Cortisol, which tends to destroy health.

The less you worry about health, the healthier you become.

•Optimism is rare, and deadly when combined with competence: If you’re a smart guy or gal at your workplace, the other smart people are expecting you to be pessimistic, just like them.

You can sit at the lunch table, discussing the chronic failures of management or the critically
flawed design of the product you’re all working on.

But once you’ve proven your pessimism/realism chops and are respected by the gang, then you gradually start playing some tricks.

You can slip in ideas like “Well, this project might actually turn out OK… all we have to do is rewrite the action plan.
I’m pretty sure I can do that.”

Your co-workers will be fooled into thinking that they really can do those things, which they wouldn’t have otherwise tried.

As noted in point #3, these things occasionally work, and as you hone your skills at tricking people into succeeding,you find yourself increasingly being sought after for CEO positions.

So there you have it, from the perspective of both the eternal optimist and eternal believer in the power of optimism.

This stuff really works on other people and on ourselves, and it’s the source of most of the “luck” we experience in our lifetimes.

So the only remaining barrier is: are you daring
enough to begin this journey by turning the
Optimism Gun on Yourself?

Shoot a dose of optimism into your life,and then let me know what happens!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

How successful people handle toxic people

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“Save your skin from the corrosive acids from the mouths of toxic people. Someone who just helped you to speak evil about another person can later help another person to speak evil about you.”
~Israelmore Ayivor

Toxic people defy logic.

Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons.

Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and worst of all stress for you.

Studies have long shown that stress can have a
lasting, negative impact on the brain.

Stress is a formidable threat to your success—when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.

Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome, or just plain craziness, toxic people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.

The ability to manage your emotions and
remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance.

Top performers in any field,including relationships, are skilled at managing
their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control.

One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralise toxic people.

Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep toxic people at bay.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that successful people employ when dealing with toxic people, what follows are twelve of the best.

To deal with toxic people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t.

The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

•They Set Limits (Especially with Complainers)

Complainers and negative people are bad news
because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions.

They want people to join their Self-pity party so that they can feel better about themselves.

People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and
distancing yourself when necessary.

Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke?

You’d distance yourself, and you should do
the same with complainers.

A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem.

They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

•They Don’t Die in the Fight that is not meant to be theirs

Successful people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual.

In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged.

When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

•They Rise Above

Toxic people drive you crazy because their
behavior is so irrational.

Make no mistake about it;their behavior truly goes against reason.

Which begs the question, why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix?

The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps.

Quit trying to beat them at their own
game.

Distance yourself from them emotionally
and approach your interactions like they’re a
science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy).

You don’t need to respond to their emotional chaos—only the facts.

•They Stay Aware of Their Emotions

Maintaining an emotional distance requires
awareness.

You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognise when it’s
happening.

Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose
the best way forward.

This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way—if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s Nelson Mandela, you’re unlikely to set him straight.

When you find yourself with a friend or acquaintance who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod.

If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

•They Establish Boundaries

This is the area where most people tend to sell
themselves short.

They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos.
This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a
person, you’ll begin to find their behaviour more predictable and easier to understand.

This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t.

For example, even if you work with someone
closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that
you need to have the same level of one-on-one
interaction with them that you have with other
team members.

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and pro-actively.

If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations.

If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos.

The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

•They Won’t Let Anyone Limit Their Joy

When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from the opinions of other people, you are no longer the master of your own happiness.

When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something that they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or snide remarks take that away from them.

While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, you don’t have to
compare yourself to others, and you can always
take people’s opinions with a grain of salt.

That way, no matter what toxic people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from within.

Regardless of what people think of you at any
particular moment, one thing is certain—you’re
never as good or bad as they say you are.

•They Don’t Focus on Problems—Only Solutions

Where you focus your attention determines your
emotional state.

When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress.

When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive
emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how
crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you.

Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re
going to go about handling them.

This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

•They Don’t Forget

Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget.

Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on.

It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance.

Successful people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

•They Squash Negative Self-Talk

Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other
people.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-
talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it.

Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating.

It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of.

You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.

•They Limit Their stimulant and mood elevator Intake

For example,drinking caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline.

Adrenaline is the source of the “fight-or-flight”
response, a survival mechanism that forces you to stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat.

The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in favour of a faster response.

This is great when a lion is chasing you,but not so great when you’re surprised in the
hallway by an angry co-worker.

•They Get Some Sleep

I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and
can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and
managing your stress levels.

When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, shuffling through the day’s memories and storing or discarding them (which causes dreams), so that you wake up alert and
clear-headed.

Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep.

Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present.

A good night’s sleep makes you more positive,
creative, and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.

•They Use Their Support System

It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt
tackling everything by yourself.

To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them.

This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person.

Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the best from
a difficult situation.

Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it.

Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective.

Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

¤Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly,
you’re going to have to pass some tests.

Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people.

Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail.

Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving
techniques for dealing with difficult people will
train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.

I always love to hear new strategies for dealing with toxic people, so please feel free to share yours in the comments section below!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A night of beautiful dreams

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Let my life be merry again,
The way it used to be,
This is my dream;

I am a farmer, bonded to toils of the soil.
I am a worker sold to the labour of my hands.
I am a slave to servitude , servant to you all.
I am a poor man, humble, hungry,& mean—
Hungry yet today again,
despite my dream.

Beaten to the ground,I still hold onto my dream
I am the man who never got ahead,
The poorest man bartered through the years.

BUT–

To fling my arms wide
In some place of the sun,
To whirl and to dance to the sweet tunes, playing in my mind
Till the heat of the day is done,
Then rest at cool evening,
Beneath a tall tree
While night comes on gently,
Dark like me—
That is my dream!

To fling my arms wide
In the face of the sun,
Dance! Whirl! Whirl!
Till the quick hot day is done.
Rest at pale evening . . .
Beneath a tall, slim tree . . .
Night coming on tenderly
Black like me.
That is my dream.

I will hold on fast to my dreams,
For if my dreams die,
My life will be a broken-winged bird,
That cannot fly.

I will hold on fast to my dreams,
For when dreams go,
Life is a barren field,
Battered to the ground,
By the hot noon sun of the day.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

I feel truly blessed to live in this beautiful place

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Right now outside my window the
leaves are beginning to change colours.

This is a paradise lost in the glory of nature

It often feels like Heaven here.

The radiant reds are glowing in the sun.

The peaceful yellows are rustling in the breeze.

The brilliant burgundy’s and outrageous oranges are making entire trees as bright as flowers.

Even the fallen leaves are turning the paths into multicoloured, crunchy carpets that are a
delight to walk on.

I can hear children laughing and see
adults smiling as they stroll through these leaves and enjoy the wonderful scent of them in
the air.

Everywhere I look I can see Nature’s colours
painting the trees and mountains with beauty.

If it isn’t Heaven here then it certainly is close.

It isn’t just the mountains that make it Heavenly here either.

I can see bits of Heaven in so many of the people too.

There is a kindness in their smiles.

There is a gentleness in their voices.

There is a goodness in their actions.

There is a patience in their manner.

There is a peace in their souls.

There is a love in their hearts.

And there is a joy in their lives.

Everyday they grow a little more in oneness with Nature.

Everyday they bring a little more Heaven into this world.

I feel truly blessed to live in such
a beautiful place with such good people.

My country home, however, isn’t the only place that can be Almost Heaven.

Any place on Earth can be Almost Heaven if we take our Heaven with us.

How much Heaven is within you?

No matter how much you said, take heart in
knowing that it can always be more.

God gives us that choice every single
day.

Everyday we can choose to love more, give more, care more, and help more.

Everyday we can choose to bring the joy of
Heaven into our hearts and souls and then share it with the world.

Everyday we can live in Almost Heaven while still here on Earth.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Let your life be the catalyst in which the lives of others are changed for the better

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It is important that we brighten the path that we walk upon so that it is illuminated for those who walk behind us and beside us.

Brightening our path means that we do our absolute best to encourage those who are
discouraged, to inspire those who are stagnant and unmoved and simply do our best to be a beacon of hope and love that people are
drawn to and motivated to emulate.

We who follow the example of the Lord Jesus Christ who condemned none and forgave and loved all should extend that same love towards our fellow man.

Let us take hold of the reins and be the initiators of good works.

Let us love the unlovable, let us forgive the unforgivable and let us reconcile with those that have been distant from us.

Mending relationships not only blesses the recipient, but our life becomes elevated as well.

Being a world changer starts by impacting those closest to us first and then when they do the same for their neighbor, the ripple effects will continue on longer than we could ever think or imagine.

No matter what you may be going through and no matter how tough the trials in your path seem to be, I encourage you to be that beacon of hope, love, forgiveness and reconciliation.

Let your life be the catalyst in which
the lives of others are changed for the better forever.

Use the gifts within your heart to draw all people back to the One who has given us the
ability to be His ambassadors on this earth.

I wholeheartedly believe that a life well lived is a life lived in service to others.

Let us be our brother’s keeper and do all that
we can to leave a long and lasting legacy of good works towards our fellow man.

That is a life that we can be proud to have lived.

I hope this message inspires and challenges your heart to be that beacon of hope and love that others are drawn to and made better because of.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Of all the cute butterflies that chose to stay, I’m in love with the one that got away

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Perhaps you know someone whose heart clutches onto the bittersweet memory of the one who got away.

Someone who secretly bears the weight of this
imperceptible burden wherever he or she goes, every day of his or her life.

Someone who’d gladly travel back in time to a day when paths diverged,to mend together that which has been torn apart,setting destiny back on its rightful track — if only he or she could.

Perhaps you know this someone better than you think.

And should this someone happen to be you, may you find strength and support in the
millions of others who shoulder this burden with you, and may you be reintroduced one day to true love…in this lifetime and whatever comes after,to the one that got away.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Life beyond bitterness

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I used to love a girl who was very beautiful and outgoing.

As I came to know her more,I realised that beyond that beautiful and pleasant facade,she was a very bitter woman.

I don’t know what her past lovers had done to her,but most of our discussions,the ones she initiated were almost always about some form of bitterness or the other.

She was just a beautiful shell full of rankling bitterness.

I just couldn’t cope with her bitter perspective of life,especially her bitterness about men in general.

It made me fear for my life in her presence.

All that bitterness could trigger her to do harm to her perceived culprits,or any man for that matter.

Of all the barriers that discourage committing to a new lover, the wall of bitterness is the most deadly.

There is no greater warning sign to a potential
relationship than cynicism about the past.

Those black clouds signal the presence of a failure-demon, who lies in wait for the first time you do not meet his or her expectations.

Bitter, cynical, pessimistic people often attract
“cheerleaders” who are determined to bring light into their darkness.

These ever-hopeful “happiness makers” are somehow confident that they will be ones who can make the difference.

If only they hang in there and keep those positive behaviours coming, maybe their partners can find true love in the ruins of their multiple failures.

If you have tried to love bitter people, you are well acquainted with their legitimate reasons for their ongoing suffering.

Your chronically unhappy lovers may have become attached to the cynical character
they have become.

If so, you may have been daunted,trying desperately in vain to save them from
themselves.

More than likely, the harder you tried to love them, the more strongly they held on to their unhappiness.

You may have been determined to love them, but
eventually got tired of carrying those cheerleading pom-poms.

Sadly, when you finally did give up, your
cynical partners have added one more reason to
their expectations of relationship failures.

To recognize a resolutely bitter person early on,
listen for statements like these:
“I don’t really expect much out of relationships
anymore. They seem to start out okay, but eventually something always happens to trip them up. Haven’t you found the same disappointments?”

“Let’s face it, when the hot sex quiets down, your partner is bound to be unhappy with you.
They always start out supportive, but eventually find fault when you don’t live up to all their expectations.”

“I don’t think people are really meant to be together for a long time. The bad stuff adds up, and the good stuff can’t compete. I don’t know one great relationship that makes it through the rapids. Mine certainly haven’t, and I don’t expect them to anymore.”

If you are attracted to these tragically sorrowful
people and are just naturally compassionate, you may be tempted to try to help them, especially if they have other attractive qualities.

Be especially careful if that person tells you that you’re different from all their past lovers, even possibly the one person who could understand them.

If you believe that story,know that it will be a zero tolerance test.

Your partner has been disappointed many times in the past, and is hoping against hope that your love will overcome their fears.

If you question their repeatedly returning
to their cynical viewpoint, they may accuse you of no longer caring, just like everyone before you.

How is Bitterness Created?

No one is born bitter.

It is a learned attitude, most often from pessimistic, cynical, or hopeless caregivers.

Sadly, small children are the most affected by consistent negative messages like these:
“Don’t count on anything and you won’t be
disappointed.”

“No one deserves anything good. Maybe you’ll be lucky and maybe you won’t.”

“No one is really happy. Don’t even think about it.”

“Happiness doesn’t last. There is always going to be something bad in your life.”

“Life is hard. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Why should you be any luckier?”

“Why do you think you deserve love? It’s not
automatic, you know, and more likely to go away than stick around.”

Hope is a natural way to envision a future that is better than the present.

Despair diminishes hope, and instead sees a life of continued suffering.

Every person needs to know that they have some control over that process.

The absence of possibility can cause despondency, defeat, and hopelessness.

If children are instead given messages that hope is always possible, they can reach beyond
disappointments and seek fulfilment even when their lives are hard.

Some people are more internally resilient than
others.

Despite having more heartaches than most,
they can still maintain hope.

But most are not so fortunate.

The continuous crushing of dreams, or a
lifetime of repeated failures, can push anyone down.

When people experience loss after loss, they may unconsciously create behaviour patterns that sabotage new options.

The natural result of too many broken
dreams or unfulfilled expectations is a lessened
willingness to try again.

They now see successful love relationships as an impossible realization.

Different Kinds of Bitterness

Bitterness can be expressed in many ways, but the following five are the most common.

Unfortunately, they are not mutually exclusive.

Ø Bitterness handed down trans-generationally

Ø Bitterness from depression or other organic
causes

Ø Bitterness from broken promises and lost dreams

Ø Bitterness that results from unrealistic
expectations

Ø Bitterness from trauma, neglect, or abuse

Trans-generational Bitterness

Pessimistic attitudes can be passed down through generations, even when the original reasons for cynicism no longer exist.

Unfair discrimination, blocked access to new ways of life, or attachment to restrictive traditions, can keep families from believing that change is a viable option.

They feel that keeping their children hardened to vulnerability and low in expectations will protect them from unpredictable pain.

They toughen their family members early, never allowing them to hope or dream beyond what is readily available.

If any of their children aspire beyond those limitations, or attach themselves to optimistic outsiders, those children may be threatened with punishment or exile.

Some cultures treasure their cynicism as part of their lore.

They feel that passion and loss are one, and that despondency is part of life.

You will find bitterness and cynicism hard to release if it has always been a part of your culture.

That will be especially true if you have chosen a partner who does not have the same background.

Depression or other Organic Causes

A genetic predisposition to depression can make the most hopeful of situations appear bleak and
untrustworthy.

Unlike grief, which has a specific loss
to endure and permits hope, clinical depression feels more like an open-ended prison sentence without chance of parole.

Sleep eludes, appetite wobbles,self-esteem is non-existent, and energy for life wanes.

Those suffering from depression may have
difficulties managing sleep and appetite, have no energy for life, and feel inadequate and undeserving.

For them, life becomes a continuous ground hog day of limited and unsatisfying experiences.

They can feel hopeful at the beginning of a
relationship because new experiences create brain chemicals that offset depression for a while.

With positive qualities to offer, they can attract rescuers who can temporarily undo their negative attitude.

Eventually the depression will re-emerge, making them likely to defeat their partner and end up alone again.

Cynicism that results from innate depression
can be treated.

Once the depression abates, they must then challenge the habits they believed were
intractable.

Genetic abnormalities that lower serotonin and
dopamine levels are sometimes the basis for
depression.

Chronic illness also can cheat people of
life’s beauty.

It may destroy hope, and cause heartbreaking results, such as lost relationships,
financial ruin, or physical incapacities.

Some people find ways to rise above these unwarranted trials, and still create new options for whatever is still possible.

Others find solace in their legitimate reasons for
hopelessness, and cannot change their expectations.

Depressed people can always be helped by a loving and concerned support network but, unless they are willing to receive that assistance, even well-intended friends and lovers will eventually give up.

Broken Promises and Lost Dreams

In every stage of life, many people weave their
experiences into their dream of an ideal romantic relationship.

Children absorb from their parents and
other adults.

Young people join social networks, text
continuously, watch TV, attend movies and concerts, and create the person they feel they might be able to love forever.

Throughout all of their lives, people seek to find that perfect person, that ever-lasting love.

Whether from unrealistic expectations, bad luck, or choosing the wrong people, all relationship seekers come up against unanticipated barriers.

With each new disappointment, they can either store up anger,hurt, and disillusionment, or they can learn from their mistakes and try again.

Over time, repeatedly choosing the negative option can result in cynicism.

Cynical people often end up pushing away the very people they want to be loved by.

With those repeated failures, they may start to believe that they will never have a long-term, loving relationship.

If they can understand that their cynicism is learned, they can faith that they can learn a new way.

Past Failures from Unrealistic Expectations

Most people do everything they can to make their relationships work, but can’t seem to find the right person, do the right thing, or avoid unforeseeable problems.

They may not be aware that they are repeating sabotaging patterns, or choosing partners
similar to those who have hurt them.

As children, they may have been taught unrealistic expectations and to overlook good potential partners.

As adults, they may not have accurately assessed their social marketability.

Alternatively, they may have unconscious barriers to learning successful relationship behaviors.

If they continue to have these unrealistic expectations, they may repeatedly fall in love with people who are disinterested and will not reciprocate their desires.

Whatever the reasons, their mounting losses begin to discourage and disillusion them.

Their expectation of failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and they begin each new relationship with a pre-defeated attitude, creating the same patterns that didn’t work
before.

Most partners try to lead with their best selves and then slowly reveal the parts of them that may not be as desirable.

Counting on fake image that they have created, they hope that the relationship will survive.

Long-term relationships require new skills and cannot continue if they are not mastered. If people continue to repeat old patterns that have not worked in the past, they will be continually disappointed.

Trauma and Abuse

This is the hardest of all categories because trauma victims have much reason to be bitter, often long before they begin to search for an adult relationship.

They may have suffered at the hands of those who were supposed to protect them, and then found themselves in adult relationships with no choice but to endure unfair and punitive pain.

By the time they understand that they deserve better treatment, they are hyper-sensitive to the slightest indications that abuse may occur again.

Early trauma can teach a child that relationships are supposed to include abuse or neglect.

Their adult attitudes of pessimism, discouragement,disillusionment, and disbelief are protective barriers to keep pain away.

Unfortunately, when they connect with a new abuser, those early memories can feel
familiar. Abuse victims may find themselves
unconsciously pulled towards what they know, even if it hurts them.

Once in damaging relationships, they may not even recognize the abuse or neglect,
tolerating more than they should.

Or, on the contrary, they may see abuse or neglect even where it is not occurring, or at a much higher level of intensity than some others would feel.

Their anticipation of being hurt can emerge as a low frustration tolerance, and they may overreact with hostility, sarcasm, and distancing of their own, driving love away before it stands a chance.

Is it Possible to Leave Bitterness Behind?

Bitterness hurts, emotionally, spiritually, and
physically.

People appear to hold on to it to protect
themselves from more pain.

It does shield them from more hurt, but also from love as well.

Cynical relationship seekers, bitter from the heartbreaks of the past, may not allow for a new and dangerous future.

That engulfing sorrow holds open a painful
wound of disappointed memories, even when the lovers who caused them are long gone.

Yes, people can leave bitterness behind.

To do so,these wounded people must process the causes of their despair, hopelessness, cynicism, and pessimism.

Here is what they need to do to regain hope for a better outcome in the future:

1. Prepare a thorough and realistic assessment of what they have endured.

2. Be willing to face how past partners have hurt them and where they, themselves, may have contributed to holding on to their bitterness.

3. Examine the lessons learned, vow not to repeat them, and formulate how to act differently in the future.

4. Know what they are able to change, and where they will need allies in their healing to accept their broken places.

5. Using all of the above, re-program their emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual selves to be able to face the future with renewed confidence.

Here is an example:

Clara’s Story

Clara grew up in a broken home.

Her parents, both alcoholics, were rarely home.

She was a Cinderella child, made to do most of the household maintenance, and given no encouragement to develop her talents or to encourage her dreams.

She was expected to take care of her two younger brothers in her parent’s absence, often without adequate food or clothing available.

Her only option was to beg the neighbors to share some of their groceries.

She missed school on a regular basis
because there was no one to take care of the boys and there were no other possible arrangements.

Her grandparents told her she shouldn’t expect more because her parents were “doing the best they could.”

When she asked for help, they shrugged and
said they didn’t have any money.

She would have to make things happen for herself, just as they had to.

Her father and mother kept telling her that someday she could have all the things she wanted, but those promises were never kept as the money for them went to beer and unpaid obligations.

Her teachers encouraged her to keep trying because she was “so gifted,” though they had little extra time or supplies to give.

They reassured her that there would be
people someday to help her, but those hopes never came true.

She started working as early as she could
lie about her age, and dreamed alone about the
Prince Charming who would for certain come when it was finally her time.

At seventeen, she met Ted.

He saw the beauty in her spirit and wanted to save her from her pain and suffering.

They married in two months.

Her parents seemed glad that she would no longer be their burden.

The younger boys were taking care of
themselves, and it was one less mouth to feed.

She believed that Ted truly loved her and that her prayers were answered.

They were soul mates and destined to be together forever.

She was filled with a hope she had only been able to fantasize before.

Eighteen months after they were married, he left for Sierra Leone on a peace keeping mission.

She never saw him again.

Broken and frightened, she used Ted’s military
death benefits to go to school.

Used to heavy demands, she was able to work nights and go to school during the day.

She missed Ted desperately,and was willing to accept anyone who would offer her solace.

Within a year, she fell in love with a married professor who assured her that he had
separated permanently from his wife, and would be with her in only a few months.

When she became pregnant, he handed her an
envelope filled with money and told her to take care of it.

He was not present at the abortion, and afterwards announced that he and his wife had
reconciled.

He ended the relationship and told her to
not contact him again.

Living alone, Clarissa finished her undergraduate and graduate studies before her twenty-ninth birthday.

Her mother and father had both died, and her
brothers had disappeared from her life.

She had only few friends, and no time to find more.

Her well-paying job gave her a financially secure life, but she felt deeply that love was something she would never know again.

Her only relationships were the people she saw in church each week, and she carefully
avoided deepening any of those connections.

At thirty, she was informed that her youngest brother had been killed in the war.

In a grief that she could no longer suppress, Clarissa could no longer hold back her grief for the multitudes of losses she had endured.

She fell into a deep depression and felt that
her life no longer had purpose or reason.

Her childhood fears had become a lifetime reality and she could not see her way out of the darkness.

When she did not come to church, her pastor was worried.

He came to her home and found her alone
in the dark, sobbing uncontrollably.

Clara could not keep up her façade anymore and poured her heart out to him.

They spoke late into the night.

He reminded her of how she had sustained hope as a child with no support, and that she could call upon that strength again.

He suggested she get some help.

I had the privilege of being the person she came to see,having been her teacher during her days after Ted’s death.

This was how Clarissa re-created herself:

Accurately assessing what she had endured:
Clarissa did a thorough evaluation of where her
broken dreams began and how she held on to those negative beliefs as her disappointments mounted.

She saw how her both grandparents and parents had given up their own dreams, escaped into limited lives, and had no resources to either help her or them.

She also realized that she had not allowed
herself to grieve Ted’s death because it was
unbearable.

Unable to see herself realistically any more, she consistently minimized her accomplishments and focused on her sadness.

Be willing to face how others had hurt her, and
where she may have contributed:

Clara had taken responsibility for all of the failures in her life, whether they were her fault or someone else’s.

She had continuously tried to make excuses
when others couldn’t be there for her, and had never realised that the people she chose after Ted’s death were as unreliable and irresponsible and those she had grown up with.

Her belief that she must always be strong had attracted men who felt entitled to be catered to, but had no need to reciprocate.

What She Learned:

Clara had to realize that she must no longer only accommodate the expectations of others.

She had never known that she could write her own rules for happiness, and that anyone who loved her would want to know what they were.

She began assessing her strengths, what she had to offer, and the kind of man who would deserve her gifts.

The Personal Changes She Needed to Make:

Clara began to look at her bitterness as a natural response to her many losses, but not a response she had to maintain.

Speaking from her heart and her new confidence, she presented herself as someone
who had a right to the love she sought.

She also saw that the few intimate relationships she’d had since Ted’s death had been with men who had exploited her,leaving her more cynical.
She was now learning how to recognize the traits she was looking for, and to discern when they were not there.

She had to master a whole new set of expectations of herself and others.

Knowing what was possible for her:

Clara looked deeply at what she really wanted and what she had to offer in return.

She wrote a sincere and authentic profile of herself for her future date.

She now knew what to ask for, and that she could not expect a new relationship to heal or justify her past.

The heartaches she had legitimately endured no longer could predict her future.

Though she never got to have any children of her own, Clara did find a deep and meaningful relationship with a man who had also suffered multiple losses.

He too had struggled with limited options based upon his lack of awareness.

They dedicated their lives to helping
disadvantaged children to avoid the multiple
disappointments that bitterness thrives upon.

Instead of “If there has been only sorrow, there will only be more sorrow,” Clara wrote her new
expectations of her future in her personal journal that she has shared some excerpts with me:

“Bitterness’s ally is continuing disappointment. I now know that disappointments come from improbable expectations. I cannot avoid them all, but I’m so much more aware of how to predict them now. I’m pretty good at understand what is possible and what is not. I may be sad that I can’t always have what I want, but I don’t expect what I can’t have, and I love
what I can make happen now. I didn’t know that there was so much more I could do to make my dreams come true, or how I would have to see the world differently. I can feel truly sad for the person in me who suffered so much, but she has an advocate now. That person is me.”

Not all people have the heart, commitment,
discipline, and spirit, to turn their lives around as Clara did.

But everyone can change what they have
believed as their only truth into something they have not yet experienced.

If they learn the tools to honestly self-evaluate, face their own accountability, learn from past mistakes, and change the way they search for and enter new relationships, their options
to end their bitterness will increase.

There is an antidote for the bitterness that poisons love;

It is the re-commitment to believing that understanding and the determination to change can triumph over loss.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you

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I love you because the entire universe
conspired to help me find you

And now, the sound of your laughter is the kind of music I want to spend my whole life listening to

I raised my eyes to see who was passing
by my window, and that casual glance was the
beginning of a hurricane of love that still has not ended half a century later.

You were more than human to me.

You are a Fairy, a Sylph, I don’t know you are,
anything that no one ever saw, and everything that everybody ever wanted.

I was swallowed up in an abyss of love in an instant.

There was no pausing on the brink; no looking down, or looking back; I was gone, headlong, before I had sense to say a word to you.

I was about half in love with you by the time we
sat down on my lobby.

That’s the thing about decent girls.

Every time they do something pretty…you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.

I felt now that I was not simply close to her,
but that I did not know where my body ended and she began.

I must have wished for you so hard and so often you had no choice but to come true in my life.

But now, you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.

I want everyone to meet you.

You’re my favourite person of all time.

I don’t care how hard being together is, nothing
is worse than being apart.

Do I love you?

My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches.

You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I
love, I love, I love you.

I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

I am nothing special; just a common man with
common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life.

There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten.

But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this will always be enough.

The smell of you hair, the taste of your mouth, the feeling of you skin seem to have got inside of me,and into the air all round us.

You have become my physical necessity.

You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest and most
beautiful person I have ever known – and even
that is an understatement.

I want to fill every part of you, breathe the air
from your lungs and leave my handprints on your soul.

I want to give you more pleasure than you
can bear.

I want to do with you what rain does with the
Roses;bring you into full bloom of being a woman!

When I found you, Love, it rained where there was a drought in my soul, it shined where it should snow, the earth shook where it’s never moved, mountains rose on the flattest plains, stars fell all around us, but the world won’t notice a thing.

Because when you found me, Love, the past and present. ceased to exist and we fell into a moment that will last forever.

When I first saw her by my window,I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the
couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep.

Not even to make love.

Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of
the phrase.

But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating.

So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.”

But in the end,it is me she chose to share all the rest of her life with,and for that,I’m forever blessed!

So, I love you because the entire universe
conspired to help me find you,through my window,during one of my lowest moments in my life!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Living in the present moment is time well-spent

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“The only pressure I’m under is the pressure
I’ve put on myself.” ~Mark Messier

Do you feel that you are living your life under pressure?

That’s awful!

You can do something about it.

Instead of living under pressure,you can choose to live in the PRESENT MOMENT.

That makes a lot of difference.

My Buddhist meditation practice helps me live the present moment.

At this present moment,I’m under no pressure,except the pressure I place upon myself!

Let me explain.

Time in the Present is Well Spent

Certainly you have experienced being in the
present—those moments when time and space
melt into this blissful moment.

Presence makes the most mundane spiritual.

Clarity prevails as deadlines inspire, rather than oppress you.

Presence with peace offers you higher
energy than usual but with nowhere to go and
nothing to do.

Presence surrounds you with resources when you need them most.

Tap into your presence under pressure!

You can do it, and these three keys will help.

1st Key: Embrace Perfection
Your life requires no improvement. In fact, the
most ecological way to embrace change is to
experience this moment as perfect just the way it is.

You just stubbed your toe ‘perfectly’.

Your boss just yelled at you ‘beautifully’.

Embrace, love, and flow with the perfection your life continually offers.

Celebrate everything that is.

You are surrounded by the perfect present.

2nd: Seek Your Own Approval

Good deeds can be their own reward.

Help the frail widow across the street and remember that you aren’t doing it for her.

You’re doing it for you.

You have your own values.

Trying to impress others or seeking their approval instead of your own can cause you to neglect yourself.

Take care of yourself and do what’s important to you.

You will naturally take care of others this way.

Be a model for a happy, well-balanced life.

Do the most wonderful, charitable things in the
world.

Do them for yourself.

Do them because they make you happy.

This can be particularly challenging if you have kids, a spouse, friends, or a mother.

Fix your tea.

Help with the kids’ homework but do it for capital “M” Me.

Hold the baby on your knee for the sheer pleasure of it.

When you do everything for you, you are really
taking care of everyone.

Some years back, I volunteered at a Catholic church organised Health Camp, a
beautiful camp for handicapped kids.

I met Trudy, who was nine years old.

He was using crutches and fell over, hitting the floor hard.

As I bent to help him up, my friend Joe grabbed my elbow stopping me.
With great effort and pride Trudy was able to right himself and stand again.

Joe later explained to me that Trudy’s disease was debilitating, and that he was cherishing his last days without a wheel chair.

It didn’t matter that he fell over because he had
been standing.

Tears came easily as I felt grateful for every step I take. I still do.

Impress yourself.

You are your own toughest audience.

You have the lead role in your life.

Play it up,if only to make yourself feel good to go!

3rd Key: Question Obligations

There is nothing that you need to do and nothing you “should” do.

However, there are plenty of things you act as if you “should” do.

Being forced, even by yourself to do anything turns what might be fun into a chore.

When I was little I loved to play the church piano.

I would spend at least an hour a day just goofing around on the piano, learning how notes fit together and creating simple tunes.

My well-meaning musician priests were inspired— so much so they brought in a piano teacher, Sister Gracia who thought I “should” work at the piano cured me of wanting to play it.

When it became something that I “should” do every evening instead of just fiddling with piano keys,I quit. It was no longer some “fun”.

You won’t be hearing me or Sister Gracia playing at Carnegie Hall.

Later I took up the drums.

When I was ready I asked my priests if I could take lessons.

We found a catechist teacher and I practiced almost constantly.

Having a wonderful time, to this day I can hand drum with the best of them.

Relax. Take a breath. Notice what you are doing.

Ask yourself if the pressure is justified.

You’ll quickly find that many of the sources of pressure in your life are not as real as they seem.

Do what you do.

Don’t do what you don’t do.

But always celebrate what you do no matter what it is.

Test your presence by doing stuff.

Zen it just for the fun of it.

Your Neighbor

Your neighbor’s lawn may be better groomed than yours.

His kids may be smarter and spouse hotter.

Who are you kidding?

Comparisons set out to prove a point; the point is that you are either better or worse than someone else.
My Foster Mother in my catholic parish used to say “Comparison’s are odious.”

I don’t know what odious means, but I do know anytime you compare yourself to someone else you are bound to suffer.

Be present to how your lawn is, how your kids are, how your spouse is, and how you are.

If a beautiful moment or beautiful life could be represented by a beautiful lawn, spirituality would be landscaping, not the mysterious wonderment that it is.

From the wonderment of this moment, step into
the mystery of the next.

Plant a few weeds, pull a few weeds—what’s the difference?

A weed is a plant where it shouldn’t be.

A Bird of Paradise in the middle of your lawn is a beautiful weed.

So is a dandelion.

Dance with Passion

“Follow your bliss.” said Joseph Campbell.

Notice what you love.

Notice what you don’t love.

Surround yourself with equal measures of both, and you will discover that love comes and goes but presence is always there within you.

Presence focused gives birth to passion.

Passion for this, that, and the other.

Passion for everything in particular.

Passion for your foot, the callus on your big toe, your ankle bone and your calves.

You will begin to notice passion everywhere; meet it, great it and embrace it as you fall in love constantly.

Presence under pressure is especially fun.

Sitting silently in a cave is one thing.

Living present in the world is quite another.

You can do it.

Use the three keys above to open yourself to the perfection of presence anywhere, anytime, everywhere all the time.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My date with a prostitute

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It is long ago since I last paid a visit to a brothel.

Oops! I’m sure my readers are not going to like the foolish things I’m going to put down on this post.

My dear readers,reserve your judgement about my morals,till the end of this post,otherwise you will be mistaken to label me a ‘pervert’.

But Daisy,my partner egged me on to visit a brothel.

I had just related to her how I lost my cherry to a mature prostitute during my high school days.

I thought she was going to be pissed by that whole account of abominable things I did during my teenage years,but instead,it got her very excited,and in her devious mind,she schemed a plot to have me enact that memorable experience.

“Sadly, you have become what
you write in your random journal nowadays,” she egged on, “and one day, when this middle-class skin has grown old, you will be left
un-reinvented and stewing in your own reservoir of inoperable words.”

I asked her, “are you here to knock my head
against a wall or is this going anywhere other
than badly?”

“Get out of that shell, Ben,I think you were more exciting when you were young.”

“By doing what?”I asked her,quite astonished.

“Leave what you know. Go to the unknown,” Daisy replies casually.

“Unknown? Like where this conversation is
headed?” I ask.

“Close. Why don’t you one day show that you
have the cajones to write about something
challenging?” Daisy implores.

“I actually like that.”I add cynically.

“What, the idea?”

“No, cajones. People don’t use that word
enough.”

Stony silence.

“OK, fine. What do you want me to write about
that you imagine will get me out of my comfort
zone?” I inquired.

“Write about Sabina Joy,that place where you lost your cherry to a prostitute.” Sometimes,I think Daisy,my girlfriend is a bit crazy.

“But that was so long ago,I can’t even remember how the places looks like from inside,I don’t have the feel of the place anymore!”,I protested.

“I will help you refresh your “memories” about ‘Sabina Joy’,just leave the whole plot to me”,Daisy added in her small voice,the voice of a conjurer,a schemer-that’s my Daisy.

Enter stage left,Gathura,my bossom friend.

He hails from Kerugoya Town and attended Kaitheri Primary School.

By the way when some Kikuyus tell you a name of a school they attended you always imagine they are pulling your leg because the names sound like a traditional herb: Riamukurwe Sec School, Ithekahuno Sec School, Gathuki Mundu Pri School (meaning: shake up a guy), Kianguenyi Second School, Kangubiri Sec School, Kiangoma Sec. School (meaning: the devil’s), Muthuani Second School…It goes on and on like a horror movie credit.

You meet someone who attended one of these
schools and you want to reach out and hug them.

Hug them and tell them, “it’s all right, you are
here now, you are here, that’s all that matters,and please forget about those awful names of your former high schools.”

I met Gathura in 2012 during some KTB(Kenya Tourist Board) loyalty trip where we scored the country from Laikipia to Tsavo.

Fun times.

On our last stop at Shompole Lodge (now defunct), a top-of-the-range resort clinging on the edge of Nguruman escarpment and charging about 50K per person per night for
a view and a bed, we shared a large condo which had two monstrous four post beds, a private pool, no windows or walls facing the escarpment and a view so stunning it looked like a prank.

Anyway, this morning I stir awake because the
room is suddenly awash with orange as the sun
is rising.

From my bed I could see the sunrise without leaving it and as I lie there half-asleep, I
see Gathura walking across the room, heading to the loo. He’s naked. Buck-naked. I’m stunned.

Not stunned at his nakedness but at the fact.

But he’s nonchalant, shuffling across yawning and scratching his back.

That’s how life is; you wake up hoping to see the glorious sunset instead you get your sun blocked by a naked man.

And you dare complain about traffic in downtown Nairobi City?

If that were Nyanza it would have been a different story, because the only folk who walk naked at dawn are night-runners.

Gathura, unbeknownst to him, has that
recessive night-running gene of Nyanza night runners.

I called him last week and told him, “Boss, how
about you take me to Sabina Joy, I want to check it out. Two hours tops. I’m buying the drinks,plus you will have yourself a beautiful company in the name of Daisy,my girlfriend.”

He was confused but agreed.

You might know Sabina Joy as Karumaindo Bar.

It’s legendary, a mythological train that tirelessly keeps chugging and coughing decades of lustful notoriety.

Karumaindo has been there since god
was a teenager.

It’s ideally a whorehouse,a brothel but if you are of the more decent disposition you will
call it a bar.

Everybody who has been in Nairobi town longer than a week has, at least, heard one urban
lore about Karumaindo.

It’s revered for its licentiousness; it’s total lack of sympathy to the naïve or the urban-virgins.

Depending on whom you ask, it’s the den of thieves and the spot in town where Jezebel hangs her bra.

Karumaindo swallows the innocent and spits them out baptised in the roguish ways of Nairobi.

Although you might be with people you are always alone at Karumaindo because the quest for the pleasures of the flesh is a journey pursued alone.

And I was dying to see it for myself,again,after a very long time.

So, 8pm last Friday.

I leave my wallet, phone and watch in the car, not because I’m a wuss but because…OK, because I’m a wuss.

Daisy,my girlfriend,does the same,and her face lights up as if she is on a trance.

“Do you know that all the prostitutes inside there were once virgins?”,I pose to her,to break her trance.

She looks at me full on my eyes,and she just smiles.

Whenever Daisy does this,she makes me her slave for another hundred years!

Wr meet up with Gathura and together we walk down Kimathi Street, cross Uhuru Highway at Hilton and past the statue of Tom Mboya that stands forlornly in the dark pointing towards statehouse and in the process turning into a pitiful emblem of the Luo’s reiterated inability to rise to the big seat.

Gathura reads us the riot act: don’t order anything that can’t be opened before you, so no whisky, or brandy; don’t leave your drink unattended;

always keep your eye on the drink; minimise
bathroom breaks; don’t use a glass; stay close;
don’t get drunk; don’t touch any chic that not your Daisy.

“What if she touches me first?” I wonder.

We stroll past National Archive, past hawkers and street bums and vagabonds and the evening
crowd rushing home with the weight of the day
slung over their shoulders.

We pass that square before Ambassador Hotel, where all the suited Luos carrying folded newspapers (The Standard mostly) hurdle in circles talking politics animatedly.

You will not find a more boisterous and
dedicated political panel of analysts South of
Limpopo.

Sabina Joy doesn’t announce herself because
Sabina Joy doesn’t need to announce herself.

That’s how cocky Sabina is – whoever she was/is.

One moment you are walking past the
smorgasbord of heaving commerce at the
Ambassador stage and the next the entrance is
upon you.

Only a small dusty Tusker beer ad shingle above directs you in.

Once you cross this threshold you have crossed
the Rubicon.

Now you are in a rabbit hole.

(A bit of pun, of course). You walk up a tunnel-like winding staircase, following the thudding sound of the muffled music above.

You walk up this tunnel of debauchery with other men, trudging up determinedly and with all that unbridled hope of those led by their crotches.

On the second floor there is a security guy with
rheumy eyes the colour of strong tea, patting us
down, groping our pockets and impatiently
waving us in.

We are patted by about four different security guys.

Then we walk down this corridor with flashing gaudy disco lights.

There are girls writhing around in what in this part of town passes for sexy. Fat girls, slim girls, light girls, dark girls, pretty girls, girls with faces only a mother can love, girls with faces that can fit at Brew Bistro, girls in heels and girls in sandals, girls with long weave, bald girls, girls with talons for toes, dusty-footed girls, red eyed girls, girls with red lips, smiling girls, scowling girls, girls with teeth from Nakuru, girls with breasts that can
asphyxiate you, girls with chests so flat you can
shoot pool on them…then iron your shirt off
them.

They all have one thing in common; they
are here for you. At a price.

Daisy’s face is now painted in dismay,scornful of these women who scored a “first” with me before she entered the scene,many years ago.

She clings closer to my arm. It is Gathura’s arm she should be holding onto,if she wants me to enact the scene as it was many years ago.

I uncling her arm and hand her over to Gathura.

These girls will not talk to an accompanied man,so she sticks with Gathura for all the time we are inside Karumaindo Bar cum Brothel.

Karumaindo comes as a sinking disappointment when we walk into the bar.

Based on the stories I’ve heard recently, I pictured a dysfunctional, treacherous and extremely seedy joint.

I pictured something smoky with patrons all wearing those Kikuyu hats and tapping their pointed-toed boots to Mugithi songs that Gathura was to translate for Daisy(she come from a different tribe from mine and Gathura’s).

I expected everybody in there to wear loose pleather leather jackets and big golden chains around their necks.

In my head, the common word spoken there was going to be “ciigana?”(How much money in Kikuyu).

Instead it isn’t; it’s seedy all right but you don’t get the feeling that danger lurks around.

And there isn’t anybody wearing pleather jackets or pointed-toed boots. I’m crushed.

The sitting area is T-shaped.

Tables are wedged close to each other with men slumped in them sipping their beers.

There are TV screens all over, showing National Geographic, of all the things for crying out loud.

The men raptly watch a scene of male Gazelles locking horns.

There are old posters on the wall, some still proclaiming Lil Kim as the hottest star.

How old is Kim now, 60?

Cooling Fans whiz overhead.

At the end of the room is a cage from where the deejay peeks like a caged psychopath.

That cage for some reason reminds me of Hannibal Lector.

Sabina Joy is packed.

And it smells.

Not a foul smell, but this smell of blue-collar struggle.

I order two beers.

Gathura’s Pilsner comes in this titanic bottle that the size of a rocket launcher.

I’m curious to see how he will lift it to
his mouth alone.

Daisy enjoy’s her can of Sweet Cherry.

Her eyes are dilated,probably with anticipation,fear or excitement.

She is to remain as invisible to the girls as possible.

The girls won’t play if she decides to mark her territory

We drink.

Girls parade by sipping from plastic bottles.

Dodgy looking men pretend to ignore them, like they just came here to watch National Geographic then they will be on their way.

Soul music blares from the speakers hanging overhead as 80’s disco lights flash about.

A guy selling boiled eggs stops by our table.

We shake our heads, he moves along.

Guy selling Kenyan porn next stops by.

Again we shake our heads, he moves on.

This girl with very dark elbows walks by eyeing us.

We shake our heads…at her elbows.

We drink and make small talk.

My beer is warm; I might as well order a boiled egg to go with it.

At 10pm, I call this girl.

You know how Tony Soprano,the mafia don used to call those strippers over?

It’s very chauvinistic.

It has to be chauvinistic, that’s the only way it can work.

But it won’t work at any other posh place.

It works here because, here is ideally a
cave and we are all cavemen and the year is, well, what year was Lil Kim a hot commodity?

This girl I summoned wedges between Gathura
and I keeping away from Daisy on the other end, and offers me a smile that is supposed to
make me imagine that she is shy.

Well, she’s as shy as a wolf.

She’s light with a decent face but a body that contests that decency; large belly a flat bum, small legs and a tyre of fat around her waist just in case El Nino or Tsunami rocks up unannounced.

You guys, I believe, fondly refer to it as a “Kikuyu momo body”.

Let’s not get emotional. “Priss”.(Please as accentuated in Kikuyu Language)

She tells me her name is Samantha.

No matter, at Karumaindo names mean squat.

I tell her I’m Musa.

I offer to buy her beer, she orders for canned
Pilsner, which I pop open for her and she raises
it up and we knock up in cheers like decent folk.

Samantha has this red tattoo of a Playboy bunny on her right breast.

Yes, I was looking.

They were perked up in my face, OK?

What did you want me to look at instead, the Gazelle’s locking horns in National Geographic?

I ask her what the tattoo is and she (I swear) holds the whole poor breast up (jeez Samantha, I forgot to mention I like my tea black-no milk!) and asks, “Hii? Hii ni Playboy, I am a Playgirl.”(This is a playboy,and I’m a playgirl).

“No, you are a bunny,” I correct her.

“Hapana, mimi ni Playgirl,”(no,I’m a playgirl) she insists and I’m not in the mood to debate.

Playgirl it is.

Samantha is sort of funny.

Gathura had warned me not to ask questions that would get us stabbed, so I struggled to keep it light and nonchalant.

I’ve always wanted to interview a hooker. Or a
Madame. But I had to be wary of Daisy’s reaction. Now, I have her freedom. This is her game.

Can you imagine the kind of male
insecurity stories these women harbour in them?

I say insecurity because I think – and I might be
right- for you to pay for sex directly (not by
buying Pinot noir at Level 8) is a sign of
insecurity.

For now Samantha will do even though my hands are tied behind my back because Daisy is listening.

But I needn’t to because she’s a talker.

She tells me that she doesn’t service light older men because she never knew her father and her
mother wasn’t sure who her father was and she
telling her he was either a Kikuyu one or an
Ethiopian.

She laughs a lot,this Samantha girl, and when she does she sort of rams her body playfully into my shoulder, like we grew up together and Heck! Daisy is not enjoying this boob bumping on my shoulders.

The guy selling boiled eggs stops by again and
looks at me in case I’ve had a change of heart.

I shake my head.

He looks over at Samantha who asks me if I want an egg.

Well, not the one he is selling, I tell her in Kiswahili and it, unsurprisingly, flies right over her weave.

At some point she removes my hat from my head and asks if I wear hats. I tell her all the damn time.

She asks why?

I tell her to look tough.

Don’t I look tough? She puts it back on my head and takes a good look at me and says no.

She asks if she can keep it.

I tell her she can if she lets me keep her Playboy bunny.

She laughs and rams her shoulder into mine.

Then without warning she gets right to it and asks, “sasa itakuwa Kanu ama?”(What next,is it just this playfulness or I’m I looking for the “real thing?”

Kanu? Like Moi Kanu? I’m confused, is this a
political parties recruitment drive? I ask her what that is and she laughs and says “Uko na utoto!”(You are being childish)

I swear to her that I don’t know what she means.

She then wags her middle finger in that Kanu fashion (tingisha kidole fame) and looks at me naughtily.

I still don’t get it.

Then she wags it again, then I get
it and laugh.

You get it, too,my dear reader, don’t you?

Wagging the middle finger? You get it now? Alama ya jogoo? Anyone?

Sigh. She means sex and her finger is supposed
to represent a phallus.

These girls are creative.

I ask her how much.

She says five hundred.

I snort and tell her she is out of her mind, I aint
paying 500bob, not with that belly on you,baby!

OK, that last bit I think to myself.

She says that’s the going rate.

I talk her down to 300bob just to test my negotiation skills, or her desperation level.

She tells me there are rooms on the same
floor that go for 200bob for 20mins.

There, she says, you are timed, which I gather means no foreplay or asking stupid questions like “how was your day today?”

I ask her to come get me in 45mins that I need to discuss business with my pals first.

She leaves obediently.

Gathura,Daisy and I sneak out 20mins later.

After all I heard these many years gone now, Sabina Joy didn’t make look at life different or give me any unique insight into humanity or the trade of flesh.

It didn’t illuminate me or the people I saw.

It didn’t bubble to the surface my sense of morality.

I didn’t find it gritty or profound or humbling in its decadence.

Actually it disappointed me.

Cheated me.

Raised my hope,that sex business has now been more refined as compared to my teenage years, then dashed it.

Maybe it’s because I’m jaded by such novelty of having my girlfriend watch me negotiating for transactional sex,devoid of any emotional feelings.

Or maybe it’s the first impression I got when we walked in; that image of grown men watching gazelle’s lock horns on National Geographic.

Has foreplay sunk to such lows? A rhettorical question that is pertinent to both within our bedrooms or in a prostitute’s den?

Food for thought,especially for you my dear Daisy-remember you asked for it!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Things that matter to me today,at present….

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What’s on your self-care list?

No matter how much we accomplish, we feel we are just not doing enough.

If this resonates with you, you are not alone.

When my agribusiness clients call me for time management coaching,they seem startled when I tell them I can’t help them do more, because I don’t think that’s the answer.

What I will do is show them how to do more of what brings them joy and less of what drains them.

It’s about being kind to ourselves daily – giving ourselves the love and respect that we so freely give to others – regardless of whether we crossed everything off our to-do list that day.

We all deserve it.

What’s the one thing that you are not doing enough of that you would like to do more often?

Whatever this activity is, schedule time for it once a week for the next 3 weeks, just as an experiment.

And honour that appointment as you would any other (client,doctor, and dentist).

“Life is what happens
when you are busy
making other plans” -John Lennon

Make time for yourself and your life because if you don’t, who will?

It’s easy to get lost in all the chores that have to be done each day.

We all have busy lives and there’s never enough time in a day.

But a day turns into a week, a month, a year and before you know it, a whole lifetime.

Let’s not let the years pass without doing what matters most to us.

At the beginning of each month, before your calendar fills up, schedule time for your self-care activity once a week.

Here are some of my favorite self-care
activities to give you some ideas and get you
thinking about what you’d like to do:

• Take a walk
• Go for a bike ride
• Put your favourite song on and dance or close your eyes and relax
• Read for pleasure (novel, magazine)
• Listen to a book or inspirational speaker on CD/ipod
• Sit with a cup of specialty hot chocolate or tea
• Look at photos you took while on vacation
• Soak your feet in dishpan with marbles and Epsom salts
• Go for a manicure
• Write in your personal journal
• Call a friend and remind him/her how much you care about your friendship
• Spend some time on a hobby i.e. baking a pizza for yourself,no matter how imperfect it looks in the end.
• Pet your dog/cat
• Massage your feet or your temples with essential oils
•Give yourself a facial (use steam from a boiling pot with a towel draped over it)
•Browse through decorating books and dream

I encourage you to create your own list and put it on your bulletin board.

I hope you will share your ideas and/or success stories with our community by commenting below.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Things that mattered to me yesterday….

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I still catch myself getting worried about things that don’t matter anymore in my life.

The funny thing is when we get clear on the things that don’t matter, we zero in on the things that do.

It becomes easy to let go of the unimportant.

It fosters gratitude for what we may have taken for granted.

Here is a mixed pot of things that don’t matter anymore in my life;

• Scrubbing my kitchen pots and pans until they’re sparkling

• Making the bed the minute I wake up

• Reading to the end of a book I’m not enjoying

• A ringing phone left unanswered,especially from a caller who doesn’t matter anymore in my life

• Getting less than a perfect score in any game of life

• Being stopped at an unchanging traffic red light until a traffic cop unjams the rights

• Paw prints on a clean floor

• Wearing the wrong clothes, shoes,socks

• Who dumped me years ago,I mean,the. painand heartbreak it caused is all gone,buried. under dustbin of time!

But here is the cream of things that don’t matter anymore;

»Defining my identity.

From the color of braces to the ringtone of my flip phone, everything i owned, wore, played, needed to define my entire life.

I needed a label, a status in the society that
is high school, but having an identity crisis at 15 is awfully dramatic.

Being the gymnast, the bass player, the guy with the Mohawk: not only are these labels irrelevant in our twenties, but more than likely we forgot all about them (although, hopefully the guy with the Mohawk finally got an adult haircut).

Come graduation day, that reputation you worked on for four years evaporates.

Starting college or your first job, no one knows and no one cares about who you were in high
school.

You have to climb that ladder from the bottom of the totem pole once again, the difference being in our twenties we don’t find the need to characterize.

Put it this way, if we still identified ourselves with who we were in high school then my
email address would still be
soccerboy_love@yahoomessenger.com (oh dear).

»Grades were everything.

Nothing like the worry of Mr. Wilson’s history final determining the fate of your college career.
Chances are you can’t even recall what grade you got on that test you were so worried about.

We thought what stood in between success and
failure was whether you got an A or a B.

Although grades and GPA did play a factor in admissions and scholarships, they don’t ultimately determine your career path.

Having unique skills, a sharp tongue, charisma, and connections will get you further in life than your GPA score ever will.

You probably won’t catch a potential employer asking about your high school test scores.

They are going to value your experience,
your referrals, and your skill set when hiring you.

»Your parents are out to ruin your life

They gave you curfews, made you change your outfit, how dare they not let you go out with a senior boy/girl.

Lots of yelling,pouting, and slammed doors from what we remember about our days under our parents guard.

The general rule was that if fun was involved, mom and dad would make sure you didn’t have it, or so we thought.

Growing older, those ground rules we couldn’t understand appear to be more reasonable than before.

Our parents turned out to be smarter than we gave them credit for.

Bless them for putting up with those teenage years where we thought we knew everything.

Hopefully we now see that they were just looking out for us and those horrible rules and punishments were wrapped with good intentions.

We realize the importance of family and
appreciate their love.

»Doing it all

It seemed as though every Friday night was “going to be the party of the year” and if you didn’t go see that movie on opening night, then you might as well not see it at all.

So impatient, so juvenile.

There is always going to be another party, and you realize now you can’t be everywhere.

We learn in our twenties that our lives are enriched by spending time by yourself every once in a while.

You learn to prioritize and schedule better.

»Being friends with people that weren’t really your friends

You wanted to be in on the private jokes, the awesome poolside parties, the reserved seats at the lunch table, but was it worth hanging with people you didn’t really like?

Thankfully in our twenties and thirties, we realize that friendships can drift apart and learn to associate ourselves with people who have our best interest at heart.

Although frenemies and bullies can appear at any age,high school years were overly populated with deceit.

In order to be cool, to stand out, or just find your place, we did some pretty dumb things.

Trying to be something you weren’t or just wanting to fit in, those four years were tough.

We realized after high school that life moves on.
You eventually start to forget the names of most of your teachers, where you sat in home room, and your best friend’s home phone number.

You forget who was cool and who wasn’t, who was pretty and who was smart, who threw the best parties, and who dated who.

Everything changes, life goes on.

Don’t we wish we had that perspective back then?

So we must ask ourselves, are the things that matter in our lives today going to matter in ten years?

Do we value what is important?

Graduate from your mistakes, treat each day as if you’re turning that tassle, and remember what really matters.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

The morning of your destiny

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“Success and failure are
not overnight experiences.
It’s the small decisions
along the way that cause
people to fail or succeed.”
–Anthony Robbins

I think when you wake up in the morning your
destiny has already been decided. [Oh, sorry, this will get slightly introspective.]

You can’t even begin averting your fate.

You were born a pawn.

Your card was dealt a long time ago.

So all the misfortune and fortunes that will befall you were already premeditated.

The gavel long landed.

Or is it really so?

Or is it really so rigid?

Not quite,I think.

There is still something we can do about it.

Like the way a mason works on a shapeless piece of stone,and makes a beautiful building block.

Yes,it is still basically a stone,but a beautiful one at that!

My current professional assignment has reinforced this belief, now,
more than ever.

I will explain shortly.

‘Every moment
I shape my destiny
with a chisel,
I am a carpenter
of my own soul.’ ~Rumi

What makes the difference in the quality
of people’s lives?

What is the single factor that shapes and controls our ultimate destiny?

Most people think that biography is
destiny, that the past equals the future.

And you know what?

It can—but only if you live there,in your past,that is.

Any study of history shows that the difference in human beings comes down to one thing: an ability to harness the power of decision, often in spite of adverse conditions.

The history of our world is the result of decisions .

It’s the power of decision that caused Rosa Parks to remain in her seat and state, “No, I will not,the famous black woman activist,go to the back of the bus.”

It took a forceful decision to compel an unarmed man to stand in front of a tank at
Tiananmen Square.

“It is in your moments of decision
that your destiny
is shaped.” – Tony Robbins

It was the strength of decision that led President John F. Kennedy to declare that an American would be first to walk on the moon by the
end of the 1960s.

Decision is the ultimate power—and there are three core decisions each of us makes every moment we’re alive.

These decisions have the capacity to empower,
advance, frustrate or derail us, depending on what we choose:

Decision 1: What are you going to focus on in your life?

Do you focus on things you’re excited about or things you fear?

Whatever you focus on, you experience.

Wherever focus goes, energy flows to attain that end as your ultimate destiny.

Decision 2: What does this mean?
Is your current station in life the end or the beginning? Are you being punished or rewarded?

The minute you decide to focus on something, you give it a meaning.

How you define an event produces emotion and determines how you feel going forward.

Decision 3: What are you going to do about it?
Are you going to give up or follow through?

The meanings we assign to events influence what actions we take as a result.

It’s our decisions, not our conditions, that ultimately shape the quality of our lives.

At any moment the decision you make can
change the course of your life forever.

Whenever you wake up in the morning,knowing life has given you another gift of a new day,take up your chisel of DECISIONS and continue the noble work of shaping your destiny.

Every morning is a morning of your destiny!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Is true bachelorhood just a charade?

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So George Clooney finally decided to marry. I cannot think of a bigger cliché. And my personal dissapointment that Clooney has thrown into my resolve to remain a bachelor for the rest of my life.

Is it just a charade,this bachelorhood thing?

After carrying the biggest banner of bachelorhood, bearing the greatest metaphor of independence and success and everything in between, he finally succumbed just when we
were all thinking that there is actually a soul out there that can stay committed to the cause of bachelorhood.

The vintage Clooney finally sold out to the other species!

If Clooney finally got hitched then everybody will eventually get married.

Being an eligible bachelor is overrated.

It is not as grand as it seems.

I know one.

(Don’t we all?)

He is 46 years old.

Unlike me,he never got married in the first place to be spit out of the hell that is called marriage.

Never married, never dated for more than a year, his sexual orientation straight as an arrow.

He is successful because he works weird hours and knows which ass to kiss and which one to kick.

You might fault him for many things but not for being a hard worker.

Because he runs his own little business — in logistics — he is obsessive about it.

And he puts nothing before it: not a woman, not even himself.

Bachelor’s lair

He lives in a house with a garage and a study.

His balcony overlooks a small stream but when he describes it he says his house overlooks a “river”, especially if a woman is listening.

It is a sexy house as far as houses go; a mix between the retro, minimalist, and artsy.

Because he has to show the women that he believes in something, that he is passionate about something bigger than modern decadency, he collects numerous expensive paintings from different parts of Africa,
countries he frequently travels to for work.

There is a particular unique one that hangs on the wall that leads out to the balcony which he calls a “deal maker” because it unfailingly manages to reel in even the most
difficult of women.

It is of this little Congolese girl bent over a three-stone jiko blowing the fire.

You should hear him explain the context of that painting,tears almost welling up in his eyes.

It is the phoniest thing you will ever see, but the tragedy is that women always buy it.

He does not even like children, or three-stone jikos.

His house smells of opulence and independence.

It is his lair where he slays the naïve women and conquers the cynics.

He drives a German car, bought off a relocating expat for a pittance.

He loves clothes.

He keeps fit: plays squash weekdays and rides his bike on weekends.

He will do a marathon a year but only because I am sure it sounds good to drop it in a whisky conversation with his cigar-smoking friends.

He is not on social media — too unproductive for him, too “toxic”.

He also does not own a TV because he only retains things that — and wait for this —
“stimulate him cerebrally.”

Untamable charmer

Women love him.

They love this charade to death.

But I suspect that women do not really love him, they love the worn novelty that he embodies.

He is like a flame, and I have seen many moths get burnt at his feet because they approached
him first with intrigue then as an agenda.

And they all failed.

Most women he meets are always obsessed with trying to unlock the question of his bachelorhood.

They feel equipped to unlock this puzzle because he deceptively offers them “incentives” to make them feel as if they are the chosen ones who will finally get him off this path.

He drops clues as if it is a treasure hunt.

So they come into his life and try to be “useful” and “unique” and he feeds them this sob story about how he keeps meeting the wrong girls
who just do not “understand” him, those who want to “change him.”

House of cards

He builds this house of cards so high that he starts believing in it too.

Every woman who gets into his life intentionally internalises his need for independence while secretly believing that she
will be the one to bring down this house of cards.

He uses a carrot and stick method, feeding these poor souls a little hope, while deceptively setting them up for the ultimate fall.

It is the dance of death that he wins eventually.

It is quite artistic, this morbid game of emotions.

Before writing this I asked him if it was OK if I wrote it.

He said it did not matter either way because no matter the information a woman knows about a man, if she likes him she will easily disregard those truths.

“In fact, your article might just help me,but would you kindly leave out my name so that my snares don’t end up empty,just because someone I’m leading up the garden path chances on it” he said.

He says he will never commit and marry because he is not “built” for it.

But like Clooney, his Waterloo is coming.

Eventually he will find that one whom he does not want to let go of; the one who sees right through the hogwash of that painting by his
balcony!

This story is not about me,damnit!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Lessons on love from the Wild; Like a dik dik, hold on to love that is yours and stray no more!

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I’m always fascinated by animal behaviour,especially more so because animals cannot tell us their thoughts,or explain their behaviour;we can only collate their perspectives about life from observing their behaviour.

I visited Samburu last week,and I saw dikdiks.

Those lucky enough to have the opportunity
to visit our national parks in Kenya, especially in areas of Samburu or Tsavo must have seen a very small gazelle, the dikdik.

It is the second smallest gazelle from the suni family.

It is also possible to see them outside the parks,
especially in semi-arid environment.

Being very small and not fast enough, the dikdiks are usually vulnerable to their predators.

The female poses tiny pointed horns that may be
basically useless against predators.

Although males develop slightly tougher horns, they use them more in courtship displays, and
against other males when protecting a territory.

But the horns are basically useless against the super predators.

Against all this odds, dikdiks still thrive and
are not among the endangered species. How
do they do it?

They employ what we call disruptive camouflage.

When danger calls they stand very still against a brush of dry vegetation, which effectively merges with the colour of the gazelle.

They don’t even blink.

Even with very sharp eyes of the eagles, it
would be very difficult to spot a dikdik if it has
already seen the enemy.

Another method the dikdik uses as a way of avoiding being eaten is to limit their numbers per territory.

They do this by chasing their children away from home as soon as they are weaned.

When they keep the numbers per area to minimum two, then there are ample areas to hide and also enough food to eat, so they don’t have to wonder around a large area looking for grazing ground.

In the bush, most times you will find the dikdiks living in twos.

Male and female. If there is a third one, it may well be a juvenile on his way out of home.

When they are feeding, one member of the couple would be watching, while the other one feeds.

They alternate as such and keep their back covered all the time.

In this case then, it is right to say that that dikdiks pair for life.

They are as celibate as the French and stay
true to the adage, “till death do we part”.

In their quest to protect their small territories, they mark the boundaries with a smelly oily secretions from a preorbital gland situated below the eyes.

They also deposit their dung in a communal spot, more like using a common toilet.

But at times, consumed by the male ego to show off to his wife, his will and commitment to protect her, he does it all the way to death.

He may become so preoccupied to watching
out for invading males, that he forgets that trouble may fall from heavens. The sky can fall.

I was driving around in Samburu National Park with clients on ecological study.

We were to be there for three days and each
time we went out for a game drive, the drive out of the lodge was the same.

There was a small thicket near the lodge which had a big acacia umbrella tree growing in the middle.

There was this couple of dikdiks that lived there.
They had made a good heap of dung in a small clearing to mark their territory.

The tree was also in the path of elephants heading to the river.

One day, a herd of elephants decided to use
the tree near the river as a shade.

As usual, they destroyed the bushes around the tree and there was no more ground cover for the dikdiks.

The elephants also dropped their dung all over the place, including on the dung heap of the dikdiks.

Thinking that the elephants were claiming their territory, the male dikdik waited until the elephants left the shade, then carefully dropped a pellet of his dung on top of the huge dropping of the elephant.

He was busy reclaiming his territory and reassuring his wife that however big the elephant dung was, his was on the top and the territory was restored.

He did not notice that he was completely in the open.

The bush cover had been destroyed by the elephants.

The female was well hidden away from the clearing but watching keenly what the male was doing.

Suddenly, the sky came tumbling down on the male dikdik.

A huge martial eagle had spotted the male dikdik from above and came down for lunch.

Sometimes it becomes necessary to change your
mind when situation changes,but who said love is a reasonable state of mind?

The male dikdik was only trying to hold to love that was his,and his alone;for that noble cause,he paid with his life!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

After we stop trying so hard to chase “happiness,” to control life and make it look the way it ought to look, then we can probably begin to have a pretty good time

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“If only we’d stop trying to be happy, we could
have a pretty good time.” ~Edith Wharton

Eighteen years ago a well-known Zen Master
accepted me as a long distance student.

In one of our first email exchanges I wrote, “Dear Teacher, I am trying to sit every day for thirty minutes and in my practice I am trying to follow my breath.”

“Please,” he wrote back, “stop trying. You are your breath.”

I remember reading his words and feeling
perplexed, confused, almost annoyed.

What in the world did he mean?

Wasn’t it obvious that we had no choice but to be our breath?

Weren’t we all breathing beings?

And how did “being breath” in the end relate to my life, to my meditation, to my hope of becoming a better human being.

When my teacher’s words arrived, getting to my meditation mat was a huge effort.

Once I finally managed to get to the meditation
mat, I would set the timer and start counting my
breath: one (breathe in), two (breathe out), three (breathe in), four (breathe out), five (breathe in), six (breathe out), seven (breathe in)…

Needless to say, my thoughts would
immediately jump in and I would find myself
losing track of my breath and my counting.

I would have to start back from number one,
only to see the distractions appear all over
again.

I don’t remember ever getting to number
ten.

Not only was carving out thirty minutes for
meditation a huge effort, even the apparently
simple task of counting the breaths revealed itself to be an exhausting endeavour.

I knew at an intuitive level that it shouldn’t have
been like that—I knew that my teacher was right—but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what I was doing wrong.

It took me eight years, and many major life crises, failures, losses, and divorce to understand the meaning of his words.

Now that my life has fallen apart like I never
thought it would or could, I know what my Zen
teacher meant: I was trying too hard.

I can now see that in my meditation I was not
actually “following” my breath.

I was trying, very hard, to catch it.

I was chasing it. I was trying to grasp it, trying to hold onto it, trying to make it fit into my orderly numbered, counting boxes.

I was trying so hard to reign it in. I was trying so hard to control it.

Once I realised that, it only took a moment of self- honesty and one quick look at myself to see how that same impulse to control my breath was
operating in all aspects of my life.

I was “trying” to be a good man and always
promptly responded to needs of others, even when their needs could have probably waited just a bit longer—enough, maybe, to give me a chance to finish a chore or a much treasured cup of tea.

I was “trying” to be a good man and “tried” to
always be available for conversation, even when all I wanted and most needed was some quiet time to myself or simply some peace to concentrate on cooking my dinner.

I was “trying” to be the do-it-all man and took on a full-time teaching job, one hour away, while still teaching evening music classes.

I was “trying” to keep the social life of the family rich and fun and took on social commitments during the weekend even though most of it needed to be spent cleaning my house or going to a walk.

Just like I did with my breathing, I was chasing
my life in the attempt to reign it in, to catch it,
to grasp it in the hope of gaining some control
over it.

It took a messy divorce and loss of my financial security, two moves in less then a year, financial
uncertainty, and more losses of friends to finally
admit that I just could not “try” anymore.

I could no longer make my life unfold the way I
wanted it to unfold or make it look the way I
thought it should look.

I could no longer “try” to make people happy; I
could no longer be what I thought they wanted me to be.

I desperately wanted healing, and yet I didn’t even have the physical strength or the mental clarity to begin to mend the broken pieces of my shattered life.

Unlike other financially stable people, I could not take off and go on a meditation retreat in India in the hope to find my own lost self; my cat and dogs needed me.

Nor could I go to Sychelles to be with my
friends who had gone there on vacation.

Instead, I found myself completely alone after
having lost the entire social circle I shared in my failed marriage, and after moving to a small apartment in a struggling small rural town where I had no connections whatsoever.

There, I had no choice but to confront my
brokenness and aloneness; there I had to accept all the limitations of my new life, and as Charles
Bukowski says in his poem “Alone,” there, I had to learn my walls, I had to accept them and learn to love them.

It turned out that for me the only way out of
my darkness was not to escape it but to plunge
right into it.

Among the walls of my apartment I found myself gravitating to the mat again only to find out this time that I couldn’t even physically sit.

I had so much emotional pain stuck in my abdomen and chest that I couldn’t even feel my breathing.

Since the only way I could become aware of my
breath was by lying down, I decided to meditate in a supine position, shavasana style.

Once I gave myself the permission to do that,
something great happened: I experienced gravity, and gravity held me and healed me.

My abdomen relaxed; I could finally feel my belly muscles rising and falling; I could finally feel my breath.

With gravity’s healing support, I could then observe the breath; I could notice it, witness it.

In my brokenness I had to finally let go of
control, surrendered to whatever my life was
and had become, trusting that the breath of
life would take me where I needed to be, every
day, every moment.

That was only few years ago and now I am finally able to sit on my meditation pillow.

Following the breath is also quite a different
experience.

When I sit, I am able to be a viewer, an observer.

I watch my breath, I watch what it’s doing, I observe its rhythm, its ups and downs, its
ins and outs, and I just let it be. I accept it with all its irregularities. I just let it do its thing.

I am not sure yet how all of this is getting played out in my life.

One thing I have learned, however, is that letting go of how we think our life should be
and letting ourselves fall, maybe even backward, into radical self-acceptance and radical self-love are gifts to be treasured—even if those gifts come through harsh life lessons and losses.

Some of us were lucky enough to come into the
world with those gifts built into our system.

Some of us have to consciously make an effort and work hard at cultivating them—sometimes at creating them, sculpting them from the raw matter of our mistakes and failures, inventing them out of nothingness because nothing or too little was given to us.

But that, in my opinion, is where it’s worth trying.

That is an effort worth making—one that will not assure us of a smooth ride but that might bring us to a place of inner peace, joy, appreciation, and gratitude, where a lasting transformation might actually happen.

And then, after we stop trying so hard to chase
“happiness,” to control life and make it look the way it ought to look, then we can probably begin to have a pretty good time.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Walking yourself to a place of unconditional forgiveness

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“The greatest insight to personal awareness and freedom is when you arrive at a place in your life when you start feeling sorry for your enemy’s suffering.
Forgiveness does not change your past suffering and hurts, but it does enlarge your future”.

It is freeing to become aware that we do not have to be victims to our past hurts and slights, and can learn new ways of responding.

But there is a step beyond this recognition… It is the step of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is love practised among people who love us poorly.

It sets us free without wanting anything in return from them,they who have hurt us.

Having said that,I must start by confessing that I’m the type of person to hold a grudge.

It’s not that I want power over people, which is often the motive for holding a grudge, it’s just that I want all-due glory for my suffering.

This is what I mean: if somebody is causing me
some pain, I want them to know I am bearing it for them.

For this reason, it’s hard for me to forgive my enemies.

If people slam me on the internet,or even in real life, it’s hard to forgive.

If people undercut me in a business deal, it’s hard to forgive, too.

And for so long it seemed there was nothing I could do about it.

I knew I’d be better off to forgive, but how?

What are the steps to controlling your uncontrollable emotions?

I don’t fully know the answer to that question.

Part of the reason it’s so hard to forgive is pride.

If I forgive someone, it feels like I’m also saying that the other person had the right to do me wrong.

That doesn’t feel right.

But it’s a real feeling.

Even more difficult is having to forgive someone who hasn’t even recognised they’ve done me wrong.

So why forgive?

Before I say why, I should say how.

Here’s how:

•Go through the stages of grief.

Let the offence shock you, then let it completely hurt you.

Don’t avoid the pain.

Sit with it and feel it no matter how unbearable it is.

Please know it will end in time.

It will get 2% easier every day.

Just feel it like a toothache and soon enough it will transition into something bearable.

•Then let the offence make you angry.

Don’t lash it out to your perceived enemy, or you’ll be guilty yourself.

Talk about it with trusted friends but confess you’re angry and your emotions aren’t under control.

And don’t feel bad for being angry.

The last thing you need is anger and shame.

Just punch a pillow and make it through.

The anger, like the pain, will lessen over time.

•Then after being angry, accept what has been done.

Just accept it as a fact and don’t over analyse it. It happened.

This will still be shocking at first, but in time, you will accept it as a fact that you can’t change.

From there, you’re at a place to forgive.

It will be hard work, but it’s worth it.

Sit and pray for the person you’ve been hating.

Sit and imagine them with a good life, them
coming to realize that what they did was wrong, maybe not to you, but to somebody, perhaps to God.

•Then be willing to love them in your heart.

Want the best for them.

Hope for the best for them.

Stop praying for God to destroy them and pray
for God to bless them.

Pray for God to open up their hearts so they can receive the love that will stop them from hurting others.

This is the only way I know how to forgive.
• • •
Why then, should we feel obliged forgive?

Well, there are many reasons, but I’m only going to focus on a few.

The first is because, believe it or not, forgiveness is a pleasurable experience.

No kidding, it feels much better than anger or hate.

God has designed forgiveness as a powerful
blessing for those who have been hurt.

The experience of truly forgiving somebody can make you more happy than if you’d never been hurt in the first place.

•The second reason for you to forgive is that it removes you from being entangled in the rather dark thing that hurt you in the first place.

If it was a bad business deal, then you get to
be free of it and maintain your integrity.

If it was a family member talking behind your back, you get to remove yourself completely from all the complications of gossip.

Forgiveness sets you free from being bogged down in knee-deep mud of self destruction.

Forgiveness gives you a taste of what it feels like to obey God’s will that we forgive and love one another, and it’s a terrific feeling.

God forgave us because it gave Him pleasure to do so.

He was happy to do so.

Love forgives, and so does God, and so can you.

•The third reason to forgive is that you open yourself up to amazing possibilities for a happy life.

When you don’t forgive, you draw the curtains in your soul and your life gets dark.

When you forgive you let the light in again, and you go on about your life in peace. And don’t you want some peace?

Isn’t it time for some peace in your life?

The greatest thing about forgiveness is it will allow you to love again.

It will allow you to love and be loved.

And believe me, it’s worth it.

Forgiveness is tough, for sure, but love is infinitely more valuable than the pain of forgiveness costs.

No matter what you have to go through to forgive, you’re getting a steal of a deal to be able to love and be loved again.

Pay the price and I promise you’ll be happy you did.

Take a walk to a place of forgiveness in your life,and you will be glad you did it,more so for your own good,that that of your enemies.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Why Approval Addiction Makes Everyone Miserable

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“To put it simply, addiction to approval puts your happiness under the control of others.”

If wanting the approval of others is a natural
desire as social scientists tell us, how can it be a problem?

The problem is that, like any drug, the high you get from getting approval eventually wears off.

If having the approval of others is the only way you know how to feel happy, then you’re going to be miserable until you get your next “fix.”

What this means is that simply wanting approval isn’t the problem.

The real issue is being too attached to getting approval from others as the only way to feel fulfilled.

To put it simply, addiction to approval puts your
happiness under the control of others.

Because their happiness depends on others,
approval addicts can be the most easily
manipulated.

I often see this with unhealthy or even abusive relationships.

All an abuser has to do is threaten to make the approval addict feel rejected or like they’re being selfish, and they’ll stay under the abuser’s spell.

Approval addiction leads to a lack of boundaries and ultimately resentment.

Many times I felt resentment toward others because they crossed my boundaries, and yet I would remain silent. I didn’t want to come across as rude for speaking up about how someone upset me.

The problem is this would lead to pent up
resentment over time, because there’s a constant
feeling that people should just “know better.”

When I took an honest look at the situation, though, I had to consider whose fault it was if resentment built up because my boundaries were crossed.

Is it the fault of the person who unknowingly
crossed those boundaries, or the person who failed to enforce boundaries out of fear of rejection?

Looking at my own life, I actually appreciate when someone I care about lets me know I’ve gone too far.

It gives me a chance to make things right.

If I don’t let others know how they’ve hurt me because of fear of rejection, aren’t I actually robbing them of the opportunity to seek my forgiveness and do better?

This leads me to my final point, approval addiction leads to being selfish.

The deception is that the selfishness is often disguised and justified as selflessness.

As a person who works with public and communities at a professional level, I’m exposed to critics.

If I don’t overcome a desire for wanting approval from everyone, then their opinions can stop me from sharing something incredibly helpful with those who’d benefit from my work.

Approval addiction is a surefire way to rob the
world of your gifts.

How selfish is it to withhold what I have to offer to others all because I’m thinking too much about what some people may think of me?

As strange as it sounds, doing things for others can be selfish.

On an airplane,in case of an emergency, they say to put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on a child.

This is because if the adult passes out trying
to help the child, both are in trouble.

In much the same way, approval addiction can lead a person to martyr themselves to the point that everyone involved suffers.

For instance, if a person spends so much time
helping others that they neglect their own health, then in the long run, it may be everyone else who has to take care of them when they get sick, causing an unnecessary burden.

Selfless acts, done at the expense of one’s greater priorities, can be just as egotistical and destructive as selfish acts.

•How to Overcome Approval Addiction

The first way to overcome approval addiction is to be gentle with yourself.

Wanting to feel connected with others is normal.
It’s only an issue when it’s imbalanced with other priorities like having boundaries.

What approval addicts are often missing is self-
approval.

We all have an inner critic that says things like, “You’re not good enough. You’re nothing
compared to these people around you. If you give yourself approval, you’re being selfish.”

You can’t get rid of this voice.

What you can do is choose whether or not to buy into it or something greater.

You also have a part of yourself that says, “You’re worthy. You’re good enough. You’re just as valuable as anyone else.”

The question becomes: “Which voice do I choose to align to?”

This often means asking yourself questions like,
“Can I give myself some approval right now? What is something I appreciate about myself?”

The next step is to then be willing to actually allow yourself to receive that approval.

To break approval addiction, remember to treat
yourself the way you want others to treat you.

In much the same way, you can overcome approval addiction by equally valuing other important things, such as your need for significance and control.

While wanting to control things can be taken too far just like wanting approval, it is the Yang to approval-seeking’s Yin.

Both are necessary for balance.

Questions that typically help me are: “Do I want
other people’s opinions have power over me?
Would I rather let this person control me or
maintain control over my own life?”

Finally, there is the ultimate key to overcoming
approval addiction.

It’s by using the greatest motivator— unconditional love.

Worrying about what other people think
masquerades as love.

In reality, when you really love someone, you’re willing to have their disapproval.

Imagine a parent with a child.

If the parent is too concerned about the child’s opinion of them, they might not discipline their child for fear of the child disliking them.

Have you ever seen a parent who lets their child get away with anything because they don’t want to be the “bad guy?” Is this truly loving?

To break approval addiction, I realised I had to ask one of the most challenging questions anyone could ask themselves: Am I willing to love this person enough to have them hate me?

If you really care for someone, telling them, “You’re screwing up your life” and having them feel the pain of that statement might be the most loving thing you can do.

This comes with the very real possibility they will
reject you for pointing out the truth.

However, if you love someone, wouldn’t you rather have them go through a little short-term pain in order to save them a lot of pain down the road?

On the upside, many people will eventually come to appreciate you more in the long term if you’re willing to be honest with them and prioritise your love for them over your desire for their approval.

If you have to share a harsh truth, my mentor, Joseph Nderu Kimani , taught me that you can make this easier by first asking, “Can I be a true friend?” to let them know what you’re about to say is coming from a place of love.

I’ve found that everything, including the desire for approval, can serve or enslave you depending on how you respond to it.

Do you use your desire for approval as a force to help you see things from other people’s
perspective, or do you use it as a crutch on which you base your happiness?

Do you use your desire for approval as a reminder to give yourself approval, or do you use it as an excuse to be miserable when others don’t give you approval?

Finally, are you willing show the ultimate
demonstration of genuine love—sacrificing your desire for approval in order to serve another?

I believe the best type of approval would be your own self-approval;other peoples approval should only work as a bonus to this,and that is not selfish-it is just as we are told to “love others as much as we love ourselves”.

Can you love others “more”,if you love yourself “less”?

Hmmmmm. Ponder that. Or even much better,meditate on it!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Little surprises and deliberately scripted “happiness routine” that bring great happy moments

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You know the feeling when you find your own money that had slipped down the back of the couch?

Or when you find something that you totally forgot you had?

What if you could manufacture your life to have more positive experiences like these?

I’ve been experimenting with this too.

I’ve tried setting random calendar notes or reminders for several weeks’ time, each with a short positive note or inspirational message to myself.

Both add a nice surprise to the day when you receive them out of the blue.

Perhaps order yourself a gift to arrive in the distant future and totally forget about it until it arrives.

Or maybe leave hidden notes in completely random places all over the house.

Get creative, because anything goes.

Even better still, begin crafting these little surprises for others too.

A couple of times a month think of somebody close to you and figure out a way you can help them.

Maybe that’s with a call or a surprise visit.

Maybe that’s a thoughtful gift or simply paying them a genuine compliment.

The world needs more pleasant surprises.

A few weeks ago I found myself having a bad day.

The frustrating thing was that on the outside
everything was okay, nothing had explicitly gone wrong, but inside everything was a mess.

It was one of those days where you’re in a constant battle with yourself.

At the beginning of this century I saved up enough to be able to quit my job and focus on building my own private business.

But on this particular day I felt nothing but doubt about my general progress and direction in life.

I couldn’t get my head straight, my business creativity was drained, and with everything I attempted I came up against a mental block.

In silent despair, I sank into my office chair and
stared blankly across the room.

As I gazed ahead, I looked at pictures from my travels stuck on the wall.

Each was a reminder of good times I’ve had
and things to look forward to in the future.

To the left, Steve Jobs’ biography sat staring at me on the shelf.

It’s tactfully put there, so that on days where I feel like I’m incapable of producing anything worthwhile, I get a reminder of what’s possible.

I’ve recently been experimenting with
incorporating things in my daily life to add
extra inspiration.

Things that give extra motivation when days are good and provide a weatherproof layer for the days when things aren’t going so well.

If our routines and everyday life occur by chance, it’s unlikely that they set us up to have the happiest, most meaningful and productive days that we’re capable of.

So I’ve started being deliberate in how I sculpt and script my days and routines. I guess you could call it happiness architecture.

Of course, true lasting happiness takes practice.
It’s a long-term commitment of expressing gratitude, being aware of our negative self-talk, and developing the ability to see the world around us with more optimism.

So, while designing your days isn’t a quick fix for instant happiness, it’s a way to help cultivate a fertile environment for happiness to grow.

Here are some of the things I’ve been toying with:

•Physical space and aesthetics

The easiest place to start sculpting a happier life is with your physical space.

Design your surroundings so they inspire you.

This doesn’t mean you have to move to the Himalayas or to a villa beside the sea,but instead craft your current surroundings so they
make you happier.

The reason Disneyland is considered one of the
happiest places on Earth isn’t by chance, but
because around every corner is a Mickey Mouse, a Disney Princess, or another deliberately crafted inspiring moment.

Craft your own daily Disneyland.

This is the reason for my strategically placed
biography of Steve Jobs.

It’s the reason I drink coffee out of a mug that reads “Follow Your Dreams.”

It’s the reason for the inspiring quotes
and messages all over my walls and on the
wallpaper of my computer.

Have daily reminders of your goals dotted around the house.

Surround yourself with plants, paintings,
colours, and other visual elements that make you happy.

Anything that can help ensure that not a single day goes by without some sort of visual kick-up-the-backto inspire you to be happier.

• The Company you keep

The people you spend time with can either raise or squander your energy and positivity.

If you want to be happier, be deliberate in choosing who you spend your time with.

I’m not the most extroverted of people, so who I’m spending time with can be the difference between me coming across as some crazy, passionate guy or a timid, bashful guy.

The latter of which tends to leave me questioning myself—“ What’s wrong with
me?” “Why am I so quiet?”

Very few of us are fortunate enough to be able to spend 24/7 around inspiring people who light us up, but we can craft opportunities to spend time with (or at very least call) somebody who inspires us a couple of times a week.

We often default to whatever company is available to us, just to avoid being alone.

We don’t pay any attention to how negatively that company might affect us.

Be totally honest with yourself and ask: does
spending time with these people make me come
away feeling better or worse?

If the answer is worse, then maybe it’s not worth it after all.

•Time for passionate things

Perhaps most importantly, we need to be very
deliberate with how we spend our time.

It’s so easy to fall into a routine and stay there no matter how counter-productive or negative it may be.

I try to do something I’m passionate about every single day.

For you, this could be taking an action that contributes toward a big goal, or maybe it’s
learning to dance Salsa, playing an instrument, or another activity you love to do.

You don’t have to spend long on it, but there’s a lot of satisfaction that can be had knowing that no matter how manic and stressful life may be, you are still working toward something that is
meaningful to you.

Make time to lose yourself in a book.

Give yourself a sacred fifteen minutes every morning to savour and enjoy a steaming of tea or coffee.

Make time to meditate, to enjoy the moment and to feel gratitude for all that you have.

Dedicate a part of your day to going out into nature and noticing the sound of the birds, the crisp bite of the wind, or simply the gentle crunch of the leaves beneath your feet.

Your time is the most precious thing in your life.

Without it, nothing else could exist.

•Elimination the negative by dealing with it,whichever way

With that in mind, just adding more positivity to
our days will always have limited success without eliminating the negative too.

I find it useful to eliminate the news from my life—I found that watching it caused me to see the world with so much more fear and negativity.

That’s not to say I turn a blind eye to that which is happening in the world, but instead I choose to ignore the negative slander that the news puts on everything.

Look at your own day and try to figure out what you can take out. What needs pruning?

What routines or habits have you got that add
nothing to your life—or worse, which ones actually have a negative effect?

Maybe you find the traffic always leaves you angry on the way to work, so search for a different route instead.

The road through the countryside may take
you longer, but if it inspires you more and leaves you more positive, then it’s time well spent.

Take the time to notice the other stressors in your life.

Which of these can you remove completely?

And if you can’t remove them, how can you reduce their impact?

Life is short.

We all have a limited time here, so it’s so important that we’re deliberate in how we use it.

That means being intentional and designing our lives to leave us as happy and fulfilled as possible.

Don’t leave that up that chance.

Enjoy your little moments;when these litlle moments add up in your lifetime,you will look back and say;” I lived a “great life” in my little moments!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Random Thoughts

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Do you enjoy sipping your strong tea like I do?

In modern society most of us don’t want to be in touch with ourselves; we want to be in touch with other things like religion,sports, politics, a book – we want to forget ourselves.

Anytime we have leisure, we want to invite something else to enter us,opening ourselves to the television and telling the television to
come and colonise us

Anxiety, the illness of our time, comes primarily from our inability to dwell in the present moment.

You must be completely awake in the present to enjoy the tea.

Only in the awareness of the present, can your hands feel the pleasant warmth of the cup.

Only in the present, can you savour the aroma, taste the sweetness, appreciate the delicacy.

If you are ruminating about the past, or worrying about the future, you will completely miss the experience of enjoying the cup of tea.

You will look down at the cup, and the tea will be gone.

Life is like that.

If you are not fully present, you will look around and it will be gone.

You will have missed the feel, the aroma, the delicacy and beauty of life.

It will seem to be speeding past you.

The past is finished.

Learn from it and let it go.

The future is not even here yet.

Plan for it, but do not waste your time worrying about it.

Worrying is worthless.

When you stop ruminating about what has already happened, when you stop worrying about what might never happen, then you will be in the present moment.

Then you will begin to experience joy in life.

As much as this was about tea,its modest aim is to teach us to savour the present moment.

From time to time, to remind ourselves to relax and be peaceful, we may wish to set aside some time for a retreat, a day of mindfulness, when we can walk slowly, smile, drink tea with a friend, enjoy being together as if we are the happiest people on Earth.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Giving up and letting go-are they one and the same thing?

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“Holding on is believing that there’s only a past;letting go is knowing that there’s a future”.

I want a lot of things in this life.

Some of them are things I imagine in passing it would be nice to have, but some of them are things I truly intend to obtain,in my mind,by all means.

In other words, for the things I truly desire, I am willing to work hard,humble myself, and sacrifice.

I sincerely intend to make them happen and will do whatever is within my power to make them happen.

And yet, while doing so has helped me successfully achieve many goals I have set in my
life, there are still things I want that I haven’t
gotten, despite having executed the strategy
described above.

Some of them are general life goals, some are fitness goals, and some are personal goals.

I understand that we only have so much time,
energy, and attention to devote to anything, which limits the number of goals we can meaningfully intend to achieve.

But sometimes it’s not a matter of me spreading
myself too thin or not setting aside the time to make the magic happen.

Sometimes I do everything “right,” but the prize just doesn’t come to pass.

Despite my best efforts and appropriate focus and intention, I don’t always get the results I want.

I don’t get to build the house I dreamed of.

I did everything right, but it doesn’t pan out.

It sucks.

But it’s part of being human.

Over time, I have realised when something like this happens, I have a choice: I can give up, or I can let go.

At first glance, the two may seem to be similar, because they both result in me acknowledging that what I wanted isn’t likely or definitely isn’t going to happen.

But there are some subtle yet significant differences.

Read on for an explanation of the distinctions
between giving up and letting go and for an
explanation of why they matter.

See if you agree with my belief that it is better to let go than to give up.

•Giving Up

When I give up, I decide it’s futile even to try anymore-at anything.

I decide there is a finite amount of satisfaction and fulfilment in the world, and now that
I’ve been thwarted in this goal, there is less of it for me to get.

The fact that someone else prevailed where I wanted to means they are standing in the way of my happiness.

So I start to dislike that person, and any person who might get any other thing I want, even if they worked as hard or harder.

I develop a sense of entitlement, and I don’t feel like working hard anymore, because what’s the use?

•Letting Go

When I let go, on the other hand, I make a point of remembering how good my life is, even without the thing I want.

I appreciate that the very process of pursuing what I wanted helped me make strides toward self-actualisation.

I recognise there might actually be some good to me not getting the thing I want.

Maybe I’m not ready, or maybe what I actually
wanted was something I thought only achieving my goal could give me, only now I’ve figured out I could get it in another way.

I redouble my efforts to work for the things I want, because I understand I will be a
better person for the effort no matter the outcome.

Now. Lest you think I sound contradictory, rest assured that in order for me to get to the letting go, I almost always first have to go through the giving up.

But ultimately, I am able to get there, albeit maybe after some wallowing and self-pity.

Another surprising outcome of the letting go
rather than the giving up is that sometimes it is
after I have let go that I finally do get the thing I want.

It seems it is only once I truly come to realize
that my life will be fine whether I get the thing or not, that I can be equally happy with or without it, that I’m in a position to appreciate the thing as part of the constellation of good things that make up my life, rather than putting the pressure on it that needing to have it does.

Put in a different way,giving up creates resentment out of a false sense of entitlement,while letting go is liberating in that,my happiness is not totally linked to the outcome of letting go.

Letting go somehow becomes a joyful loss to things that I should lose to create room for new and better things in my life.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My deepest respect is for that single girl who chooses to drink alone

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I’m some sort of an expert on Women.

I mean,that’s what you would call my pretence to understand women.

But I respect women.

Especially the confident single woman.

Picture this;

She walks in and perches herself on a stool, retrieves her phone from her handbag then leans over and hooks her purse under the counter.

She smiles at the barman and they have a brief conversation.

When she smiles you see a little crease at the corner of her eye.

Which means she is not a day under 34.

Plus her elbows tell a story.

They can hide their age with their lips and with their makeup, but their elbows will always tell the truth.

She, very flittingly, looks around then settles on the TV above.

She’s bedecked in a crisp white top with a greenish skirt that she might insist on calling lime.

She has hips, you can tell, by the way they spread out on that stool.

At the end of her endless long legs are these sexy dark-red high heels – the colour of
an ox’s heart.

Drinking ritual

Her drink is set before her; a frosty glass of white wine.

She mouths a “thank you” to the barman and sends him away with a gracious smile.

She holds the stem of her glass but doesn’t sip it immediately; she just holds it there, staring at it, as if she is saying a small prayer for God to bless the hearts of all the men who grow
grapes in the vast vineyards of Stellenbosch.

That ritual looks like how we treat our first double of whisky,or cold beer; with reverence, with occasion, with expectation.

Finally she brings the glass to her glistening lip-glossed lips and takes a small, delicate and almost cautious, sip.

Then there is that moment when her throat moves as she swallows.

And the whole room swallows with her.

She isn’t drop-dead gorgeous, this girl.

I suspect most drop-dead gorgeous women can’t bear to sit alone in bars, not because they will be hit on, but because that kind of beauty
brings with it loneliness.

This lady is average-looking, with an interesting face; a sort of angular face with a nicely curved jawline, flawless skin and eyes that sparkle with knowledge.

The kind of lady who you won’t have to explain to what Charlie Hebdo is.

Even though her beauty doesn’t jump right at you immediately, you can feel her confidence and charisma occupy the empty seat next to her.

Terrific personality

You can tell that she has a terrific personality by the way she sits with her back straight.

The way her chin remains upward.

The way she wears that look that is aloof but without being aggressively unfriendly at the same time.

She could be married or divorced, in a relationship or single,she could be a lesbian or a mother, or both, but what we know for a fact is what we can see; that she isn’t wearing a wedding band.

But even that could mean anything.

You can tell she has been around the block.

That all the innocence of her 20’s has been replaced with a hard-won cynicism in her 30s.

You can tell she has fought many fights, some small, others big.

She has fought men and she has fought women and she has lost some and won a few, but that all the wins didn’t give her as much pleasure as she imagined they would because they were about making a statement, not derivatives of
pleasure.

You can tell that at that age her circle of friends has grown smaller and smaller over time because she has continually appraised them and weeded out those who have become
baggage.

And she finds herself here, at this point of her life where she can come to a bar like this alone and order a drink because she doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone, least of all,herself.

You know she is alone, and isn’t waiting for anyone because she isn’t looking at the door, or her watch.

She isn’t on her phone to go on Facebook or Twitter because she is trying to kill time, to look engaged or distracted.

She is just happy to be alone.

With her thoughts.

With her drink.

With her time.

We are about five men on this particular bar counter and she is the only lady.

We have recognised her presence, all right,
even though she doesn’t seem to have recognised ours.

But I’m sure she might have because she is a woman, and they are subtle and alert.

I can bet if we asked her, she will tell us
what colour of socks all of us are wearing at that counter.

Including the barman.

That’s how women are with minutiae.

Because the bar we are in is those bars where we don’t assume a lone woman needs company, we don’t bother her.

Nobody sends her a drink.

Nobody ogles at her.

At this point we don’t even see her as a lady.

We don’t see her as a man either.

She is just one of us without being like us.

She’s the lone lady at the bar.

I’m forever fascinated by this type.

I always sit and wonder who they are, what they do, where they come from, the struggles they face, what they are thinking and I always play this game in my head where I profile them.

Show of poise

The lone lady at the bar is the type who manages to sit alone without looking lonely.

The type who you know doesn’t want your company, or your business card, or your lame opening lines.

And it’s sexy because it’s not even a show of independence; it’s a show of poise.

However, there is a difference between this girl and a high- class hooker.

While you might attempt to catch this girl’s eye,
the hooker will attempt to catch yours.

She will hold your gaze ever so briefly, then look away as if she is just too shy to look you in the eye.

Well, she isn’t shy at all.

She is a long-tailed fox.

But the lone lady at the bar decides how many glasses of whatever she is drinking she is going to consume and then she will run her card and get off her stool.

We will all watch her go, with a mixture of feelings: regret, thin-veiled admiration, fascination, wonder, lust…

It takes quite a woman to sit alone at a bar, amongst men, and not feel like she’s over her head.

To sit in the lair of men and command respect.

To buy her own drink and own her own space in that bar without drawing too much attention to her sex.

For that I raise our glass to you, because it’s sexy.

And just to be clear, sexiness is not a dress you wear.

Sexiness is how your presence wears a room.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My minimalist life,away from spotlight

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Under the Radar,Life was cold and everything was so damn complicated.

My heart was stuck in the middle, it
was so intimidated.

Every small move I made was watched
with sneer.

Every effort I made held with scepticism.

That’s what I used to be, but now, the
sorrows have disintegrated.

Out of radar,I guess now is the time for
me to show that I run fast, and suddenly I found everything quickly grows into a solid purpose.

But I’ll always remember a little man in
the afterglow of a lost race,trying to prove a thing or two to the world.

Well, that’s little me, covered by dust
not so long ago…from a fall that shook the ground around me.

Out of radar, maybe you’ll never know who I am.

Far away from the crowds, you might never
know who this man is.

Suddenly time goes by and here is
where I barely stand.

You’ll never know me now, I’ve ‘done all the best I can,
But still,it proves nothing to the world.

Nothing in my life,as I now realise,was meant to prove anything to the world;it was always meant to serve my self-centred interests.

In my heart,I know all my struggles and
small victories.

None in the world needs to declare me
a victor or a loser; It’s for my life that I live.

Out of radar,suddenly all the dust storms turn to gold, and once again these eyes of mine blink and blink again;this is the kind of life I’ve been wishing for!

The glory of a shining crown wipes away all my sorrows and tears.

Well, maybe I have lost everything in order to gain everything.

I’ve been dying before this, but you can
see that now I’m breathing.

On the radar, in the darkness of the
day, I drowned;

It’s like I was the worst thing on earth,
cynically the world frowned on me.

I’ve tried to be good, but then mercilessly,life on spotlight always brought me down.

But look at me now and see who’s finally got the crown!

Out of radar, I’ve been up and down in
this long journey of life.

Been trying to be anything else but
then realize it’s not me.

All the miseries have gone and the
pain has turned to history.

Slowly but sure, I finally found the
right person who to be;I want to be out
of everyone’s radar.

…Coz that’s the only way I can be that
person that I want to be; And that is to be Myself.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Flying Solo: Loneliness is the price we pay for our personal freedom

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“Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep, it’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes:
and leap…and if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free…”~Soundtrack lyrics from the Movie “Wicked”

I personally, think one of the highest prices of
freedom is loneliness.

Being LONELY, just typing that word makes it feel like whining.

No one likes to admit it. I hate it, but it’s true.

They say, stand up for what you believe in, even if you’re standing alone.

“They” (whoever they are) weren’t kidding.

When we were 20something,we were all striving to find that place and find what it is we’re supposed to be standing up for and when we get the gumption to stand up, sometimes we find that we really are standing alone.

Sometimes that feeling of loneliness can be
overwhelming!

It can engulf our mood and be a catalyst for a what-is-wrong-with-me pity party that we all tend to throw occasionally for ourselves.

But isn’t that what we want?

Isn’t “being on our own” the goal?

Well yes, but we didn’t want to feel ALONE while we’re out enjoying being independent and free.

We fought for our intellectual, financial and personal independence… so why are we whining about it?

I’ll tell you, because while we forged forward we
forget the price and the bottom line… loneliness
hurts!

So when that feeling hit us, do we sit down?

Do we retreat home, back to the comfort zone?

HECK, NO!

We work thorough it and we keep going
forward.

As a child, “The Wizard of Oz” was my all-time favourite movie.

I watched it so many times I wore the VHS out.

(I know the young things today will never understand the true magnitude of that statement, because they never watched tapes, they only understand DVR or DVD, but for us 40soemthings and above, I know you can
appreciate that)

I loved that movie. (I also attribute my fear of
thunderstorms to that movie.)
Anyhow, to see “Wicked” for my 50th birthday was amazing.

I sat wide-eyed soaking in every moment.

Wicked explained a lot of the “why” questions that arose for me as a child while watching the Wizard of Oz.

Why is the witch so mean, why is the lion a
coward, why is the scarecrow a fool?

You know all that stuff.

It explained the back-story of the characters
and the “price” they paid to get to where they are.

There is a breaking point for the Wicked Witch, (who P.S is NOT so wicked) and she decides to take the road less travelled.

In this scene, her character is depicted as a 20something and I thought the lyrics
were very appropriate;

“Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep, it’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes:
and leap…and if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free…”

I loved those lyrics.

I ran out and bought the soundtrack at a local music store,”Assanads of Moi Avenue,Nairobi” (which was insanely overpriced and I could have bought from street vendors for ½ the price.)

However, I bought it because that song
spoke to our generation and where we are in our lives.

It leaves out any visions of grandeur of yellow
brick roads and gets right to the truth- that…there comes a point when we break away, from family, friends, old habits, old routines and stand on the brink of our lives and are faced with a decision—we either leap or not.

Before we take the plunge, we think about the price, we think about the ramifications of our actions.

Could we fail?

Could we get our hearts broken?

Can we get our spirit broken?

Will we lose faith in our dreams, or worse, ourselves?

Will we lose touch with friends or an old love?

Will we regret it?

Will we end up alone?

We run a million questions through our head, we think about the price of freedom and independence, the things we have been avoiding while we worked to get to this point.

But now we’re here on the edge, so what do you do?

Run back to what you know or close your eyes and take a leap of faith into your personal freedom?

We survived high school, in some cases college
and now we are adults.

We have made tons of mistakes at all points in our lives.

But from mistakes comes wisdom and experience.

We have to mess up to keep figuring it all out.

But, the only way to move forward is to close your eyes and leap onto the next.

Leave the questions, the past mistakes and the
doubts behind.

Hold onto the reality that it won’t be all rainbows and sunshine.

That sometimes… you’re flying solo, fighting off the feeling of loneliness, but remember; at least you’re flying.

Loneliness is a funny thing… you can sit in an
apartment 2 hours from home and feel it, but it can also follow you to a crowded bar and still make you feel like you’re on your own.

But shake it off!

That crappy “alone” feeling will pass and when it does, we will be happy that we didn’t sacrifice our fight for intellectual, financial and
personal independence.

Loneliness is the price we pay for our freedom!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A New Year Resolution for my neighbour~please buy a new bed!

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There is something I have been meaning to get off my chest for the last three years, but for some reason, whenever I sit down to write about it, I end up writing about something else.

This time round, however, nothing will derail me, so allow me to tell you what happened to me many years ago.

A squeaky bed is quite irritating and awkward.

You don’t have to alert your neighbours every time you are engaging in bedroom gym activities.
I was only two months into my first job after college when I moved into a new flat.

I was not enthusiastic about the move — if you have ever moved house, you know how hectic it is, it can be a headache-inducing affair.

However, the move was absolutely necessary; therefore I grinned and took it like a man — at least the flats were new, so we would not have to go through the unpleasant job of scrubbing and sterilising the toilet and bathroom.

Like any other reasonable co-tenant in an apartment, I would mute the TV, radio, and anything else that needed muting after 10.00pm in the night.

I also closed the windows, and abstained from opening the kitchen or bathroom tap, tiptoe, and open doors in slow motion. Yes,but I now see it; I was a difficult person to live with then …

Anyway, I managed to move without breaking a glass, and by evening, all the necessary items had been unpacked and put in their respective place.

Poor me!I was so exhausted; I must have fallen into a deep dreamless slumber a second after dropping into my bed — only for loud screeching and thumping to rudely wake me up about three hours later.

In my confusion, I thought someone had broken into the house, but once the cobwebs of sleep cleared, I realised that the commotion was coming from somewhere above me.

A few more seconds of the rude sounds and it finally dawned on me that my bedroom ceiling was someone else’s bedroom floor.

What is the standard furniture in bedrooms — beds and wardrobes, right?

Since we do not sleep in wardrobes, then you know what was making those ungodly noises at 3a.m…

I almost wept with frustration, because I knew there was no way I could go back to sleep with all that commotion, but even worse, because I knew that it was just a matter of time before that rocking bed planted sinful thoughts into my “innocent” mind.

Sure enough, it did, and my dear sleep was gone,for eternity till dawn.

Dear readers, the creaking bed upstairs had mercy on me about 20 minutes later (not that I was counting) and by then, I was ready to storm upstairs and haul the randy couple out of
bed.

It took me no less than two hours to go back to sleep, but by then, my neighbours were getting up, so there was a lot of slamming of doors and
footsteps moving back and forth.

The following night, the affectionate couple was at it again at 3 a.m., and the routine of me and my irritable son was repeated once again.

Though I was tempted several times, I restrained myself from marching upstairs to tell my active neighbours to buy a new
bed. Instead, I embarked on looking for another house to rent in earnest.

By the end of that month; I was out of there, hopeful that my next upstairs neighbours had a firmer bed.

Lucky for me, they did.

My fellow Kenyans, when someone mentions the word investment, most of us picture farms,plots and rental houses.

I beseech you, whatever big project you plan to invest your hard-earned money on this year, if your bed groans whenever you turn, and you live in a flat, please, first invest in a new bed, a firm bed — you could just have preserved the sanity of a lonely and unattached single man downstairs!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A New Year,an old-fashioned sort of loving!

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I used to have a great time dating, but somehow things feel quite different now.

In my20s, every relationship was exciting.

But that’s changed.

Somehow far fewer women fit my needs nowadays.

Maybe I’m getting pickier?

Could that be it?

Dating used to be all about fun; being with someone where I felt a spark.

Compatible could wait.

Now I want more stability.

Even if I still feel it’s too soon to commit, I
want someone I can have a peaceful future with.

Someone who has their life held together nicely.
Who is responsible and reliable.

It used to be I just wanted someone hot and sexy.

Instant passion.

Looks were everything.

Now I want character.

Someone who’ll help me to be a better person.

And desire that lasts.

Now I won’t sleep with someone until I’m
sure I know exactly what I want in her bed, and not just how to get it.

In the past,having similar interests was enough.
Now I need compatible life- goals.

I used to be happy if someone treated me nicely.
Now I want someone who goes on caring, long after the first few heady weeks of falling in love.

It used to be that all I wanted was someone to love.

Now I want someone who knows how to love me.

And who can cope with all my crazy habits and shortcomings.

Years ago, I would probably have given an ex another chance.

I wouldn’t now, because I’ve realised there’s
always an important reason that can’t be fixed when a relationship fails,even once,even for a trivial reason.

I’M TIRED OF DRAMA

I used to want someone who would make me happy.

But now that’s not enough.

I need someone who consistently shows they appreciate my presence in their life, who doesn’t start taking me for granted.

I’ve learned that neither great beauty,nor chemistry on a date means joy in the bedroom.

Just because our communication is
totally synchronised, doesn’t mean our bodies will be.

I’ve grown tired of drama.

My date’s jealousy or temper doesn’t necessarily show their love,but most probably their psychopath tendencies.

It shows they’re incapable of having a healthy relationship.

I’ve grown tired of flaky behaviour — like saying they’ll call and then they don’t.

Or lending them money and never ever getting it back.

Or being hard on my waiter — one day that will be me on the receiving end.

I can tell a lot about someone by the way they interact with people in the service industries.

I’ve discovered that the truth really matters.

That saying exactly how I see things, right from the beginning, is what creates genuine attraction.

And that it’s honesty that builds that attraction into a solid relationship.

So yes, I’m pickier.

My interests and values have changed, and my goals and interests become more deeply defined.

Now I know what really matters.

And realise that love is elusive, dreams don’t come true, and nothing in life works out
quite as you planned.

And that’s actually a much more solid base on which to build a relationship.

One that will sustain me through years of joy
and happiness right into my ripe old age.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Dont be the one to beat yourself down this new year!

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tibetan monk self-immolation photo

tibetan monk self-immolation photo

If you keep on scrubbing your life to make it perfectly clean of all human errors,faux paus,mistakes and wrong judgements,you will never be left with enough time to live it.

long pencil stem,short eraser end photo

long pencil stem,short eraser end photo

The reason that a pencil has a very short
eraser end and longer stem is that,you are not
expected to erase everything you write,even when it is bound to be “all wrong” sometimes.

The same thing applies to life~there is not enough time to correct all the mistakes you have made in your life,in just one lifetime!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

This is where life lives, in the little moments

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Over the years I’ve learned dozens of little tricks and insights for making life more fulfilling.

They’ve added up to a significant improvement in the ease and quality of my day-to-day life.

I call them;the little moments where life actually lives.

But the major breakthroughs have come from a handful of insights that completely rocked my world and redefined reality forever.

The world now seems to be a completely different one than the one I lived in about ten years ago, when I started looking into the mechanics of quality of life through Buddhist meditation.

It wasn’t the world (and its people) that changed really, it was how I thought of it.

Maybe you’ve had some of the same insights.

Or maybe you’re about to.

• You are not your mind.

The first time I heard somebody say that, I didn’t like the sound of it one bit. What else could I be?

I had taken for granted that the mental chatter in my head was the central “me” that all the experiences in my life were happening to.

I see quite clearly now that life is nothing but passing experiences, and my thoughts are just one more category of things I experience.

Thoughts are no more fundamental than smells, sights and sounds.

Like any experience, they arise in my awareness, they have a certain texture, and then they give way to something else.

If you can observe your thoughts just like you can observe other objects, who’s doing the observing?

Don’t answer too quickly.

This question, and its unspeakable answer, are at the centre of all the great religions and spiritual traditions.

• Life unfolds only in little moments.

Of course! I once called this the most important thing I ever learned.

Nobody has ever experienced anything that wasn’t part of a single moment unfolding.

That means life’s only challenge is dealing
with the single moment you are having right now.

Before I recognised this, I was constantly trying to solve my entire life — battling problems that weren’t actually happening.

Anyone can summon the resolve to deal with a single, present moment, as long as they are truly aware that it’s their only point of contact with life, and therefore there is nothing else one can do that can possibly be useful.

Nobody can deal with the past or future, because, both only exist as thoughts, in the present.

But we can kill ourselves trying.

• Quality of life is determined by how you deal
with your moments, not which moments happen
and which don’t.

I now consider this truth to be Happiness 101, but it’s amazing how tempting it still is to grasp at control of every circumstance to try to make sure I get exactly what I want.

To encounter an undesirable situation and work with it willingly is the mark of a wise and
happy person.

Imagine getting a flat tire, falling ill at a bad time, or knocking something over and breaking
it — and suffering nothing from it.

There is nothing to fear if you agree with yourself to deal willingly with adversity whenever it does show up.

That is how to make life better.

The typical, low-leverage method is to hope that you eventually accumulate power over your circumstances so that you can get what you
want more often.

There’s an excellent line in a Modest Mouse song, celebrating this side-effect of wisdom: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.

• Most of life is imaginary.

Human beings have a habit of compulsive thinking that is so pervasive that we lose sight of the fact that we are nearly always thinking.

Most of what we interact with is not the world itself, but our beliefs about it, our expectations of it, and our personal interests in it.

We have a very difficult time observing
something without confusing it with the thoughts we have about it, and so the bulk of what we experience in life is imaginary things.

As Mark Twain said: “I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”

The best treatment I’ve found?

Cultivating a free-flow mindfulness.

• Human beings have evolved to suffer, and we
are better at suffering than anything else.

Heck. It doesn’t sound like a very liberating discovery.

I used to believe that if I was suffering it meant that there was something wrong with me — that I was doing life “wrong.”

Suffering is completely human and completely normal, and there is a very good reason for its existence.

Life’s persistent background hum of “this isn’t quite okay, I need to improve this,”coupled with occasional intense flashes of horror and adrenaline are what kept human beings alive for millions of years.

This urge to change or escape the present moment drives nearly all of our behaviour.

It’s a simple and ruthless survival mechanism which works exceedingly well for keeping us alive, but it has a horrific side effect: human beings suffer greatly by their very nature.

This, for me, redefined every one of
life’s problems as some tendrils of the human
condition.

As grim as it sounds, this insight is liberating because it means:
1) that suffering does not necessarily mean my life is going wrong,
2) that the ball is always in my court, so the degree to which I suffer is ultimately up to me, and
3) that all problems have the same cause and the same solution.

• Emotions exist to make us biased.

This discovery was a complete 180 from my old
understanding of emotions.

I used to think my emotions were reliable indicators of the state of my life — of whether I’m on the right track or not.

Your passing emotional states can’t be trusted for measuring your self-worth or your position in life, but they are great at teaching you what it is you can’t let go of.

The trouble is that emotions make us both
more biased and more forceful at the same time.

Another survival mechanism with nasty side-effects.

• All people operate from the same two
motivations: to fulfil their desires and to escape
their own suffering.

Learning this allowed me to finally make sense of how people can hurt each other so badly.

The best explanation I had before this was that some people are just bad.

What a mis-thought.

No matter what kind of behaviour other people exhibit, they are acting in the most effective way they are capable of (at that moment) to fulfil a desire or to relieve their own suffering.

These are motives we can all understand;
we only vary in method, and the methods each of us has at our disposal depend on our upbringing and our experiences in life, as well as our state of consciousness.

Some methods are skillful and helpful
to others, others are un skillful and destructive, and almost all destructive behaviour is unconscious.

So there is no good and evil people by nature, only smart and dumb (or wise and foolish.)

Understanding this completely shook my long-held notions of morality and justice.

• Beliefs are nothing to be proud of,not unless they are the right beliefs.

Believing something is not an accomplishment.

I grew up thinking that beliefs are something to be proud of, but they’re really nothing but opinions one refuses to reconsider.

Beliefs are easy.

The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because “strength of belief” is only the intensity with which you resist questioning yourself.

As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you’ve made it a part of your ego.

Listen to any “die-hard” conservative or liberal talk about their deepest beliefs and you are listening to somebody who will never hear what you say on any matter that matters to them — unless you believe the same.

It is gratifying to speak forcefully, it is gratifying to be agreed with, and this high is what the die-hards are chasing.

Wherever there is a belief, there is a closed
door.

Take on the beliefs that stand up to your most
honest, humble scrutiny, and never be afraid to lose them.

• Objectivity is subjective.

Life is a subjective experience and that cannot be escaped.

Every experience I have comes through my
own, personal, un-sharable viewpoint.

There can be no peer reviews of my direct experience, no real corroboration.

This has some major implications for
how I live my life.

The most immediate one is that I realize I must trust my own personal experience, because nobody else has this angle, and I only have
this angle.

Another is that I feel more wonder for the
world around me, knowing that any “objective”
understanding I claim to have of the world is built entirely from scratch, by me.

What I do build depends on the books I’ve read, the people I’ve met, and the experiences I’ve had.

It means I will never see the world quite like anyone else, which means I will never live in quite the same world as anyone else — and therefore I mustn’t let outside observers be
the authority on who I am or what life is really like for me.

Subjectivity is primary experience — it is real
life, and objectivity is something each of us builds on top of it in our minds, privately, in order to explain it all.

This truth has world-shattering implications for
the roles of religion and science in the lives of those who grasp it.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

One good deed at a time, and today’s despair slowly transforms itself into tomorrow’s hope

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“Happiness is not a destination where, upon
arrival, we get to unpack our bags and stay forever.
Happiness is just one of many “rest stops” on the highway of life”.

Approaching our shame with loving curiosity
eventually reduces shame’s need to manifest itself in ways that don’t serve us.

If you have been spending more than your fair
share of time at the rest stops of shame and
despair, I urge you to consider asking yourself how you can bring to the world the change you wish to see.

Healing can be found in unexpected places when we embody the change we hope to see.

A few years back, I saw a sticker that read, “Be the change you wish to see in the world. –Gandhi.”

My knee-jerk reaction was annoyance because the sticker was affixed to the bumper of a car that turned right in front of me.

I was in the middle of a long stretch of bad days, so pretty much anything
would have set me off.

My search for happiness during that bleak period seemed fruitless, most likely because I didn’t know that happiness is not a destination where, upon arrival, we get to unpack our bags and stay forever.

Happiness is just one of many “rest stops” on the highway of life.

After ending a toxic marriage, I was spending an inordinate amount of time at the
rest stop of shame.

Not only had I allowed myself to stay in a
relationship with someone who treated me poorly, I felt like a failure when the marriage
ended.

Seems I had special talent for beating
myself up, both coming and going.

Each one of our feelings speaks to us in its own
unique voice.

For me, shame sounded like, “You’re
a loser!” or “You’re boring!” or, my personal
favourite, “No one will ever love you again!”

The voices of our feelings can tell us things that feel true but, in fact, are not true.

When I heard the voice of shame, it took everything in my power to fight the urge to isolate from a world I was convinced I didn’t deserve to be part of.

The world seemed pretty dark at the time and I
worried I would never find the light again. (This is what hopelessness sounds like, by the way.)

It was at precisely this time that Gandhi’s
words came along, disguised as an obstacle in
my path.

Seeing those words reminded me that we cannot control how we feel; we can only control what we do with how we feel.

While I could not control shame, I could control
how small I allowed it to make my world.

I had no idea how to “make” myself happy, but I was desperate to try anything.

I decided to conduct a little social experiment to test Gandhi’s words.

Because I wanted to transform shame into
happiness, despair into love, it was up to me to
sprinkle happiness and love into the world.

Just as rest stops are meant to come and go, so
is happiness.

We recognise a feeling in our conscious field, stretch into that feeling for as long as needed, and, eventually, get back in the car and “drive” until the next one comes along.

Of course, there are other stops along the highway as well: loneliness, excitement, hope, anger, longing, etc.

I challenged myself to perform at least one good
deed per week.

The good deed could be any action, small or large, as long as the net result would put
more positive energy into the world.

I wasn’t feeling too positively energetic at the time, so a week seemed plenty of time to do at least one small thing. (After all, starting from ground zero, there was nowhere to go but upward.)

Once the goal was set, I noticed a slight positive
shift in perspective.

I was no longer wondering what in the world could make the pain stop, I was asking myself what I could do to bring more love into the world,my world,to be more precise,because I believe the rest of the world was still full of love.

The experiment began.

If I appreciated something about someone, I went out of my way to tell them.

If I knew someone who was struggling and needed a sympathetic ear, I called and listened.

If I saw a piece of trash on the sidewalk, I picked it up and put it right back into the trash can.

A friend needed help redesigning her IT department in her office, so I did it.

Momentum didn’t take long to build, so I quickly bumped the target up to three thoughtful deeds per week.

Augmenting the goal brought with it another
noticeable shift in my world view: a significant
uptick in the compassion.

This was encouraging.

If a car turned right in front of me, I told myself the driver was probably lost and needed help; if
someone was rude at the grocery store, I assumed they were having a bad day and needed extra patience; if I screwed something up, I spoke nicely and encouragingly to myself.

I began to believe—I mean in-my-core believe—
that all human beings, even those who hurt us,
are deserving of love and compassion.

It’s been almost seven years since my Thoughtful Deed Project started.

I am happy to report the shame that once felt like a constant companion has given way to greater connectedness with the people around me (whether they are trusted friends or complete strangers) and with myself.

Overall, thankfully, I spend less time in despair and more time in contentment.

It hasn’t been all wine and parties since I started the project—shame still shows up on the highway from time to time.

The difference is, where I once would
have addressed the voice of shame with harshness and criticism, I now speak to it in a kinder, gentler voice; as if I were a child in pain.

Approaching our shame with loving curiosity
eventually reduces shame’s need to manifest itself in ways that don’t serve us.

Inside each of us is a deep well of love, patiently awaiting our own recognition.

Mindful acts of kindness and compassion, however large or small, are the portals to this love.

The voice of shame may try to convince you that
you cannot do it.

Shame lies; don’t believe it.

It is easy to overlook the gifts we can offer the
world, just by showing up and giving of ourselves.

Perhaps there is someone in your life who could
benefit from a pair of good ears and strong
shoulders; a park in your neighbourhood that could use a little clean sweep; an overdue birthday card that needs a stamp.

Start small and, if you feel inspired, work your way up from there.

Shame can be stubborn and may stick around
for a while, and that is okay.

It is when we are visiting the rest stop of shame that we are most worthy of our own loving support.

When you feel the darkness, gently remind yourself that this is where you are right now; it is not who you are for always.

Feelings are temporary—the next one will come
along eventually.

In the meantime, remind yourself that you are doing everything in your power to put loving energy into the world; this is enough.

Healing can be found in unexpected places when we embody the change we hope to see.

Acting in service of bringing love and light into the world helps us find the love and light within
ourselves.

One good deed at a time, and today’s despair
slowly transforms itself into tomorrow’s hope.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Letting go is a catharsis for a troubled soul

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letting go is  tipping the balance in your favour

letting go is tipping the balance in your favour

If we contemplate desires and
listen to them, we are actually
no longer attaching to them; we
are just allowing them to be the
way they are.

Then we come to
the realisation that the origin of
suffering, desire, can be laid
aside and let go of.

How do you let go of things?

If you let go a little you will have a little happiness.

If you let go a lot you will have a lot of
happiness.

If you let go completely you will be totally happy and free too!

This means you leave them as
they are; it does not mean you
annihilate them or throw them
away.

It is more like setting
down and letting them be.

Through the practice of letting
go we realise that there is the
origin of suffering, which is the
attachment to desire, and we
realise that we should let go of
these three kinds of desire.

Then we realise that we have let go of
these desires; there is no longer
any attachment to them.

When you find yourself
attached, remember that ‘letting
go’ is not ‘getting rid of’ or
‘throwing away’.

If I’m holding onto this clock and you say, ‘Let
go of it!’, that doesn’t mean
‘throw it out’.

I might think that I
have to throw it away because
I’m attached to it, but that would
just be the desire to get rid of it.

We tend to think that getting rid
of the object is a way of getting
rid of attachment.

But if I can
contemplate attachment, this
grasping of the clock, I realise
that there is no point in getting
rid of it – it’s a good clock; it
keeps good time and is not
heavy to carry around.

The clock
is not the problem.

The problem
is grasping the clock.

So what do
I do?

Let it go, lay it aside – put it
down gently without any kind of
aversion.

Then I can pick it up
again, see what time it is and lay
it aside when necessary.

You can apply this insight into
‘letting go’ to the desire for
sense pleasures.

Maybe you
want to have a lot of fun.

How would you lay aside that desire
without any aversion?

Simply. recognise the desire without
judging it.

You can contemplate
wanting to get rid of it – because
you feel guilty about having such
a foolish desire – but just lay it
aside.

Then, when you see it as
it is, recognising that it’s just
desire, you are no longer
attached to it.

So the way is always working
with the moments of daily life.

When you are feeling depressed
and negative, just the moment
that you refuse to indulge in that
feeling is an enlightenment
experience.

When you see that,
you need not sink into the sea of
depression and despair and
wallow in it.

You can actually
stop by learning not to give
things a second thought.

You have to find this out
through practice so that you will
know for yourself how to let go
of the origin of suffering.

Can you let go of desire by wanting
to let go of it?

What is it that is
really letting go in a given
moment?

You have to
contemplate the experience of
letting go and really examine
and investigate until the insight
comes.

Keep with it until that
insight comes: ‘Ah, letting go,
yes, now I understand.

Desire is being let go of.’

This does not
mean that you are going to let
go of desire forever but, at that
one moment, you actually have
let go and you have done it in
full conscious awareness.

There is an insight then.

This is what
we call insight knowledge.

In Pali,a transcendial level in buddhist meditation, we call it nanadassana or
profound understanding.

I had my first insight into letting
go in my first year of meditation.

I figured out intellectually that
you had to let go of everything
and then I thought: ‘How do you
let go?’

It seemed impossible to
let go of anything.

I kept on
contemplating: ‘How do you let
go?’

Then I would say, ‘You let go
by letting go.’ ‘Well then, let go!’

Then I would say:
‘But have I let go yet?’ and, ‘How
do you let go?’ ‘Well just let go!’

I went on like that, getting more
frustrated.

But eventually it
became obvious what was
happening.

If you try to analyse
letting go in detail, you get
caught up in making it very
complicated.

It was not
something that you could figure
out in words any more, but
something you actually did.

So I. just let go for a moment, just
like that.

Now with personal problems
and obsessions, to let go of
them is just that much.

It is not
a matter of analysing and
endlessly making more of a
problem about them, but of
practising that state of leaving
things alone, letting go of them.

At first, you let go but then you
pick them up again because the
habit of grasping is so strong.

But at least you have the idea.

Even when I had that insight into
letting go, I let go for a moment
but then I started grasping by
thinking: ‘I can’t do it, I have so
many bad habits!’

But don’t trust
that kind of nagging, disparaging
thing in yourself.

It is totally
untrustworthy.

It is just a matter
of practising letting go.

The more you begin to see how to
do it, then the more you are
able to sustain the state of non-
attachment.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

What’s better than freedom!

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I'm now a truly  free man

I’m now a truly free man

The chains have been broken
I’m no longer oppressed
Free from my burdens
No longer depressed
Took long to figure out
where I want to be
Too long to figure out
that I had the only key
Ropes are gone
the gate is open
Open to the ocean
open to the mountain
Finally I run
wild and free
Grass plains and open ground
as far as I can see
This world of warmth
colours explode
From my cage
black, grey and cold
A kind word resounds
loud in my ears
A warm touch to ease
all my doubts and fears
I see you calling
for me to return
My absence from you
your cause for concern
But I will continue
free I will run
Straight to the warmth
of the ever present sun
So go find yourself
a new “someone”
Because this is all mine
my personal freedom

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Things I’ve learnt from Jaffa, my cat….

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•When life is hard, then take a long nap.

•It’s okay to one day ignore people,then the next day, annoy them.

•When in doubt,cultivate an indifferent attitude.

•Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours of your time trying to unravel an ‘obvious’ mystery.

•Climb your way to the top by all means, that’s why the drapes and curtains are there in the house.

•Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone’s face.

•If you’re not receiving enough attention,
try knocking over several expensive lamps and chinaware.

•Make your mark in the world or at least spray your pee in each corner of the room.

•When you go out into the world, remember:
being placed on a pedestal is your right, not a privilege.

•You can sleep anywhere, on any table, any chair,top of piano, window-ledge, in the middle, on the Master’s bed,just about anywhere….
open drawers, empty shoe, or just on anybody’s lap;every place on earth will do,’cause well,the world is your bedroom!

•And don’t bother anyone,unless you are hungry or thirsty….!

•And you don’t have to take orders from your boss,unless he is holding goodies that you can see with your own eyes,otherwise,just ignore all other forms of patronising sweet-talks and promises!

Thank you Jaffa,for making me the most anti-social person that have ever lived,and regal too!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

I want a love so deep it’d make the ocean jealous

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God, my deliberate solitude feels so good, but lately I’ve craving something more, something deeper.

I want love
But not just any kind of Love, no,
I want a love so deep it’d make the ocean jealous.

But I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my
solitude.

You must love me for everything I’m worth
and then more.

Start with my eyes, look into them like you want to know all the good, bad, and anything beyond.

From my eyes go to my mind, love me for everything I know and love me just as much to teach me what I do not.

Hold me in your arms, and love me for everything I am, from my strengths to my weaknesses, and even the scars that others have left behind.

But tell me if you’re not up for it…Not that you don’t want me but rather you can’t handle me.

And please don’t say, “I won’t be like those other girls and break your heart.”

You see my solitude has always been sweet, and
during that time I learned to love myself before I could learn to love anyone else.

Give me the love that I’ve been craving, make the ocean jealous.

Fall for my eyes without knowing me
just yet.

And then kiss me like you want to be loved just as much.

Remember that I want to be loved as deep as the ocean, but remember that I am like the ocean-
I can slip through your fingers, but manage to hold up an army of ships.

Kiss me, hold me, love me, but tell me if you’re not up for it.

I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude

I want a love so deep….or just like I’ve done many times in my life,I just want to be alone this Christmas one more time,till eternity comes!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Small moments to live for in your life this Christmas season

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None of these things are grand or profound, and that’s the whole point. I believe that life becomes happier and so much more special if we start to enjoy the little things.

Bring Out the Child in you and regain that carefree nature of childhood when you are older.

Go ahead, do something silly and have a good laugh!

Be Grateful for What You Already Have
’cause so much in life that we take for granted that many can only dream of.

Do you have time for hobbies?

I used to feel that I didn’t, until I figured that a hobby does not require half an hour a day. Five minutes is enough.

Take Care of Yourself too.
You might be giving time to your work, your
ambitions, and your family. Are you taking good care of yourself?

Love Yourself!

Before I felt that I had enough in life, I had to love myself enough.

Do Something for Someone Else.
Giving creates a feeling of abundance like few other things do.

Pamper Your Senses….and
No, you don’t need to go to a spa!

Let’s remember how fortunate we are when we experience these ordinary moments.

1. Watch the leaves fall on a windy day.
2. Wake up early and listen to the silence.
3. Look at the clouds and try to find shapes and
maybe even faces.
4. Listen to the birds chirping.
5. Check out some breathtaking photos on National Geographic.
6. Watch a butterfly flutter away.
7. Listen to the thunder on a rainy day.
8. Sit on a park bench and enjoy the greenery.
9. Walk barefoot on grass.
10. Enjoy drinking a glass of water. Eight hundred million people in the world do not have access to clean water.
11. Be grateful for the food on your plate. Over
eight hundred million people do not get enough to eat.
12. Be grateful for the people in your life.
13. Just be grateful that you are alive.
14. Think of ten other things you are grateful for.
15. Read an Archie comic book.
16. Blow soap bubbles.
17. Catch snowflakes with your tongue.
18. Take a walk in the rain.
19. Lick a fast melting ice-cream.
20. Practice your Kung Fu moves or air guitar in front of the mirror!
21. Play a song on your guitar (or any instrument).
22. Listen to a song you love. (Keep a playlist in
your phone).
23. Better still, sing aloud.
24. Learn a new dance move from YouTube.
25. Capture an urban scene with your camera
phone.
26. Read your favourite part from that novel you really love.
27. Read a new book for just five minutes before you go to bed.
28. Exercise for just five minutes—skip rope, jog,
do five pushups and squats. Exercise releases
endorphins, which make you happier.
29. Relish a delicious serving of fruits.
30. Pen down your thoughts in a journal.
31. Tidy up a corner of your house.
32. Mediate for five minutes.
33. Think of five things that you love about who you
are as a person.
34. Every night before going to bed, think of at least
one thing you achieved on that day, however small
or insignificant it might seem.
35. Give yourself a hug. (It works.)
36. Feed a stray dog or cat.
37. Help a neighbor with an errand.
38. Help out a co-worker with your expertise.
39. Send flowers and a card to that relative you
haven’t spoken to in years.
Connect with People
Work was an excuse for me to not find time for my
loved ones. Does it really take much to cherish
these relationships?
40. Call a friend and say hello. (Don’t text!)
41. Cuddle with your partner in the morning.
42. Call your parents.
43. Remember a happy moment with your loved
ones.
44. Forgive someone for a small offence. (This
makes it easier to forgive people for the big
offences.)
45. Apologise to someone.
46. Look at old pictures that bring back memories.
47. Slowly sip a good cappuccino.
48. Listen to the sound of an ocean track (on the
internet).
49. Sit in the sun (on your terrace or backyard).
50. Light aroma candles or incense sticks, like
lavender or lemon grass.
51. Feel the wind in your hair as you drive.
52. Enjoy your Christmas time as you used to do in your childhood days by bringing back the magic of small moments in your life!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

This is the real you!

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Each of our actions, our words, our attitudes is cut off from the ‘world,’ from the people who have not directly perceived it, by a medium the permeability of which is of infinite variation and remains unknown to ourselves; having learned by experience that some important utterance which we eagerly hoped would be disseminated … has found itself, often simply on account of our anxiety, immediately hidden under a bushel, how immeasurably less do we suppose that some tiny word, which we ourselves have forgotten, or else a word never uttered by us but formed on its course by the imperfect refraction of a different word, can be transported without ever halting for any obstacle to infinite distances … and succeed in diverting at
our expense the banquet of the gods.

What we actually recall of our conduct remains unknown to our nearest neighbor; what we have forgotten that we ever said, or indeed what we never did say, flies to provoke hilarity even in another planet, and the image that other people form of our actions and behaviour is no more like that which we form of them ourselves, than is like an original drawing a spoiled copy in which, at one point, for a black line, we find
an empty gap, and for a blank space an
unaccountable contour.

It may be, all the same, that what has not been transcribed is some non-existent feature, which we behold, merely in our purely-blind self-esteem, and that what seems to us added is
indeed a part of ourselves, but so essential a part as to have escaped our notice.

So that this strange print which seems to us to have so little resemblance to ourselves bears sometimes the same stamp of truth,scarcely flattering, indeed, but profound and useful,
as a photograph taken by X-rays.

Not that there is any reason why we should recognise ourselves in it.

A man who is in the habit of smiling in the glass at his handsome face and stalwart figure, if you show him their X-Ray radiograph, will have come face to face with that rosary of bones, labelled as being the image of himself, the same suspicion of error as the visitor to an art gallery who, on coming to the portrait of a girl, reads in his catalogue: “Dromedary resting.”

Later on, this discrepancy between our portraits,
according as it was our own hand that drew them or another, I was to register in the case of others than myself, living placidly in the midst of a collection of photographs which they themselves had taken while round about them grinned frightful faces, invisible to them as a rule, but plunging them in stupor if an accident were to reveal them with the warning: “This is the real you.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Watching my sleeping beauty is the most rapturous moment in my life

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Sleep makes children of all of us.

It cloaks us with divine beauty and innocence

I know because I often love watching my partner,Daisy,when she sleeps.

It is amazing that we do not include the pleasures we enjoy in sleep in
the inventory of the pleasures we have experienced in the course of our existence.

By shutting her eyes, by losing consciousness,
Daisy strips off, one after another, the
different human personalities with which she has used to deceive me ever since the day when I had first made her acquaintance.

She is animated now only by the unconscious life of plants, of trees, a life more different from my own, more alien, and yet one that belonged more to me.

Her personality is not constantly escaping, as when we talk, by the outlets of her unacknowledged thoughts and of her eyes.

She has called back into herself everything of
her that lays outside, has withdrawn, enclosed,
re-absorbed herself into her body.

In keeping her in front of my eyes, in my hands, I have an impression of possessing her entirely which I never have when she is awake.

Her life is submitted to me, exhaled towards me its gentle breath.

I listen to her dozy murmuring, mysterious emanation, soft as a sea breeze, magical as a gleam of moonlight, that is her in sleep.

So long as it lasts, I’m free to dream about her and yet at the same time to look at her, and when that sleep grows deeper, to touch, to kiss her.

What I feel now is a love as pure, as immaterial, as mysterious, as if I’m. in the presence of those inanimate creatures which are the beauties of nature.

And indeed, as soon as her sleep becomes at all deep, she ceases to be merely the plant that she had been; her sleep,on the margin of which I remain musing, with a fresh delight of which I never tire, which I can go on enjoying indefinitely, is to me a whole
landscape that we call love.

Her sleep brings within my reach something as serene, as sensually delicious as those nights of full moon on the beach, calm as a lake over which the branches barely stir, where, stretched out upon the stand, one could listen for
hours on end to the surf breaking and receding.

On entering her room, I remain standing in
the doorway, not venturing to make a sound, and hearing none but that of her breath rising to expire upon her lips at regular intervals, like the reflux of the sea, but drowsier and softer.

And at the moment when my ear absorbs that divine sound, I feet that It is condensed in her whole person, the whole life of the charming captive outstretched there before my eyes.

Vehicles go rattling past in the street, but her brow remains as smooth and untroubled, her breath as light, reduced to the simple expulsion of the necessary quantity of air.

Now, seeing that her sleep would not be disturbed, I would advance cautiously, sit down on the chair that stood by the bedside, then on the bed itself.

.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Our most treasured memories are the ones buried in oblivion

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What best remind us of a person is precisely what we had forgotten (because it was of no importance, and we therefore left it in full possession of its strength).

That is why the better part of our memories exist outside us, in a splatter of rain, in the smell of an un-aired room or of the first crackling
brushwood fire in a cold grate: wherever, in short, we happen upon what our mind, having no use for it, had rejected, the last treasure that the past has in store, the richest, that which, when all our flow of tears seems to have dried at the source, can make us weep again. Outside us?

Within us, rather, but hidden from our eyes in an oblivion more or less prolonged. It is thanks to this oblivion alone that we can from time to time recover the person that we were, place ourselves in relation to things as he was placed, suffer anew because we are no longer
ourselves but he, and because he loved what now leaves us indifferent.

In the broad daylight of our habitual memory the images of the past turn gradually pale and fade out of sight, nothing remains of them, we shall never recapture it.

Or rather we should never recapture it had not a few words been carefully locked away in oblivion, just as an author deposits in the National Library a copy of a book which might otherwise become unobtainable.

For, like desire, regret seeks not to be analysed but to be satisfied.

When one begins to love, one spends one’s time, not in getting to know what one’s love really is, but in making it possible to meet next day.

When one abandons love one seeks not to know
one’s grief but to offer to her who is causing it that expression of it which seems to one the most moving.

One says the things which one feels the need of saying, and which the other will not understand, one speaks for oneself alone.

I wrote: ‘I had thought that it would not be possible. Alas, I see now that it is not so difficult.’ I said also: ‘I shall probably not see you again;’ I said it while I continued to avoid showing a coldness which she might think affected, and the words, as I wrote them, made me weep because I felt that they expressed not what I should have liked to believe but what was probably going to happen.

We suffer injustices both in love,and out of love;in my cowardice I became at once a man, and did what all we grown men do when face to face with suffering and injustice; I preferred not to see them.

And wasn’t my mind also like another baby crib in the depths of which I felt I remained ensconced, even in order to watch what was happening outside?

When I saw an external object, my awareness that I was seeing it would remain between me and it, lining it with a thin spiritual border that prevented me from ever directly touching its substance; it would volatize in some way before I could make contact with it, just as an incandescent body brought near a wet object never touches its moisture because it is always preceded by a zone of evaporation.

And so it is with our own past. It is a labour in vain to attempt to recapture it: all the efforts of our intellect must prove futile.

The past is hidden somewhere outside the realm, beyond the reach of intellect, in some material object (in the sensation which that material object will give us) of which we have no inkling. And it depends on chance whether
or not we come upon this object before we
ourselves must die.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

The true paradises are the paradises that we have lost

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There is no one, no matter how wise he is, who has not in his youth said things or done things that are so unpleasant to recall in later life that
he would expunge them entirely from his memory if that were possible.

The magic of all the paradises we have lost in our lives still hold us in a spell.

It is often hard to bear the tears that we ourselves have caused.

The thirst for something other than what we have… to bring something new, even if it is worse, some emotion, some sorrow; when our sensibility, which happiness has silenced like an idle harp, wants to resonate under some hand, even a rough one, and even if it might be broken by it.

People who are not in love fail to understand how an intelligent man can suffer because of a very ordinary woman. This is like being surprised that anyone should be stricken with cholera because of a creature so insignificant as the common bacillus.

Now there is one thing I can tell you: you will enjoy certain pleasures you would not fathom now. When you still had your mother you often thought of the days when you would have her no longer. Now you will often think of days past when you had her.

When you are used to this horrible thing that they will forever be cast into the past, then you will gently feel her revive, returning to take her place, her entire place, beside you. At the present time, this is not yet possible. Let yourself be inert, wait till the incomprehensible power … that has broken you restores you a little, I say a little, for henceforth you will always keep something broken about you.

Tell yourself this, too, for it is a kind of pleasure to know that you will never love less, that you will never be consoled, that you will constantly
remember more and more.

These days,my destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing the familiar old things in new light.

There are perhaps no days of our childhood we lived so fully as those we believe we left without having lived them, those we spent with a favourite book.

And then there are all those cute and young innocent friends that we lost along the way,too young to die.

I still remember them.

Love is not vain because it is frustrated, but because it is fulfilled. The people we love turn to ashes when we possess them. We glorify their lives only when we lose them again.

People who we love do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as
when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad.

But,time, which changes people, does not alter the image we have of them.

Sometimes,a divine illumination comes to our rescue at the very moment when all seems lost; we have knocked at every door and they open on nothing until, at last, we stumble unconsciously against the only one through which we can enter the kingdom we have
sought in vain a hundred years – and it opens.

We believe that we can change the things around us in accordance with our desires—we believe it because otherwise we can see no favourable outcome. We do not think of the outcome which generally comes to pass and is also favourable: we do not succeed in changing things in accordance with our desires, but gradually our desires change. The situation that we hoped to change because it was intolerable becomes unimportant to us. We have failed to surmount the obstacle, as we were absolutely determined to do, but life has taken us round it, led us beyond it, and then if we turn round
to gaze into the distance of the past, we can barely see it, so imperceptible has it become.

People claim that we recapture for a moment the self that we were long ago when we enter some house or garden in which we used to live in our youth. But these are most hazardous pilgrimages, which end as often in disappointment as in success. It is in ourselves that we should rather seek to find those fixed places, contemporaneous with different years.

All the paradises that we lost in our lives,still live in our hearts;when we sit still,they can still come back to life!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Loving fathers in Kenya are those who pay bills,not the ones who care most!

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I hate driving.

I hate driving myself to work.

I love driving.

I love driving myself for leisure.

My car radio is normally my moderator on these two ambivalent perspectives on my feelings about driving.

I love my car stereo.

It makes my driving a leisure at all times.

I enjoy the banter that goes on in Radio talk shows and call-in sessions during my early morning drives.

Recently,a local radio station Capital FM, carried out an interesting social experiment.

They gathered a group of young men in their 20s and early 30s and asked each one to call their fathers and utter three dreaded
words in Mars, “I love you”.

That this coincided with the recent uproar of “Deadbeat Dads” where useless fathers like me were told off for not being responsible fathers by footing all their family bills,I was all ears,hoping to hear gallant sons who are proud of their fathers sing praise to them.

My estranged sons would definitely “roast” anyone trying to tell them that I’m a good dad.

But back to the Radio Talk.

The anxiety expressed was real.

Where does one start?

How to broach the subject?

“The old man will think I have lost the plot or
thoroughly high on something herbal?”

Eventually after some relentless pressure, the guys each called their fathers in turn.

They mostly started by beating about the bush with windy salutations before blurting out the words like a bashful teenagers stuck in a lift with an older crush, “Dad… some guys told me to tell you, I love you”.

The reactions of the fathers on the other end of the line was positive, if not somewhat surprised as if to say, “What the hell?”

Nonetheless, they were very receptive and the gratitude was expressed all around.

The initial fears expressed appeared
unwarranted.

So, why don’t Kenyan men tell their dads that they love them more often?

Probably because we believe our fathers would not appreciate that level of validation?

Try making a habit of calling your 60 year old plus old man every so often to tell him how much you love him and he will politely ask you to contain yourself.

If you really must appreciate his efforts in bringing you up, then make something of out of your life and give him something to brag about amongst his peers.

If the same experiment was carried out between
mothers and sons, the response would have been quick and swift.

But “I love you dad” does not roll off
the tongue that easy.

I suppose it is a cultural specific thing.

The phrase “I love you” in the conservative African mindset has a very precise context.

That is a western romantic notion that
usually reserved for gooey eyed lovers.

Love, like sex,has a certain level of sacredness in the traditional African homestead.

These are not things to be discussed in public surely!

It does not mean that you do not love your dad
because one does not show eagerness to give him a bear hug every time he appears.

Out in Kenyan mano-sphere, there is a different language of love.

Those who know do not need to tell.

Actions have always spoken louder than words.

For some people receiving gifts is what makes them feel appreciated.

A bottle of top shelf whisky is a very loving gesture.

For others, it is just quality time, shooting the breeze, dissecting politics and roasting meat.

An African man from an early age is socialised to show, rather than tell.

Hence, male courtship is all about grand gestures and the very reason diamonds stand pre-eminent.

Nothing says “I love you” like a big shiny and pricey rock.

It is also the reason men break their backs to be
seen as able providers to their women and families.

Loving fathers in Kenya are those who pay bills.

Culturally, daddies were always placed on a pedestal but they had to earn their respect.

I was socialised to never bother trying to understand my dads’ motivation for anything.

It was not my place to figure him out.

One learnt to accept him for who he was and if you did not like his style, then wait until you
could start your own family.

Indeed, we never understand the love of a parent until we become parents ourselves.

Ultimately, all that good fathers’ desire, is to make their children better versions of themselves.

My father wished I could follow his advice but I ended up following his examples.

Men,contrary to all other false beliefs.would love to hear an affirmative declaration of love from their sons!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A Vagabond mind in the depth of the night

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It is 11:45pm on a dark evening.

I’m disturbed by an image of a street girl who I saw sleeping on a street verandah this evening as I drove home from town.

As a matter of fact, I still do not know why I am
writing this because right now, I have so many
things going on in my mind.

Sssshhhh!

Can you hear that?

The silence is deafening and the clock won’t stop ticking.

I am wide awake and I do not know why.

Well, apart from my mind’s constant thoughts of grabbing something to bite, I am staring right into my computers screen.

I have access to unlimited internet but I have run out of things to Google.

Who gets this blank minded anyway?

Maybe, this is that point when you should be throwing the ‘get a life!’ words at me.

And yes, I have a life, many lives than the nine lives of a cat by the way.

Well, a part of me wants to get this beauty sleep I hear everyone blabbing about but a part of me tells me not yet.

I would not want to blame this entire mystery on
insomnia because then again, I have been sleeping the whole (okay, almost) the whole day-

That is what you do when you are tired of drinking the lemonades from life’s given lemons.

That is a story for another day but the bottom line is; sometimes you toast, sometimes you pass.

It is questionable why someone in their golden old age like me would have so much going on especially at this hour when they could be
dancing themselves crazy to “Mugithi” folk songs in some old geezers night club.

Sincerely, I do not have a perfect answer to that and I will tell you for sure that you are better off on the darker side because some things, once you know them, you may wish to bet your life to un know them but the thought alone, is impossible.

As I continue to write, there are drops of rain on the roof, slowly and then rapidly and then slowly again.

Naturally, it should be melody to my soul or can I say a sweet soothing lullaby?

The virtual remote control in my mind wants so badly to switch my thoughts into something else.
A thought crosses my mind that there is a small girl in the streets who needs this bed I am sitting on to keep herself warm. Or even share this bed with me for a night-what kind of pervert thoughts are these,running through my blank mind?

It crosses my mind that she may not have had any meal for the better part of the day and as she lays on the corner of some shop’s verandah to catch some sleep, she can’t help but get herself soaked not from her piss but from the heavy downpour. She is just a hapless street girl.

It is devastating.

I did not see this coming but now I am in deeper thought.

The question that constantly resonates on
my mind is; why do we take the most basic and
simple things we have in life for granted?

Like now, I have a roof over my head, I took all three meals during the day and I have the hands to type what I feel right now and the eyes to skim through my computer’s screen to follow through.

Why am I not happy?

Or better still, why can’t I be in bed asleep?

That I cannot get people to like me for who I am, does that make me worse than this girl?

That a part of me has become fatter overnight (that’s what we say), is it worth sulking for the rest of my life?

That people won’t appreciate the little gestures you express to them, does the world have to come to an end?

I have come to learn that in as much as life is not fair (which is sensible because can you imagine how it would be if it were), it is a matter of choice whether you live happily or whether you drown in melancholy.

Whether you consider it fair or unfair entirely depends on what you want to make of it.

Learn to make the best even out of the worst
situations, like that woman who has a passion in art but her lack of hands will not kill her dreams.

Just know that sometimes what is abnormal to you may be the normal someone somewhere is craving for.

In the end, people will come and go, people will love and hate, people will laugh and cry, people will make and break but what really sticks out is the gentle touch you give to someone’s soul when they most need it.

Don’t stop because they don’t want you
to…Stop when they don’t need you to.

Actually, I am seriously feeling hungry now.

I guess I will have to go now.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Why men LOVE their cars and LIKE their women

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Most men see cars as a sense of freedom and
adventure and develop personal relationship
with them.

Why men love cars so much?

Why do they often take better care of their cars than their women?

Let us plunge in and tackle the love of men for cars.

Love at first sight!

What do cars give men?

A sense of freedom and adventure is a highly recognised answer among both men and women.

The power and freedom men and women feel when a machine follows their commands is a main driving factor for love of cars.

Moreover, it is not easy for most men today to buy the dream car,and they work hard to make it happen.

Thus, it becomes something they’ve been waiting and working for, which is why they feel passionate about it and when they achieve it they love it… and take care of it.

This can give some hints to many women out
there wondering about the best approach to hold the man’s attention and affection.

It always makes you feel comfortable, when it’s
the right car…but isn’t it the same with the right
woman?

Men develop personal relationship with their cars faster than women because they perceive their car as an extension while women don’t.

Women do experience that for example with their homes – they see the house as an extension of their being.

For most women a car is a separate entity.

For women it is a convenience, what the car can do for them, for men is more like a sentient being they need to get to know and respond to – men love cars, that’s it.

Don’t get mad ladies.

It is somewhat sad that men feel that way about their cars, but there is an explanation to
that.

According to a BMW study, men feel like they have nothing to prove to and feel completely relaxed while driving their car.

If you think about it, it is not the same with their woman.

Most men feel constantly pressured to prove and justify themselves in front of a woman.

And this feeling intensifies even more when they get married.

Although many would argue that, it is the truth and it applies to women too.

Therefore, developing this personal relationship with their cars, men easily differentiate it from the personal relationship with a woman as easier to maintain and still satisfactory.

Moreover, by owning the car of their dreams – often a high performance, luxury vehicle – most men equate it with them and take pride in their car.

A man’s opinion: “I like to listen to my car. You can hear when the turbo clicks in – that vacuum-cleaner effect. You can just feel the giddy up effect, and the sensation of power is brilliant – you can feel it through the steering wheel and the back of the seat.”

A man can rarely find the right words to explain how he feels about a woman, yet he can be very
expressive about his car because it is a different type of love.

Both type of relationships, with a woman and
with a car, are discovered slowly and deepened with the time.

In both relationships, development raises more questions, but with the car, questions often
don’t demand an answer instantly.

The response a man gets from his car is mechanical in its nature and yet it speaks on an emotional level.

There is clicking,gear shifting and tire screeching, sounds men often describe with purring that makes them happy.

In a relationship with the woman they love, the discovery process is more interactive which involves more effort as women are not easy to please at all.

Women acknowledge that and yet it can’t be changed because women are highly emotional and intellectual beings who like to show it.

No matter how easy going a woman’s personality is, the relationship demands a
lot of work to maintain and unfortunately a big
percentage of men are not ready to put in the effort.

So, the car becomes their perfect match on many levels.

Every day…we are driving and loving it!

Driving your car in general is intimate and individual experience.

They can only feel them, share, and enjoy the fact that they are not pressured to do that
and not getting a response from their car only
strengthen the personal relationship.

Moreover, the way a car looks and feels partly determines how we feel and drive.

Sounds familiar maybe ladies?

So, having the control and familiarity when driving your car is a pleasurable experience that makes the seemingly unemotional men to be strongly attached to their car.

This explains why when moving men are ten times more likely to ship a car, rather than sell it.

To most men the car becomes their moving house,their second home that can be shown yet remain private.

Many would say that this love for cars in men
comes down to control, yet it is an emotional
relationship.

From the men themselves

“Since not having a car I’ve had to rely on public transport to take me where I want to go, having to sit near people I don’t know on a seat where I have no idea who sat there before me.”

In a bus I even have to look at the back of people’s heads for the whole trip while in a car I can look anywhere I want at my own pace with no obstruction in my line of vision.”

“I haven’t seen any friends since the loss of my car, most of them live in the same district as me. I like knowing that at any moment I can just jump in my car and go wherever I want. I could go to Timbuktu or to the extreme north of Mahe just for a drive if I wanted to. While if I want to do that in a bus I will first have to wait for hours to finally get one; it will take hours to reach there as it is stopping at every turn to either take on or disembark a passenger.”

“Sometimes I just cruise around in Victoria with my arms resting on the window sill. Some girls are really attracted to men in fancy cars so it’s my way of getting girls.”

“I drive around in my cars playing music as loud as I can. I feel good listening to music in my car. While if at home my wife will never stop shouting at me to turn down the volume.”

“Some men have this perception that one is rich
when one owns a car. This is totally stupid. How can one goes round in a car when his stomach is empty?”

Women also like cars but …

Not that women don’t love cars.

They do, but in a different way.

You won’t read about a rich female who squanders huge amounts of her money
acquiring a stable of cars (unless she is in love with her chauffeur) but footballers who spend fortunes on car after car when they hardly have the time to drive one are commonplace.

If I ask a woman what her first car was, she can always tell me.

Chances are she gave it a name, drove it for years and cried when she had to sell it.

It is equally likely that she didn’t keep it very clean and never polished it, and that it is always full of odds and ends, pillows, spare shoes, kids’ stuff, rubbish of all kinds.

When a woman drives her husband’s cars,
she is usually on notice that a scratch, spilt food and drink on carpet or upholstery, ash in the ashtray means she will never be allowed to drive it again.

His car is part of her husband’s self-image; her car is her dear friend and helper, her supermarket trolley, her baby-carriage.

He would rather take the bus than be seen at the wheel of her grubby hatch-back; she pilots his gleaming Hyundai through double-parked
streets with her heart in her mouth.

Much as he might love his car, no man weeps when he sells it on for a better one.

With his new car his youth is renewed; its increased performance endows him with vigour.

Women can be neglectful of their cars, and forget to put water in radiators, refill the washer tanks, replenish the oil or put air in tyres but they don’t deliberately mistreat them.

You won’t hear women boasting about how they wrote off a car or blew up its engine.

The woman who drives a hundred miles with the handbrake on or the choke out, or leaves the lights on and flattens the battery, can feel nothing but guilt and embarrassment.

Men who write off or blow up cars do so deliberately and glory in the deed, stupid and destructive though it clearly is.

A man who can never remember to use a lavatory brush or swill the shaving lather out of the hand- basin will devote litres of water to washing his car.

He will hose out the wheel-arches and remove every last insect corpse from the windscreen and the trim, and then leather off every inch of the paintwork so that not so much as a water-spot dims its radiance.

A man who cannot tell you what colour his wife’s eyes are will be able to tell you all the specifications of his motor.

He will know how it measures up against all
the cars in its price range, year or model, and be able to prove that he is not the kind of wuss who buys the wrong car.

In fact, this love affair starts long before puberty,when a baby boy meets his first wheeled toy and knows that it represents something that makes him go faster.

The little girl may know it too, but she is
less likely to care.

A man who can never remember to use a lavatory brush or swill the shaving lather out of the hand- basin will devote litres of water and washing liquids to washing his car

It might sound a bit weird, but there are plenty of guys out there that secretly love their cars more than their women!

Having a strong emotional attachment to material objects is nothing new, and, for some adult males, cars are often their “ comfort
blankets” in adulthood.

Of course, as a man, if you are in a relationship
with a woman, or are perhaps married to one, they should not have to compete for your love with an inanimate object!

Are you worried that you might love your car more than the lady in your life?

Check out these tell-tale signs!

»You talk more to your car than to your lady

Talking to one’s self isn’t anything to be alarmed about, as we all do it from time to time.
Talking aloud helps us to find the answers to any complex questions when we are alone.

But if you find that you have more conversations with your pride and joy than you do with the woman in your life, you are either bored of your other half or you just prefer to seek solace from your automotive “partner.”

»You get jealous when people look at your car

Now when I buy cars I don’t tend to have much of an emotional attachment other than giving my cars nicknames.

I also don’t care if people look at my car as they walk or drive past it.

You might have a problem if you get jealous
whenever random strangers give your automobile admiring glances.

Unless you drive an invisible car,I can guarantee you that people will look at your
car.

And if you happen to drive something exotic such as an Italian supercar, you will have even more people ogling your car than you would if you rolled around in a Ford Fiesta!

»You talk about your car as if it were a person

If you walked into a Carbase showroom, or the
showroom of any car dealership for that matter,
you would hear people talking about cars using
words such as “it” or “the”.

For example, any normal person might say
something like “my car is running rough at the
moment, I think it needs a service.”

But you probably have issues if you start talking to people about your car as if it were a person:

“Laura isn’t feeling well at the moment, she said she has stomach pains.”

»You believe your car IS a person

To be honest, I’ve not come across anyone that
believes their car is a person.

Cars are inanimate objects; they are mechanical devices that feature a lot of steel, plastic, rubber and carpet, amongst other things.

What they don’t have is vital organs such as a heart,liver, kidneys or lungs.

Nor do they assume the shape of a woman.

If you are reading this and are convinced that your car is a woman, I highly recommend you seek professional help because you will lose someone that does love you and is a woman!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A place I call home

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Where is that place we call home?
Is it here, is it over there,beyond the hills?
Is it in that soft warm bosom of my sweet girl?
So where is that place we call home, you ask?

It’s where you feel safe,
And it’s where you know everyone around you loves you for you,
Your cat,your neighbours,your friends,
A place that you always love to be.

Do you have a place you can call home like I do?

It’s been a long hard ride getting there,
And I won’t lose hope,
This is still the place,
That we all call home.

To chase that dream across the seven seas,
For something that i believe in,
And that’s a place I call my home.

I have travelled all over the world,
Been to the world’s most famous places,
Have seen the Victoria Fall’s falling waters,
Have left tracks on the well known deserts of Africa,
But there is one favourite place among all,
A place where love has always been there for me,
That’s a place we all call home.

No matter how far I can go ,I wont forget it.

Even though sometimes i have little at home ,
I will not depart from home , it’s my favourite place.

No matter how much luxury I have found out there ,
It can never be compared to this beautiful place,
That I call my home.

Home holds many memories for me,
I can look back and see those best days I had at
home,
So full of love , so full of laughter,
And I can look back again and see those days
Where i had little to eat and less to wear,
but I still laughed joyfully.

No place can be compared with home.

I can find comfort all over the world,
I can run as far as my feet can take me,
I can have all the beauties in the world,
But they can never be compared to this beautiful place that I call home.

This is the most wonderful place for me among all places,
The place which I will never forget, a place where everything is there just for me,and me alone,
The place that gives me comfort and relaxation,
That’s a place we all call home, home sweet home.

I’m really grateful for this place I call home,
For gratitude is riches,
And discontent is a spiritual poverty!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Chart your own way to personal freedom

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When you were born you arrived without an
instructional manual!

You were expected to figure things out as you evolved.

And everyone else was in the same boat,born without an operating manual.

We learnt initially by imitation.

Repeating words that our parents taught us.

By the time we were 4-5 years old we were starting to figure things out and our individual personality began to develop.

Then we went to school and were moulded into a functioning individual. Rather like a bakery.

The dough is placed into hundreds of bread moulds and when cooked all the loaves look the same.

So it is with us by the end of our basic schooling.

We have learnt to fit into society and have been taught the basic reading and writing skills that enable us to join the workforce.

And here the pressure to conform really begins.
If we displease our boss our job is on the line.

Likewise in our social environment we don’t really want to displease our church, family or members of our social groups.

Everything is a compromise because we have no real individual freedom.

That is we are not free to do things the way we really want to.

And as we grow into adulthood and start a family the same pressures to conform are still with us.

Society expects us to behave in an acceptable way… that is… acceptable to the society we live in.

As we progress through life we slowly come to the realisation that we are not a free spirit and never have been.

It gets to the point where many individuals suddenly rebel and go off at a tangent.

Which is why so many marriages fail these days.

In the “good old days” unhappy marriage partners stuck together “for the sake of the family”.

There used to be tremendous social pressures on married couples to “hang in there”.

These days there is no such pressure.

People who have been confined and restricted all their life suddenly break out.

There are plenty of alternatives available to unhappy individuals and a massive amount of information available thanks to the internet and a more open news media approach.

You have the right to be free and happy.

That’s the point… you have the right to be free and happy.

If you are not then you are denying yourself this basic freedom.

The old attitude might have been acceptable 40 years ago but it now no longer applies.

Many of you reading this will recognise the truth of the above analysis and will be asking what you can do about it.

To pull yourself away from the personal traps that keep you away from true personal freedom, you need to sit down and rethink your beliefs and attitudes.

Many of us have developed beliefs that are simply no longer valid and we pursue them merely from force of habit.

We need to break these habits and re-program our personal belief system so that we feel we are the master of our own destinies!

At any one point in time each and every sane individual is either doing that which makes them the happiest or doing that which makes them the least unhappy.

Most individuals operate in the latter category.

Think about the things you have done so far today.

Did they make you seriously happy or did you do them so that you wouldn’t be unhappy?

I’ll bet that less than 5% of them actually
made you happy!

In fact, think back over the past week and
isolate one single event that made you blissfully happy and personally satisfied.

It has taken me many years to sort out my belief system to the point where I now feel almost totally free.

And I made a ton of mistakes along the way because I didn’t have an instruction manual to help me.

An instruction manual for personal freedom
But you are in a totally different position because you are currently reading this vital instruction manual!!

The vast majority of individuals get stuck in this rut all their lives but occasionally a traumatic event breaks them out of it.

For example a person might become seriously ill and their doctor advises that they only have 6 months to live.

Now some people will roll over and pretend to be dead the moment they hear this while others will suddenly realise that they haven’t lived life at all and go hell-bent on catching up.

These are the ones who get so involved in doing all those things they always wanted to do that their illness suddenly disappears.

There are many recorded instances of these miraculous cures, particularly in regard to cancer.

Just stop for a moment and visualise what you would do in this situation.

You might be stuck with a time-wasting family situation of visiting Auntie Nellie and Uncle Dan every Sunday fortnight for dinner because that’s what you have always done and it is expected of you.

If you got sudden bad news like this would you continue to visit them or would you head off to do some jet-skiing or para-sailing?

Chances are you would mentally cut all the things out of your life that didn’t matter and do only those things that did.

And this is where you can sit down and make a list of all the important things you do each month.

Take some time about it and make a complete list.

Now imagine which items you would cross out if
you knew you had limited time left.

You would probably find that 80% of the so-called important items had been deleted.

This is the exercise I did many years ago when I realised I was wasting my life on garbage non-productive events.

I crossed out all the things that didn’t really matter, particularly those items that I felt obliged to participate in because of social or family pressure.

I got somewhat unpopular initially but others soon realised I had taken a new lease on life and left me alone.

My thinking was that this life of mine was not a practice run and I’d better start living it otherwise I would go to my deathbed with a ton of regrets.

Just visualise lying in a hospital bed with all your family around you in the certain knowledge that you are dying and suddenly
realising that there were many things in life that you hadn’t done.

You had “missed out” because of your inertia and were extremely sad about it.

Do you want to spend the last few moments suffering from massive regrets? No… I don’t
think so!

It is over to you to correct this situation NOW.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Mindlessness breeds perfection,and perfect happiness too!

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“When you become lost in what you are doing . . .
When the mind goes away . . .
When your mind disappears and gets lost doing something that you love doing . . .
Then,and only then,does your masterpiece appear.”~Zen Habits

Creativity is a profound rebellion.

If you examine an event or a time in your life when you created something valuable, a masterpiece of your creation, you will find that time disappeared.

During those minutes or hours in which you
worked, nothing else in the world existed.

You were the only person in the world.

And your task was the most important thing in the world.

There was no time. There was no distraction. There was no mind.

And most glorious of all, there was no YOU.

Your hands worked of their own accord.

Dancing to a rhythm all their own.

Neuron impulses travelled directly from brain to fingertips, bypassing YOU altogether.

There was no thought of what it might look like.

There was no hope of anyone liking it.

There was no fear of it being ridiculed.

The entire affair was thoughtless, mindless, and ego-less.

This is how masterpieces are created.

In the end, it is YOU that stands between you and your masterpiece.

During my years in university, there was a cook that I remember to this day.

He worked in the university grill.

He was well known amongst the students and
staff. For his happiness.

Whether it was 6AM or 6PM, whether it was
weekday or weekend, sunshine or hail, he greeted everyone with a boisterous “Good morning. How are you this morning?”

There might have been forty people in the breakfast line and he would greet every single one the same way.

Many, including myself, would often wonder
how it was that a man could be so joyful.

Regardless of the time or the day.

While this was the quality he was most known for, I found another which was even more impressive.

I once sneaked into the kitchen to watch him
cook. I just couldn’t help it.

I wanted to see this man in his natural
state.

What was he like behind the scenes?

As he would make a grilled omelette sandwich, he would place the bread slice onto the grill as if it were made of glass.

He placed two pieces of the omelette onto the bread and he took his spatula and he pressed
down evenly and gently.

His left hand poured a small bit of oil onto the pan, while his right handled the spatula.

He placed the sandwich onto a plate.

Precisely in the centre.

He took a knife and pressed his left palm upon the top of the blade and pressed down, and then after it was cut he flicked his left hand into the air as if it were a show.

But there was no one there to watch.

No one that he knew of, that is.

Suddenly one of the servers dropped a plate which fell and shattered about thirty feet from him.

He didn’t so much as flinch.

His focus remained on the sandwich.

On his ultimate creation.

All the while, his lips remained pursed in concentration.

His sleeves hung loose at the wrist.

The entire affair was done with such rhythm, such grace.

It was like a ballet dance,all in synch.

I remain convinced to this day that he did not even hear that plate fall.

I have spent years giving myself to my
endeavours.

It was difficult in the beginning.

Distractions were the order of the day.

And the mind would was difficult to settle.

But it is much easier now.

In fact, I have used this approach not only with work but with my daily existence.

And things happen of their own accord.

Whether it is playing the piano or writing a
discourse, the fingers seem to find their own way.

The instincts and the motions come to me rather
than from me.

And I sit watching the beautiful dance of life unfold.

This, my friends, is what I have discovered is the
secret of making a masterpiece of your craft.

Society, from childhood forward, is taught to do
things according to a certain technique.

In a certain way. According to a certain methodology.

Superiors judge the individual for how well
they follow the methodology.

How good the result is.

And whether every direction is adhered to.

The type of individuals that are created in this manner are not leaders but followers.

What is being taught is not creativity,
but mimicry.

Is it a wonder that the creative, the elite, in any
discipline are so few?

It is not that only a subset of human beings harbour creativity.

It is that only a subset choose to nurture it.

The world is addicted to the “how to.”

And there is no shortage of individuals to indulge them.

Creativity is a profound rebellion.

That which comes from a sacred place within you is far superior than that which comes from the world around you.

The secret of work lies not in the comparing of the result against a prevailing standard.

The secret of work lies not in following a recipe.
The secret of work lies not in the praise that it garners.

The secret of work lies in the state of the human being performing it.

The secret of work lies not in mindfulness. But mindlessness.

Mindlessness?

Yes, mindLESSness.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

You owe it to yourself to be the best person possible

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It’s almost Christmas time my dear friends and readers, and I have the usual problem of deciding what to give you as this year’s Christmas gift.

I know you might enjoy many things — books, games, clothes.

But I’m very selfish.

I want to give you something that will stay with you for more than a few months or years.

I want to give you a gift that might remind
you of me every Christmas.

If I could give you just one thing, I’d want it to be a simple truth that took me many years to learn.

If you learn it now, it may enrich your life in hundreds of ways.

And it may prevent you from facing many
problems that have hurt people who have never
learned it.

The truth is simply this: No one owes you anything.

Significance

How could such a simple statement be important?

It may not seem so, but understanding it can bless your entire life.

No one owes you anything.

It means that no one else is living for you, my friend.

Because no one else is you.

Each person is living for himself; his own happiness is all he can ever personally feel.

When you realize that no one owes you happiness or anything else, you’ll be freed from expecting what isn’t likely to be.

It means no one has to love you.

If someone loves you, it’s because there’s something special about you that gives him happiness.

Find out what that something special is and try to make it stronger in you, so that you’ll be loved even more.

When people do things for you, it’s because they want to — because you, in some way, give them something meaningful that makes them want to please you, not because anyone owes you anything.

No one has to like you.

If your friends want to be with you, it’s not out of duty.

Find out what makes others happy so they’ll want to be near you.

No one has to respect you.

Some people may even be unkind to you.

But once you realize that people don’t have to be good to you, and may not be good to you, you’ll learn to avoid those who would harm
you.

For you don’t owe them anything either.

Living your Life

No one owes you anything.

You owe it to yourself to be the best person
possible.

Because if you are, others will want to be
with you, want to provide you with the things you want in exchange for what you’re giving to them.

Some people will choose not to be with you for
reasons that have nothing to do with you.

When that happens, look elsewhere for the relationships you want.

Don’t make someone else’s problem your
problem.

Once you learn that you must earn the love and
respect of others, you’ll never expect the
impossible and you won’t be disappointed.

Others don’t have to share their property with you, nor their feelings or thoughts.

If they do, it’s because you’ve earned these things.

And you have every reason to be proud of the love you receive, your friends’ respect, the property you’ve earned.

But don’t ever take them for granted.

If you do, you could lose them.

They’re not yours by right; you must always earn them.

My Experience

A great burden was lifted from my shoulders the day I realised that no one owes me anything.

For so long as I’d thought there were things I was entitled to, I’d been wearing myself out —physically and emotionally — trying to collect them.

No one owes me moral conduct, respect, friendship, love, courtesy, or intelligence.

And once I recognised that, all my relationships became far more satisfying.

I’ve focused on being with people who want to do the things I want them to do.

That understanding has served me well with friends, business associates, lovers, sales prospects, and strangers.

It constantly reminds me that I can get
what I want only if I can enter the other person’s world.

I must try to understand how he thinks,what he believes to be important, what he wants.

Only then can I appeal to someone in ways that will bring me what I want.

And only then can I tell whether I really want to be involved with someone.

And I can save the important relationships for those with whom I have the most in
common.

It’s not easy to sum up in a few words what has
taken me years to learn.

But maybe if you re-read this gift each Christmas, the meaning will become a little clearer every year.

I hope so, for I want more than anything else for you to understand this simple truth that can set you free:

No one owes you anything!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Memories of my “silent” father. My own challenges as a father

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The soundtrack of my relationship with my father has always been silence.

It filled every crack and cranny, sipped in and cemented our interaction like melted cheese.

He was always there without being there.

I saw him.

Felt him.

Heard him.
Smelled him (his aftershave) but you still felt the silence.

He had this chair.

You know most of them had their own chair.

The Chair.

Their own chair.

It was more than a chair, it was his throne.

The patriarch’s chair.

And you didn’t put your bum in that chair.

Not unless you were paying rent that month.

Neither did you move it.

My dad’s was this sofa-like chair, with a beat-down sunken cushion that perpetually retained the shape of his bum.

Revered. It sat in a corner of the living room,
next to his bookshelf.

A teetotaller, he would spend lots of time slumped in that chair, most weekends, after-work, forehead buried in some African literature, reading about Savimbi or Samora, music streaming from this old gramophone that you also didn’t touch.

Neither did you paw his music records: T.P OK Jazz, Jim Reeves, Dolly Parton. Odd music.

End of day, he’d come home, his tea ready by a
stool, and he’d set up that baby,his gramophone.

It had an arm, which had this pin at the tip.

After setting his record in, carefully, with the focus of a surgeon, he would place this pin at the very edge of the record (it was called san) and the living room would suddenly fill up with this scratchy sound,as the pin rotated across the grooves, searching for the opening note.

Back then – in the 70’s – we didn’t own a TV, so it was either you sat in the house to listen to Franco or you went out to play.

You get a cookie for guessing what we chose.

If you ask me what sound reminds me most of
my relationship with my old man, it isn’t the
sound of him revving his Peugeot one last time
as he parked it in the evening, or him coughing
and blowing his nose in the bathroom as he
showered, it’s the sound of that pin running the
grooves of the san, searching for a sound.

But mostly it’s the silence that bubbled up.

It wasn’t an offensive silence.

It wasn’t a disinterested silence.

It was just silence.

Fatherhood back then wasn’t about friendship.

You didn’t tell your father how you felt.

You didn’t sit at his feet and tell him about your pubertal girlfriend problems.

You navigated your struggles alone.

So we hardly conversed.

We spoke, yes, but we hardly conversed.

And when we conversed he was asking about school.

He always asked about school.

About grades.

Seldom would he look at a math problem, which I sucked at,royally.

I remember my “sponsor” taking me to be snipped at the river in my teenage as I “transitioned” into manhood (Oh mom, she would have bee nsuch an angel to see her son initiated into adulthood,but she left me when I was only a day old).

But even after, when I was recovering, he didn’t ask how it went or how it was going.

It would have been nice to tell me that the morning hardons would be a killer.

But he didn’t know how to talk to me.

He didn’t know how to put feelings into words,
which was ironic because he has spent all his life buried in books. Buried in words. Words he has never learnt how to use.

Growing up there seemed to be some sort of a
protocol: most communications passed through
my step mom.

You want new school uniform?

You tell mom, mom tells him (when he is in a good mood, obviously).

You hate the school you are in?

Tell mom, mom tells him.

The pocket money you are getting is a joke?

Tell mom, mom laughs it off.

But now mom is gone dodo and he is left
with a kid he doesn’t know how to speak to.

He tries.

He really tries but he’s out of his depth.

Old dogs don’t learn new tricks. He’s lost. So am I.

Phone conversations last under a minute.

Conversations filled mostly with niceties and the weather and cows.

Him: Remember that white and brown calf, well now it’s all grown and recently had a calf? Well we are getting so much milk now.

Me: Which brown and white cow? I
thought it was a bull?

Him: Loud sigh. That’s why you need to come to the village more often. Etc, Etc.

In mom’s absence the silence of childhood is
back again.

Like an amoeba it’s filling again all the
spaces, all the crevices mom left in her demise.

Why am I airing this family laundry here?

Because it’s not a big deal, and because nothing is ever that serious for one and two because I have realised that now that I have a son, my relationship with my father is going to impact on the relationship I have with my boy.

Guys have always asked me, how different is it raising a boy now as compared to raising a girl? The truth?

Boys eat more!

But here is the distinction.

Although Kim,my boy, brings out the steel in me, Tamms,my girl, makes me very
vulnerable to the point I almost feel unworthy to be keeping a beard.

As in when she is moody in the morning, and she doesn’t talk to me in the car as I drop her to school it bloody affects my moods.

I seem obsessed with her happiness.

There is a time she kind of dropped Kim, and Kim being a mama’s boy, screamed like his eyes had been gorged out (roll eyes) and I shouted at her, “WILL YOU PLEASE FOCUS WHEN YOU ARE CARRYING YOUR DAMNED BROTHER?” It just
came out of my hot mouth.

And she shrunk and tears came to her eyes because I never ever shout at her and before she could break into a cry (she hardly ever
cries) I told her, “Go to your room and read a
book!”

And then my missus gave me that look of
“Come on, it was an accident,” and I went back to watching TV acting like I didn’t care but then it made me feel so bloody lousy, and guilty and I thought if she ever gets pregnant at 18 it will be because I shouted at her.

So later, like an hour, I went to her room with intentions of making up by trying to be funny and Heck!

But before I said anything she said, “I’m sorry I dropped Kim” and my insides melted.

So you see what Tamms just makes me soft and
vulnerable and mushy because she is so fragile
and delicate and I treat her like fine china.

She is my girl.

With Kim it’s different. I realised I’m treating him like a man even though he doesn’t even have teeth yet.

I think it’s because I don’t want to raise
a weak man.

Weakness comes from lack of confidence.

Lack of confidence comes from wrong socialisation.

I have standards I wish of him that will determine how well I have done with him.

First, it would be nice if Kim didn’t turn out to “like” boys.

I’m just saying. I know in another 15years time, mind-sets would have changed completely and my feelings on gayism would be out-dated and degenerated.

But as a father I would prefer if he “liked” girls.

Even though the thought of Tamms bringing home a boy fills my heart with sulphuric acid, the thought of some hot thing with a good bum
on it coming to ask for him would fill me with
pride.

I’d nod inward and say, “Here we have
good taste.” I know, it’s not fair at all.

I don’t care if he pierces his nipples at teenage.

Or gets a Dinka tribal tattoo on his bum.

He can do whatever he wants with his body as long as he is respectful and humble.

I would love if he was backed up against the wall that the one person he would think of calling to get him out of that jam would be me.

I want him to tell his mates, that my old man, is that guy who puts things in perspective.

To respect me. When I die I want him to feel completely lost for a long time, to feel this large quarry open up in his life and know that no one will ever fill it. Not even his mother.

But I’m in danger of raising a weak man because my house is an all-woman digs.

They run that joint. My women. The Missus. Tamms. And the house help.

I just pay rent and stay in my corner.

But I see the way they handle that boy.

The way they fuss over him.

The way they femalise him. (Just made up
that word).

The way they call him weak names
like “baba”. Blimey! Baba sounds like a
manicurist!

Then of all the toys he has, he has grown very fond of this pink toy that looks girlie.

It disturbed me a bit. OK, a lot.

So I went and bought him this cool toy called Monkey Rattle (you are welcome Baby Shop), which he held once and threw away.

He cries too much.

Maybe it’s a stage but it has to stop.

So for instance now he is trying to walk and
when he falls, not ati a bad fall that can
potentially break his neck, and starts crying you should see ALL the females in the house falling all over themselves to reach out ti him.

It’s disgusting.

And kids are crafty, they will fall down and then look around to see if you have seen and when you react with shock they will start bawling like they just sprained an ankle.

The other day when he fell crying and every skirt was rushing to get him up I hollered loudly, like Shaka Zulu, spear blocking the path of the marauding women, “No!”I bellowed, “Let him be! Let him be a man and get up!” They all froze.

So he cried lying on his belly on the carpet,
waiting for help, which was not coming.

You should have seen Tamms she was near tears.

Hehe. The Missus was looking like she was about to slap me. The maid stared helplessly from the doorway.

So Kim cried. And cried. I told him, “get up baba, come up!”

Finally, mumbling baby obscenities I can’t understand, he got up and sat on his diapered
ass sniffing back the last tears.

I looked at the female audience with self righteousness and went back to watching TV sure that King Zulu’s wisdom had been adequately impacted on the females for
generations to come.

I’ve watched my Landlady’s son – Paul – grow up from a boy into a teenage in the past six years I have lived there.

I’ve seen his limbs elongate, seen him grow lanky, his voice break, his dressing change.

Sometimes I run into him as he waits for his school bus outside the gate as I go
for my run. (He attends Saints cathedral masses.)

We share quick hallos, him in his deep pubescent voice. I have also seen how his dad relates to him.

I noticed that when he comes back from work, he hands him the keys and he reverses this car into this garage like space.

And I admire that because it shows trust, that his dad treats him almost like a man.

And I’m always tempted to ask him what he
likes about his father when I run into him those very early mornings but he’s a teenager and you never quite know what mood they are in.

Most of our fathers raised us remotely.

That was their way.

The times then dictated that.

I think now things are different.

We need to talk to these boys.

Make them our pals without them thinking
they can smoke before us.

They should be able to tell us what they can’t tell their mothers.

They should be able to see us as allies.

And as the men they aspire to be.

Sons should be able to say, “If only I was half the man my father is…”

You have to pass through a dungeon to get there,I guess.

Because I talk to many big-shots who are over 50, I find myself asking them about fatherhood and I realise that nobody really has a template to raise boys.

Men just do the best they deem right because at the end of it all, it will be so hard to see how your son turned out – badly or well – and pretend that it isn’t a reflection of who you are.

Here is what I love about Kim.

When his diaper is being changed, (I can count you the number of times I have changed his diaper, less than five. I hear chaps out there have really taken this diaper-changing thing seriously.) he normally has this thing where he immediately reaches out and grabs his jewels.

Like he’s shooting a musical video in the Bronx.

Like he is so blessed he just can’t believe it.

I find it extremely hilarious.

But it fills me with pride because that’s something that we guys do when we just chilling at home, you reach out absentmindedly and slip your hands in your peejays.

Nothing says “guy” more than that.

This is to all men out there raising boys.

Salute!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

How to disarm your “hot buttons”~SEQUEL

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{PART TWO of ;Do you always fly off the handle when someone pushes your “hot buttons”? http://wp.me/p1JlOj-Eq}

It’s critical to identify just what pushes your buttons (or “yanks to your chain”) to begin with.

Otherwise, there’s no way you can pinpoint–let alone, work through–those past experiences that now prompt you to over react to
provocations that actually may be more “felt” than real.

In fact, it’s important to recognise that what
incites you isn’t necessarily anything that would
provoke someone else.

Finally, it may be only because the current-day
stimulus unconsciously reminds you of something that upset you weeks, months, years, or even decades ago, that you’re compelled to “lose your cool” in the present.

But once you can make the required connections between the there-and-then
and the here-and-now, you can begin to de-activate those buttons that, till this point, have irrationally taken over your behaviour.

Once you’re able to bring a new and more positive self-understanding to whatever distressing messages about yourself you
received–or thought you received–when you were younger (probably much younger), your essential self-image can undergo all kinds of transformative changes.

So what exactly is it that triggers your buttons?

And just how do you determine what causes you to become provoked?–what you can’t help but react to as an affront, annoyance,indignity, or insult?

Begin by asking yourself: Does this hot button relate to getting criticised? disagreed with? nagged? slighted? scolded? disregarded? ignored? . . .

Is it tied to being rebuffed? spurned? made fun of? humiliated? . . .

Is it about feeling trifled with?

Made to feel weak? inadequate? stupid? Might it be connected to feeling un-appreciated? unimportant? devalued? Or maybe taken advantage of? powerless?disrespected? . . .

Is it attached to feeling falsely or unfairly accused? distrusted? disapproved of?rejected?

Or is being mistakenly perceived as dishonest? guilty? shameful? Or could it be some verbal, or non-verbal, cue suggesting that you’re
unloved (or–far worse– unlovable)?

Consider making as comprehensive a list as possible of all the different things you can think of that have goaded you into seeing red in the past, that triggered you to instantly defend yourself, or attack the person who (presumably) intended to hurt you–or (as it
were) slam the door and “act out” your distress by angrily dis-engaging from your seeming provocateur entirely.

Remember, it’s safe to assume that anything
powerful enough to have pushed your buttons
previously is quite likely to push them again.

By now, it’s been said countless times that nothing predicts the future better than the past.

And the psychological dynamic of button-pushing hardly represents an exception to this familiar adage.

So catalog everything you can think of that incited you in times past.

And definitely consider as possibilities the extensive checklist of indignities inventoried above.

Unquestionably, you’ll find a pattern–whether it’s a sensitivity to being criticised,to feeling demeaned or disrespected, to experiencing
the other person as devaluing your viewpoint, or even to feeling utterly abandoned or rejected.

If you’re like most of us, you’ll probably discover that you’ve got considerably more than a single button susceptible to external provocation.

And if you’re particularly insecure, you may find that you have more vulnerability buttons–or “soft spots”–than, frankly, can easily be enumerated.

People characterised by others as “thin-skinned” may well have the most buttons of all.

Once another person hits a nerve deep inside you, there’s very little (at least in the moment) that, realistically, you can do.

But if, beforehand, you can
(1) de-sensitize yourself emotionally from those past experiences that were originally experienced as deeply threatening, and

(2) reassess positively the self-referencing negative meaning these past upsets held for you–that is, re-interpret these disturbing
events in a way that is both more accurate and self-validating–then you’re well on your way to
responding calmly (vs. reacting defensively or
angrily) to current-day situations that in the past may have sorely taxed your emotional resources.

To the extent that (however unconsciously) you’re still programmed to give others the authority to make you feel bad or doubt yourself, you’ll instantaneously feel compelled to diminish their power over you by reacting negatively to them.

But if you’ve been able to “update” your self-image by cognitively re-evaluating your past–thereby coming into your own, irrefutable authority as an adult–you’ll no longer feel the urgency to react this way.

For your emotional equilibrium, shored up by your ability to self-validate and self-soothe, will remain intact.

Even in the face of serious outward challenges, if you’ve developed an essentially favourable sense of self you won’t feel threatened by another’s insensitivity, put-downs, or lack of compassion or understanding.

For (to put it succinctly) you’re no longer dependent on external validation to feel okay
about yourself.

Your feelings of inner security are now firmly anchored from within.

And as a result, if someone says or does something to you that seems unfair or unkind, you’re now fully capable of addressing it–or them–in a manner most likely to be effective.

At this point, the other person’s once incendiary behaviour won’t throw you so off-balance that you can no longer keep your cool.
Once your fundamentally positive sense of self has crystallised, it’s virtually unassailable.

And so, in trying situations you’re in an
ideal position to explain yourself both tactically and tactfully–and without having to be concerned that your expression (facial or verbal) is likely to make matters worse.

Additionally, responding assertively is in direct opposition to reacting aggressively–which may have been what happened routinely in the past
when your buttons got pushed.

It’s somewhat analogous to being bullied, which is an extreme example of external provocation.

Once you’re able to stand tall in the face of another’s ridicule or derision, you’re practically immune to their provocation and slights.
Nothing your bull-headed opponent might say
can make you feel oppressed or intimidated.

No one can tease you (or, for that matter, torment you), for you’ve now “consolidated” a favourable sense of self-one that’s impervious to anyone who might, sadistically, wish to taunt you.

As idealistic (or far-fetched) as some of what I’m describing might seem, none of it is really outside the bounds of human possibility.

Admittedly, however, developing such psychological immunity hardly comes easy.

It takes considerable self-discipline to
systematically re-visit especially distressing moments in your past that (in certain ways at least) have negatively sensitised you to others.

And, understandably, not that many people are even willing to unearth memories linked to such unpleasant experiences as feeling repudiated, rejected, shamed, or abandoned.

Yet once the adult part of you is able to recognise that you’re essentially a good, decent person, you can mentally return to such past circumstances to purge them of their toxic
residue.

And you hardly need to be some kind of
exceptional human being to summon the
wherewithal to undertake such deeper-level
exploration.

However, if on your own you’re simply unable to accomplish such self-change, I’d strongly advise you to get some professional assistance (it will be well worth it!).

But if you are able to see yourself, for example, as basically competent (though certainly not perfect), acceptable (though, of course, not to
everybody), and trustworthy (despite certain peoples’ entrenched cynicism preventing them from placing much faith in you), then you already have everything you need to return to your past and repair those negatively distorted beliefs you may long have harbored about yourself.

And these beliefs are precisely the ones that re-surface time and again (ad infinitum–or ad nauseum) when you still have buttons altogether susceptible to others’ prodding.

Parts 3 and 4 will describe a very different approach to disarming your buttons: namely, employing certain strategies from a method known as Stress [or, in this case, Anger] Inoculation Training.

Utilizing such techniques will help you to better
prepare–or rehearse–for a variety of challenging interpersonal situations.
_________

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Do you always fly off the handle when someone pushes your “hot buttons”?

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Getting your buttons pushed almost invariably sends you on an unwelcome trip back to your past, to a time when you possessed precious few resources to protect yourself from what, in the moment, felt dangerous.

This involuntary present-to-past phenomenon is something I regularly find myself explaining to my friends who aspire to practice Buddhist meditation as a way of rising above defensiveness and mental agitation , who generally have very little awareness that the buttons they’ve been furtively struggling to control belong not to their present self but to their inner child of the past.

As I like to put it, the adult part of us is reasonable, logical, objective, and controlled.

Not easily does it become agitated or carried away.

Moreover, as mature individuals we’re
able to evaluate a situation realistically–and then respond appropriately (rather than rashly) to it.

Ideally, possessing a hard-earned confidence and sense of adult authority, we can maintain our mental and emotional poise regardless of various kinds of external pressure we’re subject to.

However, when we’ve gotten our buttons pushed– and so are developmentally regressed back into our child self–our grown-up self is, as it were, “missing in action.”

For now our judgment, and the wisdom gained from many years of observation and experience, is pretty much rendered null and void.

In that moment, enslaved by our inner child’s emotions, we can’t possibly reflect on the most effective response to the offending person or event.

For now it’s the child part of us that’s in charge, who’s taken custody of (or pre-empted) our more mature, rational self.

And–as a child confronted by someone or
something perceived as potentially harmful–we’re desperate to nullify that threat as quickly as we can, and with little consideration for the consequences of such impetuous behaviour.

When your buttons get pushed, you react.

Automatically.

After all, that’s what getting your buttons pushed means. Stimulus- response, stimulus-response. . . . Or rather, stimulus-
reaction.

For “response” implies choice; and when
your buttons are being hammered, your counter- behavior is instantaneous–without forethought, deliberation, or (for that matter) discretion.

In such instances, you’re impelled–by a force that’s far stronger, far more primal, than your rational adult mind–to strenuously defend yourself.

Or to attack whoever has (perhaps unwittingly) provoked you.

Or, in a sudden state of urgency, to hastily retreat from the situation altogether.

Your immediate (and typically fervent) behaviour usually reflects some archaic “operating system,” an emotional survival program existing considerably below your conscious mind.

Just as any animal–by nature, exquisitely sensitive to sudden sound or movement–instinctively tenses all its muscles to
prepare for fight, flight, or freeze, so do we humans instantly “adapt” to anything we perceive as threatening.

Except, unlike others animals, when we’ve become hypersensitive to any perceived disagreement, denial, slight, or insult, whatever
provoked us rarely constitutes a serious threat to our survival.

So, frankly, our adaptation isn’t particularly
adaptive.

Governed by overwhelming, un-analyzed emotions, our irresistible impulse is to regain some sense of safety, to reduce our precarious sense of vulnerability.

With our adult brain hijacked, we’re left
in a position where we’re compelled to do something (however imprudent or counter-productive) that will help neutralise the distressful feelings of insecurity that now beset us.

In such a pressured state, there’s no time to contemplate the actual threat of the situation, or our present-day ability to assert some authentic power over it.

For in being re-identified with our child self, there’s little sense that we possess such power.

The only alternative, therefore, is–non-rationally–to act out the emotion that now holds us in its grip.

And just as this sort of un-mediated
reaction probably wasn’t very helpful in the past, when we get our buttons pushed in the here-and- now, our instant reaction rarely enables us to successfully resolve our current impasse.

So, in situations of perceived threat, how do we
contrive to get our adult self back on the scene?

Or better, are there practical ways we can keep our “inner adult” from leaving in the first place–ways to keep that more mature self fully operational, even in situations that previously may have caused it to vanish entirely?

Parts 2, 3, and 4 of this post will attempt to provide practical answers to these questions, so that you can successfully preserve your mental and emotional equilibrium whenever external forces threaten to overwhelm it.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

When a relationship ends without closure

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Moving on after a relationship break-up is hard enough,and much more harder for those who seek definitive closure.

I would love to identify someone who, when a relationship crumbles either gradually or all at once, is able to wipe his/her hands clean and go on about life without any closure.

I dream about the tears, time, and energy it
would save if one didn’t feel the need for closure and if one didn’t agonise about trying to have these heartfelt and “necessary” conversations with the people with whom one had falling outs.

For years, I was shackled to the belief that there must be a formal end to a relationship or role, and until that happens, it’s impossible to move on.

In life, not all relationships continue to flourish.

It’s brave to recognise that and to move on from toxic relationships, or those that don’t contribute to your growth or well-being.

But how does one go about that transition
when formal closure is not always an option?

It’s not weird at all to feel the need for closure.

In fact, I wholeheartedly believe that it’s a necessary part of the relationship cycle.

The more I explore the notion of closure, however, the more I convinced I become that the issue isn’t about closure per se, but rather re-defining what closure is.

When we think of closure, a certain image or idea might come to mind.

Maybe it’s opposing parties sitting down and
talking, crying, laughing, in order to get to a place where everyone involved can accept the end or shift of a relationship.

Maybe it ends with a hug, or maybe it doesn’t.

Maybe it still hurts, but at least accept that it’s the end.

It’s hard to create new beginnings when you are preoccupied with old endings.

Closure is something to meditate on, because
sometimes closure is not found in plain sight.

The more I think about closure, the more
convinced I am that there’s no set formula for it.

It can come in millions of forms.

If you start investigating closure with new eyes, I bet you can achieve some aspects of it that you weren’t even aware of.

Closure isn’t always a grand gesture or
conversation.

Maybe closure is the first time you’re able to set a new boundary, saying “no” when you’re a certified people pleaser.

Maybe it’s being able to finally go through the
belongings of a loved one whose life was taken with little or no notice.

If you’re confused or having trouble subscribing to this idea, let me share my own closure experience with you.

Estrangement always seem so fuzzy.

Was it the end of our relationship, or was it a
hiatus?

I never knew whether I should commit to reviving the relationship or begin the process
of moving on.

Sometimes I wanted it to be final so I could recover from the mental abuse and create a new life where self-loathing was replaced with self-love.

But how could I?

We didn’t have a formal conversation about it.

I didn’t feel okay.

But what was acceptable closure?

For years, I asked myself, “What am I needing
in order to be able to move on?”

Then I got quiet,meditated and listened to the soft voice from my wounded soul.

I realised that I thought I needed to hear someone say sorry, or if she couldn’t do that, for us to be able to sit down and have a rational conversation.

I thought that was the only way I could pick up my broken pieces and live a fulfilling life.

Through years of Buddhist meditation, education, invisible tears in my heart, relying
on my support systems, and intense introspection,I discovered that I was never going to get that.

My estranged mate is mentally incapable of believing she could be even slightly flawed.

She is incapable of giving me what I thought I needed.

Just when I was running out of ways to self-
destruct and I felt myself hitting a new bottom,
I decided that just because my mate couldn’t
help me achieve the type of closure I desired,
that didn’t mean that I couldn’t get there on my
own.

I began the life-long process of retraining my brain, engaging in self-love and self-care, and going within to give myself what I needed when others couldn’t.

I might not have gotten everything I wanted exactly in the way that I had envisioned, but I was able to get myself to a place where I understood and accepted my relationship (or lack thereof) with my
mate.

I was ready to move on and learn to begin a new chapter of my life.

Some days it comes easier than others.

There are times when I want to dwell on how much it sucks that I have to work so hard to feel okay sometimes.

On the tough days, I am learning to go inward. I practice positive self-talk, celebrate how far I’ve come, and remind myself that closure is not just one thing,but a holistic approach to healing from hurt by others.

I remind myself that I have the power to
create all the closure I need if I keep practising and having faith.

If you are a creature of closure, there’s no need to shame yourself or to try to change who you are.

Maybe it’s about learning to become a detective for closure in your everyday life in order to find it in your own way.

The path to closure is rarely an easy or clear-cut one, but I invite you to see closure through a new lens.

As you embark on this journey, remember to be
gentle with yourself.

It’s okay to acknowledge where there is room for improvement, but please do not overlook successes, no matter the size.

Meditate on the idea that you possess the ability to find closure on your own in ways you never
thought possible.

Consider the belief that you could be free.

Bask in the notion that you’re in control.

If you do achieve closure, remember that you’re the one who is responsible for such a feat in your life.

You benefit more by drawing your own closure that waiting for it from someone else who may not be willing to grant your wish!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

True Love is a quiet storm

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True love comes quietly, without
banners or flashing lights.

If you hear bells,
or the sound of approaching marching drums,
get your ears checked.

True love doesn’t run you over,
or smack you on the top of your head.

It is a love that does not die
A love that whispers
A small still voice
Easily ignored.

Forgotten in the rush of infatuation
Remembered,
In the stillness of infatuation’s inevitable
disappointment.

It is a love that aches
A dull pain
As everlasting as the stars
In happiness, easily forgotten
In sorrow, magnified
This love is a gurgling stream
A midsummer night’s breeze
A twinkling star.

Beautiful,
Yet never arresting attention.

Was it the allure of magic?
Or were my senses simply heightened by sheer
boredom,
By the tedious monotony of life?

Around her, I became alive.

Free to be truly myself.

A clumsy, shy guy.

A hopeless poet.

A man with dreams.

She let me confront my fears.

Helped me deal with the demons in my system.

She let me see into the future.

For in three weeks I experienced all that I had lost belief in.

I built my own castle and watched it float on a sea of bliss.

I saw tiny creatures peeking at me from behind
toadstools.

My world lit up. more vivid.

It was an out of body experience.

A trip to the circus.
An eclipse.

A shooting star.

A sunset.

A moment of sure magic.

But a moment after all.

Not designed to last.

For a moment I felt how wonderful it is to be truly myself.

To be around someone who finds the real you
interesting.

To laugh freely.

To talk about your emotions in honesty.

To talk about your aspirations.

To have someone read my poems.

To argue over nonsense.

To critique every purple outfit in sight.

And that to me is the meaning of love.

A love that cannot be scaled on a range of one to ten.

Not disguised in the realm of friendship.

But my moment passed,

And I return to the world,

Where I an the man of a thousand marks.

Where I continuously put no acts to fit in.

Conjuring up roles for each situation.

For each friendship. each relationship.

Yes, true love is like a seed,
you don’t notice when it gets inside of you.

It takes firm root and you,
feel your heart tug a bit,
but you ignore it.

It sprouts a small tree within you and you get scared.

Who after- all wants a tree growing inside them?

That tree grows and grows,

it grows both quicker and slower than you’d
thought possible,
it’s mystifying actually.

Then you reach a point where you realize that, that tree is what’s bringing fresh air to your heart and making it smile all day long.

And after a lot of time arguing with
yourself,
you finally admit that you like this tree and
what it brings,
even if that makes you fell weird.

And you realize that you’re willing to keep nurturing the growth of this tree,
and of course, keep the person
who’s planted this tree within you,
beside you the whole time doing so.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

I am an eternal optimist and here is why optimism will work for you too!

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If you ask me, everything is pretty good and
great these days.

Your life and my life are both going to continue to increase in awesomeness over time.

We are likely to have exceptional fortune and health throughout our days, we’ll help to change some lives for the better, our kids are going to turn out loving and great,and we will die with a broad smile across our rugged and weather-worn faces somewhere around the age of a hundred and twenty two.

Oh sure, there will be the odd problem and
catastrophe along the way, but they will just serve as re-charging jolts to keep us from getting complacent.

More problems to solve, more learning to do, and deeper happiness to attain.

On top of that, the human race is bound for an ever- better fate, ironing out most of its current problems and most of the problems that follow in the future,ending up at a tantalizing Star Trek Utopia.

Those are pretty controversial statements to
make these days, yet strangely enough the
general theme tends to become true, for the few
people who are crazy enough to believe it.

And most of us don’t believe it. In fact, many of us end up going completely the opposite way.

One of the problems with being a clever and analytical person like yourself, is that you’ve become very good at seeing what might go wrong.

You can see the risks inherent in any enterprise, and if you’ve got enough analytical mind in you, you might even be fond of expounding about those risks to anyone around who
will listen.

There are even people make whole careers of this.

Fear-mongering in general tends to make you sound smart, and fearful people get a quirky sort of reassurance by snuggling up to a fearful leader, and confidently predicting the worst possible outcome.

Dmitri Orlov gets lots of attention by continuously foretelling the complete collapse of the United States.

A favourite technique of Collapse theorists is to sit at the news screen, interpreting each development of still further evidence of their theory. “Oh.. now the politicians are arguing.

Sure sign of collapse.

National debt is growing.. collapse.

Oil consumption rising faster than supply.. just as I predicted, it was foretold, it was foretold.

Are You a Personal Collapse Theorist?

The same methods can be applied by a Personal
Collapse Theorist.

“Oh man, this job is stressing me out. My department is going down the gutter, and
we’ll be the first ones on the chopping block when the next round of layoffs comes.

And it will be coming SOON! … And the thing is, in THIS ECONOMY, I need to hold onto my job because there are no other ones out there.

Not in my field, anyway.

All this is really taking a toll on my health.

I’ve got bad knees and back, and they really flare up when I am stressed.

So they are getting worse every day, which
makes me even more stressed, which makes me
even worse at my job, which makes me even more likely to get laid off, which…”

Whew, it hurt my fingers even to type that paragraph above, even though it was all completely made up.

But it hurts because it’s true – some people actually say things like that on a regular basis.

And every time I hear it, I feel like grasping the person’s head between my hands and shaking it while I say, “Wake up, Dude! You’re doing more than just discussing your situation right now.. You’re creating your own reality!”

Let’s contrast the life of the Personal Collapse person to the fate of a really lucky person.

You probably know at least one person that is just so lucky that they annoy you.

The person has a better job than you, always seems to get promotions, has cooler friends, and maybe even a more attractive spouse and a greener lawn.

Some even accuse plain old Mr. Money of being annoying for the same reason, “Oh, enough from you. You retired early and then things seem to keep going well for you. You’re making it all up, or if you’re not, it’s just luck and it can’t be applied to me”.

Fair enough.

We’re all “scientists” here in this game, so we can acknowledge that luck, or the partially random distribution of life situations, does indeed play a part in how a person’s life turns out.

There’s the genetic lottery, where each person gets different abilities directly from their parents, then there is upbringing, family, location, and pure random events supplied by the outside world.

It’s bound to create a very diverse set of
results, right?

But if you’ve ever been to a bar and watched a less-attractive friend have far greater success in attracting mates, or worked in an office where you notice that many of the people in highly paid senior positions are less competent and intelligent than yourself, you know there is something fishy about the theory that luck and birthright alone deliver our fate.

The Secret Weapon of Optimism

And that’s where we get to secret weapon of Optimism that I’ve brought to you today.

I’m hefting a stainless steel case onto the table and undoing the latches for you for you now.

It’s lined with black velvet and as I open it up, both of our faces light up with golden light.

Inside is a very smooth, very polished tool that looks like it was crafted by an advanced alien race.

It is made of gold and silver materials, with a sculpted handle and cobalt blue trigger.

It’s your new Optimism Gun!

But what good is fictional asset like an Optimism Gun when we’re trying to accomplish things here in the real world?

The answer is a Hell of a lot of good,because in this world full of humans, almost all of our “reality” is created in our own heads.

Is money real? No, it’s just a shared understanding among all of us that we agree to store value in non-tangible forms.

What about Gold, that’s more real than money, right?

Nope – offer a pile of gold coins and a nice chunk of meat to a dog, and see which one
he chooses.

Fame, fortune, the respect of others, or a job as
President?

Just chemical patterns stored in the minds of a bunch of other humans.

Even physical problems, like immediately cutting human carbon emissions by 75% to reduce climate change or eliminating poverty in all poor countries, are things that could be solved within months, just by altering patterns in a bunch of human minds.

And as it turns out, the human mind is exactly the target of the Optimism Gun.

But does it really work?

I found my own Gun about 21 years ago and I have certainly found it effective whenever I had the courage to apply it.

It has helped me get an offer for every consultancy job I have ever applied to, earn and save more money than the pessimists assumed possible, have a very nice life, and be generally happy every day, as I’m sure you’ve heard
more than enough.

I also secretly use the Optimism Gun in this blog (in fact, I’m writing this post with the “bluetooth” keyboard that was supplied with the device).

And I’d argue that it is working here too, evidenced by the ridiculous spread of optimism to date (now they’re even thinking of making a big TV show out of it,even though as of now,it’s just a dream!).

Because which is more likely: a software engineer who didn’t even take an English class in university just happens to be the most amazing writer in the world with the most useful financial ideas as well?

Or that the blog just makes people feel good about their lives because it is much more optimistic than other writing on the topic, and this motivates them to try some new things?

Here’s Why Optimism Works

There are several psychological principles at work that make all this work on a practical level:

•Humans are automatically drawn to Leaders:
Most people just want to hang back with the crowd and shy away from pressure of standing out.

As soon as somebody stands on the box and picks up the notes, people start listening.

If you dare to express optimism about anything, you’re stepping onto a little soapbox, and it gets attention.

•People want it to be true: If you’ve become a small- time leader and you deliver the Good Word, people will naturally want to keep listening, because you help them feel good about things too.

•Optimism tricks you into trying more things: If
you believe success is almost guaranteed, you’re
going to try some pretty fun ventures.

In reality, sure,you fail at some things, but what do they always tell us is the best teacher? That’s right, it’s failure.

So you end up racking up much more hard-earned experience and knowledge than the non-optimist.

Then what do you do with all that extra knowledge?

You succeed.

Meanwhile, everyone else is still hesitating to try the first thing.

•You are forced not to focus on things you can’t
control: One of the most useful lessons of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is that you never worry about stuff you cannot control.
You just work on the things you can.

As an example, I never watch the political debates or follow the polls for next month’s presidential election.

That doesn’t help me at all!

Instead, I just read the descriptions of the policies each candidate plans to put into place, evaluate those against my best guess at their long-term effects on the success of the world in general (not just based on my own situation), then decide on my vote long before the election day.

Then I can be optimistic because I’ve had my full say by voting, and I have hundreds of hours freed up to accomplish other things while the pessimists are still watching TV and worrying about the election!

•Acknowledge and Bow Down to the Placebo
Effect: When it comes to health and well-being, the mind controls the body way more than rational people like to admit.

This isn’t just new-age medicine– the very thought of taking medicine that makes people better, has a statistically significant effect on
the outcome of medical tests.

It is so real, that scientists have to adjust for it by giving people fake pills, which make them better, in order to see if the real pills do even more than the fake ones.

I enjoy hacking this fact this to control my own
health.

I have a permanent belief that I am unusually
healthy, and that this condition will persist forever!

Even when I get sick, I look at it as a very temporary anomaly, always assuming I’ll be back to full health by the next day.

It usually proves to be true.

Not only am I overdosing on the placebo effect, but these assumptions lead me to do the deliberate things one would do if one were preparing for a healthy 122- year lifespan as well.

And on top of all this, the optimism is limiting the release of the human stress hormone Cortisol, which tends to destroy health.

The less you worry about health, the healthier you become.

•Optimism is rare, and deadly when combined with competence: If you’re a smart guy or gal at your workplace, the other smart people are expecting you to be pessimistic, just like them.

You can sit at the lunch table, discussing the chronic failures of management or the critically
flawed design of the product you’re all working on.

But once you’ve proven your pessimism/realism chops and are respected by the gang, then you gradually start playing some tricks.

You can slip in ideas like “Well, this project might actually turn out OK… all we have to do is rewrite the action plan.
I’m pretty sure I can do that.”

Your co-workers will be fooled into thinking that they really can do those things, which they wouldn’t have otherwise tried.

As noted in point #3, these things occasionally work, and as you hone your skills at tricking people into succeeding,you find yourself increasingly being sought after for CEO positions.

So there you have it, from the perspective of both the eternal optimist and eternal believer in the power of optimism.

This stuff really works on other people and on ourselves, and it’s the source of most of the “luck” we experience in our lifetimes.

So the only remaining barrier is: are you daring
enough to begin this journey by turning the
Optimism Gun on Yourself?

Shoot a dose of optimism into your life,and then let me know what happens!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

How successful people handle toxic people

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“Save your skin from the corrosive acids from the mouths of toxic people. Someone who just helped you to speak evil about another person can later help another person to speak evil about you.”
~Israelmore Ayivor

Toxic people defy logic.

Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons.

Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and worst of all stress for you.

Studies have long shown that stress can have a
lasting, negative impact on the brain.

Stress is a formidable threat to your success—when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.

Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome, or just plain craziness, toxic people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.

The ability to manage your emotions and
remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance.

Top performers in any field,including relationships, are skilled at managing
their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control.

One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralise toxic people.

Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep toxic people at bay.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that successful people employ when dealing with toxic people, what follows are twelve of the best.

To deal with toxic people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t.

The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.

•They Set Limits (Especially with Complainers)

Complainers and negative people are bad news
because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions.

They want people to join their Self-pity party so that they can feel better about themselves.

People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.

You can avoid this only by setting limits and
distancing yourself when necessary.

Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke?

You’d distance yourself, and you should do
the same with complainers.

A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem.

They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.

•They Don’t Die in the Fight that is not meant to be theirs

Successful people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual.

In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged.

When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.

•They Rise Above

Toxic people drive you crazy because their
behavior is so irrational.

Make no mistake about it;their behavior truly goes against reason.

Which begs the question, why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix?

The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps.

Quit trying to beat them at their own
game.

Distance yourself from them emotionally
and approach your interactions like they’re a
science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy).

You don’t need to respond to their emotional chaos—only the facts.

•They Stay Aware of Their Emotions

Maintaining an emotional distance requires
awareness.

You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognise when it’s
happening.

Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose
the best way forward.

This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Think of it this way—if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he’s Nelson Mandela, you’re unlikely to set him straight.

When you find yourself with a friend or acquaintance who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod.

If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.

•They Establish Boundaries

This is the area where most people tend to sell
themselves short.

They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos.
This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Once you’ve found your way to Rise Above a
person, you’ll begin to find their behaviour more predictable and easier to understand.

This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t.

For example, even if you work with someone
closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean that
you need to have the same level of one-on-one
interaction with them that you have with other
team members.

You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and pro-actively.

If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations.

If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos.

The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

•They Won’t Let Anyone Limit Their Joy

When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from the opinions of other people, you are no longer the master of your own happiness.

When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something that they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or snide remarks take that away from them.

While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, you don’t have to
compare yourself to others, and you can always
take people’s opinions with a grain of salt.

That way, no matter what toxic people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from within.

Regardless of what people think of you at any
particular moment, one thing is certain—you’re
never as good or bad as they say you are.

•They Don’t Focus on Problems—Only Solutions

Where you focus your attention determines your
emotional state.

When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress.

When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive
emotions and reduces stress.

When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how
crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you.

Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re
going to go about handling them.

This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.

•They Don’t Forget

Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean that they forget.

Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on.

It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance.

Successful people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

•They Squash Negative Self-Talk

Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other
people.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-
talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it.

Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating.

It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of.

You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.

•They Limit Their stimulant and mood elevator Intake

For example,drinking caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline.

Adrenaline is the source of the “fight-or-flight”
response, a survival mechanism that forces you to stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat.

The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in favour of a faster response.

This is great when a lion is chasing you,but not so great when you’re surprised in the
hallway by an angry co-worker.

•They Get Some Sleep

I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and
can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and
managing your stress levels.

When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, shuffling through the day’s memories and storing or discarding them (which causes dreams), so that you wake up alert and
clear-headed.

Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep.

Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present.

A good night’s sleep makes you more positive,
creative, and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.

•They Use Their Support System

It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt
tackling everything by yourself.

To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them.

This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person.

Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the best from
a difficult situation.

Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it.

Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective.

Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.

¤Bringing It All Together

Before you get this system to work brilliantly,
you’re going to have to pass some tests.

Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people.

Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail.

Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving
techniques for dealing with difficult people will
train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.

I always love to hear new strategies for dealing with toxic people, so please feel free to share yours in the comments section below!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

A night of beautiful dreams

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Let my life be merry again,
The way it used to be,
This is my dream;

I am a farmer, bonded to toils of the soil.
I am a worker sold to the labour of my hands.
I am a slave to servitude , servant to you all.
I am a poor man, humble, hungry,& mean—
Hungry yet today again,
despite my dream.

Beaten to the ground,I still hold onto my dream
I am the man who never got ahead,
The poorest man bartered through the years.

BUT–

To fling my arms wide
In some place of the sun,
To whirl and to dance to the sweet tunes, playing in my mind
Till the heat of the day is done,
Then rest at cool evening,
Beneath a tall tree
While night comes on gently,
Dark like me—
That is my dream!

To fling my arms wide
In the face of the sun,
Dance! Whirl! Whirl!
Till the quick hot day is done.
Rest at pale evening . . .
Beneath a tall, slim tree . . .
Night coming on tenderly
Black like me.
That is my dream.

I will hold on fast to my dreams,
For if my dreams die,
My life will be a broken-winged bird,
That cannot fly.

I will hold on fast to my dreams,
For when dreams go,
Life is a barren field,
Battered to the ground,
By the hot noon sun of the day.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

I feel truly blessed to live in this beautiful place

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Right now outside my window the
leaves are beginning to change colours.

This is a paradise lost in the glory of nature

It often feels like Heaven here.

The radiant reds are glowing in the sun.

The peaceful yellows are rustling in the breeze.

The brilliant burgundy’s and outrageous oranges are making entire trees as bright as flowers.

Even the fallen leaves are turning the paths into multicoloured, crunchy carpets that are a
delight to walk on.

I can hear children laughing and see
adults smiling as they stroll through these leaves and enjoy the wonderful scent of them in
the air.

Everywhere I look I can see Nature’s colours
painting the trees and mountains with beauty.

If it isn’t Heaven here then it certainly is close.

It isn’t just the mountains that make it Heavenly here either.

I can see bits of Heaven in so many of the people too.

There is a kindness in their smiles.

There is a gentleness in their voices.

There is a goodness in their actions.

There is a patience in their manner.

There is a peace in their souls.

There is a love in their hearts.

And there is a joy in their lives.

Everyday they grow a little more in oneness with Nature.

Everyday they bring a little more Heaven into this world.

I feel truly blessed to live in such
a beautiful place with such good people.

My country home, however, isn’t the only place that can be Almost Heaven.

Any place on Earth can be Almost Heaven if we take our Heaven with us.

How much Heaven is within you?

No matter how much you said, take heart in
knowing that it can always be more.

God gives us that choice every single
day.

Everyday we can choose to love more, give more, care more, and help more.

Everyday we can choose to bring the joy of
Heaven into our hearts and souls and then share it with the world.

Everyday we can live in Almost Heaven while still here on Earth.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Let your life be the catalyst in which the lives of others are changed for the better

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It is important that we brighten the path that we walk upon so that it is illuminated for those who walk behind us and beside us.

Brightening our path means that we do our absolute best to encourage those who are
discouraged, to inspire those who are stagnant and unmoved and simply do our best to be a beacon of hope and love that people are
drawn to and motivated to emulate.

We who follow the example of the Lord Jesus Christ who condemned none and forgave and loved all should extend that same love towards our fellow man.

Let us take hold of the reins and be the initiators of good works.

Let us love the unlovable, let us forgive the unforgivable and let us reconcile with those that have been distant from us.

Mending relationships not only blesses the recipient, but our life becomes elevated as well.

Being a world changer starts by impacting those closest to us first and then when they do the same for their neighbor, the ripple effects will continue on longer than we could ever think or imagine.

No matter what you may be going through and no matter how tough the trials in your path seem to be, I encourage you to be that beacon of hope, love, forgiveness and reconciliation.

Let your life be the catalyst in which
the lives of others are changed for the better forever.

Use the gifts within your heart to draw all people back to the One who has given us the
ability to be His ambassadors on this earth.

I wholeheartedly believe that a life well lived is a life lived in service to others.

Let us be our brother’s keeper and do all that
we can to leave a long and lasting legacy of good works towards our fellow man.

That is a life that we can be proud to have lived.

I hope this message inspires and challenges your heart to be that beacon of hope and love that others are drawn to and made better because of.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Of all the cute butterflies that chose to stay, I’m in love with the one that got away

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Perhaps you know someone whose heart clutches onto the bittersweet memory of the one who got away.

Someone who secretly bears the weight of this
imperceptible burden wherever he or she goes, every day of his or her life.

Someone who’d gladly travel back in time to a day when paths diverged,to mend together that which has been torn apart,setting destiny back on its rightful track — if only he or she could.

Perhaps you know this someone better than you think.

And should this someone happen to be you, may you find strength and support in the
millions of others who shoulder this burden with you, and may you be reintroduced one day to true love…in this lifetime and whatever comes after,to the one that got away.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Life beyond bitterness

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I used to love a girl who was very beautiful and outgoing.

As I came to know her more,I realised that beyond that beautiful and pleasant facade,she was a very bitter woman.

I don’t know what her past lovers had done to her,but most of our discussions,the ones she initiated were almost always about some form of bitterness or the other.

She was just a beautiful shell full of rankling bitterness.

I just couldn’t cope with her bitter perspective of life,especially her bitterness about men in general.

It made me fear for my life in her presence.

All that bitterness could trigger her to do harm to her perceived culprits,or any man for that matter.

Of all the barriers that discourage committing to a new lover, the wall of bitterness is the most deadly.

There is no greater warning sign to a potential
relationship than cynicism about the past.

Those black clouds signal the presence of a failure-demon, who lies in wait for the first time you do not meet his or her expectations.

Bitter, cynical, pessimistic people often attract
“cheerleaders” who are determined to bring light into their darkness.

These ever-hopeful “happiness makers” are somehow confident that they will be ones who can make the difference.

If only they hang in there and keep those positive behaviours coming, maybe their partners can find true love in the ruins of their multiple failures.

If you have tried to love bitter people, you are well acquainted with their legitimate reasons for their ongoing suffering.

Your chronically unhappy lovers may have become attached to the cynical character
they have become.

If so, you may have been daunted,trying desperately in vain to save them from
themselves.

More than likely, the harder you tried to love them, the more strongly they held on to their unhappiness.

You may have been determined to love them, but
eventually got tired of carrying those cheerleading pom-poms.

Sadly, when you finally did give up, your
cynical partners have added one more reason to
their expectations of relationship failures.

To recognize a resolutely bitter person early on,
listen for statements like these:
“I don’t really expect much out of relationships
anymore. They seem to start out okay, but eventually something always happens to trip them up. Haven’t you found the same disappointments?”

“Let’s face it, when the hot sex quiets down, your partner is bound to be unhappy with you.
They always start out supportive, but eventually find fault when you don’t live up to all their expectations.”

“I don’t think people are really meant to be together for a long time. The bad stuff adds up, and the good stuff can’t compete. I don’t know one great relationship that makes it through the rapids. Mine certainly haven’t, and I don’t expect them to anymore.”

If you are attracted to these tragically sorrowful
people and are just naturally compassionate, you may be tempted to try to help them, especially if they have other attractive qualities.

Be especially careful if that person tells you that you’re different from all their past lovers, even possibly the one person who could understand them.

If you believe that story,know that it will be a zero tolerance test.

Your partner has been disappointed many times in the past, and is hoping against hope that your love will overcome their fears.

If you question their repeatedly returning
to their cynical viewpoint, they may accuse you of no longer caring, just like everyone before you.

How is Bitterness Created?

No one is born bitter.

It is a learned attitude, most often from pessimistic, cynical, or hopeless caregivers.

Sadly, small children are the most affected by consistent negative messages like these:
“Don’t count on anything and you won’t be
disappointed.”

“No one deserves anything good. Maybe you’ll be lucky and maybe you won’t.”

“No one is really happy. Don’t even think about it.”

“Happiness doesn’t last. There is always going to be something bad in your life.”

“Life is hard. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Why should you be any luckier?”

“Why do you think you deserve love? It’s not
automatic, you know, and more likely to go away than stick around.”

Hope is a natural way to envision a future that is better than the present.

Despair diminishes hope, and instead sees a life of continued suffering.

Every person needs to know that they have some control over that process.

The absence of possibility can cause despondency, defeat, and hopelessness.

If children are instead given messages that hope is always possible, they can reach beyond
disappointments and seek fulfilment even when their lives are hard.

Some people are more internally resilient than
others.

Despite having more heartaches than most,
they can still maintain hope.

But most are not so fortunate.

The continuous crushing of dreams, or a
lifetime of repeated failures, can push anyone down.

When people experience loss after loss, they may unconsciously create behaviour patterns that sabotage new options.

The natural result of too many broken
dreams or unfulfilled expectations is a lessened
willingness to try again.

They now see successful love relationships as an impossible realization.

Different Kinds of Bitterness

Bitterness can be expressed in many ways, but the following five are the most common.

Unfortunately, they are not mutually exclusive.

Ø Bitterness handed down trans-generationally

Ø Bitterness from depression or other organic
causes

Ø Bitterness from broken promises and lost dreams

Ø Bitterness that results from unrealistic
expectations

Ø Bitterness from trauma, neglect, or abuse

Trans-generational Bitterness

Pessimistic attitudes can be passed down through generations, even when the original reasons for cynicism no longer exist.

Unfair discrimination, blocked access to new ways of life, or attachment to restrictive traditions, can keep families from believing that change is a viable option.

They feel that keeping their children hardened to vulnerability and low in expectations will protect them from unpredictable pain.

They toughen their family members early, never allowing them to hope or dream beyond what is readily available.

If any of their children aspire beyond those limitations, or attach themselves to optimistic outsiders, those children may be threatened with punishment or exile.

Some cultures treasure their cynicism as part of their lore.

They feel that passion and loss are one, and that despondency is part of life.

You will find bitterness and cynicism hard to release if it has always been a part of your culture.

That will be especially true if you have chosen a partner who does not have the same background.

Depression or other Organic Causes

A genetic predisposition to depression can make the most hopeful of situations appear bleak and
untrustworthy.

Unlike grief, which has a specific loss
to endure and permits hope, clinical depression feels more like an open-ended prison sentence without chance of parole.

Sleep eludes, appetite wobbles,self-esteem is non-existent, and energy for life wanes.

Those suffering from depression may have
difficulties managing sleep and appetite, have no energy for life, and feel inadequate and undeserving.

For them, life becomes a continuous ground hog day of limited and unsatisfying experiences.

They can feel hopeful at the beginning of a
relationship because new experiences create brain chemicals that offset depression for a while.

With positive qualities to offer, they can attract rescuers who can temporarily undo their negative attitude.

Eventually the depression will re-emerge, making them likely to defeat their partner and end up alone again.

Cynicism that results from innate depression
can be treated.

Once the depression abates, they must then challenge the habits they believed were
intractable.

Genetic abnormalities that lower serotonin and
dopamine levels are sometimes the basis for
depression.

Chronic illness also can cheat people of
life’s beauty.

It may destroy hope, and cause heartbreaking results, such as lost relationships,
financial ruin, or physical incapacities.

Some people find ways to rise above these unwarranted trials, and still create new options for whatever is still possible.

Others find solace in their legitimate reasons for
hopelessness, and cannot change their expectations.

Depressed people can always be helped by a loving and concerned support network but, unless they are willing to receive that assistance, even well-intended friends and lovers will eventually give up.

Broken Promises and Lost Dreams

In every stage of life, many people weave their
experiences into their dream of an ideal romantic relationship.

Children absorb from their parents and
other adults.

Young people join social networks, text
continuously, watch TV, attend movies and concerts, and create the person they feel they might be able to love forever.

Throughout all of their lives, people seek to find that perfect person, that ever-lasting love.

Whether from unrealistic expectations, bad luck, or choosing the wrong people, all relationship seekers come up against unanticipated barriers.

With each new disappointment, they can either store up anger,hurt, and disillusionment, or they can learn from their mistakes and try again.

Over time, repeatedly choosing the negative option can result in cynicism.

Cynical people often end up pushing away the very people they want to be loved by.

With those repeated failures, they may start to believe that they will never have a long-term, loving relationship.

If they can understand that their cynicism is learned, they can faith that they can learn a new way.

Past Failures from Unrealistic Expectations

Most people do everything they can to make their relationships work, but can’t seem to find the right person, do the right thing, or avoid unforeseeable problems.

They may not be aware that they are repeating sabotaging patterns, or choosing partners
similar to those who have hurt them.

As children, they may have been taught unrealistic expectations and to overlook good potential partners.

As adults, they may not have accurately assessed their social marketability.

Alternatively, they may have unconscious barriers to learning successful relationship behaviors.

If they continue to have these unrealistic expectations, they may repeatedly fall in love with people who are disinterested and will not reciprocate their desires.

Whatever the reasons, their mounting losses begin to discourage and disillusion them.

Their expectation of failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and they begin each new relationship with a pre-defeated attitude, creating the same patterns that didn’t work
before.

Most partners try to lead with their best selves and then slowly reveal the parts of them that may not be as desirable.

Counting on fake image that they have created, they hope that the relationship will survive.

Long-term relationships require new skills and cannot continue if they are not mastered. If people continue to repeat old patterns that have not worked in the past, they will be continually disappointed.

Trauma and Abuse

This is the hardest of all categories because trauma victims have much reason to be bitter, often long before they begin to search for an adult relationship.

They may have suffered at the hands of those who were supposed to protect them, and then found themselves in adult relationships with no choice but to endure unfair and punitive pain.

By the time they understand that they deserve better treatment, they are hyper-sensitive to the slightest indications that abuse may occur again.

Early trauma can teach a child that relationships are supposed to include abuse or neglect.

Their adult attitudes of pessimism, discouragement,disillusionment, and disbelief are protective barriers to keep pain away.

Unfortunately, when they connect with a new abuser, those early memories can feel
familiar. Abuse victims may find themselves
unconsciously pulled towards what they know, even if it hurts them.

Once in damaging relationships, they may not even recognize the abuse or neglect,
tolerating more than they should.

Or, on the contrary, they may see abuse or neglect even where it is not occurring, or at a much higher level of intensity than some others would feel.

Their anticipation of being hurt can emerge as a low frustration tolerance, and they may overreact with hostility, sarcasm, and distancing of their own, driving love away before it stands a chance.

Is it Possible to Leave Bitterness Behind?

Bitterness hurts, emotionally, spiritually, and
physically.

People appear to hold on to it to protect
themselves from more pain.

It does shield them from more hurt, but also from love as well.

Cynical relationship seekers, bitter from the heartbreaks of the past, may not allow for a new and dangerous future.

That engulfing sorrow holds open a painful
wound of disappointed memories, even when the lovers who caused them are long gone.

Yes, people can leave bitterness behind.

To do so,these wounded people must process the causes of their despair, hopelessness, cynicism, and pessimism.

Here is what they need to do to regain hope for a better outcome in the future:

1. Prepare a thorough and realistic assessment of what they have endured.

2. Be willing to face how past partners have hurt them and where they, themselves, may have contributed to holding on to their bitterness.

3. Examine the lessons learned, vow not to repeat them, and formulate how to act differently in the future.

4. Know what they are able to change, and where they will need allies in their healing to accept their broken places.

5. Using all of the above, re-program their emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual selves to be able to face the future with renewed confidence.

Here is an example:

Clara’s Story

Clara grew up in a broken home.

Her parents, both alcoholics, were rarely home.

She was a Cinderella child, made to do most of the household maintenance, and given no encouragement to develop her talents or to encourage her dreams.

She was expected to take care of her two younger brothers in her parent’s absence, often without adequate food or clothing available.

Her only option was to beg the neighbors to share some of their groceries.

She missed school on a regular basis
because there was no one to take care of the boys and there were no other possible arrangements.

Her grandparents told her she shouldn’t expect more because her parents were “doing the best they could.”

When she asked for help, they shrugged and
said they didn’t have any money.

She would have to make things happen for herself, just as they had to.

Her father and mother kept telling her that someday she could have all the things she wanted, but those promises were never kept as the money for them went to beer and unpaid obligations.

Her teachers encouraged her to keep trying because she was “so gifted,” though they had little extra time or supplies to give.

They reassured her that there would be
people someday to help her, but those hopes never came true.

She started working as early as she could
lie about her age, and dreamed alone about the
Prince Charming who would for certain come when it was finally her time.

At seventeen, she met Ted.

He saw the beauty in her spirit and wanted to save her from her pain and suffering.

They married in two months.

Her parents seemed glad that she would no longer be their burden.

The younger boys were taking care of
themselves, and it was one less mouth to feed.

She believed that Ted truly loved her and that her prayers were answered.

They were soul mates and destined to be together forever.

She was filled with a hope she had only been able to fantasize before.

Eighteen months after they were married, he left for Sierra Leone on a peace keeping mission.

She never saw him again.

Broken and frightened, she used Ted’s military
death benefits to go to school.

Used to heavy demands, she was able to work nights and go to school during the day.

She missed Ted desperately,and was willing to accept anyone who would offer her solace.

Within a year, she fell in love with a married professor who assured her that he had
separated permanently from his wife, and would be with her in only a few months.

When she became pregnant, he handed her an
envelope filled with money and told her to take care of it.

He was not present at the abortion, and afterwards announced that he and his wife had
reconciled.

He ended the relationship and told her to
not contact him again.

Living alone, Clarissa finished her undergraduate and graduate studies before her twenty-ninth birthday.

Her mother and father had both died, and her
brothers had disappeared from her life.

She had only few friends, and no time to find more.

Her well-paying job gave her a financially secure life, but she felt deeply that love was something she would never know again.

Her only relationships were the people she saw in church each week, and she carefully
avoided deepening any of those connections.

At thirty, she was informed that her youngest brother had been killed in the war.

In a grief that she could no longer suppress, Clarissa could no longer hold back her grief for the multitudes of losses she had endured.

She fell into a deep depression and felt that
her life no longer had purpose or reason.

Her childhood fears had become a lifetime reality and she could not see her way out of the darkness.

When she did not come to church, her pastor was worried.

He came to her home and found her alone
in the dark, sobbing uncontrollably.

Clara could not keep up her façade anymore and poured her heart out to him.

They spoke late into the night.

He reminded her of how she had sustained hope as a child with no support, and that she could call upon that strength again.

He suggested she get some help.

I had the privilege of being the person she came to see,having been her teacher during her days after Ted’s death.

This was how Clarissa re-created herself:

Accurately assessing what she had endured:
Clarissa did a thorough evaluation of where her
broken dreams began and how she held on to those negative beliefs as her disappointments mounted.

She saw how her both grandparents and parents had given up their own dreams, escaped into limited lives, and had no resources to either help her or them.

She also realized that she had not allowed
herself to grieve Ted’s death because it was
unbearable.

Unable to see herself realistically any more, she consistently minimized her accomplishments and focused on her sadness.

Be willing to face how others had hurt her, and
where she may have contributed:

Clara had taken responsibility for all of the failures in her life, whether they were her fault or someone else’s.

She had continuously tried to make excuses
when others couldn’t be there for her, and had never realised that the people she chose after Ted’s death were as unreliable and irresponsible and those she had grown up with.

Her belief that she must always be strong had attracted men who felt entitled to be catered to, but had no need to reciprocate.

What She Learned:

Clara had to realize that she must no longer only accommodate the expectations of others.

She had never known that she could write her own rules for happiness, and that anyone who loved her would want to know what they were.

She began assessing her strengths, what she had to offer, and the kind of man who would deserve her gifts.

The Personal Changes She Needed to Make:

Clara began to look at her bitterness as a natural response to her many losses, but not a response she had to maintain.

Speaking from her heart and her new confidence, she presented herself as someone
who had a right to the love she sought.

She also saw that the few intimate relationships she’d had since Ted’s death had been with men who had exploited her,leaving her more cynical.
She was now learning how to recognize the traits she was looking for, and to discern when they were not there.

She had to master a whole new set of expectations of herself and others.

Knowing what was possible for her:

Clara looked deeply at what she really wanted and what she had to offer in return.

She wrote a sincere and authentic profile of herself for her future date.

She now knew what to ask for, and that she could not expect a new relationship to heal or justify her past.

The heartaches she had legitimately endured no longer could predict her future.

Though she never got to have any children of her own, Clara did find a deep and meaningful relationship with a man who had also suffered multiple losses.

He too had struggled with limited options based upon his lack of awareness.

They dedicated their lives to helping
disadvantaged children to avoid the multiple
disappointments that bitterness thrives upon.

Instead of “If there has been only sorrow, there will only be more sorrow,” Clara wrote her new
expectations of her future in her personal journal that she has shared some excerpts with me:

“Bitterness’s ally is continuing disappointment. I now know that disappointments come from improbable expectations. I cannot avoid them all, but I’m so much more aware of how to predict them now. I’m pretty good at understand what is possible and what is not. I may be sad that I can’t always have what I want, but I don’t expect what I can’t have, and I love
what I can make happen now. I didn’t know that there was so much more I could do to make my dreams come true, or how I would have to see the world differently. I can feel truly sad for the person in me who suffered so much, but she has an advocate now. That person is me.”

Not all people have the heart, commitment,
discipline, and spirit, to turn their lives around as Clara did.

But everyone can change what they have
believed as their only truth into something they have not yet experienced.

If they learn the tools to honestly self-evaluate, face their own accountability, learn from past mistakes, and change the way they search for and enter new relationships, their options
to end their bitterness will increase.

There is an antidote for the bitterness that poisons love;

It is the re-commitment to believing that understanding and the determination to change can triumph over loss.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you

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I love you because the entire universe
conspired to help me find you

And now, the sound of your laughter is the kind of music I want to spend my whole life listening to

I raised my eyes to see who was passing
by my window, and that casual glance was the
beginning of a hurricane of love that still has not ended half a century later.

You were more than human to me.

You are a Fairy, a Sylph, I don’t know you are,
anything that no one ever saw, and everything that everybody ever wanted.

I was swallowed up in an abyss of love in an instant.

There was no pausing on the brink; no looking down, or looking back; I was gone, headlong, before I had sense to say a word to you.

I was about half in love with you by the time we
sat down on my lobby.

That’s the thing about decent girls.

Every time they do something pretty…you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.

I felt now that I was not simply close to her,
but that I did not know where my body ended and she began.

I must have wished for you so hard and so often you had no choice but to come true in my life.

But now, you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.

I want everyone to meet you.

You’re my favourite person of all time.

I don’t care how hard being together is, nothing
is worse than being apart.

Do I love you?

My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches.

You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I
love, I love, I love you.

I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

I am nothing special; just a common man with
common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life.

There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten.

But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this will always be enough.

The smell of you hair, the taste of your mouth, the feeling of you skin seem to have got inside of me,and into the air all round us.

You have become my physical necessity.

You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest and most
beautiful person I have ever known – and even
that is an understatement.

I want to fill every part of you, breathe the air
from your lungs and leave my handprints on your soul.

I want to give you more pleasure than you
can bear.

I want to do with you what rain does with the
Roses;bring you into full bloom of being a woman!

When I found you, Love, it rained where there was a drought in my soul, it shined where it should snow, the earth shook where it’s never moved, mountains rose on the flattest plains, stars fell all around us, but the world won’t notice a thing.

Because when you found me, Love, the past and present. ceased to exist and we fell into a moment that will last forever.

When I first saw her by my window,I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the
couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep.

Not even to make love.

Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of
the phrase.

But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating.

So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.”

But in the end,it is me she chose to share all the rest of her life with,and for that,I’m forever blessed!

So, I love you because the entire universe
conspired to help me find you,through my window,during one of my lowest moments in my life!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Living in the present moment is time well-spent

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“The only pressure I’m under is the pressure
I’ve put on myself.” ~Mark Messier

Do you feel that you are living your life under pressure?

That’s awful!

You can do something about it.

Instead of living under pressure,you can choose to live in the PRESENT MOMENT.

That makes a lot of difference.

My Buddhist meditation practice helps me live the present moment.

At this present moment,I’m under no pressure,except the pressure I place upon myself!

Let me explain.

Time in the Present is Well Spent

Certainly you have experienced being in the
present—those moments when time and space
melt into this blissful moment.

Presence makes the most mundane spiritual.

Clarity prevails as deadlines inspire, rather than oppress you.

Presence with peace offers you higher
energy than usual but with nowhere to go and
nothing to do.

Presence surrounds you with resources when you need them most.

Tap into your presence under pressure!

You can do it, and these three keys will help.

1st Key: Embrace Perfection
Your life requires no improvement. In fact, the
most ecological way to embrace change is to
experience this moment as perfect just the way it is.

You just stubbed your toe ‘perfectly’.

Your boss just yelled at you ‘beautifully’.

Embrace, love, and flow with the perfection your life continually offers.

Celebrate everything that is.

You are surrounded by the perfect present.

2nd: Seek Your Own Approval

Good deeds can be their own reward.

Help the frail widow across the street and remember that you aren’t doing it for her.

You’re doing it for you.

You have your own values.

Trying to impress others or seeking their approval instead of your own can cause you to neglect yourself.

Take care of yourself and do what’s important to you.

You will naturally take care of others this way.

Be a model for a happy, well-balanced life.

Do the most wonderful, charitable things in the
world.

Do them for yourself.

Do them because they make you happy.

This can be particularly challenging if you have kids, a spouse, friends, or a mother.

Fix your tea.

Help with the kids’ homework but do it for capital “M” Me.

Hold the baby on your knee for the sheer pleasure of it.

When you do everything for you, you are really
taking care of everyone.

Some years back, I volunteered at a Catholic church organised Health Camp, a
beautiful camp for handicapped kids.

I met Trudy, who was nine years old.

He was using crutches and fell over, hitting the floor hard.

As I bent to help him up, my friend Joe grabbed my elbow stopping me.
With great effort and pride Trudy was able to right himself and stand again.

Joe later explained to me that Trudy’s disease was debilitating, and that he was cherishing his last days without a wheel chair.

It didn’t matter that he fell over because he had
been standing.

Tears came easily as I felt grateful for every step I take. I still do.

Impress yourself.

You are your own toughest audience.

You have the lead role in your life.

Play it up,if only to make yourself feel good to go!

3rd Key: Question Obligations

There is nothing that you need to do and nothing you “should” do.

However, there are plenty of things you act as if you “should” do.

Being forced, even by yourself to do anything turns what might be fun into a chore.

When I was little I loved to play the church piano.

I would spend at least an hour a day just goofing around on the piano, learning how notes fit together and creating simple tunes.

My well-meaning musician priests were inspired— so much so they brought in a piano teacher, Sister Gracia who thought I “should” work at the piano cured me of wanting to play it.

When it became something that I “should” do every evening instead of just fiddling with piano keys,I quit. It was no longer some “fun”.

You won’t be hearing me or Sister Gracia playing at Carnegie Hall.

Later I took up the drums.

When I was ready I asked my priests if I could take lessons.

We found a catechist teacher and I practiced almost constantly.

Having a wonderful time, to this day I can hand drum with the best of them.

Relax. Take a breath. Notice what you are doing.

Ask yourself if the pressure is justified.

You’ll quickly find that many of the sources of pressure in your life are not as real as they seem.

Do what you do.

Don’t do what you don’t do.

But always celebrate what you do no matter what it is.

Test your presence by doing stuff.

Zen it just for the fun of it.

Your Neighbor

Your neighbor’s lawn may be better groomed than yours.

His kids may be smarter and spouse hotter.

Who are you kidding?

Comparisons set out to prove a point; the point is that you are either better or worse than someone else.
My Foster Mother in my catholic parish used to say “Comparison’s are odious.”

I don’t know what odious means, but I do know anytime you compare yourself to someone else you are bound to suffer.

Be present to how your lawn is, how your kids are, how your spouse is, and how you are.

If a beautiful moment or beautiful life could be represented by a beautiful lawn, spirituality would be landscaping, not the mysterious wonderment that it is.

From the wonderment of this moment, step into
the mystery of the next.

Plant a few weeds, pull a few weeds—what’s the difference?

A weed is a plant where it shouldn’t be.

A Bird of Paradise in the middle of your lawn is a beautiful weed.

So is a dandelion.

Dance with Passion

“Follow your bliss.” said Joseph Campbell.

Notice what you love.

Notice what you don’t love.

Surround yourself with equal measures of both, and you will discover that love comes and goes but presence is always there within you.

Presence focused gives birth to passion.

Passion for this, that, and the other.

Passion for everything in particular.

Passion for your foot, the callus on your big toe, your ankle bone and your calves.

You will begin to notice passion everywhere; meet it, great it and embrace it as you fall in love constantly.

Presence under pressure is especially fun.

Sitting silently in a cave is one thing.

Living present in the world is quite another.

You can do it.

Use the three keys above to open yourself to the perfection of presence anywhere, anytime, everywhere all the time.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

My date with a prostitute

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It is long ago since I last paid a visit to a brothel.

Oops! I’m sure my readers are not going to like the foolish things I’m going to put down on this post.

My dear readers,reserve your judgement about my morals,till the end of this post,otherwise you will be mistaken to label me a ‘pervert’.

But Daisy,my partner egged me on to visit a brothel.

I had just related to her how I lost my cherry to a mature prostitute during my high school days.

I thought she was going to be pissed by that whole account of abominable things I did during my teenage years,but instead,it got her very excited,and in her devious mind,she schemed a plot to have me enact that memorable experience.

“Sadly, you have become what
you write in your random journal nowadays,” she egged on, “and one day, when this middle-class skin has grown old, you will be left
un-reinvented and stewing in your own reservoir of inoperable words.”

I asked her, “are you here to knock my head
against a wall or is this going anywhere other
than badly?”

“Get out of that shell, Ben,I think you were more exciting when you were young.”

“By doing what?”I asked her,quite astonished.

“Leave what you know. Go to the unknown,” Daisy replies casually.

“Unknown? Like where this conversation is
headed?” I ask.

“Close. Why don’t you one day show that you
have the cajones to write about something
challenging?” Daisy implores.

“I actually like that.”I add cynically.

“What, the idea?”

“No, cajones. People don’t use that word
enough.”

Stony silence.

“OK, fine. What do you want me to write about
that you imagine will get me out of my comfort
zone?” I inquired.

“Write about Sabina Joy,that place where you lost your cherry to a prostitute.” Sometimes,I think Daisy,my girlfriend is a bit crazy.

“But that was so long ago,I can’t even remember how the places looks like from inside,I don’t have the feel of the place anymore!”,I protested.

“I will help you refresh your “memories” about ‘Sabina Joy’,just leave the whole plot to me”,Daisy added in her small voice,the voice of a conjurer,a schemer-that’s my Daisy.

Enter stage left,Gathura,my bossom friend.

He hails from Kerugoya Town and attended Kaitheri Primary School.

By the way when some Kikuyus tell you a name of a school they attended you always imagine they are pulling your leg because the names sound like a traditional herb: Riamukurwe Sec School, Ithekahuno Sec School, Gathuki Mundu Pri School (meaning: shake up a guy), Kianguenyi Second School, Kangubiri Sec School, Kiangoma Sec. School (meaning: the devil’s), Muthuani Second School…It goes on and on like a horror movie credit.

You meet someone who attended one of these
schools and you want to reach out and hug them.

Hug them and tell them, “it’s all right, you are
here now, you are here, that’s all that matters,and please forget about those awful names of your former high schools.”

I met Gathura in 2012 during some KTB(Kenya Tourist Board) loyalty trip where we scored the country from Laikipia to Tsavo.

Fun times.

On our last stop at Shompole Lodge (now defunct), a top-of-the-range resort clinging on the edge of Nguruman escarpment and charging about 50K per person per night for
a view and a bed, we shared a large condo which had two monstrous four post beds, a private pool, no windows or walls facing the escarpment and a view so stunning it looked like a prank.

Anyway, this morning I stir awake because the
room is suddenly awash with orange as the sun
is rising.

From my bed I could see the sunrise without leaving it and as I lie there half-asleep, I
see Gathura walking across the room, heading to the loo. He’s naked. Buck-naked. I’m stunned.

Not stunned at his nakedness but at the fact.

But he’s nonchalant, shuffling across yawning and scratching his back.

That’s how life is; you wake up hoping to see the glorious sunset instead you get your sun blocked by a naked man.

And you dare complain about traffic in downtown Nairobi City?

If that were Nyanza it would have been a different story, because the only folk who walk naked at dawn are night-runners.

Gathura, unbeknownst to him, has that
recessive night-running gene of Nyanza night runners.

I called him last week and told him, “Boss, how
about you take me to Sabina Joy, I want to check it out. Two hours tops. I’m buying the drinks,plus you will have yourself a beautiful company in the name of Daisy,my girlfriend.”

He was confused but agreed.

You might know Sabina Joy as Karumaindo Bar.

It’s legendary, a mythological train that tirelessly keeps chugging and coughing decades of lustful notoriety.

Karumaindo has been there since god
was a teenager.

It’s ideally a whorehouse,a brothel but if you are of the more decent disposition you will
call it a bar.

Everybody who has been in Nairobi town longer than a week has, at least, heard one urban
lore about Karumaindo.

It’s revered for its licentiousness; it’s total lack of sympathy to the naïve or the urban-virgins.

Depending on whom you ask, it’s the den of thieves and the spot in town where Jezebel hangs her bra.

Karumaindo swallows the innocent and spits them out baptised in the roguish ways of Nairobi.

Although you might be with people you are always alone at Karumaindo because the quest for the pleasures of the flesh is a journey pursued alone.

And I was dying to see it for myself,again,after a very long time.

So, 8pm last Friday.

I leave my wallet, phone and watch in the car, not because I’m a wuss but because…OK, because I’m a wuss.

Daisy,my girlfriend,does the same,and her face lights up as if she is on a trance.

“Do you know that all the prostitutes inside there were once virgins?”,I pose to her,to break her trance.

She looks at me full on my eyes,and she just smiles.

Whenever Daisy does this,she makes me her slave for another hundred years!

Wr meet up with Gathura and together we walk down Kimathi Street, cross Uhuru Highway at Hilton and past the statue of Tom Mboya that stands forlornly in the dark pointing towards statehouse and in the process turning into a pitiful emblem of the Luo’s reiterated inability to rise to the big seat.

Gathura reads us the riot act: don’t order anything that can’t be opened before you, so no whisky, or brandy; don’t leave your drink unattended;

always keep your eye on the drink; minimise
bathroom breaks; don’t use a glass; stay close;
don’t get drunk; don’t touch any chic that not your Daisy.

“What if she touches me first?” I wonder.

We stroll past National Archive, past hawkers and street bums and vagabonds and the evening
crowd rushing home with the weight of the day
slung over their shoulders.

We pass that square before Ambassador Hotel, where all the suited Luos carrying folded newspapers (The Standard mostly) hurdle in circles talking politics animatedly.

You will not find a more boisterous and
dedicated political panel of analysts South of
Limpopo.

Sabina Joy doesn’t announce herself because
Sabina Joy doesn’t need to announce herself.

That’s how cocky Sabina is – whoever she was/is.

One moment you are walking past the
smorgasbord of heaving commerce at the
Ambassador stage and the next the entrance is
upon you.

Only a small dusty Tusker beer ad shingle above directs you in.

Once you cross this threshold you have crossed
the Rubicon.

Now you are in a rabbit hole.

(A bit of pun, of course). You walk up a tunnel-like winding staircase, following the thudding sound of the muffled music above.

You walk up this tunnel of debauchery with other men, trudging up determinedly and with all that unbridled hope of those led by their crotches.

On the second floor there is a security guy with
rheumy eyes the colour of strong tea, patting us
down, groping our pockets and impatiently
waving us in.

We are patted by about four different security guys.

Then we walk down this corridor with flashing gaudy disco lights.

There are girls writhing around in what in this part of town passes for sexy. Fat girls, slim girls, light girls, dark girls, pretty girls, girls with faces only a mother can love, girls with faces that can fit at Brew Bistro, girls in heels and girls in sandals, girls with long weave, bald girls, girls with talons for toes, dusty-footed girls, red eyed girls, girls with red lips, smiling girls, scowling girls, girls with teeth from Nakuru, girls with breasts that can
asphyxiate you, girls with chests so flat you can
shoot pool on them…then iron your shirt off
them.

They all have one thing in common; they
are here for you. At a price.

Daisy’s face is now painted in dismay,scornful of these women who scored a “first” with me before she entered the scene,many years ago.

She clings closer to my arm. It is Gathura’s arm she should be holding onto,if she wants me to enact the scene as it was many years ago.

I uncling her arm and hand her over to Gathura.

These girls will not talk to an accompanied man,so she sticks with Gathura for all the time we are inside Karumaindo Bar cum Brothel.

Karumaindo comes as a sinking disappointment when we walk into the bar.

Based on the stories I’ve heard recently, I pictured a dysfunctional, treacherous and extremely seedy joint.

I pictured something smoky with patrons all wearing those Kikuyu hats and tapping their pointed-toed boots to Mugithi songs that Gathura was to translate for Daisy(she come from a different tribe from mine and Gathura’s).

I expected everybody in there to wear loose pleather leather jackets and big golden chains around their necks.

In my head, the common word spoken there was going to be “ciigana?”(How much money in Kikuyu).

Instead it isn’t; it’s seedy all right but you don’t get the feeling that danger lurks around.

And there isn’t anybody wearing pleather jackets or pointed-toed boots. I’m crushed.

The sitting area is T-shaped.

Tables are wedged close to each other with men slumped in them sipping their beers.

There are TV screens all over, showing National Geographic, of all the things for crying out loud.

The men raptly watch a scene of male Gazelles locking horns.

There are old posters on the wall, some still proclaiming Lil Kim as the hottest star.

How old is Kim now, 60?

Cooling Fans whiz overhead.

At the end of the room is a cage from where the deejay peeks like a caged psychopath.

That cage for some reason reminds me of Hannibal Lector.

Sabina Joy is packed.

And it smells.

Not a foul smell, but this smell of blue-collar struggle.

I order two beers.

Gathura’s Pilsner comes in this titanic bottle that the size of a rocket launcher.

I’m curious to see how he will lift it to
his mouth alone.

Daisy enjoy’s her can of Sweet Cherry.

Her eyes are dilated,probably with anticipation,fear or excitement.

She is to remain as invisible to the girls as possible.

The girls won’t play if she decides to mark her territory

We drink.

Girls parade by sipping from plastic bottles.

Dodgy looking men pretend to ignore them, like they just came here to watch National Geographic then they will be on their way.

Soul music blares from the speakers hanging overhead as 80’s disco lights flash about.

A guy selling boiled eggs stops by our table.

We shake our heads, he moves along.

Guy selling Kenyan porn next stops by.

Again we shake our heads, he moves on.

This girl with very dark elbows walks by eyeing us.

We shake our heads…at her elbows.

We drink and make small talk.

My beer is warm; I might as well order a boiled egg to go with it.

At 10pm, I call this girl.

You know how Tony Soprano,the mafia don used to call those strippers over?

It’s very chauvinistic.

It has to be chauvinistic, that’s the only way it can work.

But it won’t work at any other posh place.

It works here because, here is ideally a
cave and we are all cavemen and the year is, well, what year was Lil Kim a hot commodity?

This girl I summoned wedges between Gathura
and I keeping away from Daisy on the other end, and offers me a smile that is supposed to
make me imagine that she is shy.

Well, she’s as shy as a wolf.

She’s light with a decent face but a body that contests that decency; large belly a flat bum, small legs and a tyre of fat around her waist just in case El Nino or Tsunami rocks up unannounced.

You guys, I believe, fondly refer to it as a “Kikuyu momo body”.

Let’s not get emotional. “Priss”.(Please as accentuated in Kikuyu Language)

She tells me her name is Samantha.

No matter, at Karumaindo names mean squat.

I tell her I’m Musa.

I offer to buy her beer, she orders for canned
Pilsner, which I pop open for her and she raises
it up and we knock up in cheers like decent folk.

Samantha has this red tattoo of a Playboy bunny on her right breast.

Yes, I was looking.

They were perked up in my face, OK?

What did you want me to look at instead, the Gazelle’s locking horns in National Geographic?

I ask her what the tattoo is and she (I swear) holds the whole poor breast up (jeez Samantha, I forgot to mention I like my tea black-no milk!) and asks, “Hii? Hii ni Playboy, I am a Playgirl.”(This is a playboy,and I’m a playgirl).

“No, you are a bunny,” I correct her.

“Hapana, mimi ni Playgirl,”(no,I’m a playgirl) she insists and I’m not in the mood to debate.

Playgirl it is.

Samantha is sort of funny.

Gathura had warned me not to ask questions that would get us stabbed, so I struggled to keep it light and nonchalant.

I’ve always wanted to interview a hooker. Or a
Madame. But I had to be wary of Daisy’s reaction. Now, I have her freedom. This is her game.

Can you imagine the kind of male
insecurity stories these women harbour in them?

I say insecurity because I think – and I might be
right- for you to pay for sex directly (not by
buying Pinot noir at Level 8) is a sign of
insecurity.

For now Samantha will do even though my hands are tied behind my back because Daisy is listening.

But I needn’t to because she’s a talker.

She tells me that she doesn’t service light older men because she never knew her father and her
mother wasn’t sure who her father was and she
telling her he was either a Kikuyu one or an
Ethiopian.

She laughs a lot,this Samantha girl, and when she does she sort of rams her body playfully into my shoulder, like we grew up together and Heck! Daisy is not enjoying this boob bumping on my shoulders.

The guy selling boiled eggs stops by again and
looks at me in case I’ve had a change of heart.

I shake my head.

He looks over at Samantha who asks me if I want an egg.

Well, not the one he is selling, I tell her in Kiswahili and it, unsurprisingly, flies right over her weave.

At some point she removes my hat from my head and asks if I wear hats. I tell her all the damn time.

She asks why?

I tell her to look tough.

Don’t I look tough? She puts it back on my head and takes a good look at me and says no.

She asks if she can keep it.

I tell her she can if she lets me keep her Playboy bunny.

She laughs and rams her shoulder into mine.

Then without warning she gets right to it and asks, “sasa itakuwa Kanu ama?”(What next,is it just this playfulness or I’m I looking for the “real thing?”

Kanu? Like Moi Kanu? I’m confused, is this a
political parties recruitment drive? I ask her what that is and she laughs and says “Uko na utoto!”(You are being childish)

I swear to her that I don’t know what she means.

She then wags her middle finger in that Kanu fashion (tingisha kidole fame) and looks at me naughtily.

I still don’t get it.

Then she wags it again, then I get
it and laugh.

You get it, too,my dear reader, don’t you?

Wagging the middle finger? You get it now? Alama ya jogoo? Anyone?

Sigh. She means sex and her finger is supposed
to represent a phallus.

These girls are creative.

I ask her how much.

She says five hundred.

I snort and tell her she is out of her mind, I aint
paying 500bob, not with that belly on you,baby!

OK, that last bit I think to myself.

She says that’s the going rate.

I talk her down to 300bob just to test my negotiation skills, or her desperation level.

She tells me there are rooms on the same
floor that go for 200bob for 20mins.

There, she says, you are timed, which I gather means no foreplay or asking stupid questions like “how was your day today?”

I ask her to come get me in 45mins that I need to discuss business with my pals first.

She leaves obediently.

Gathura,Daisy and I sneak out 20mins later.

After all I heard these many years gone now, Sabina Joy didn’t make look at life different or give me any unique insight into humanity or the trade of flesh.

It didn’t illuminate me or the people I saw.

It didn’t bubble to the surface my sense of morality.

I didn’t find it gritty or profound or humbling in its decadence.

Actually it disappointed me.

Cheated me.

Raised my hope,that sex business has now been more refined as compared to my teenage years, then dashed it.

Maybe it’s because I’m jaded by such novelty of having my girlfriend watch me negotiating for transactional sex,devoid of any emotional feelings.

Or maybe it’s the first impression I got when we walked in; that image of grown men watching gazelle’s lock horns on National Geographic.

Has foreplay sunk to such lows? A rhettorical question that is pertinent to both within our bedrooms or in a prostitute’s den?

Food for thought,especially for you my dear Daisy-remember you asked for it!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Things that matter to me today,at present….

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What’s on your self-care list?

No matter how much we accomplish, we feel we are just not doing enough.

If this resonates with you, you are not alone.

When my agribusiness clients call me for time management coaching,they seem startled when I tell them I can’t help them do more, because I don’t think that’s the answer.

What I will do is show them how to do more of what brings them joy and less of what drains them.

It’s about being kind to ourselves daily – giving ourselves the love and respect that we so freely give to others – regardless of whether we crossed everything off our to-do list that day.

We all deserve it.

What’s the one thing that you are not doing enough of that you would like to do more often?

Whatever this activity is, schedule time for it once a week for the next 3 weeks, just as an experiment.

And honour that appointment as you would any other (client,doctor, and dentist).

“Life is what happens
when you are busy
making other plans” -John Lennon

Make time for yourself and your life because if you don’t, who will?

It’s easy to get lost in all the chores that have to be done each day.

We all have busy lives and there’s never enough time in a day.

But a day turns into a week, a month, a year and before you know it, a whole lifetime.

Let’s not let the years pass without doing what matters most to us.

At the beginning of each month, before your calendar fills up, schedule time for your self-care activity once a week.

Here are some of my favorite self-care
activities to give you some ideas and get you
thinking about what you’d like to do:

• Take a walk
• Go for a bike ride
• Put your favourite song on and dance or close your eyes and relax
• Read for pleasure (novel, magazine)
• Listen to a book or inspirational speaker on CD/ipod
• Sit with a cup of specialty hot chocolate or tea
• Look at photos you took while on vacation
• Soak your feet in dishpan with marbles and Epsom salts
• Go for a manicure
• Write in your personal journal
• Call a friend and remind him/her how much you care about your friendship
• Spend some time on a hobby i.e. baking a pizza for yourself,no matter how imperfect it looks in the end.
• Pet your dog/cat
• Massage your feet or your temples with essential oils
•Give yourself a facial (use steam from a boiling pot with a towel draped over it)
•Browse through decorating books and dream

I encourage you to create your own list and put it on your bulletin board.

I hope you will share your ideas and/or success stories with our community by commenting below.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Things that mattered to me yesterday….

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I still catch myself getting worried about things that don’t matter anymore in my life.

The funny thing is when we get clear on the things that don’t matter, we zero in on the things that do.

It becomes easy to let go of the unimportant.

It fosters gratitude for what we may have taken for granted.

Here is a mixed pot of things that don’t matter anymore in my life;

• Scrubbing my kitchen pots and pans until they’re sparkling

• Making the bed the minute I wake up

• Reading to the end of a book I’m not enjoying

• A ringing phone left unanswered,especially from a caller who doesn’t matter anymore in my life

• Getting less than a perfect score in any game of life

• Being stopped at an unchanging traffic red light until a traffic cop unjams the rights

• Paw prints on a clean floor

• Wearing the wrong clothes, shoes,socks

• Who dumped me years ago,I mean,the. painand heartbreak it caused is all gone,buried. under dustbin of time!

But here is the cream of things that don’t matter anymore;

»Defining my identity.

From the color of braces to the ringtone of my flip phone, everything i owned, wore, played, needed to define my entire life.

I needed a label, a status in the society that
is high school, but having an identity crisis at 15 is awfully dramatic.

Being the gymnast, the bass player, the guy with the Mohawk: not only are these labels irrelevant in our twenties, but more than likely we forgot all about them (although, hopefully the guy with the Mohawk finally got an adult haircut).

Come graduation day, that reputation you worked on for four years evaporates.

Starting college or your first job, no one knows and no one cares about who you were in high
school.

You have to climb that ladder from the bottom of the totem pole once again, the difference being in our twenties we don’t find the need to characterize.

Put it this way, if we still identified ourselves with who we were in high school then my
email address would still be
soccerboy_love@yahoomessenger.com (oh dear).

»Grades were everything.

Nothing like the worry of Mr. Wilson’s history final determining the fate of your college career.
Chances are you can’t even recall what grade you got on that test you were so worried about.

We thought what stood in between success and
failure was whether you got an A or a B.

Although grades and GPA did play a factor in admissions and scholarships, they don’t ultimately determine your career path.

Having unique skills, a sharp tongue, charisma, and connections will get you further in life than your GPA score ever will.

You probably won’t catch a potential employer asking about your high school test scores.

They are going to value your experience,
your referrals, and your skill set when hiring you.

»Your parents are out to ruin your life

They gave you curfews, made you change your outfit, how dare they not let you go out with a senior boy/girl.

Lots of yelling,pouting, and slammed doors from what we remember about our days under our parents guard.

The general rule was that if fun was involved, mom and dad would make sure you didn’t have it, or so we thought.

Growing older, those ground rules we couldn’t understand appear to be more reasonable than before.

Our parents turned out to be smarter than we gave them credit for.

Bless them for putting up with those teenage years where we thought we knew everything.

Hopefully we now see that they were just looking out for us and those horrible rules and punishments were wrapped with good intentions.

We realize the importance of family and
appreciate their love.

»Doing it all

It seemed as though every Friday night was “going to be the party of the year” and if you didn’t go see that movie on opening night, then you might as well not see it at all.

So impatient, so juvenile.

There is always going to be another party, and you realize now you can’t be everywhere.

We learn in our twenties that our lives are enriched by spending time by yourself every once in a while.

You learn to prioritize and schedule better.

»Being friends with people that weren’t really your friends

You wanted to be in on the private jokes, the awesome poolside parties, the reserved seats at the lunch table, but was it worth hanging with people you didn’t really like?

Thankfully in our twenties and thirties, we realize that friendships can drift apart and learn to associate ourselves with people who have our best interest at heart.

Although frenemies and bullies can appear at any age,high school years were overly populated with deceit.

In order to be cool, to stand out, or just find your place, we did some pretty dumb things.

Trying to be something you weren’t or just wanting to fit in, those four years were tough.

We realized after high school that life moves on.
You eventually start to forget the names of most of your teachers, where you sat in home room, and your best friend’s home phone number.

You forget who was cool and who wasn’t, who was pretty and who was smart, who threw the best parties, and who dated who.

Everything changes, life goes on.

Don’t we wish we had that perspective back then?

So we must ask ourselves, are the things that matter in our lives today going to matter in ten years?

Do we value what is important?

Graduate from your mistakes, treat each day as if you’re turning that tassle, and remember what really matters.

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

The morning of your destiny

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“Success and failure are
not overnight experiences.
It’s the small decisions
along the way that cause
people to fail or succeed.”
–Anthony Robbins

I think when you wake up in the morning your
destiny has already been decided. [Oh, sorry, this will get slightly introspective.]

You can’t even begin averting your fate.

You were born a pawn.

Your card was dealt a long time ago.

So all the misfortune and fortunes that will befall you were already premeditated.

The gavel long landed.

Or is it really so?

Or is it really so rigid?

Not quite,I think.

There is still something we can do about it.

Like the way a mason works on a shapeless piece of stone,and makes a beautiful building block.

Yes,it is still basically a stone,but a beautiful one at that!

My current professional assignment has reinforced this belief, now,
more than ever.

I will explain shortly.

‘Every moment
I shape my destiny
with a chisel,
I am a carpenter
of my own soul.’ ~Rumi

What makes the difference in the quality
of people’s lives?

What is the single factor that shapes and controls our ultimate destiny?

Most people think that biography is
destiny, that the past equals the future.

And you know what?

It can—but only if you live there,in your past,that is.

Any study of history shows that the difference in human beings comes down to one thing: an ability to harness the power of decision, often in spite of adverse conditions.

The history of our world is the result of decisions .

It’s the power of decision that caused Rosa Parks to remain in her seat and state, “No, I will not,the famous black woman activist,go to the back of the bus.”

It took a forceful decision to compel an unarmed man to stand in front of a tank at
Tiananmen Square.

“It is in your moments of decision
that your destiny
is shaped.” – Tony Robbins

It was the strength of decision that led President John F. Kennedy to declare that an American would be first to walk on the moon by the
end of the 1960s.

Decision is the ultimate power—and there are three core decisions each of us makes every moment we’re alive.

These decisions have the capacity to empower,
advance, frustrate or derail us, depending on what we choose:

Decision 1: What are you going to focus on in your life?

Do you focus on things you’re excited about or things you fear?

Whatever you focus on, you experience.

Wherever focus goes, energy flows to attain that end as your ultimate destiny.

Decision 2: What does this mean?
Is your current station in life the end or the beginning? Are you being punished or rewarded?

The minute you decide to focus on something, you give it a meaning.

How you define an event produces emotion and determines how you feel going forward.

Decision 3: What are you going to do about it?
Are you going to give up or follow through?

The meanings we assign to events influence what actions we take as a result.

It’s our decisions, not our conditions, that ultimately shape the quality of our lives.

At any moment the decision you make can
change the course of your life forever.

Whenever you wake up in the morning,knowing life has given you another gift of a new day,take up your chisel of DECISIONS and continue the noble work of shaping your destiny.

Every morning is a morning of your destiny!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®

Is true bachelorhood just a charade?

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So George Clooney finally decided to marry. I cannot think of a bigger cliché. And my personal dissapointment that Clooney has thrown into my resolve to remain a bachelor for the rest of my life.

Is it just a charade,this bachelorhood thing?

After carrying the biggest banner of bachelorhood, bearing the greatest metaphor of independence and success and everything in between, he finally succumbed just when we
were all thinking that there is actually a soul out there that can stay committed to the cause of bachelorhood.

The vintage Clooney finally sold out to the other species!

If Clooney finally got hitched then everybody will eventually get married.

Being an eligible bachelor is overrated.

It is not as grand as it seems.

I know one.

(Don’t we all?)

He is 46 years old.

Unlike me,he never got married in the first place to be spit out of the hell that is called marriage.

Never married, never dated for more than a year, his sexual orientation straight as an arrow.

He is successful because he works weird hours and knows which ass to kiss and which one to kick.

You might fault him for many things but not for being a hard worker.

Because he runs his own little business — in logistics — he is obsessive about it.

And he puts nothing before it: not a woman, not even himself.

Bachelor’s lair

He lives in a house with a garage and a study.

His balcony overlooks a small stream but when he describes it he says his house overlooks a “river”, especially if a woman is listening.

It is a sexy house as far as houses go; a mix between the retro, minimalist, and artsy.

Because he has to show the women that he believes in something, that he is passionate about something bigger than modern decadency, he collects numerous expensive paintings from different parts of Africa,
countries he frequently travels to for work.

There is a particular unique one that hangs on the wall that leads out to the balcony which he calls a “deal maker” because it unfailingly manages to reel in even the most
difficult of women.

It is of this little Congolese girl bent over a three-stone jiko blowing the fire.

You should hear him explain the context of that painting,tears almost welling up in his eyes.

It is the phoniest thing you will ever see, but the tragedy is that women always buy it.

He does not even like children, or three-stone jikos.

His house smells of opulence and independence.

It is his lair where he slays the naïve women and conquers the cynics.

He drives a German car, bought off a relocating expat for a pittance.

He loves clothes.

He keeps fit: plays squash weekdays and rides his bike on weekends.

He will do a marathon a year but only because I am sure it sounds good to drop it in a whisky conversation with his cigar-smoking friends.

He is not on social media — too unproductive for him, too “toxic”.

He also does not own a TV because he only retains things that — and wait for this —
“stimulate him cerebrally.”

Untamable charmer

Women love him.

They love this charade to death.

But I suspect that women do not really love him, they love the worn novelty that he embodies.

He is like a flame, and I have seen many moths get burnt at his feet because they approached
him first with intrigue then as an agenda.

And they all failed.

Most women he meets are always obsessed with trying to unlock the question of his bachelorhood.

They feel equipped to unlock this puzzle because he deceptively offers them “incentives” to make them feel as if they are the chosen ones who will finally get him off this path.

He drops clues as if it is a treasure hunt.

So they come into his life and try to be “useful” and “unique” and he feeds them this sob story about how he keeps meeting the wrong girls
who just do not “understand” him, those who want to “change him.”

House of cards

He builds this house of cards so high that he starts believing in it too.

Every woman who gets into his life intentionally internalises his need for independence while secretly believing that she
will be the one to bring down this house of cards.

He uses a carrot and stick method, feeding these poor souls a little hope, while deceptively setting them up for the ultimate fall.

It is the dance of death that he wins eventually.

It is quite artistic, this morbid game of emotions.

Before writing this I asked him if it was OK if I wrote it.

He said it did not matter either way because no matter the information a woman knows about a man, if she likes him she will easily disregard those truths.

“In fact, your article might just help me,but would you kindly leave out my name so that my snares don’t end up empty,just because someone I’m leading up the garden path chances on it” he said.

He says he will never commit and marry because he is not “built” for it.

But like Clooney, his Waterloo is coming.

Eventually he will find that one whom he does not want to let go of; the one who sees right through the hogwash of that painting by his
balcony!

This story is not about me,damnit!

Just some random thoughts that came to my mind….©Profarms’ Random Thoughts®